I was watching 'Aliens of London' today and Harriet Jones was reminding me of Laura Roslin!
This is a pretty good description of my feelings. 
http://meddow.dreamwidth.org/tag/pirates

New York City if I can make it here I can make it anywhere, and because I haven't been able to make it anywhere. Spinning always spinning light sound. I am in a never ending tunnel. 

Severus made him evaluate his own progress one day--it had been three months since he had started taking the healing potion. Sirius felt at a loss of what to say at first. For all his improvement, he didn't feel strikingly different. There were still days full of bleak, suffocating hopelessness, and nights he spent unsleeping and afraid of the future. On the other hand, these were less and less frequent, and living as a human seemed less like an unpleasant obligation now. He felt energy surging through him at times; he felt the need to laugh, read, clean the dungeons, go out and meet with Harry and Remus, or just walk through the forests and breathe deeply. Breathing felt easier now. His lungs filled of their own accord, instead of closing up just below his throat.  ~ from 'Shade More Than Man' by Acamar

This excerpt contains such a perfect description of depression. 
I have soul-rot. I wish that Severus would save me.

Here I am in bed at 2am Saturday morning sobbing for some stupid reason. I'm not even up-set about anything in particular. Wow I feel like a complete loser. All of my LJ posts are from bed. I never want to get out of bed.  I want to feel safe and in control and this is the only place I feel any semblance of that. 

Remember when you were little and you could hide under a table and everything felt ok? I used to feel this very special feeling, for which there are no words. I want to feel that way all the time. To let the adults sit there an have their 'chit chat.' To be too busy in your own imaginings for that nonsense.

I just read Mirror in the Sky (Part 4) by on_wax

In a weird way it's sort of what made me burst in to tears. I keep thinking about that feeling of taking the person who you can have. Even though they're not the one you really love. Of loving someone despite how much they hurt you time and time again. Does forgiving them mean you hate yourself? Or is your love just too real? Too powerful?

Will I ever be close enough to someone again to risk it? This story is beautiful. While I was reading my toes kept curling and my fingers clenched. When I am in my apartment with all the lights blazing and the tv on low for background noise I wonder. Where is all of that atmosphere? Why should I risk it? What am a supposed to do with this life sitting here listlessly in my hands.
There are too many options. I can drink or not drink. Eat or not eat. Spend or not spend. Hurt or not hurt. Love or not love.  

Professor Snape: Expelliarmus! Ah, vengeance is sweet. How I hoped I'd be the one to catch you.
[to Lupin]
Professor Snape: I told Dumbledore you were helping an old friend enter the castle and now here's the proof.
Sirius Black: Brilliant, Snape - once again you've put your keen and penetrating mind to the task and as usual come to the wrong conclusion. Now if you'll excuse us, Remus and I have some unfinished business to attend to.
Professor Snape: [raises his wand at Black] Give me a reason. I beg you.
Professor Lupin: Severus, don't be a fool...
Sirius Black: He can't help it. It's habit by now.
Professor Lupin: Sirius, be quiet!
Sirius Black: Be quiet yourself, Remus!
Professor Snape: Listen to you two, quarrelling like an old married couple.
Sirius Black: Why don't you run along and play with your chemistry set?
Professor Snape: [puts his wand to Black's throat] I could do it, you know... But why deny the Dementors? They're so longing to see you.
[Sirius trembles]
Professor Snape: Do I detect a flicker of fear? Ah, yes. The Dementor's Kiss. One can only imagine what that must be like to endure. It's said to be nearly unbearable to witness, but I'll do my best.


Sirius Black: You know the man you truly are, Remus! This heart is where you truly live! This heart! Here! This flesh is only flesh!

I've been so busy dog sitting for my Dad and trying to stay positive I've totally fallen behind in the RS Games!  I miss Remus *sobs* it's like being away from your best friend or your true self? It's like HP characters are more real to me than the people I eat lunch with.

It's so hard to stop binging! I'm just tired and I want french fries. But I know I'll be happier if I ate right. I keep wondering if I should just ask my therapist to up my medication. Am I really using food to affect my moods or am I just a gross lazy pig? Lamectil has been the most help of any of the drugs but it only seems to even me out. It's a mood stabilizer. What about the depression?

Work!  It's killing me and I've only been back for 2 weeks.  Americorps is a great program but all of the politics are exhausting.  I feel like I am being expected to support and disseminate the managements decisions even though I am still not an official part of the management team. I don't know who I need to talk to in order to get my feedback heard! I wish I could just skip training and stay at the art center all week. 

In better news... I've been reading the Hunger Games.  It's a fun YA book! It's nice to read about a strong female antagonist who I like. Not just none-stop slash ^__^ not that I don't love love love it. 
I'm off to bed to finish book 2!    

For a long, long time I've wanted to be more active on LJ but my old account was connected to old friends and my work e-mail.  I just didn't feel comfortable.  But now I have a whole new account.  I think LJ provides an wonderful space for people to connect and be heard.  I love all of the Communities I've joined and the amazing journals and stories I've had the privilege to read.  I would be most honored if anyone wants to be my friend.  I look forward to being more active and providing more feed back.  You are all wonderful, funny and talented.