» WAN·DER·LIGHT: Hi! If you love to read, and think too much, we'll get along. I don't post as much as I used to, but I would love to meet you. Comment to say hi! ♥

Odd question, but would anyone be interested in reworking the end-of-year meme (ex.) with me, to make it more depression-/disability-friendly? Or even just more ... flexible?

I like having a neat, time-capsuled summary of each year, but I had a lot of trouble with it this time. Couldn't get through it without a breakdown. The problem is with the questions, I think, not with self-reflection in general: certain questions are unproductive or even triggery ("What was your biggest failure?"; "Compared to last year, are you thinner or fatter?"), and just generally unnecessary. If anyone's interested, I'd love to do this collaboratively, and hear what you all have to think.

Discussion ideas! Um. Which questions to leave out? Which (entirely new) questions to add? How to reword certain others, to make them flexible and to take into account that what "achievement" is can really vary, depending on a person's circumstances. I'd love to see more of a focus on personal progress (ignoring typical external markers of it), self-care, friendship, etc. As someone who struggles with both depression and disability, I know it's essential for my mental health that I mark success in a way that works for me. I am not able to travel, or work, for instance. A monumental achievement might be something like reaching out to a friend, or keeping up my physical therapy for three months even though it hurts like hell. I'm seeking to frame the meme in a way that invites people to say things like that, and be damned proud of it. (A really good example of this sort of thing is synecdochic's weekly pride thread, which I think is genius.)

So, under the cut: an unanswered version of the meme. My thoughts are noted at the end. I know that all seems like a lot, but honestly, I'd love for anyone to make just one or two suggestions. ;) ( end of year memeCollapse )

PS. To everyone who send me messages after my last post, I want to say, thank you. You are awesome. I am having trouble responding to all of them, but please know that I've read them all, several times, and appreciate them so much. ♥

Life right now is -- um -- really hard. ( Read more...Collapse ) I'm doing okay. I've realised this year that I'm doing both a lot better and a lot worse than I thought I was. Better, in that I have a couple of coping skills now, as opposed to the zero I had before. I react to new health issues by doing fucktons of research and then coming up with ACTION PLANS for getting better. I make sure to keep going through the motions -- you know, going to class*, making plans, seeing friends, getting out, doing things I usually enjoy -- because I find it helps if you maintain momentum. Go through the motions, keep pretending, until things become meaningful and real again; I feel like I am misquoting from East of Eden here, but I can't remember where in the book it is. Worse, in that -- well, I've realised that depression involves more than absolute, 24/7 existential despair (which I how I've always -- hilariously -- experienced it before). I assumed that once I kicked that feeling I was clear; not so much. Depression actually leaves hundreds of little fractures in your personality that, together, will fuck you up unless you determinedly go about dealing with them, and then dealing with them again when they relapse, which they will. I have promised myself that I will work on this.

* I'm auditing one course this fall! We'll see how it goes health-wise. I'm excited, because it's about doing literary readings of things/objects (semiotics!), and because -- happy coincidence -- one of my best friends is also taking it.

Okay, that's enough about my life for now. Have a bunch of music.

FEIST: metals If I were Leslie Feist, I would be scared shitless right now. (The pressure! The public scrutiny!) I haven't listened to it yet, so I can't say much, but I hope I like it. I hope it ends up being this year's perfect autumn album, because I need one; any suggestions?

( more music uploads: deb oh, jamie woon, james blake, late night alumni, rose elinor dougallCollapse )

If I don't write this post in one go, I'll never write it -- which is what I've been (not)doing for the past three months -- so I'm just going to do it, sloppily, imperfectly, never mind that I wanted to say something meaningful about illness and loss and what it means to have the part of you that writes just shut down.

( I've had a pretty rough time since January.Collapse )

In terms of Livejournal: I am sorry I haven't been here! I will try better to be here! The truth is, I'm not sure what to do with it. I've gotten out of the habit of journaling, for various reasons. Journalling has always been a sense-making activity, for me, a way to exert mastery through self-representation, but it's impossible to give narrative shape to the recurring events of illness and pain. Unless we're talking post-apocalyptic fiction -- I'm only half kidding -- anyway; I'm just beginning to journal again, privately. I don't know if I can handle it publicly yet. I rarely discuss what's happening to me with friends or family in any meaningful depth anymore. I don't know if that's a good thing, a bad thing, or just a thing, but it's the only way I can manage it right now. Of course, I can still post fic, write about TV, books, share music, comment -- which reminds me of apologies I need to make for abandonment, not commenting, missing birthdays, and not replying to emails; I will try my best to get to all of that, in time <3 -- but I don't know, it's more about the interaction than the content; what do you want to read?

