it’s like i’m floating away

i want to float away

an aimless balloon in the sky

floating

i can’t breathe, i’m drowning, i should be drowning, i could drown,

i want to drown

(i do not want to die)

i’m helpless i’m lost i’m numb

i can count the stars, but i can’t find you

i keep waiting and waiting and waiting

but i still can’t figure out

just where you are

where are you?

(you are not here)

if i could just get under the water

perhaps

i’d find you floating there

in the sky with me




i dream about him a lot. i'd say nightly but i don't always remember my dreams so i cannot be positive that is truth, but it feels like it is. they are good dreams, excessively normal dreams. nothing mythological, symbolic, or archetypal. just him, there, with me, where he should be, but only there. i also had a dream where his mother was there (she died about two months before him; she was under their sister's care with alzheimer's) and we were discussing him, his little idiosyncrasies. she was telling me about him as a little boy. another one we were at some sort of stadium. i don't know where or why, but the guy next to me was having a meltdown.

mostly he is 'my' david, but sometimes he is rockstar david: long hair, dark curls and that sweet, innocent, sexy, gorgeous face with the distant gaze. i just wish i remembered them more. they seem to fade too quickly.

i feel expectant, empty, like i've forgot something, and like i'm waiting on something. i also feel like he's just slipping away from me. and if i don't pay close enough attention he'll be gone.

where are you david?

fervent
Gen | 500
Summary: Some days you just want to relax with a cat. But some cats have claws.
Notes: For megyal and Scratches.


( A rustle of leaves and the shudder of impatient steps announced Hashirama’s arrival.Collapse )

your mind (Is Not Your Own)
Adult | 2358
Summary: Sometimes, Kakashi doesn’t want to be alone.
Prompt: #30 by lazybumperv: 'Everyone thought that the cold killer he had been was an action taken out of grief, that the laid back personality was the real him. What if they're wrong?' Written for kakairu_fest's 2014 Summer GlompFest.
Notes: I love this prompt and had so many different ideas for where to go with it, but Kakashi kept resisting, so I ended up rewriting and by then he was quite subdued. I hope this piece, still in the spirit of the prompt, suffices. Thank you M for thorough last minute beta-skills. <3
Also posted at AO3.

( your demons come to light and ... Collapse )

but it burns my tongue
Adult | ~3620
Summary: Tommy and Baptiste have been bonded as long as they both can remember. They were always together, and Tommy never thought anything of it until Baptiste was gone. Then he gets Baptiste back, and everything changes.
Author Notes: Written for kianna_leigh for smut_fest's Bonding Round.
Content Notes: A touch of hurt/comfort, mostly romance, some under the influence sex
Warnings: Fairly casual mentions of drug use
Beta'd by: Freckle, Imp, & M

Posted at Ao3: but it burns my tongue


"I would be your dragon
clinging, as if it's love
Breathing fire but it burns my tongue"
Zulu Winter

( but it burns my tongueCollapse )

http://lovemeow.com/2014/01/cat-gives-bunny-a-bath/

i'm having a terrible week of migraines and i don't know if its the weather, poor sleep, a sudden rash of questionable eating habits, or a combination of all three. it's dreadful though. after months of incredible relief, it's wretched. i'm watching american dad and roger is ill due to being so nice. 'my people have to let our bitchiness out.' perhaps there is a connection!

Day fourteen

In your own space, write a love letter. Write it Fandom in general, to a particular fandom, to a trope, a relationship, a character, or to your flist. Share you love and squee as loud as you want to.

i recently, finally, finally watched mugen no jūnin/blade of the immortal. at the same time, i keep seeing previews of space dandy on adult swim and i think, why oh why, couldn't the same people that did cowboy bebop and samurai champloo do mugen no jūnin?? it wasn't bad (well) it was just... plain. and the music, what the hell? inconsistent, out of context, dated. bleah. i'm behind in my complaints, i know, but bleah.

dear mugen no jūnin,
you were one of the first manga i ever read, certainly the first i read dedicatedly and seriously. your art was mind-blowing and your story captured me. i will always, always love you, and i am so glad that i just happened to pick you up that one day, in between batman and spawn.

it's kind of weird to think that something i was reading 20+ years ago is something i am still reading to this day--and my love is no less for it! i wrote a fanletter that was in one of the comics, which still makes me giggle.

but i wanted a brilliant concept-shattering anime! there was no way they could recreate samura's art. the storyline is powerful and they rearranged it a little to tell it visually, i can get that, but with just a bit of daring, they could have had something just as startling and fascinating as the manga itself. it has that 'looks like anime' look which, at the least, they could have saved with perhaps a fascinating soundtrack. in that way, it was disappointing.

the characters themselves are brilliant. complex, flawed, misguided, noble, defiant, cute, cruel, charming, deranged, and intense. they deserve so much more.

i do really recommend the manga, and only if you love it, the anime. i do like the opening song. the singer has this odd curl in their voice that is intriguing.

as a side-note, mugen led me to naruto by an errant doujinshi download. i'd thought it was blade of the immortal due to the spiky haired ninja on the front. as it turns out it was hatake kakashi, but it intrigued me just enough to find out more about him. also, watching the anime has helped me fill out a naruto story i have on my brain with a long, complex storyline. (but not until i finish my chaptered fic!) and it got me to reread the series and finally break down and buy the remaining trade paperbacks... so i did. all 26 issues to date, save for volume 1, which i had from long, long ago. and i'm going to the comic book store saturday to get volume 28, yay!

so, that's that. it's cold again, which is nice, but i want SNOW.

