MARRY ME, BILL!

[

mood

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calculus

]

PAQUIN!

You do broadway, Paquin? Well, strap me to a plane and call me goose. Sorry about your shovel-chinned co-star, though. That's really rather unfortunate. Just like X:3 totally neutering you for a chilly, adulterous man-whore.

Yeah, I'd see that.

http://people.aol.com/people/gallery/0,26335,1547173_7,00.html

[

mood

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SHIT! SHITSHIT!

]

I am completely devastated.

On the eve of the first stage of the Tour, dozens of riders have been kicked out for conclusive links to some Spanish doping ring. The riders who've been kicked out just HAPPEN to include Jan Ullrich, Ivan Basso, and Alexandre Vinokourov.

A European hasn't won the Tour de France since last century. Forget that--since the last MILLENNIUM, thanks to Lance Armstrong. And while I, as an American, am proud of Discovery and Postal's achievements, I also recognize that it's time for the American beast to rest and let the rest of the little mice catch up. How would Ullrich, former winner and constant second to Lance, place in the 2006 Tour? Would Basso rise from 2nd place into 1st? It was long overdue for the world to find out.

Now we'll never know. Could they have made it?

These names might not mean much to most people, but they are giants in the world of cycling. How could they be so stupid? How could they dope after seeing what happened to Lance? How could they dope, KNOWING that they'd be competing in EUROPE, where DOPERS GO TO HELL? How could they do this to us? I've loved Ullrich since I've known of his existence, and Basso won my heart as the young guy in the 2005 Tour. ...Are they fakes? Have they been outsmarting us all this time? Have they betrayed our trust? Maybe.

What's sick is that I find their actions oddly forgivable. I want to see them compete, I want them to become heroes again in my eyes, I want to know the answer to the biggest question in cycling: WHO WILL REPLACE LANCE? The answer to that question has changed within the last 24 hours. Sadly. Give me back the past. Tell me you were just kidding. Let these allegations prove to be false. Let them be forgiven. JAN! Tell me it ain't true! --I'm so afraid that this is his last realistically competitive year in the Tour. The next three weeks are uniquely epic. They will never be repeated. I will never know how things would have turned out.

...But they just had to dope. Even without Captain Constant Armstrong, they still had to dope.

I'm half-glad that this COMPLETELY LEVELS OUT ALL OF THE THREATENING AND TRULY WORTHY COMPETITION IN THE PLAYING FIELD because it gives Landis and Hincapie and other Americans a chance to keep up Lance's tradition. But it's bittersweet.

Damn, I wish I had OLN.

http://msn.foxsports.com/cycling/story/5746932

[

mood

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amused

]

I never want to forget this. I'm going to show it to my grandkids.

These kids GOT IT GOIN' ON.



> These are the real deal originating from actual school essays.
> The analogies and
> metaphors are wince inducing. Beware but enjoy.

>
> 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had
> its two sides
> gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
>
> 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and
> breaking alliances like
> underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
>
> 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
> experience, like a guy
> who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
> without one of those
> boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
> country speaking at
> high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
> eclipse without one
> of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
>
> 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of Ecoli and
> he was
> room-temperature Canadian Ham.
>
> 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that
> sound a dog makes
> just before it throws up.
>
> 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
>
> 7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
>
> 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
> disintegrated because
> of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
> surcharge at a
> formerly surcharge-free ATM.
>
> 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond
> exactly the way a
> bowling ball wouldn't.
>
> 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like
> a Hefty bag filled
> with vegetable soup.
>
> 11 From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole
> scene had an eerie,
> surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in
> another city and Jeopardy
> comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
>
> 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair
> after a sneeze.
>
> 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like
> maggots when you
> fry them in hot grease.
>
> 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed
> lovers raced across the
> grassy field toward each other like two freight
> trains, one having left
> Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other
> from Topeka at 4:19
> p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
>
> 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with
> picket fences that
> resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
>
> 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two
> hummingbirds who had
> also never met.
>
> 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant
> and she was the
> East River.
>
> 18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like
> a steel trap, only
> one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
> shut.
>
> 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
>
> 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.
> But unlike Phil,
> this plan just might work.
>
> 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you
> get from not eating
> for a while.
>
> 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical
> lame duck, either, but
> a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from
> stepping on a land mine or
> something.
>
> 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and
> extended one slender leg
> behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
>
> 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing
> kids around with
> power tools.
>
> 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought
> he heard bells, as
> if she were a garbage truck backing up.
>
> 26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had
> forgotten to put in any
> pH cleanser.
>
> 27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98
> missing legs.
>
> 28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you
> accidentally staple it to
> the wall.