What I really want to say, though, and ask, is, how can I keep in touch with all of you? Where are you at? I mean, this journal has always been more about the people, less about the personal chronicle, and even if I can't write about my life anymore I don't want to lose that -- you. I know some of you have moved to other places, but some of you have disappeared, so I'd love it if you'd let me know where I can find you -- here at livejournal, or dreamwidth; twitter, tumblr, email, Facebook (won't link this outright; ask me), GTalk (which I have a notoriously bad relationship with), hell, even text message (but only if you are a resident of Canada. My phone plan sucks.). So, uh, yeah. It's not necessary to comment on the rest of the paragraphs, but I'd like you to answer that question. :)

I apologise for my continual disappearing acts. ♥ I'll try to atone in about two weeks, after classes end. If I can survive them. Music, as always, has been my chillout drug of choice, and I promise a post about everything I've been drowning in sonically; Radiohead (good job being ten years late on that one), The Weeknd, Wye Oak, James Blake, Kanye West (I KNOW), Jamie Woon (where did you get that last name from, dude), Late Night Alumni, Lykke Li -- in the meantime, take this EP by an obscure Canadian band.

ACCOST: accost ep This album encapsulates everything I love about music, asd;jal;sdfjls. I can't place it exactly in terms of genre, but I really think the sound is universally appealing. I'd call it, maybe, an effortless fusion between melodic indie rock and laid-back electronic beats, with clear, soaring vocals (female, if that matters to you) and evocative lyrics. Its soundscapes feel smooth, chilly, and bright, like a drive through the city on a spring evening.

A random string of thoughts -- I finally declared my major, after two and a half years of putting it off and/or outright forgetting, every time I was in the building with all the official forms; pretty anticlimactic, in the end. I am absurdly excited for S6 of Doctor Who. And for HBO's A Game of Thrones adaptation, because Lena Headey kicking ass is never not a good thing. I am not allowing myself to watch the season finale of White Collar until I finish all of my essays. I have to write ... four essays by next Friday, and then five more before May -- which I am trying not to think about -- which doesn't work because avoidance is definitely not the answer here. ( Read more...Collapse ) There's probably no need for a rant about procrastination, because it's nothing we haven't all said to ourselves at 3am ...

(1) ( thoughts on fringe, up to 3.12Collapse )

(2) I have stuff to say about other shows too, but I should be writing essays right now. If you want me to babble at you about White Collar, Community, Modern Family, Nikita, Being Human, or the Caprica finale, say so!

(3) And because I make music posts instead of dealing with real life --

( music uploads: FIVE ALBUMS I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO LATELYCollapse )

As always, let me know if you snag anything, and tell me what you think. ♥ I have another couple of albums I want to upload, stuff that I was listening to in the fall, but I don't want to overwhelm you. (cherise, I know your M.O., you'd better not try to download all of these. :P)

(4) The world needs more happy things like the Inception Anon Love Meme.

(1) So I FINALLY watched The Social Network, and -- so that was essentially a film about the worst break-up ever, hey? I'm already raiding Delicious, and I might have some Thoughts on it later, but in the meantime I would love fic recs. In particular, if you've written something, point me towards it! :)

(2) The best thing to come out of Yuletide this year: jibrailis wrote fic based on the canon of Janelle Monae's Metropolis: The Chase Suite. The story, Suite 0, is essential reading for anyone who's familiar with her music; it's a thing of beauty and unforgettable cadence, cerebral and emotional and sexy and daring. I still can't get it out of my head. Go read it. ♥

(3) The second half of my Fringe reaction post. I have a lot of feelings about this show, it seems. ( Fringe Reaction Post: Part Two!Collapse )

Fringe fic/vid recs, anyone? I'm not really looking for Peter/Olivia, unless it's vids, because (for once!) I'm actually happy with how the show's handling its main pairing. Rarepairs, gen, or backstory would be lovely.

(1) ( Year in fandom meme!Collapse )

(2) I finally caught up, and -- spoilers -- ( HOLY SHIT, FRINGE! Reaction Post: Part One.Collapse )

I am sorry that my reaction post is so very overdue, nekare! :D It got long, so I'll stop here, and do the other half of what I wanted to talk about later. Meanwhile, here is a tiny, non-spoilery summary of my headspace for cherise and everyone who's still in S1 or S2: ( I love everything about this show.Collapse )

title: No discipline of forgetting
characters: Arthur/Eames
rating: NC-17
words: ~13,000
summary: Arthur forgets; Eames waits.

notes: This is the very first Inception story I started, way back in August. I think I am probably the slowest writer in fandom. Thanks to chibi_lurrel, deepsix (extra thanks for this meta; I couldn't quite make the characterisations work till I read it!), and jibrailis for the beta work -- you are all wonderful. ♥ Oh, and apologies to Freud and Lacan. I know it's bad academic practice to misinterpret quotations and appropriate them for gay porn. Sorry, dudes.

( In Limbo, it's easy to forget.Collapse )