[

mood

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uncomfortable

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I can no longer be friends with Jathan.

I thought he was cool. I thought he was kidding when he complimented me or said things like this:

aythanja ownzay (8:14:49 PM): I mean, would you cheat on connor with me, if it meant constant praise and attention?

But then I started to think that maybe he was serious..

[

mood

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melancholy

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Tomorrow is Tyler and my [would be] 2 year anniversary.

And honestly, I wasn't going to be bothered.
I wasn't even thinking about it- I was more counting down the days till Connor and my 7 month anniversary.

But now that I know it's bothering him, I feel a little upset.

Part of me doesn't want to forgive him for the things that happened- he told me no one would love me unconditionally. He made me feel guilty for being sad. He threatened to hurt my rabbit. And I only remember being told I was pretty or beautiful twice.

But even though I'm not in love with him anymore, I still care about him. I don't want him to feel bad.

But I can't reach out to him. Because honestly, I'm still hurt. I can't look at him and think nice things. And I feel guilty for that...
But...

:[
Even though he was a big part of my life for a while, we can't undo things.


I just don't want him to be upset.

[

mood

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regretful

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Soooo.
Someone stole my iPod today.
[Which is totally lame, because I never have my bag more than 10 feet away from me.]

But I flipped out.
Music is my life.
It's my alarm clock when I wake up.
I listen to it on the way to school.
I listen to my iPod afterschool.
I listen to it while doing homework.
And I listen to music before I go to bed.

I was on the phone with Connor when I realized it was gone, and I started crying.
And I remember apologizing to him over and over again, like I always do when I'm sad.

Which leads me to:
CONFESSION.  I secretly feel guilty when I tell Connor I'm sad.
And I know why.
In my last relationship, I remember feeling sad.
And it got to the point where instead of, "What's wrong, Cara?"
My boyfriend, "God. What is it this time?"
It made me feel like shit.

I get upset easily. I can't help it.
But what he did just made me feel awful.

I've told Connor that I feel guilty, and I've told Connor about him.
And he keeps reminding me, "But I'm not him."

But I can't help it.
What happened really screwed me up.

I'm scared of telling Connor what's wrong, because I'm scared I will be rejected, or just put aside...
like I used to be.

And I'm not mad at him..
I just.
I wish he understood that because of how he handled me..
I can't let some things go.

[

mood

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stressed

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Connor's not doing his work at school, so his mom called me three times last week explaining that she didn't want him on the phone during the week, and he knows he's not allowed to be.

Yesterday, I was on the phone with him and he asked for me to call him while he's at his mom's house...and I said no, because I didn't wanna just seem like I was disregaurding everything his mom said.I think he's upset with me. But I have no idea, because he can't use phone or internet until Wednesday when he's at his dad's.

So I've been stressing since last night trying to figure out if he's mad, upset, sad,etc at me...

And I just can't take everyone's problems. I don't mind hearing why one person's upset because I really care. But then my other friends are piling their problems on me and there's nothing I can do to help.
So I'm so fucking overwhelmed right now I don't know what to do.
I just don't know what to do...I just want to cry because once I do that, I'm done with all my bad emotions, but it's gotten so bad that I can't even do that...so I feel trapped.

I feel helpless. Because all I can do is pass out cookies to my sad friends and say "I'm sorry" and that really gets to me.
And what bugs me the most is that I feel like no one fucking cares...Whenever I'm upset about something and I tell my story to my friends, it's like "Oh. I'm sorry. But atleast blahblahblah didn't happen to you" and they talk about their problems...

I just wish that I felt like people were as good a friend to me as I am to them..

I'd really like to just lean on someone's shoulder and just let all this shitty stuff out..but the only person I trust with that is Connor...and he's the only person I can't get to..