---

my mom came over last weekend and saw a black cat on my patio. in anticipation of the very cold weather, i put out a wee shelter thinking he might be a stray--who lets their cat out in that kind of weather right? but we southerners aren't used to it, so who knows. anyway, i tried. left cat food, but didn't see him again. then, last night, as i pulled up, i saw him! he ran off of course, but he'd eaten the food.

i was most pleased and filled up his bowl. tonight when i got home, there was a cat running off. a completely different cat. word is getting out. one cat bowl to rule them all...

day five

In your own space, talk about a creator. Show us why you think they are amazing.

so i'm going to talk about my bff megyal because she is super awesome.

she posts fanfic, original fic, tutorials, icons, fanmixes (there are more, but that one has bedouin soundclash, so...), and then, on top of that, amusing things from her life. so it's a wondeful mix of fan life and real life. i talk about her enough that my imp knows who she is, but he used to ask 'have i met her?' because he confused her with my real life friends; he thinks she is part of my group that goes out for lunch/dinner events. that's how real she is! i mean, as an online bff, of course she's real-real.

she's a prolific writer, in a few different fandoms, but i met her in naruto. we talk about fic all the time, trading thoughts and inspirations, and dare i say, even ideas. we even started a fest comm for naruto's kakashi & iruka (kakairu_fest) in 2009.

one of my favourite stories of hers is paid by blood that was written for smut_fest. it has a great depth to it, like worn book, like a real world, like you walk right out the front door of that story and you'd be in that world, with food, clothes, keys, and even a book of your own. but all her writing has that, which is why i love it so. i sink right into her worlds. and she does it effortlessly--or so it seems. i know she thinks on it, because we talk about worldbuilding all the time. she's good at it. there's a feel there. i can't quite describe, but, like, it scans. 'yes, i know this place. i can see it, breathe it. i am here.' she doesn't pile it on like an info dump, it's natural. little dents here and there, smudges of reality, so you can tell its handmade not machined and bought and shiny. no, she buffed it herself and it glows with sunlight she made with her bare hands.

i am happiest we virtual-met--for her wonderful works of course, but mostly because she is an awesome friend, and i hope this tiny bit of praise conveys a tiny bit of that.

day six

In your own space, share a book/song/movie/tv show/fanwork/etc that changed your life. Something that impacted on your consciousness in a way that left its mark on your soul.

foucault's pendulum by umberto eco
i've reread this book more than a few times. i'm re-reading it now, in digital form, for a new 'life-changing, mark on my soul' feeling. it showed me words i'd never seen, introduced me to new concepts, let alone eco's writing, helped me learn to mock conspiracies, let me know what it felt like to be haunted/chased by conspiracies, and showed me how the most tedious things could be turned into esoteric mysteries. it also taught me to look for things i was certain i'd seen, but upon looking, i would not find them. it made me wonder if the egyptians really understood geometry, whether perpetual motion was really possible, if, perhaps, the conspiracies were a conspiracy to conspire against conspiracies or just a whim, and, finally, how, when there is nothing left to understand, you will understand everything.

i try to get people to read it, but it is not an easy sell to some. i don't know why.

---

imp was recently disappointed. i ate all the stracciatella, so he bought more, thinking he'd surprise me with a new flavour.

me: 'this cappuccino is good.'
imp: 'it's cappuccino?! i thought it was cappadocia. i wanted to surprise you.'

imp is notorious for malapropisms. he calls his braunschweiger sausage 'bunsenburner meat.' he was really disappointed that it was plain old cappuccino gelato. ^_^

---

i think i don't finish stories because i'm lazy and don't have focus. i'm also easily distracted, have no drive, nor any sense of commitment.

moving on. snowflake challenge!

day three

In your own space, post a rec for at least three fanworks that you did not create.
i'm going to go with things i've read recently. that makes the most sense i think. they are all naruto, kakashi and iruka.

What Doesn't Kill You by stark_black
Big fat NC-17 | Chapters 5/7 posted
Warnings: Angst, Manpain, Language, BDSM (not graphic, but implied)
Summary: Kakashi and Iruka are sent on a dangerous and enlightening mission. Unfortunately, this mission could have serious emotional as well as physical ramifications.