>
> 7th Grade LA/SS at Kennedy

John's Ode to Medium...

died

crack

crack

Alias is On the way...(...on...WINGS of angels, I know it's true...hmmhmmhmmhmmhmmm...)

Here comes AP, here comes AP, la-la-la

[

mood

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a lizard poked out my eye

]

1. PICK ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? A huge one on my chin from my first major bike accident. I'm a real biker now XD

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? Old pictures that I painted when I was a kid. A Shrek calendar that's two years old.

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? Mostly rock.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? In the morning, I think.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? To pee.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS AT TIMES? People I used to hang out with.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION? My bike. Mmm.

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL? Vanilla coffee.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? Yeah, especially when I have to sit crammed up against people.

11. IF YOU DIED TOMORROW? I'd be upset that I did that last 90 pages of History outlining for nothing.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? Paco.

13. What is your favorite cologne/perfume? I don't wear it. The only stuff I own is Curves.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Short, moderately thick.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT? In the future.

16.DO YOU LIKE PORN? No. But secretly yes.

17. WHAT ARE YOUR FIVE FAVORITE MOVIES? Conspiracy Theory, Eternal Sunshine, The Forgotten, True Lies, Pretty Woman.

18. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF GOING FOR YOUR HONEYMOON? Bedroom.

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD? Probably Dona. But she's always mad. She'd get mad if I wore red socks to school without her permission.

20. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE? A small amount of Spanish.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX)? You expect me to remember?

22. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE SINGER(s)? Tori Amos.

23. FAVORITE BAND(s)? Don't have one.

24. WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU LIKE TO READ? Sports or nutrition books. Or medical books, or books on diabetes. Or well-written narrative stuff.

25. FAVORITE DESSERT: Tres Leches.

26. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE? I don't drink coffee.

27. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PHRASE? "For serious."

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? Probably. I've been known to make stupid decisions like that. Anyway, according to Menasche, you never love somebody until you recognize that they will leave eventually.

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? Wait until they tell you first.

30. Say any number from one to one hundred. Your mom.

31. BLONDES, REDHEADS OR BRUNETTES? Oh, please. I don't care.

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN? I don't call.

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? Dumb democrats. And I don't mean democrats in general, just the ones that are dumb.

34. HAVE YOU EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? I've got better things to do with my time. Like answer online surveys.

35. WHO IS YOUR CURRENT CRUSH? Psh. Like I'm posting that here?

36: WHAT IS YOUR WORST FEAR? Death/Pain.

37: SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEONE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN/TALKED TO IN AWHILE: Mike, you have enough money. Just GET IT already.

38: HAVE YOU EVER SAID "I LOVE YOU" AND NOT MEANT IT? Yes.

39: WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS SURVEY? Showering.

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mood

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crappy

]

1. What is your middle name? Nicole

2. What color underwear are you wearing now? Blue

3. What are you listening to right now? House, M.D.

4. what are the last 2 digits in your phone number? 72

5. What was the last thing you ate? Strawberries

6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? macaroni

7. How is the weather right now? humid, post-rain.

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? I don't remember.

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Eye contact.

10. Favorite type of Food? Cuban or Italian.

11. Do you drink? Water. Alcohol is...bullshit.

12. Do you smoke? No.

13. Ever get so drunk you dont remember what you did? No.

14. Hair color : Dirty blonde.

15. Eye color: Green.

16. Do you wear contacts? Yes.

17. Single? Yes.

18. Favorite Month? October/November

20. Last Movie you Watched? John Q.

21. Favorite Day of the Year? Christmas.

22. Are you too shy to ask someone out? I don't really care to ask anybody out.

24. Hugs or Kisses? From family, sure.

25. chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate.

