If you read my posts regularly you know that I’m anxious-minded, especially since Covid happened.

Well it hasn’t been an easy ride lately with a combination of a number of things happening in quick succession.

This month, especially, has sucked… I’m a storyteller so here goes…

At the beginning of the month I took the car in for regular service which was an oil change and a multi-point inspection which is done annually for me because I don’t drive enough. I was told I needed new control arms which was, thankfully, covered by my warranty. I took it in last Wednesday afternoon to have that done.

Picked it up and took her home feeling more secure because at least hitting some of the bumps on the road didn’t have to stress me that I was going to be stranded.

Later on I made a couple quick pit stops on my way to my parents’. Spent an hour and a half there and when I went out to leave, the car wouldn’t start. All the lights were flashing and I could hear clicking and the radio came on and the bluetooth picked up my phone but no engine running. I called CAA and he suggested we try to boost it… it worked. It was the battery. WTF? We didn’t try to boost it because of all the lights and stuff… I’m old enough to remember the days when a car only went “click” if the battery was dead… do you remember those days?

Anyway, got it to the dealership and parked it there and went in at 7:30 Thursday morning. It WAS the battery so we replaced it and I was on the road again.

Friday I left for the trailer and spent a lovely, though short, weekend. 48 hours later I get in to come home and I have an engine light on!!!!!!!!! WTF?

So this morning I was up early, AGAIN and off to the dealership for the third time in four business days! it turns out its a vent control something-or-other that cost me again!

So can you toss up some prayers that this is it??????

Now I’m feeling the anxiety though because several weeks ago someone happened to mention to me that I should actually put in a WSIB claim for my hand… why? Because, if nothing else, they might reimburse me for my physiotherapy. Of course it’s probably good to have the claim in because if I have issues with this hand down the road I at least have some recourse!

Work is not impressed… and I only told one doc. She said to do what I need to do but still wasn’t impressed. Today I need to get the form to her and, since I actually initiated this a couple weeks ago, I now have a claim number and my adjudicator wants to chat with her. So there’s a couple things that will happen simultaneously today and my anxiety levels are definitely going up over that right now.

Anyway, I’m being a nervous Nelly right now so just needed to put this out in the universe. I love the support from all those who read and can just be there!

Thanks for listening!

I know, I haven’t written now for over a month.

I’d love to say I have a million excuses but when all is said and done, I’m burnt out. I’m exhausted. Between running patients back and forth and having paperwork to fax I put in close to 10,000 steps a day IN AN OFFICE!! 😦 That just isn’t natural! I took a week and a half off around the last time I posted and I was back two and a half days and I was just as exhausted as I had been two weeks early when I left.

By the end of the day I have zero energy left for anything and certainly not a lot to give anyone either.

There might be hope at the end of the tunnel but I will save that for another day; another time because I’ve had too many hopes recently and been shot down.

I have looked back on the last year and wondered how I have managed to publish two of three books in my trilogy. It feels like this last one just wrote itself but it’s come in at only 23,000 words. I also know I missed three vital storyline wrap-ups so I’ve made notes and will add those in during edits of which I’ve been carrying around with me for two weeks now and managed to edit half a page.

I have tons of ideas sitting on back burners and those back burners are WAY off on a distant stove somewhere!

Today I’m staying lakeside and hoping to get some of that editing done and celebrating my daughter’s birthday which is tomorrow when she joins the quarter-century club which makes me feel old and unaccomplished. I think that’s just a feeling. We all have a future we dream about and when you don’t reach certain milestones you wonder if some things have been worth it.

I’m looking, right now, for any writing gigs for medical writing and faith writing. It’s time for me to spread those wings and see how powerful my wings could be.

Don’t worry, I’ll keep it up with the fiction stories too!

Considering that I usually write weekly I know that these last couple of months my posts have been scarce and it’s not for a lack of material, it’s more a lack of direction.

As I alluded to in my Canada Day post I’m feeling pretty lost. I applied for a job that I would have been perfect for. I was even told at the first interview that I was their number one choice. I went to a second interview and then I was asked if I would be able to do a two-hour shadow with the person I’d be replacing. I was on vacation and had no issue with setting up a time and I would just head home from the trailer the night before, go then come back. Late Friday I hadn’t heard anything so I emailed Tuesday and they had decided that with my experience they’d forgo the working interview. They also advised they would make a decision by the end of the week. Imagine my surprise when I finally got an email yesterday afternoon at 4:47 that said they had chosen another candidate.