Control by megyal
Mature/NC-17 | ~1400 words
Themes/warnings: Dom/sub relationship; whipping
Summary: Kakashi breaks one of their agreements; Iruka punishes him.

and just to mix it up, art!
Cooking Time by rutheatsu
art | worksafe
Summary: Iruka's preparing dinner - and Kakashi just can't leave him alone.

it is very cold here. my hands are icy. but i love it! i wish it was going to last longer. -12C/10F right now, but should be around 16C/60F by saturday. wtf. i really hoped it would snow, but no such luck. well, it did snow, but nothing accumulated. boo. i hold out hope.

of course i remember how to post, i think.

i sort of abandoned lj (writing, fandom, myself, lots of things) last year, but this is an even numbered year and it ends in blue--last year ended in orange, my favourite colour, well one of them, you'd think i'd have done better, but blue is nice too and four is a nice blue (not as nice as 7 but anyway) so here's hoping. i don't make resolutions, as a habit, but i am determined (/makes fist) to write better, and more, and try to finish a few somethings. this month, even.

and participate. that's right, i hated duck, duck, goose, but i did it. i hated red rover, too, and still do so i'm going to sit that one out. anyway, i'm tryyyyying. imp, up from two days of battles and raids just told me i needed to get up off my ass. ha!

i see megyal is doing a snowflake challenge, so me too. hopefully i can stick to it (wish me luck o please):

day one

In your own space, post a rec for at least three fanworks that you have created.

i enjoy a lot of fandoms, but only write a few, one at a time. some i've never even posted, haha. (spartacus. torchwood. a 100 word sherlock drabble.)

Naruto: Subdued
Adult | ~2800 | Kakashi/Iruka
Warnings: Dubcon, punishment, spanking, mild BDSM themes. References corporal punishment of a child (witnessed as a past event).
Summary: Kakashi doesn't take kindly to Iruka telling him how to do his job.

Dragonlance: Listen
183 | Caramon/Raistlin
Summary: Raistlin knew this question had gone beyond rhetorical, but he continued to ask.

Harry Potter: On Where He Stands
1000 | Remus/Sirius
In a crisp moment, his face is buried in Sirius’s neck and he inhales deeply, the same scents now deep with a hint of skin, magic, and butterbeer. The smell of burnt sugar arises, and Remus tastes caramel as he touches the pulse of Sirius’s neck with his fingertips. Sirius tickles him and he laughs helplessly, shouting and trying to get away. His fingers are pineapples and Remus shrieks unashamedly at each sour tickle.

day two

In your own space, promote three communities, challenges, blogs, pages, Twitters, Tumblrs or platforms and explain why you love them.

kakairu_fest and kakairu
so i put these two together since they are quite related. naruto has been my longest running fandom love.j

smut_fest
the first fest i joined, outside of kakairu (but that feels like home). i have a hard time finishing original fiction. i don't know if its a mental block or sheer laziness, or simply an addiction to world-building. sometimes i leave my story behind and focus on maps, cultures, and languages. this is a fun fest with great mods and structure, and superb quality considering that 'smut' is right there in the title. it's the best of smut!

the_slash_pile
it's like the virtual equivalent of an independent bookstore. i imagine there are soft sofas, comfy chairs, coffee and tea, great music, and of course, fascinating people always coming and going. most likely, just outside the doors, the weather is always fabulous. as for the comm itself, links, recs, discussions, evens prompts. excellent place to find something to read.

---

soft ball stage
gen | 350 | iruka, kakashi
Notes: Written for kakairu_fest's Bingo Round. Team Hurt/Comfort. Our card theme is blood. Also posted here.
Bingo Square: Wildcard! Our wildcard theme is cooking.
Summary: Kakashi makes candy and cookies.


( Soft Ball StageCollapse )

Intrigued
Adult | 2450 | Iruka/Kakashi
Notes: Written for kakairu_fest's Bingo Round. Team Hurt/Comfort. Our card theme is blood. Also posted here.
Bingo Card: Cursed
Summary: Iruka gets a papercut, has too much to drink, and tries to go home with the wrong ninja. Kakashi tries to fix all that.


( IntriguedCollapse )

a lesson in paying attention
1200 | Gen | Kakashi, Iruka
Notes: Written for kakairu_fest's Bingo Round. Team Hurt/Comfort. Our card theme is blood. Also posted here.
Bingo Square: Insomnia
Summary: Kakashi can't sleep. He can't make Iruka feel better either. But Iruka can help him sleep. So he does.


( A Lesson in Paying AttentionCollapse )

as much a light, as it is a flame
Adult | ~9999
Content Notes: Infidelity
Summary: More and more Itzal feels like a kept pet. He's sick and tired of it. And then Iudicael's mystery guest appears and everything changes.
Notes: Written for ingenius_inc for the dystopia/post-apocalypse round of smut_fest.

Also posted at Ao3: as much a light, as it is a flame

"Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame."
Thoreau


( Read more...Collapse )

Constant
Adult | ~6200
Summary: Accepting a freelance position with Apollo Xrysanthos takes Panos Zalou to the lush island of Antikytheros, designing navigational technology used across the globe.
Notes: Written for gryvon for the alt-history/future round of smut_fest. The antikythera mechanism is a real device, named after the shipwreck area it was recovered from. Antikythera is a real island; Antikytheros is not.

Also posted at Ao3: Constant

( ConstantCollapse )