26.Do you want your friends to respond? No, I want them to fuck off. ...Just kidding XD

27. Who is most likely to respond? I really, really have no clue.

28. Who is least likely to respond? ( ;P) Paco.

29. What books are you reading? It's Not About the Bike.

30. Piercings? Nope. I wish I had one in my right ear.

31. Fav movie? Conspiracy Theory.

32. Fav. baseball Team? Don't care for baseball.

34. Any pets? Not literally.

35. AIM? Indeed.

36. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn? Plain.

37. Dogs or Cats? Cats are useless, but cute. Dogs are fun, but noisy. So I'll just save my money.

38. Favorite Flower? Rose.

44. Have you ever fired a gun? A fake one, sure.

45. Do you like to travel by plane? Not particularly.

46. Right-handed or Left-handed? Right..

48. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3. I'm trying to give up the third. Just because I wake up angry all the time.

49. Are you missing someone? It goes between missing them and wanting to kick them in the ass.

50. Who do you think is gorgeous? Lots of folks.

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amused

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Scoop! Lance Armstrong Comes Out of Retirement!

Friends, Family, Sheryl Crow Heave Collective Sigh of Relief



Austin, TX, August 24 (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Less than four weeks after winning what was presumably the final race of his career, Lance Armstrong today announced in a hastily-called media conference that he is coming out of retirement.

Said the rumpled, unshaven seven-time Tour de France champion, "Uh, I guess I'll be racing the Tour de France next year." Then, after pausing for a few seconds while exchanging glances with Sheryl Crow, Armstrong continued, "I'll also be racing the Giro d'Italia." Another five silent seconds elapsed, after which Armstrong finished, "And the Vuelta Espana."

Armstrong concluded the media conference abruptly by saying, "No questions. I have to go ride my bike now."



Crow Gives the Go-Ahead

Rock star Sheryl Crow, who has been dating Armstrong for more than a year now, explained Armstrong's decision. "He's racing again because I was going to completely lose my mind if he didn't get out of the house and do something. I swear, if he isn't at Home Depot buying new power tools or downstairs playing Halo — I haven't yet told him Halo 2 has come out — he's catching up on seven years' worth of television. Yesterday, he watched the entire second season of 24. You know how long that took? All day and night."

Crow took a deep breath and continued, "Back when he was preparing for the Tour, Lance and I used to talk about how great it would be when he was retired and he'd have time to do nothing but relax. I had no idea he meant that so literally."

At this moment, Crow stopped and took three deep breaths before continuing, "So, yeah, he's going to start racing again."



Neighbors Enthused for Armstrong Comeback

Armstrong's next-door neighbor, James Scott, reports being pleased with Armstrong's decision to re-enter the peloton. "A few weeks ago I was washing my car and Lance comes over, wearing pajama bottoms and an 'I won the Tour de France 7 times and all I got was this lousy t-shirt' shirt."

"We start talking about the Tour," said Scott, "and he's helping me wash my car. Nice guy, really. And then I realize he's rubbing down my car with one of his yellow jerseys. I told him he should be protecting them for posterity and he says, 'Oh, I've got a million of 'em. You want it?' And of course I said 'yes.' I mean, who wouldn't want one of Armstrong's jerseys?"

"That was nine jerseys ago," continued Scott. "Now anytime I go outside to water the lawn, trim the hedge, whatever, he's out there with an excuse to talk about glory days and try to unload one of those jerseys. I've started avoiding him, if you want the truth."



Armstrong Reacts

"I'm ready to get back into the routine," said the record-holding Tour winner when reached for comment. "At first, it's fun to be a full-time dad, but after a couple days you find yourself trying to remember which of the twins always wants to wear purple and which wants to wear pink, and how you're going to get Luke back home from soccer practice when it's the girls' naptime, and there are still dishes in the sink from two days ago."

"And have you ever been forced to watch "Dora the Explorer?" asked Armstrong, his face growing animated. "Now, there's a time trial for you. And they want to watch the same episode like three times per day. I swear, if I hear that 'I'm the Map' song one more time...."

"There've been times when I'm making three different kinds of soup for lunch," continued Armstrong. Grace likes Chicken and Stars (with the chicken bits taken out), Isabelle wants Cream of Chicken, and Luke wants Cream of Tomato, unless he changes his mind after I've made it and decides he wants Spaghettio's. That's when I think, 'OK, who's the domestique now?' So no, I'm not too upset about having to get back on the bike."

