Life couldn’t be any more insane as it is at this moment… or it doesn’t feel like it anyway!

Today is finally a hint of sanity and relaxation amongst the days upon days that have felt like chaos.

Let’s face it, I don’t sleep well for two reasons… my mind is racing and I’m in pain.

Since starting this new job my pain levels have, once again, been on the rise. I haven’t had this much pain in a while and I know I’m not one to write about my pain often. There have been ties that getting out of bed is almost impossible. On top of that though I’m having pain in my feet and my hands. I can’t open jars anymore, I drop stuff and there are other things I’m struggling with like even getting the tiny little caps off the vaccine vials.

So today was the first day I haven’t rushed off somewhere. Two weeks ago I was at the book sale and last week was both an afternoon choral performance followed by the Christmas Party… which was absolutely amazing by the way! It soooo was! It was exciting and just totally amazing to dress up and get out!

I am pretty much done my shopping but had so much wrapping to do. I think I got a grip on that now and I’m getting closer to getting the wrapping done now.

As for writing, well, I haven’t had the chance to do a thing with it. Am I disappointed? Hugely! I don’t know what to do with it. Or about it. I work a day and I’m exhausted both mentally and emotionally at the end of the day. The last two weekends being busy has only added to that, except last Saturday night with the Christmas Party. In all honesty, I wish that I could dress up and go out every weekend.

I will leave it at that for now.

There are many words that follow that title that I’m feeling… UNsettled, UNmotivated, UNderappreciated, misUNderstood, UNcreative, UNheard… the list can go on and on especially with more thought and a little creativity which I’m clearly lacking!

I’ve been thinking a lot about how it used to be for me and comparing it to now. The biggest stand-out for me is all the years I had Wednesdays off. My entire tenure in the first family practice was Wednesdays off. Then even Passport and my splitting that job with the one I worked in the second family practice gave me Wednesdays off. When I officially went full-time with Medchart I was at home so doing laundry and getting groceries was easy.

Now everything is even harder. I have no time for anything including ME! I know… how dare I be soooo selfish! But these last weeks have been a whirlwind of activity. We closed the trailer 😢, then I got COVID 🤮 and then we did our drive up North for apples and pictures except I’m so unmotivated that I didn’t get my camera out once though we did get some pictures on our phones sitting in a large Canada chair. A nice lady was passing by and took it for us.

This weekend we baked six pies and twelve apple crisps with the bushel we brought back with us and not only did that cause pain but also exacerbated my fatigue.

I have no motivation to write, I’m so tired I could sleep standing up most of the time and there are times when I wonder why I’m here if this is what life has become. I spend so much time for everyone else that I have forgotten what it’s like to actually look after me.

So I feel like I’m going through the motions and that it doesn’t really matter. Life is on hold.

Well, it seems I’m on the side of loss, loss and more loss.

I feel so overwhelmed emotionally right now that I just cried because the Toronto Blue Jays lost the Wild Card in two games and I feel like it’s the end of the world. I wanted them to go deep into post season because tomorrow I lose the trailer for six months. My job is nothing like I wanted with the downright misery of one of the docs.

Right now, at this moment, on this Thanksgiving weekend, I feel like I have nothing, absolutely NOTHING to be thankful for. I’m tired. I’m unhappy. I feel like there’s nothing to boost me up right now.

I look at my writing right now and compared to where I was six days ago, I feel like I’m coming close to rock bottom.

I sometimes don’t know why I post these posts but at the same time I think it’s because I know there are others out there that are feeling the same way and maybe they won’t feel alone and they’ll know that it’s okay to feel REALLY bad sometimes. That it’s okay to be down and out.

Yes, the sun has come back out for me over and over but right now I feel like I’m in the dead of night.

To anyone else who is feeling the same… you’re not alone. We can make changes and we can come out on top. But right now, it’s okay to feel this way.

The proof copy arrived and the inside is in excellent shape but I’m updating the cover… for one, there were errors in the back cover copy which is weird because I had copied and pasted it in and, as far as I knew, there weren’t any errors. Second, we had chosen a blue back cover & spine but when I held the actual book, it just didn’t compliment the front so now it will be black which seems to be one of my trademarks with most of my books!

Anyway, I haven’t had much opportunity to start writing the next book and I think a lot of that is the fatigue and depression I’m feeling… it spirals and makes it hard to focus.

We all know my feelings about work and home. The trailer closes in two weeks and there’s definite challenges with that and we all know how sad that makes me too!

So maybe once it’s closed I can sit down and knock off 10,000 words a week and take three weeks and be done with it and it will be perfect so no editing will be required…

Okay, so now I’m dreaming every writer’s dream!

Anyway, just wanted to give that update! I still have to update my website and Facebook page but wanted to make sure I updated my blog.

I’m having my moments. 😦

I did it!

I set a deadline and I managed to pull it off including some last minute changes!

So here it is… I published this evening and I’ll write more in another post.

I am one of those people who needs time to herself. I just need to be able to separate myself from everyone and everything else and just be. Whether that means I get creative or not depends on the day and the events.

The last couple of weeks I’ve needed that. I can’t describe how much I’ve needed that! I needed to get to the beach, I needed to be one with the sand and the water and I needed (and still do) need time to think. And I’m talking about that deep down thinking. I need to think about this new job and where I’m at in life.

One of the things I have been thinking about non-stop is being tired of living paycheque to paycheque and the struggle that goes with that. Not having the freedom to take a day off because I need to take a day but it’s unpaid.