That’s where my mind has been. I’ve been asking how, when I was supposedly their first choice, I didn’t get an offer?

My other issue is that I despise my job. Being away for a week and a half with absolutely ZERO desire to go back on Monday has only compounded the fact that I HAVE TO do something and it has to be done fast.

Of course the other questions flooding my mind all have to do with my faith. Why did I not receive something that I have been praying for for so long? Have I done wrong? Do I not deserve it? Did I not pray hard enough? Or have I just been totally forgotten?

I’m trying to find answers to all those questions. I’m failing miserably. At least I’m in my favourite place and at least I’ve managed to get down to the beach to put my feet in the sand and the water. It’s where I feel most connected to God though I’m feeling extreme anger right now.

I have so many ideas for writing and I can’t even find the time to follow through with one let alone all of them. I feel like I could take a month off and still not have enough time.

Maybe by writing my frustrations here and putting it all out into the universe it will make a difference.

And maybe it won’t make a difference at all. I feel like I can’t get answers about anything from anyone.

It’s like being in a cave and screaming but nobody is there to hear me.

Is there anyone out there? And is anyone hearing me?

Yesterday was an impossible day to write!

Arrived at the trailer on Friday around noon, got unpacked then ended up helping with yardwork.

Yesterday was the Artisan Market in the park where I was selling my books from 12-6. Well that was an, unfortunate, bust. I talked to several people, sold only two books, but made some contacts along the way.

Packed up and was out of there by 4:30. I think events in town and it being Canada Day really kept people away this year.

Was taken out for dinner because it’s been a very long, bad and emotional week for me. This past week, in a nutshell, was a huge letdown for me despite being on vacation for half of it.

I don’t know where I’m going… I don’t know where I’m supposed to go! I feel so incredibly lost.

Yes, I got my book published last weekend but I even got a notice that publishing is taking longer than anticipated and I know I screwed up on the back cover copy already! Forehead slap!

Anyway, I haven’t touched a pen with the exception of maintaining my One Line a Day journal. Outside of that it’s been too busy, even to send out my Canada Day post!

At least I slept better last night.

How are you?

I’m hanging in here. My mind is extremely mixed up these days! This morning especially! I’m reaching for words and extremely sore!

Do you ever feel like you’re at a point in your life where you might just have to have faith and take a leap? I’ve been wanting to ask that for a while now. I feel like I’m there. I feel like I had a little whisper in my ear of what I need to do. It’s not that part that’s difficult, it’s having faith that I’ll be okay!

When I’m here at the trailer, my heart and mind join as one. I begin feeling things again. They are not overwhelming things. They are not pressure. It’s just a feeling of peace and it allows me to jump in with both feet and want to make plans and lists of things I want to write. HOW I want to move forward and it inspires me. Until I go back!

Today was a gorgeous day. I even spent a couple hours with my mom in town. We shopped. I shopped more but we shopped! We talked and we had fun. We went everywhere… except my favourite little used bookshop. I haven’t been there yet. I have to get there soon. I miss going there. I haven’t forgotten, I just like being able to spend time in there to browse.

Anyway, I’m closing in on my next novella being done now, finally, so I’m going to take the time I’ve got and go do that!

As days pass by my patience starts to wane. I know each and every one is prone to that as we all have wishes and dreams that just seem unreachable. For twenty years I have wanted to be a writer. In that time I have written books and articles that I have had positive responses to but that person that I NEED to find my work never seems to find it!

Will I ever get the opportunity to write full-time? Will I ever have the chance to get up in the morning, write until noon, Do some shopping then write more? Then submit it all in exchange for a cheque?

Sometimes I don’t know if I’ll ever get there. I’m realizing more and more that it’s more than fatigue, it’s more than exhaustion… I’m completely burned out.

It’s one thing to come to that realization but it’s entirely different to try to do something about it when you are the one responsible for paying the bills. Your back is up against a wall, you’ve painted yourself into a corner but you have no other choice but to walk through the wet paint and carry on. It’s no wonder that people end up having mental health issues but even if I do, I have no benefits to fall back on!

