Generation Limpdick
The Rise and Fall of the Modern Boner
Ladies and gentleman, I present you with a matter of great historical impotence.
We are living in the era of the floppiest dicks the human race has ever produced.
I, famously, didn’t get an erection between the Sochi and Pyeongchang Winter Olympics’ - but I don’t think it was related. Although, I was smoking enough reefer at the time that this spurious correlation certainly did not pass me by. Thanks a bunch, Putin.
Although the Russians were broadly implicated, the other foreign elements suspected of interference with my penile bloodflow were the MDMA and the cocaine. On drugs, any chance of a worthwhile erection dissolves along with your inhibitions. Except for those lucky-fuck unicorns who can somehow salvage a stiffy from the scattered wreckage of a three-day bender. Like Dennis Rodman or my mate’s dad, Nigel.
When men take drugs, their manhoods take those drugs too. These non-consensual intravenous drug-using penises take the hit. Erections grow steadily less reliable in direct alignment with the humans attempting them.
Over this same period, I reached the 876th and then-last page of homemoviestube .com, to little or no fanfare. Shimmying diligently within the scaffolding of my softly-clenched fist, I would get there, eventually. More often than not.
How can you masturbate without an erection? Ask your father, apparently that’s how you were conceived.
You can read how porn messes with sex (ie bonerz) in another article.
Whoever designed penises has a helluva of a lot to answer for. Besides the goblin-like appearance of the things, what a temperamental contraption for civilisation to rely on. An evolutionary oversight that leaves crestfallen lovers perched on bedsides the world over.
Never has society’s collective penis been more work-shy than its fathers’. Let that sink in, then watch it fade, like a generation of thumb-splinted millennial semis. Jesus, I shoehorned in that simili, like a generation of thumb-splinted millennial semis.
Further back, our primordial ancestors were so complacent about their bones that natural selection deboned them. But dads and cavemen never found comfort from the last shudders of a comedown in the itinerant fuck-van of bang bus.com.
Hard times create hard dicks.
Hard dicks create good times.
Good times create soft dicks.
Soft dicks create hard times.
If you liked this, check out…
The Great British Coke Habit
The Biggest Myths about Dick Size
Yer whippersnappers gotta understand that hard or soft, you need to do your duty to your God and Monarch. Just plough ahead no matter what the stiffage may be, and you will be rewarded with ample progeny - that's how I ended up with you, after all.
"Hard times create hard dicks.
Hard dicks create good times.
Good times create soft dicks.
Soft dicks create hard times."
Glorious.