I want to write. I want to sell books and make a really nice comfortable living off that. I’m not talking extravagant but I’m talking comfortable! The ability to save money that I don’t have to go back and use because something comes up! To be able to save up for my retirement and maybe take an early retirement!

The one thing I do know is I don’t want to only see the trailer from Friday afternoon to Sunday every weekend next season. I don’t care if I’m working from home and can work from there. I want to be there… I need to be there.

Do you ever have that feeling that something needs to give? YUP! I’m there. Something HAS to give.

Anyway, I also have to mention that my first book of my Love, Flowers trilogy is almost done. I’m excited that I’m going through what is hopefully the final Round 4 edits, mostly looking for those typo and grammar errors.

I have also entered Haven of Secrets into a contest where the winners have their manuscripts shopped around to be turned into a film or TV series… see, even that I would go for! And wouldn’t it be awesome to see this real-life story that I put my own spin on playing out on the big screen? For me, it would be a dream come true!

I will keep you posted on the trilogy book… I’m hoping to stick to my timeline but I’m really pushing it for book two seeing as I’ve only written Part I of it.

Yes, I’m struggling. Yes, I have different wants and needs than I did once. We all go through it but there aren’t a lot of opportunities for someone like me to change it! Everyone wants university degrees and experience yet I could do whatever they need me to do… all I need is a chance!

We all just need a chance!

Okay… I don’t have a title yet & I’m still editing but the back cover description for Book 1 of my trilogy is here as well as my thoughts for my cover!

Lily is proud of Love, Flowers, the flower shop her mother opened & Lily has nurtured & expanded. Flowers & her daughter, Cathy & family, are her life… all she’s ever known. She loves serving customers who have been loyal through the years & meeting new people who come with their own stories.
But she’s spent so long looking after everyone else & putting smiles on their faces that she’s forgotten to look after herself… her own heart & her own happiness.
Max l, a friend & her delivery driver, has loved Lily almost as long as he’s known her but knows she closed her heart 25 years earlier when her husband was killed. He feels there’s little point even suggesting they spend time together.
All that changes in a heartbeat when something happens to someone near & dear to Max & they realize suddenly that life is too short be put on hold for anything.
Lose yourself in the stories Lily hears & Lily’s story of love, loss & starting over.

Well, I’m about to sit down with what is hopefully my final draft and do whatever last edits I can. Over the last week, as I got closer to finishing, I was getting ideas for the second book which I did write Part One of. However, as I sat down to transfer that idea from the little notes to my notebook I suddenly realized I didn’t like it.

So now I’m back at square one. I’m hoping that, as I read through this final draft, that ideas will formulate and stick so that I can move forward with book two!

I have already come up with what I want for book two and book three but I’m struggling telling the story right now.

Anyway, my day has been shortened by so much already that I’m going to cut this short and see if I can get to it!

Until later!

So for two weeks I got up with an alarm! I dragged myself out of bed and to work! After spending two years working from home… this has to be one of the hardest things!

Last weekend I sat at the trailer and cried. I was soooo frustrated! I never saw myself going back to this setting so it’s been a huge change that isn’t sitting well.

Knowing myself and my quirks, I should have asked if I could start off working the original hours they gave me and build up to the full hours… but nope. I didn’t. And so last Monday I went in and talked to the other nurse and she said that I could do that anytime I wanted to as long as there’s another nurse there… and nobody will care!

So this week, and next week, and probably part of the week after I am paring back a bit to let myself half enjoy life and adjust to working outside of the house once again.

Yes, I can keep looking but what most people don’t understand about family practice is it’s very close knit so joining the team and then leaving can leave a bad taste so I have to choose that wisely!

On the other side of things, I have finished second edits and I’m trying to write a synopsis and I’ve got ideas in my head about the second book and have written a wee bit of it already… even if it is on little note papers from the office.

This week and next is also a Summer Writing Sanctuary that I signed up for so that’s putting me into the mood to work through stuff too.

I’m getting there… I just don’t feel like ME!

We are all aware of the term when it rains, it pours. I have even used it for a blog heading at some point over all these years!

But do you ever find yourself in a position where you are feeling good about things and all you want is for that to continue? I was blessed two weeks ago to have someone from Conestoga College reach out to me on LinkedIn and directed me to a single semester lab that would help me further my freelance writing. I sat in on an information session which excited me and my family has been supportive of my doing it.

So, I’m going to apply to that but I’m going to look at doing in in January because with me starting a new job (oh my, that’s only 3 sleeps away!), out of the house for the first time in two year, I think starting in September might be pushing it a bit too much!

As for my writing, well, in theory I’m working 35 1/2 hours a week. So technically I’m gaining an extra two hours a week! Now, whether I can actually take that two hours and use it solely for writing is yet to be determined!

However, in the now… my first book of my Flower Shop Love Story Trilogy is complete. I’ve edited it once and will proceed with round two edits as soon as I’m done here! I have even managed to take a couple of photos as a potential cover for this and I do need to start working on both a synopsis for the back cover and proper titles… not only for the trilogy but for each individual book as well.

So, in a month or so, time permitting, I should have this book available to you! Each will be a novella rather than a full novel but I think they’ll be quick reads. Going against my own typical formula these are just sweet love stories that I hope everyone will just enjoy.

So, until then my lovely readers! I hope you are all having a fantastic weekend!