Apparition

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This will be a short post. The subject is ghosting. Not the kind of ghosting you do when someone disrespects you. Or if someone is toxic or negative. That type of ghosting is perfectly acceptable in my opinion. I’ve done it many times. I believe in protecting your peace with vigor. But that’s not the ghosting I’m referring to. I’m talking about ghosting someone who did absolutely nothing wrong. I was a recipient of this type of ghosting years ago. My main question: Is it fair to do that to someone?

I surmise it depends on machinations of the person doing the ghosting. Their intent is clear to me. It’s beyond cruel. It’s devious. The ghoster is emotionally immature in my opinion. They lack empathy and compassion. They throw good people away like trash. So, to answer my question, of course it’s not fucking fair.

But people do it all the time. Without care. Without remorse. Without regret. They just ghost you and go on about their lives as if you never existed. Diabolical.

I honestly don’t have much more to say about it. I don’t condone it. Simple as that. I don’t treat good people in that fashion. Especially the person who did it to me 10 years ago. I would never have done that to her. I respected her too much. I admired her too much. I’m just not petty like that.

I honestly don’t want to write about this anymore because it makes feel a certain way. A way I don’t want to feel. So, in closing, don’t ghost good people. Don’t discard good people. Don’t be cruel to good people. And, yes, I’m one of those good people that got tossed in the bin. But you know what? I’ve grown over the years. I absolutely do not need her validation. Like at all. I know exactly who I am. She lost a good one. She lost a real one. Maybe someday she’ll realize that. But I honestly don’t give a fuck.

A late edit. This will be very brief. For years I thought I lost the best thing in my life when she walked away. Like I’m the one who missed out on something real and beautiful. I felt like I failed. I lost. But as I’ve continued to grow over the years, I’ve changed my tune. She’s the one who missed out. She’s the one who failed. She has no idea what I’m capable of. I can literally accomplish anything I set my mind to. I’m capable of great things. So, sure I lost. But she did too. Some people are ordinary. Some people are extraordinary. I know which one I am. I don’t think she does, though. That’s on her.

Do fucking better, ghosters.

Things I’ve Learned Over The Years: A List

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1- Depression isn’t permanent. It can be conquered with therapy, medication and changing how you think. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process, one you must fully commit to and put the work in that is required. But you can beat it. Don’t give up. Hope is a beautiful thing.

2- Genuinely kind people emit a light and energy that draws you to them. Kind people are the best people.

3- Don’t let the opinions of others become your reality. That’s a quote from a former therapist of mine. Wiser words have never been said.

4- There’s a fine line between arrogance and confidence. Don’t be the former. Confidence is attractive. Arrogance is a turn off.

5- Find a career that you enjoy. Working at jobs you hate will make you miserable and unhappy and lifeless. Find something you love to do. It doesn’t have to be a high-paying job. Just something you honestly like. Makes a huge difference in your outlook on life.

6- Don’t live in the past. You aren’t the same person you were 5 or 10 years ago. The past is only about learning from your mistakes. Don’t repeat them. The past can transform you, but it shouldn’t trap you. Live in the moment. Don’t dwell on things you have no control over.

7- If someone hurt you, it just means you tried. You can’t get a hit if you don’t swing the bat. Never regret trying or caring or loving or missing someone. Sometimes things just don’t work out like you wanted. Don’t be bitter or jaded. Just cherish the time you got to spend with them. They aren’t the enemy.

8- Don’t be afraid to learn from others. If someone does a certain thing better than you, learn from them. For me it was my former therapist. She was the kindest human being I’ve ever met. At that time I was not kindest person in the world. So I learned from her how to be kind. And that’s what I am today, a kind person. It applies to anything. If you’re an alcoholic, learn from someone who is 10 years sober. If you’re new to writing, learn from established writers and so on.

9- When it comes to relationships, never settle. Aim high. Don’t be in a relationship just to be in one, or to avoid being alone. Don’t stay in a dead relationship because it’s just easier than breaking up. Put yourself first. Your happiness trumps everything. Know your worth. Don’t be afraid to be alone for a spell. You’ll learn more about yourself than you ever will in a relationship. You will also grow and understand yourself better. Don’t settle. EVER.

10- Be yourself in all situations. Some people won’t like you. That’s a fact. But it doesn’t matter. Just be yourself. Don’t be somebody you’re not just to please someone. It doesn’t work that way. If they don’t accept who you are, then walk away. Trust me, you will find your person or your people. Don’t deviate from who you are. You are good enough. You are intelligent enough. You are kind enough. Be yourself.

