My day-to-day has become a constant one-upping competition with myself. I get up in the morning and get to work and I stretch myself beyond what I believed my capabilities would be at this age.

I have a great friend in Tracy who's almost the same age as me and shares the same ideals at our job. When you look around at what other people are doing around you in order to help the people I help, you don't see a lot of imagination or real devotion. Hopefully it's not because you get burnt out over the daily struggles and shortcoming of our clientèle, because that can be harrowing to keep in mind when you're carving out a career in this field. But I'm constantly surprised at the lack of above and beyond where I work, because when you don't go above and beyond, you can't reach the desired outcome, which is complete integration of these people in our community.

Anyway, I just got off the phone with my supervisor and we may have landed a job that could employ over half of our unemployed clients. We worked hard on selling our program and explaining the costs and benefits, and we had little hope that somebody would go for something so changing for our company, and, in our eyes, so expensive. Tomorrow they are going to nail down the details. And this could make us.

What I'm trying to say is I am incredibly thankful to be doing what I'm doing and my daily goal is to give everything I have to be awesome at my job. I've left a lot of things behind in order to do this, and while that's sad, I suppose it's just how things go.

So this is a short goodbye to all of those things. I miss those of you who entertained me in years past and provided me with different perspectives that I could not get on hand. I'll be around, I'm sure you'll see me sporadically. Email me if you feel like it, I'd really like that.

from the past few months.

I stood in the kitchen of a beautiful house right off of N Killingsworth. There were knick-knacks on all of the shelves, candles in actual candlestick holders, a lovely, fresh-looking paint job on the walls. Cornflower blue, were they crayons. Somebody was talking about their ultra-cleansing diet-- I had tuned out of that conversation long ago. I watched as more women came to the door and I started to feel ill. It wasn't the company that bothered me, it was the fact that I was to trade clothing with all of these healthy people, people who would never need to go on a very regimented diet at any point in their lives.

The bags were turned upside down, and with wine glasses in hand, everybody dug into the pile and started shrieking over the wonderful garments. I gingerly took a sip from my glass, already drunker than I should have been at 8 o'clock, in the company of new people at that... I picked up item after item of clothing and tried them on.

Because I was high on life (and wine), I didn't get a chance to cry. This is hard to understand if you haven't gone through it, but getting rid of that fat girl mentality is near impossible. Even though I've been out of the plus sizes for a couple of numbers, I still don't feel as if I'm anything but an 18 long.

A friend and I departed after an hour or two, and my bags were heavier leaving than they were coming. Thankfully somebody was going to a larger-scale swap the next day and took all of the clothing that nobody claimed. All of my size 14 and up stuff went away and I will never see it again. While I'm not yet quite aware of my body now, I'm getting there, and trying on clothes in front of a bunch of women who are close to my body size was such a good experience. I feel better than I ever have.

I ended the night at an impromptu karaoke gathering, and I fucking tore apart "Gangstas Paradise" while shaking what I got, and it felt spectacular. What I got was hard to get to, but I feel as if I've earned it.

Things that have happened since September:

1 I lost 45 pounds. I got to experience hip bones again for the first time in 3 years.
2 My left index finger has a wicked callous:



Since taking up knitting, I've poured a good amount of my money into this store and this store.

3 I bought a new camera.
4 Kevin Federline's daily antics stopped amusing me.
5 My hands have endured about 500 papercuts.
6 I pulled the sliding side door off of Robert's new van in the Burlington Coat Factory parking lot.
7 500 bucks were saved to buy tickets for the two of us to fly out east. Robert will have the Kennedy/Sullivan experience, and I pray that he will still love me after he's heard about the time I bought a roach clip and thought it was a hair clip at age 11.


more later.

Recently, I have discovered a ground-breaking way to further disgust you with the Axe and Tag body sprays.

Mix it with the smell of my malnourished Russian roommate's shit when you're too embarrassed to have your floor mates know you have the poo berries.

In other news, I got a mother-damn-ass-fucking promotion and I deserved it. I kick ass too much for words. Which is why I haven't written in here for months.

What is new in the world of Livejournal friends?

( I haven't laughed this hard since I saw the last video they released.Collapse )

'Scuse me, guys. I gotta go join the black parade.

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Also, something that's been brought to my attention: I make the most disgusting puns in this journal. The thing is, I abhor puns made by others. I like to think I'm transcending the level of just making your everyday pun and going into a really uncomfortable, but magical, level of irony with my horrendous puns, but one can never be sure.

In other words, I'm way pretentious about my own puns.

My iPod is finally looking it's age. Oh, you clever Apple people. Moo will be a year old this Christmas, and he's already dented in one corner and the headphones are showing wires (wires!) at the bottom.

Despite treating that thing like it's the last newborn ever to be born again forever and ever and therefore the fate of the human race, it's dinged and falling apart.

Guess I'll have to buy a new one.

Since joining Weight Watchers a few weeks ago, my key foods and meals have changed.

Favorite Breakfast: Lettuce
Favorite Lunch: Lettuce, maybe 10 baby carrots
Favorite Snack: Lettuce
Favorite Dinner: Lettuce with 1 tablespoon oil/vinegar

In my bad moments, I remind myself that I'm eating like a rabbit and rabbits are pretty sweet.

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I've had three dreams in the past week in which I'm Neve Cambell. Normal? Discuss.

I've had to call 911 twice in the past week.

(Now with explanation in comments!)