Asked about his plan to race all three grand tours in 2006, Armstrong said, "Can I win all three? I have no idea. That's not even the point. I'm just doing what I'm told."

And when will Armstrong retire permanently? "I dunno," says Armstrong. "When will the twins be in school full time?"

[

mood

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i need to pee

]

So I got my bike last last Friday, and I've got 170 miles on it so far XD It is sharp as hell, man.

I love it.

It dominates my brain.

It was difficult getting used to it since it's so high off the ground. Dude, trying to mount that thing is like teetering off the edge of the universe. But after I got used to that, my dad and I had a few "bike skill" practice sessions. I rode on my old mountain bike first for practice...stuff like riding/pedalling while off the seat, riding with no hands, looking back while riding in a straight line. I love pedalling off the seat :D Then, we practiced with Andante, then back to Ironman for practice with cleats. Maybe my bike name should be...cleatoris.

Just kidding.

John calls me The Wasp.

So by last Saturday, I rode like 24 miles with cleats for the first time :D

Then, my dad raised my seat to 2.5, we got up early and rode to Homestead Bayfront Park, which is 42.something miles round trip. Dad and I chatted with a bunch of old bikers, who were funny. They were all riding old steel bikes. They swear by them. It's pretty cool.

There are a lot of hot bikers, man XD I felt like congratulating this one guy like, "Dude, not only are you nice and too old for me, but you are WAY cute."

Bikers are such happy people XD But there was this team going like 5 mph faster than we were, and they were scary. I heard, "LEFT!" and...shywem, they passed by. Like 2 inches away from me. I'm just like, "Yeah, I'll catch you next time, punk."

But on Saturday, I got my first Jersey. It's green and orange-yellow. It says KELLY and MICHELIN and POWERBAR all over it. It is pimpin'. I'm going to post pictures sometime.

I love't. I love't all.

So Sunday night, I sent shertain shomething out to a shertain shomeone. Now, I'm not going to give out any names, but her initials are Paco Grambolio. I'm hoping she enjoys them. And gets a laugh or two. I know they cracked me up XD

First day of school yesterday. I'm in a biking deficit.

Anyway, it was all so shocking, I cried XD No, but really--my schedule was alright. I have Miz.G again, but she's freaking me out this year. A quiz on Thursday. She usually gives us two class periods between learning and testing, but...yes, I shall be studying tomorrow. Domain stuff. I hate domain stuff.

I've got two McK classes :D He's sick, so he wasn't at school. I hope his heart's okay. I'd spiral off into an abyss of horribleness if he died. He should be there tomorrow.

The History teacher is Czech, according to Carmeng. So...he's white, but he acts ghetto. He just came from Homestead high, so...I can cut him slack XD Don't care much for his teaching style. Half the time, I'm not too sure whether I'm going to have 23 or 0 hours of homework to do.

Babooshka, babooshka, babooska ya ya.

He reminds me of Anthony Michael Hall/that blond guy from Talented Mr.Ripley who got brained....minus the Anthony Michael Hall part.

Then, there's MissyVgL, who's...really emotionally random XD I like her, though. I'll just behave a lot. Sat next to Warner, who's actually pretty rad. He remembers a lot more from Shack's class than I do XD Whoops.

Men is the English teacher. He used to be a professional kickboxer. We played this game where everybody had to say their name and an interesting fact about themselves, and then the name and interesting fact of the two people before them. I hate that stuff, so I was nervous as hell. But I stood up and said my shindig and he was cool about it and we chatted about pedestrians for two seconds or something. Hey hey! He's cool, as long as you're not his target. Just like with Tatol XD Speaking of which, his class is in Tatol's old room. Ahoy!

So half the time I'm happy, and half the time I feel like everybody hates me, so I talk to Dona.

I've got so much damn homework.

I'm going to go bike on the stationary--cos I don't care what Mike says--biking on the busway before 9 o'clock is NOT cool XD

I've got two buttons from my glove tan.

Ash identifies Lance with a guy who viciously left his wife after he'd sucked all the life out of her first. That irked me a bit, cos that's just...not how it was. Believe me, I've read the books XD I was shocked to hear something so negative about the guy, especially something so...minimal and misinterpreted. We never agree on anything, though. It's all good. I just hope I made my point clearly, though it probably wouldn't change her mind anyway. Shame.