11- Don’t beat yourself up too much if you fail at something. We all fail at some point in our lives. It’s how you handle failure that truly defines you. Learn from it. Grow from from it. Do better next time. Always have a positive attitude no matter how many times you fail. And most importantly, never stop trying. Keep going. Keep pushing. You got this.

12- You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. It took me years to understand this because I hated myself for decades. Relationships always failed because of this. But I’ve grown so much over the years. I finally love who I am now. And it’s a game-changer. I treat people so much better now. I don’t take things personally anymore. I don’t doubt myself anymore. And, for probably the first time in my life, I’m ready to fully love someone. In the past, I could never fully invest myself in a relationship because I felt I was damaged goods. I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t love myself. But I’m a different man now. An improved man. A man who doesn’t hate himself anymore. My future feels bright now.

13- Enjoy every second of your kid’s childhood because in the blink of an eye they grow into adults who don’t need you the way they did when they were little. Time flies. Cherish every moment with them because eventually they’ll move out and start the next chapter of their lives. It happens so damn fast. My daughter will be 18 in a few months. I’m both happy and sad about that. Happy that she will start the next chapter of her life and hopefully accomplish great things. Sad because she won’t be my little girl anymore. Yeah, I kinda want to cry right now.

14- Keep toxic people out of your life. If someone doesn’t support you, get them out of your life. If someone one is constantly disrespectful, get them out of your life. If someone only brings chaos and drama, get them out of your life. If someone always brings up the person you were 10 or 15 years ago, get them out of your life. Life is too short to have negative people around you. They drain you. They kill your happiness. They kill your peace. They kill your attitude. Get those toxic fuckers out of your life. You don’t need them. You’ll be just fine without them.

15- Enjoy the simple things in your life, whatever form that takes. For me, it’s sitting on the porch, drinking coffee, enjoying the tranquility it provides. Or the laughter of my daughter. An excellent movie. A deep conversation. Laughing at yourself. A walk in the park on a beautiful day. A wonderful memory that flashes in your mind. It could literally be anything. Cherish those simple pleasures.

We Are Not The Same

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Something I’ve really struggled with lately is cutting people out of my life who either don’t align with my current life or I see them as toxic. It’s difficult to let go of people I’ve known for decades. It’s not something I enjoy. It’s not something I feel good about. I put a lot of thought into the decision to block them or cut them out. It basically comes down to if they disturb my peace or not.

I’ve grown so much over the years. I’m always evolving. I don’t resemble the person I was even 10 years ago. I’m all-in when comes to personal change. So when I have people in my life who haven’t grown over the years, I struggle with it. Like they are exactly who they’ve always been. No growth. No evolving. They’re just content being less than. Average. Mediocre. That’s the opposite of me. I’m always trying to improve myself. I can’t relate to people who don’t feel the same. So I cut them out of my life.

Is it fair? I honestly don’t know. Is it too harsh? Maybe, maybe not. If you bring nothing new to the table why do I need you in my life? If you constantly bring up the person I was 20 years ago, why do I want you in my life? I’m not that person anymore, and if you bring that person up, I don’t appreciate it. Talk about who I am currently, not who I was decades ago. I have no tolerance for that nonsense and negativity.

The whole situation is just difficult for me. Like literally earlier today I blocked someone Ive known a very long time. I can’t say who it is or what they did because there’s a small chance they’ll see this post and I don’t like throwing people under the bus. All I can say is that they received something they didn’t earn. Something expensive. And it really rubbed me the wrong way because if I want something I bust my ass to get it. Nothing is handed to me like that. It really bothered me so I blocked them. No final message or anything. Just blocked them. And like the other people I’ve blocked, I don’t know if I was in the right. It’s still on my mind.

My circle is so small now that I have nobody that I can have deep and meaningful conversations with. Not counting my kids. It’s hard to go through life with nobody to talk to about important stuff. I did this to myself. I made those decisions. Nobody forced me. I chose to cut them out. But it did come with a price. I have to deal with everything alone. Nobody to share things with. I’m mostly fine with that, but I do miss having people I can talk to about stuff.

In closing, I honestly don’t know if every decision I make about blocking people is the correct one. If feels right at the time, though.