Anyway, despite all that, the creative brain has been working this week. I happened to hear a song on the Elvis channel on Sirius XM that not even LJ had heard before and he’s as big a fan as can be! It’s called This is our Dance and it is just absolutely beautiful. If it was a painting it would be stunning. As I listened it to it on repeat the other day I suddenly realized that it would make a great book title. And I could either use it as a memoir or perhaps kind of fictionalize our story.

I know that I have other stories to finish telling so I don’t know when I’ll find time to actually tell this story but maybe I’ll have to set a few of those projects aside. That will depend on my creative brain!

So as I try to deal with burnout yet carry on with day-to-day life I will continue to do my best. I can’t say my best will be good enough but I’ll at least try.

Many of us are in the same boat. I do want you to know that I know that I’m facing burnout and the issues that come with that. Being aware of our issues is the first step. If you’re struggling and don’t know why, please seek help to find out as it’s a first step. Don’t let it consume you.

After two weeks (or so) I’m finally writing again… I didn’t last week because I was busy packing for the trailer! I took two days of vacation on Monday and Tuesday to come and open her up and that was totally worth it!

It is amazing to be back. I’m home. That’s the best term I can use. Life is chaos at home with the sudden moving in of my daughter’s boyfriend because his landlord decided to sell the house and wanted the tenants out so it’s just chaos because .

This is where I am and this is where I want to be. I can’t shake the feeling that I have come home.

I blasted Country Roads, Take Me Home by John Denver multiple times on the way up here both Monday and yesterday.

I relax here. I feel good here… yes, yesterday I felt rotten because I ached all over and by the time I went to bed I had a migraine that was REALLY tough to shake but I didn’t care. I pushed myself because I was here. I have a different energy here. Even when I was working from home it was just a different energy when I was here working and that’s what I both want and need again!

I also wanted so badly to write last week to say that I had a positive meeting with the Waterloo Region Rural Post owner… you remember that I periodically wrote for them? Unfortunately, like so many companies, COVID did not leave it unscathed. Financially it’s no longer possible so instead of throwing in the towel, like everything, the plan is for it to morph.

So things are changing on that front as well and IF things go well with what is currently happening he would like me to come on board… I wish I had taken notes but I will be a part of it, a larger role than a periodic writer!

I almost danced out of Starbucks that day and didn’t even care that it was raining! Those close to me know that this girl doesn’t leave home without her umbrella when there’s a 20% chance of rain! And that I usually dance in the sunshine. That day I was dancing in the rain!

The more and more I move forward in life the more I just want to sit and write. Unfortunately that takes time; time that is rare and precious. I think I’m going to have to force the issue and start setting aside a minimum of one hour a day… maybe 45 minutes… no matter where I am or what I’m doing. Even if I have to get my egg timer out and set it and force myself to sit and write for that time frame.

It’s something we all have to do. It’s hard and it’s going to be really hard. Unless I find something else where I feel more energetic after work but right now, I have to force it. Maybe just starting days… Monday, Wednesday, Friday? I will come up with something that is suitable and realistic. That I will.

So go out today and dance in the sunshine. Dance for yourself and add a few steps for me!

I was going to put a post up on my Alzheimer’s Blog and realized that a post that was supposed to end up here, ended up there! I don’t know how this stuff happens sometimes but it did.

This was the post I wrote 3 days after Family Day and, what’s funny is, I was wondering how come it wasn’t getting commented on… now I know! So here it is… go back to February 23rd… the dead of winter… and have a read…

“This past weekend was great. It was relaxing and I got a lot accomplished on Monday even if it wasn’t everything I had on my to-do list.

Then I went to work yesterday and at the end of the day, while I drove home, I realized my regrets.

Last summer, on the fifth of July, I was informed in a less-than-five-minute, totally scripted video call that I didn’t appear on camera for because I felt they didn’t deserve even that, I was told that I was redundant and my services were no longer required. Of course they used the old “we’re talking the company in a different direction” speech but it didn’t lessen the blow for myself or the other five or six people they did the same thing to.

I immediately went into survival mode. I overlooked the fact they were providing an exit package and I jumped onto Indeed and started applying for anything and everything when all I really WANTED to do was pack my bags and disappear to the trailer for however long to allow myself to digest the news and just be.

The end result was a call for an interview as soon as I could possibly schedule it. I put it off until the following week but it was for a job in an environment I never saw myself in ever again.

