thinking thoughts

Been thinking a lot about the accident, then about other accidents I have been in and/or a part of. And I wonder why my life didn't flash before my eyes... supposedly it happens a lot. My father has experienced it.

Read this at some website:

Although it can never be proven, people who have survived near death experiences claim the term life flash before my eyes is true. Car crash survivors claim this extraordinary phenomenon happens in the moments during the crash. Time slows down and the person’s entire life is replayed in flash images through their mind.
The images are seen as very quick pictures, and the experience can be recalled after the incident. Thousands of people around the world have reportedly had the life flash before my eyes experience. The life flash before my eyes experience can happen to anyone at any age. Medical experts think it may be the brain’s reaction as a way of coping with trauma.
Once the accident has happened, or is avoided, the images stop and the slow motion feeling that is experienced returns to normal. Some experts say that during trauma, the brain is deprived of oxygen, which causes this strange occurrence to happen. The last thing we think of is our most precious memories of loved ones as a way to lessen the trauma.
Another strange occurrence that is attached to the life flash before my eyes phenomenon is that no sound can be heard. Everything is said to go completely silent. It is likened to sitting in a very dark cinema with only pictures flashing on the screen. Again, this is said to be the brain's coping mechanism, kicking in to counteract the trauma that is occurring.


So, what, it wasn't traumatic enough?
But perhaps not all minds work in this fashion.
All I know for sure is that my life has changed - again - because of this occurrence.
Not just my hand. Not just losing my truck. But all things are shifting again.

It is no joke that if I had not put on my seat-belt about a hundred-n-fifty feet before the black ice... well, I wouldn't be here. My head would have crashed either really hard into the steering wheel or I would have gone through the instantly-shattered windshield.

I get edgy in cars now. I didn't after my first bad accident all those years ago. Even thinking on that one (which once again proceeded a major life shift), no thoughts of my life as I careened toward a guard-rail and another car. I distinctly remember my left arm braced against my door, resulting in a version of a rug-burn on my forearm. I remember being afraid that I had hurt the other person. I remember calling my then-girlfriend and when she showed up... it was one of the only times I saw her cry.

This time, my brother from another mother was there. And we were both so calm. But several days later, after surgery and high on vicodin, all my thoughts came into sharp focus. And I realized that if I had died... Tonya would have never known. And that I wasn't moving on from that relationship because she still had my heart. And I could not do it anymore.

I wrote my letter.
I pondered my trauma-easy-accident mind.
And here I am, feeling stuck and staring to feel stress for no real reason... Or maybe there are too many reasons, too many to name...

Gah, I want an automobile. I need to get things going. Now.

Why is patience a virtue?