If you’re not growing and evolving why do I need you in my life? A question I don’t have a firm answer for. All I know is that I will continue to grow and evolve and prosper. And if you don’t want to come along for the ride then fuck off. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone besides my kids.

Too harsh? I don’t give a fuck. I do things a certain way. My way. The right way. If you don’t align with that then good luck to you. I hope you figure things out.

But just know, I’ve probably already blocked you. It is what it is. Zero regrets.

Completely Random Stuff In My Head: A List

On By Wisp Of SmokeIn essay, Uncategorized2 Comments

1- I don’t enjoy going on dates. I barely do it anymore. People bore me. My standards are too high. It is what it is.

2- Related to #1. I’m not lonely. I enjoy being alone. I thrive in solitude. I don’t need someone to feel whole.

3- I love making tacos at home. Either with ground beef or seafood. I also make quesadillas. I eat both multiple times per week.

4- I rarely feel emotions anymore. Must be the medication. I’m in the exact same mood everyday. I don’t get too high. I don’t get too low. I feel kinda robotic at times. Beats being depressed, though.

5- I would love to sit in a bar and have a beer with Jack White. Such an interesting guy. He’s a cool cat.

6- I have the best daughter in the world. She’s beautiful, intelligent, funny, kind, a hard worker, and generous. My life would mean nothing without her. The sun rises and sets with her.

7- I absolutely love true crime, like Dateline and 48 Hours. I’m fascinated by why people do evil things. Still can’t figure out why men murder their wives instead of getting a divorce. Makes zero sense to me.

8- I ended a friendship recently with someone I’ve known since I was 17. I don’t feel good about it. I also don’t feel bad about it. He said some things I didn’t appreciate. It felt disrespectful. So I cut him out of my life. Wasn’t an easy decision, but it was the right decision.

9- My 2 previous posts were about a woman from my past. I don’t regret writing them. It was cathartic. They needed to be written. But I won’t write about her anymore. It’s a waste of my time and energy.

10- I absolutely will not date a Trump supporter. No explanation needed.

11- I wouldn’t change a single thing about my past because it helped transform me into the man I am today. Without the struggles there wouldn’t have been growth and understanding.

12- I live by 2 mantras. 1- Always be evolving. 2- Be a better person today than I was yesterday. These are extremely important to me.

13- I’m very punctual. Never late. Always on time. I expect the same from others.

14- Women are the most powerful and greatest people on earth. They can love you, heal you, change you, fulfill you, enrich your life, and also absolutely destroy you. Crazy power.

15- Intelligence is sexy as hell.

16- I’m attracted to short women. No clue why. Below 5’4″ is preferable.

17- I’ve pretty much played every sport during my life. Golf is by far the most difficult to master. Hard to be consistent.

18- The older I get the more I appreciate Pink Floyd and The Rolling Stones. Some of the best lyrics in the game.

19- I desperately want to move to Florida before I get too old. I’ve already looked at houses and apartments online in the Port Orange/Daytona Beach area. My mom used to live there, so I know the area a little bit. But I won’t leave my daughter until she starts the next chapter of her life. She’ll be 18 in September. I’m still a couple of years away from moving down there. I just want to be close to the ocean. And play golf year round.

20- I’m a massive introvert. It’s not that I dislike people, it’s just that I despise small talk. I’m very comfortable in silence. People can be exhausting at times.

21- I’m always worried about my son. He’s had addiction issues and suffers from depression. He doesn’t reveal much, so I’m never positive about how he’s doing. He’s a good man. Very intelligent. A huge heart. Extremely funny. But I’m constantly worried something is going to happen to him. Probably irrational, but it’s how I feel.

22- I still think about that cop that found me sleeping in a parking garage in the winter of 2011. He changed the trajectory of my life. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without his intervention. We’re friends on Facebook. He’s a good dude and great husband and father. I want to be more like him.

23- I want to write a novel at some point. But I won’t unless I can write the perfect book. I need a great plot. I won’t write a book just to write one. It has to be excellent. And I won’t do what other online authors do, write a book and give it away for free online. Fuck that. If I devote 6 months of my life to write a great novel, you will have to pay to read it. My talent has a price tag.

24- I’ve lived in this house in Middletown for over 8 years, and my neighbors know nothing about me. I reveal nothing. They only know my name. They don’t know I’m a writer. They don’t know about my past. They don’t know anything about my kids. That’s the way I want it. You have to earn the right to learn more about me. I’m just a very private person.

