I know it’s late and as I write this post there is quite the light show going on outside the window right next to me.  It was pouring a moment or so ago and now that has almost stopped but the clouds continue to light up non-stop.

I guess it’s very similar to what’s going on inside me emotionally, physically and mentally right now… the confusion, the irritation and the desire to move on and to experience unbridled joy once again.

I feel like I’m in a holding pattern where I shouldn’t be.  I’ve always been the understanding, caring, respectful person who, most of the time, knows too much… and, no, I’m not bragging about that… I’m just talking about the medical knowledge that I have accumulated over all these years… knowing the stages of grief, knowing about diseases, knowing about how the body works.  It makes me be the understanding, caring and respectful person I am.

The wind has picked up and leaves are falling from the trees and the thunder is getting louder.  The kitten is in the window watching the light show and I think he’s quite fascinated by it.  I can see his ears twitch with each flash of light but I don’t think he’s a fan of the noise that follows.

Another part of that storm is fatigue… I woke this morning around 12:30 if I remember correctly and it wasn’t until I was reading the newspaper just now that I recalled the actual reason for my waking… it was a dream I was having linked to sexual assault… I have no idea why I had the dream or why I felt as disturbed as I did after.  I don’t even know why I shared that other than after reading the article I have been feeling like I did 21 hours ago… the heart pounding and the slightly ragged breathing… now I wish I hadn’t read it!

It is time for me to have a snack and head to bed… see if tonight can be a better night!