Instead of thinking it over and, eventually, walking away from a mediocre offer , I was still in that survival mode and accepted it.

Six months later I have a great number of regrets. I wish I would have taken the time to go to the trailer and just be. It would have meant that the application for that job would never have left my computer. It also means that maybe I would have found some entirely different.

Six months later I’m in a great deal of pain. My neck and shoulders ache at the end of every day. When my hands started hurting I regretted scheduling a doctor’s appointment three weeks out. It was productive finding a thyroid issue I didn’t know about, osteoarthritis in my hands as well as he diagnosed tendonitis in my right thumb which started in the last six months. I know the exact cause… hauling charts.

I don’t know where else I would have ended up but I will also never know. What I do know is that today I jarred my thumb and it’s still hurting which has just compounded my regrets.

So I will carry on doing whatever it is I can to try to bring change but I’m struggling because I can even get interviews despite what I know I could bring to the table for someone. Another frustration is LinkedIn where everyone talks about connections and companies being interested and looking for anyone who might be a good fit but I feel like I’m frequently overlooked and I don’t know how to change that either.

Thanks for letting me vent my regrets! What I truly want to do I need time to work on. Life is always a catch-22.

Sigh.”

It was a s**tshow of a week, starting the previous Friday when it took my poor co-worker all the way until 7:00 p.m. to finally not be ticked off with the events of the morning.That all continued this week and I don’t know why or where it’s coming from.

In eight sleeps we open the trailer. It will be my first vacation days since last summer. I’m trying to finish my shopping list and make sure I have everything and that was supposed to include a trip to Walmart after my nails Friday. However, someone got locked out of his phone!

Has anyone had this happen with a Samsung before? I have had iPhones for several years now and they only wake up when I press the button. Samsungs wake up as soon as you move them or lift them. So this phone was pocketed and I guess the pocket decided that the phone needed a password and proceeded to set one… your guess is as good as mine how and the Geek Squad couldn’t figure it out either.

Doesn’t matter… the bottom line is that half of Friday and half of yesterday (making a whole day) have been lost as I have tried to troubleshoot this and that’s an entire day that I’m NEVER going to get back.

So I’m extremely frustrated and annoyed, no ANGRY! I’m getting nothing accomplished and I’m exhausted when I do have time and have to force myself to get even the remotest stuff done.

I need a week off just to do stuff around the house. Then I need another week off just to recover from that!

Anyway, I got the phone up and running, I got to Walmart and I’m at home, with the boys getting some cuddles, finishing this and getting the odd little thing done before I go to my mom and dad’s for a much needed visit and finish my daughter’s income tax… see, always something for someone else.

There was something else I wanted to write in here before I signed it off but, like with anything else, I can’t remember by the time I got here!

So I will leave you with that thought and I’ll go have a few more cuddles and catch a bit more of baseball before I go.

As I do every day, for more time in a day than someone should (but when you’re in my position you have to), I reviewed all the job postings I get in my email every single day for a long list of postings from general nursing to bookkeeping to nurse clinician and also under general titles like REMOTE and WORK FROM HOME.

So last night a posting appeared on my Work From Home list and I HAD to click on it and read more about it. The pay could be equivalent to what I have now with a couple more hours so the annual comes in at significantly more. And it would be assisting with flowers and administrative stuff. It’s also hybrid so I could work a couple days a week from home!

I thought about it and I could not shake it. It was the best post I’ve seen in a while that made me raise my eyebrows! It would be right up my alley! It would pull together everything I’ve learned over all these years. Helping with events, doing some basic administration, getting into the social media posts and perhaps even helping with flowers… okay, raise your hand if you don’t know me well enough to know that this, THIS is WHO I TRULY AM!

After continuing to think about it, like that wasn’t enough, it was like a Voice told me to apply.

So I did!

Of course there are tons of little reasons why it might not work but I can’t know any of the details unless I get an interview. So maybe that will happen or maybe it won’t but I’m hoping so!

Since I’m writing a trilogy set in a floral shop it would be quite the pulling together of all things in my life. Of course writing that letter and applying boosted my spirits and I’m about to enter some of my edits because it’s the only way to get my editing back on track.

So on that note, at the end of a very frustrating and angering day, I’m going to sign off here and go do some of that before my entire evening is coming to an end since they tend to do that in a big hurry don’t they?