25- I had a Lyft passenger recently who said “thank you for the therapy session” when I dropped her off. One of the best compliments I’ve ever received. She talked about struggles with her kids, and I offered some basic advice. It was a nice drive.

26- I protect my peace with a passion. I won’t allow toxic people in my life, including family members. I’ve cut off numerous negative people from my life. Zero regrets.

27- Fuck ICE. They’re just bullies with a badge.

28- I’ve gained some weight the last 2 years. I’m heavier than I’ve ever been. I have a plan to lose weight, just like I did 9 years ago. Once I start, I won’t stop until I reach my goal. But the hard part is actually starting. I need to be properly motivated.

29- Not a fan of cold weather. It goes back to my homeless days. Back then, in the winter, I was always cold. It got in my bones. It stayed with through the years. I wear layers even in the 50s.

30- A real friend lifts you up. They don’t tear you down. They support you. They root for you. They celebrate your successes. They listen when you need to talk. They comfort you when you’re hurting. They always have your back. Surround yourself with real friends. Good human beings can be difficult to find.

31- My philosophy on how I treat people is really simple. If you’re cool with me, I’m going to be cool with you. No matter your race, sexual preferences, religion, country of origin etc.. if you’re good to me, I’ll be good to you. Simple. If you’re disrespectful, you will receive my wrath.

32- My favorite thing about driving for Lyft and Doordash is that I have no boss. I’ve always had an issue with authority. I love the freedom I have. I work when I want to. I stop when I want to. I decline orders when I want to. I know my worth. I only do Lyfts and dashes that make sense financially. I don’t do low ball offers. I’m very selective. It’s the perfect side income for me. I honestly love it. Also, I’m not stuck in a building for 10 or 12 hours.

33- I’m a very flawed man. I make mistakes. I make poor decisions occasionally. But I’m always trying to be a better person. It’s a never-ending quest to be this idea I have in my mind of what a perfect person is. Perfection is unattainable, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep trying hard to be that. I’m always working on myself. Always trying to improve who I am.

The Art Of Being Weak

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I’ve been thinking about my last post, the one about a woman I cared about like 10 years ago. The more I think about it the more I feel weak and pathetic. We haven’t spoken in 10 years and I write a long post about her. Absolutely pathetic. I’ve made a ton of strides in my life over the years, but apparently not with her.

People always eventually show you who they are. She hasn’t reached out to me in 10 years. Not a single word. I think I sent a friend request on Facebook a few years ago which she didn’t accept, of course. She has shown me exactly who she is, but I refuse to see her through that lens. That’s on me, not her. I’m angry at myself, not her. She’s not obligated to talk to me. She’s not obligated to be my friend. She’s not obligated to me in any way. But yet I still pine for her. Just pathetic.

I know in my heart she doesn’t give a fuck about me in the slightest. She’s made that extremely clear the last 10 years. I mean nothing to her. She doesn’t care about me. I don’t exist in her world. Yet I persist in this fantasy land in my mind that she was the one. That our connection was real. That our chemistry was electric. That one day we will be together. I’m so fucking stupid and delusional and weak. Unacceptable. I have to do better.

Like I said, people always show you who they are. She certainly has the last 10 years. And to be clear, I’m not angry at her. Like at all. I’m angry at myself for being pathetic. For believing in something that isn’t real. For believing in fate and destiny and all that nonsense.

This is all on me, not her. She’s the strong one and I’m the weak one. Just totally unacceptable.

I have to do better in the future. Stop being weak. Stop caring about people that don’t care about me. Stop writing about people who don’t give a fuck about me. Stop holding onto fragments of memories. Stop wishing something into existence.

I must do better. And I will.

(Also, I’ve told my daughter all about this woman. She’s the only one I talk to about her. Recently, I was taking about this woman to my daughter. She called me a “yearner.” That’s pretty dang accurate.

So, no more yearning. (Yeah, right)

This last part is an edit because I always leave stuff out.

To be clear once more, this post is an indictment of me not her. She did nothing wrong. Being weak is a me problem. Thinking I’ve moved on when a part of me hasn’t is a me problem. Believing in fairytale shit is a me problem.

What’s frustrating is that while I’m thinking about her or writing about her, she’s just out there doing married people stuff. Having sex with her husband. Having dinner with her husband. Going places with her husband. Not a single thought about me. Or I wonder how Chris feels about this. Or I wonder how Chris is doing. She’s not thinking about any of that stuff, which makes me feel small and inconsequential. A nobody.