Politics! I hate politics. Makes me feel like an outsider. Makes me feel like a knob. But, I'm in art class, so there's always politics. Fuck politics!

Fuck history! XD

Club day is on Thursday. I tried to help out by drawing some stuff on the poster, but it seems like I've still been selectively pushed out of the "loop of PSC knowledge."

Whatever, man. All this stuff does is make me angry. I'm angry right now! Rrr. Anyway, I'll join if I see enough conservatives joining. Cos otherwise, it's just a liberal rally. And I'd rather spend time with my family than listen to a universe of anti-Alina opinions.

I really don't like history.

I really hope tomorrow is good, for me and for everybody.

[

mood

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energetic

]

So I'm learning Spanish in my room today when my dad comes in and says, "I'm going to see Mauricio."

And I'm like: "Holy shit, yes."

So we hop on over to Mauricio's location. Now, here's some background on this guy: He's pretty young, maybe in his 30's. Looks like a Hispanic Jude Law. He's Columbian. Fit as a fiddle, lousy businessman, but a really nice guy. He's supposedly responsible for following a killer bike workout routine. And, incidentally, he owns a custom bike shop and has known my dad for like 10 years.

Where is this going? Well, my dad and I have been searching high and low--went to like 5 bike shops, contacted old triathletes, even looked on eBay--ALL in an effort to find the best deal on a decent 52cm road bike. Dad knows that Mauricio is a brilliant mechanic. We tried to get in contact with him once or twice, and he never picked up the phone or returned our calls. Like I said, lousy businessman. But! We finally caught him today and he said he'd be happy to show us a frame and maybe even build me a custom bike for $500.

A little background: Good bikes cost anywhere from $1500 - $2500. To drop a few grams, you get into the...$6,000 range XD But anyway, my dad and I had been considering buying one of the following bikes: an entry level Trek, or a small Giant, both $519 on sale and $560-something regularly. Both were a bit wussy and both had bottom-of-the-line components.

Now, check this action out:

Mauricio is a GENIUS.

He makes his own bikes, called Andante--which is like "let's go, bitch!" in English. We showed up and he showed us two of his BRAND NEW frames--one yellow, one blue. Pimp-ass-mofos were they. I chose the yellow for several reasons, but anyway...this guy starts telling my dad and I about all the stuff he's going to put on it, all the color choices I had, blah blah... Turns out, he's putting all Tiagra (sp?) components on this bike. Tiagra is better than the bottom-of-the-line stuff I would have gotten buying a Trek bike for the same price. He's also giving me 32in BLUE wheels, that are pretty lightweight. Not as good as my dad's, but hey. It's more than enough for me. It's a black-tape, 6-speed, riding dream machine.

AND it's ANDANTE!

Motherfucker.

I love it. He even threw in FREE pedals. They're used pedals, but very high-quality pedals--which is all I care about. Now you see why this guy's not too good with business XD But he's honest.

He said he's have the bike built by Friday. We'll see...he seems busy. He runs the shop all on his own, but...

Man, however long it takes XD I'm happy.

He even pointed out that my bike should be a 6-speed like my dad's so that we could switch wheels if necessary. Dad was like, "Hell yes, I never thought of that!" and I was like, "You pimp ho, I love you!"

So...here's what we've accomplished today.

Currently, I have a 1980-something old Raleigh...hybrid. Old, old, old. It's like 32 pounds. It's got gears that are difficult to deal with.

Before, we were most likely going to end up buying a Trek for $519. A beginner's bike. I mean, it was so beginnery, my dad was like, "That's not even a real bike." An ugly bike, too. It had this weird black pattern that wasn't too hot. A new bike, full of BS. I mean, $519 for a heavy frame and cheap components? C'mon. But for a while there, it looked like it was going to be mine.

Now, we are getting an Andante. Mauricio is the only one who makes them--it's HIS bike! You know how cool that is? Anybody can buy a Trek or a Specialized. Bullshit. You have to live in Miami to get an Andante XD This Andante, by the way, has better components and better wheels. In colors that I can pick. It's going to look SWEET. Also with free pedals, just "thrown in." ALL for LESS than that other whatsit we were going to buy. And it's only 18 pounds. My God.

I seriously cannot wait till Friday.