I thought I made this huge impression on her. I was wrong. I thought there’s no way she could go 10 years without speaking to me. I was wrong. I thought my feelings were reciprocated. I was wrong. I thought she genuinely cared about me. I was wrong. I honestly thought we’d reconnect someday. I was wrong. I was wrong about everything. And I absolutely fucking hate being wrong. But I was. And that’s a me problem.

In closing, I have more work to do on myself. As I mentioned, I’ve made a lot of strides in my life, but I’m obviously not where I want to be. This is 2 posts in a row about her and it needs to stop. I have to keep moving forward. I have to face  the hard truth that she doesn’t think about me. It sucks, and I wish I could change that, but I can’t.

I have to be stronger. I have to be better. And most importantly, I have to stop being a weak ass sad sack. I’m better than that. I know this. But I need to start acting like that instead of being a doormat.

Letting go of someone I care greatly about is so fucking difficult. But I have to. I have no choice. She let go 10 years ago. It’s about fucking time I do the same.

(Also, like the first post about her, I won’t share this on social media. I’m not trying to put her on blast. And I don’t give a fuck about an audience. I wrote these for me. To understand myself. To heal. To fix shit in my head.)

Falling Short

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I’m a firm believer that true love only comes along once in your lifetime. The kind of love that changes a man. The kind of love that hits you directly in the soul. The kind of love that makes you realize you will do absolutely anything to be with this person. The kind of love that never dies. The kind of love that will haunt you the rest of your life. I felt that love for someone like 10 years ago. What I felt for her was the realest thing I’ve ever felt. She was the one. I knew it in every fiber of my being. I had to be with her. It felt destined. It felt like fate. The love I felt for her was borderline frightening. I never let people get too close to me. I’m very guarded. Very private. I reveal nothing. My mind is a locked box. But I decided to let her in because I knew I had to if I wanted to be with her. I had to be vulnerable. I had to trust that she wouldn’t hurt me, because my feelings were so strong that if she rejected my advances, I would feel a kind of pain I’ve never experienced before. Everything was on the line for me. I had one shot to be with the girl of my dreams. One highly improbable shot.

And I failed. Failed miserably. We haven’t spoken in 10 years. She turned me down. A part of me died that day. The most painful thing I’ve ever dealt with. It took years to understand the pain, to understand why she made the choice not to be with me. I eventually did understand and I’m mostly fine with it. She chose her family over me. It was the correct decision. The most sensible decision. I was never angry about it or angry at her. Like at all. I’m not petty like that. I did feel things like pain and confusion, but not anger. She’s a wonderful human being. That didn’t change just because she rejected me.

The problem I struggled with the most is that she ghosted me. It shocked me. Ive never been ghosted before. I honestly thought we would stay in touch at least periodically. But nope. She let me go and moved on. I didn’t move on for a very long time. The ghosting was way more painful than turning me down. To this day, I don’t understand why she did that. I can’t figure it out. It haunts me. But I’ve gotten stronger over years, it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. But I’m writing this post, so it still lingers to a degree.

I wonder how she is. Is she happy? I hope so. Is she still married? Probably. Does she ever think about me? Doubtful. Does she have any regret? Probably not. I’m just somebody she used to know. It is what is. But I truly hope she’s doing well. I want nothing but good things for her. She changed my life for the better. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without her. That’s 100% truth. That’s how much she impacted my life.

But in the end I failed. The biggest failure of my life. A lot of regret there. Like I didn’t say the right things or do the right things. Or I wasn’t nice enough or smart enough. If I could ask her one thing it would be what did I do wrong? I would love to hear her answer. But I’ll never know because she’s gone. And she’s going to stay gone.

And like I said, I failed. I lost. I fell short. I wasn’t good enough. And because of that my one true love is just a memory now. Someone I used to know. Someone I loved deeply. Someone I cared greatly about.

But I failed and she’s gone forever. And I have to live with that until my time here is up. It’s as simple as that.

I failed.

This last part is an edit because I didn’t think of it before I published it.

The last question she asked was why her? Like what about her made me fall in love. I didn’t have a good answer back then, I think I said because she was a great listener, which she was, but that is absolutely not the reason I fell for her. It took years to find the answer, then it hit me and I was like YES, that’s why. So what was it? She challenged me on an intellectual level. No other woman had done that before. And that’s no knock on past relationships. She was just that damn intelligent. Honestly, back then, I always thought I was the smartest person in the room. No matter the room, I was the most intelligent person in there. Until her. When I was in a room with her I literally thought I might not be the smartest person in the room. And I can’t even articulate how fucking alluring that was. It threw me sideways. First, she’s ridiculously beautiful, and she’s super bright? That’s so damn intoxicating. I was shook. I was done. Game over. She was the one.

Which leads to part 2. I struggle with dating because I compare every woman to her. And they don’t come close to her intelligence and beauty. Her wit. Her sense of humor. Her fashion sense. Her aura. Her gentle disposition. It wasn’t a fair fight, but I have very high standards because of her. I absolutely will not settle for anything less than her. Not happening. If I remain single because of this so be it. I’m perfectly fine with that. I won’t be in a relationship just to be in one. Either it’s the real deal or I’m not interested.

Have I mentioned yet that I failed terribly with her? Lol. Yes, I did. Failed that is.

A second edit because I keep leaving things out. Maybe I should have put more thought into it before publishing it. This last part will be brief.

I know because of this post it may seem that I’m still stuck on her or haven’t moved on. That’s not case. I have moved on. Like I said in a previous post it’s been the best 2 years of my life from a mental health perspective. I’m also very content. Happy is a strong word, but I’m definitely content. I enjoy my life now.

Do I still think about her occasionally? Sure. She was the most influential person in my life. Not just because I fell for her, but also because she changed the way I think, which I also mentioned in that previous post. So, of course I think about her from time to time. But it’s only good memories, nothing negative. She’s just a very special woman. But I’m not hung up on her. I’m just out here living my best life.

Also, I wrote this post solely for me. To clear my my mind. For closure. Ive been wanting to write it for a long time, but I wasn’t ready until now. I didn’t write it for her. She won’t see it. She stopped reading my blog 10 years ago. And that’s fine. No hard feelings at all. Sometimes you lose in the game of life and that’s ok. Like that old saying: it’s not about how many times you fall down, it’s about how many times you get back up. And I always get back up.

Resiliency is my super power.

Emerging From The Kingdom Of Night

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I feel amazing. Something I never thought I’d type or say. I’ve never felt this damn good. Didn’t even think it was possible. But something I’ve learned over the years is that nothing is permanent. Absolutely nothing. Major depression is not permanent. Darkness isn’t permanent. Love, of course, isn’t permanent. Nor is heartache. But I’ll save the love stuff for another post. This one is solely about my mental health journey.

I’ve been depressed most of my life. The diagnosis is Major depression. It defined me for decades. I only knew depression. I didn’t know that I could feel anything besides sadness and emptiness. All I saw was darkness most days. One symptom of depression for me has always been anger. I had a hair-trigger temper. It didn’t take much to set me off. I would literally scream at people. Tear them apart with verbal abuse. Just annihilate people who didn’t deserve it. I couldn’t control it. I didn’t know how to control it. Also, a big part of depression is lethargy. And losing interest in things you love to do. And anti-social behavior. I wouldn’t return texts or calls. I didn’t want to be bothered. I always isolated myself. I didn’t want to interact with people. I wanted to suffer in silence, which I did for a very long time. I was depression and depression was me. We were dark lovers. Depression gave me lots of advice like: you’re a fucking loser; nobody will love you, you are weak and pathetic; you’re an embarrassment to your family and friends; you will never be happy, and you will never be free from my clutches. We are one. I believed that shit for years and years until I finally I didn’t.

2 years ago, two things happened: My psychiatrist made a change to my meds. And I finally started implementing things I learned from a therapist I had years ago. The combination of those two things changed everything. As I said, I now feel amazing. The meds were pretty straightforward. The slight change he made worked wonders. After a couple of weeks, I started feeling much better. And I finally committed myself to taking my meds every day. I realized I would be on meds the rest of my life. And I’m fine with that.

The stuff I learned in therapy was also a game-changer. I don’t why I waited so long to practice what she taught me years ago. I started to think different. I kept it simple. I started analyzing how and why I felt a certain way. And what was the proper course of action. I took emotion out of the equation. I began to use the rational part of my mind. I made better decisions. I saw things more clearly. I let go of all that anger. I started to look at myself differently. I didn’t listen to what the depression was telling me. I began to see myself in a better light. That I was a good person. That I was capable of anything. That I wasn’t a loser. That I could be kind and empathetic. That success was possible. That depression couldn’t control me anymore. And, of course, that nothing is permanent.

I’m always in a good mood now. I never get depressed or even a little sad. It’s been the best 2 years of my life, as it pertains to my mental health. I feel like a completely different person. As my daughter said, I’m always chill. Very laid-back. I take things in stride. I don’t take things personally. I’m just out here living my best life.

And all I feel is grateful. To my psychiatrist, and more importantly, my former therapist. She changed the way I think, no small task. I’m indebted to her eternally.

Simply put, I feel so damn good.

Story Acceptance

On By Wisp Of SmokeIn flash fiction1 Comment

I woke up this morning to an acceptance for my crime flash fiction WASP NEST. A huge thank you to editors at CLOSE TO THE BONE for giving my story the perfect home. It will be published in October, a long wait, but I don’t mind. I’m just excited and grateful

This is my first story in a very long time. I needed a break. I feel recharged now. Hopefully, more stories will follow.

I decided to write a crime story because, to be totally honest, they’re easier to write for me. I felt I wasn’t ready to do my usual deeper and more emotional writing. Honestly, I had fun writing WASP NEST, something I thought I’d never say. Writing is never fun. It hard work. But, like I said, I had some fun with this one. Can’t wait until October!!

On Writing

On By Wisp Of SmokeIn essayLeave a comment

I thought I’d write a blog post because I’m not writing stories. This will just be some random shit in my head.

I’m starting to miss writing. That’s a good sign because I thought I was done with it. I have accomplished all my goals. I’ve been published over 130 times. I’ve been nominated for Best Small Fictions, Best of the Net, and the Pushcart Prize. The 3 most prestigious awards for short fiction and nonfiction. I’ve been published by some elite journals. I got to the point in my writing career where I felt I had nothing left to prove. Nothing left to accomplish. I peaked.

Let me jump back a few years to help explain how I got to that point. When I first started writing, I had no clue what I was doing. None. My first couple of stories were absolute garbage. Just terrible stuff. I’ve never taken a writing class, nor will I ever do so. So, I figured the best way to get better at flash fiction was to learn from others. I found a bunch of writers on Twitter and I read their stuff. All of it. The good, bad, and ugly. When I read something I really liked, I asked myself why did I like it? So I’d read the good ones over and over and over. I learned from them. About structure. Plotting. What to leave out. How to open a story. How to end it etc…But I also learned from the bad ones, too. The 2 biggest things I learned from those were don’t write boring shit and don’t use flowery prose.

I began to get better. I wrote with a chip on my shoulder. One thing about me is that I’m very competitive. It goes back to my younger, athletic days. When I played basketball, I always guarded the best player on the opposing team. I wanted to shut him down. Smother him. Take his soul. And I wanted him to guard to me. I wanted to drill a 3 in his face. I wanted to drive to the basket and score over him. Beat him outside. Beat him inside. Just dominate that mother fucker. I had that fire inside me. It applied to all sports. It also applied to writing. I knew I was competing against college graduates. MFAs. Teachers. I wanted to be better than all of them. I wanted to be the best. It took time, but I eventually got to their level, then eventually surpassed them. I felt nobody could write like me. That’s not arrogance. It’s confidence. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I’m a very confident person. I don’t think anyone is better than me. Writing, sports, intelligence, etc… I’m just confident. I know when I put my mind to something, I will prevail. Or die trying. I don’t quit until I win. I have to win, it’s in my DNA.

So, that’s where I’m at today. I don’t have a chip on my shoulder anymore. There’s nothing left to accomplish. But, as I mentioned, I’m starting to miss writing. I know I have a lot more stories in me. I just need to motivate myself. Find that passion again. Writing gave me an identity. Without it, I feel rudderless. Adrift. A nobody.

Unlike most writers on social media, I don’t like attention. Like at all. I don’t miss the accolades I received previously. I was never comfortable with it. People would constantly compliment me on my stories, and I was like um, thanks? Go away lol. I don’t write for the crowd. For applause. I write solely for myself. I just want to write great stories. That’s it. Just write a story and disappear. I hope I start writing soon. I have a story in my head. I think it’s a good one. But I can’t quite get it right in mind. But I’m close.

And when I do? I’m going to dominate some mother fuckers. It’s what I do. It’s who I am.