One year ago today, my whole world changed.

To be extremely honest, I did not think I would make it a month, let alone a year without my boy. Most days I still have no desire to be here. I know I'd never harm myself. I couldn't do that to my parents, or Ben and Maizie. But if I knew I was dying tomorrow and there was nothing I could do about it, I'd be okay with that. It's an odd state to exist in, and one hard to explain. Especially since people think of him as just a cat. That's who he was to you. To me, he was my child, my best friend, my constant. Everything in my world, in my heart and soul changed when he came into my life. Everything was sweeter, better. So why should I be surprised that everything is suddenly so muted and gray in his absence? Of course I am better for having known him. But if something comes into our lives and makes it so amazing, should we not expect life to be even just a little bit lesser when it goes away? Yes, I am grateful for memories, though they still cut like shards of glass in my hands. But memories don't sit by your side when you are sick or upset. Memories don't look at you with understanding and affection. People like to tell me that there will come a time when the memories will make me smile. Fantastic. In the meantime, I do my best to keep them at bay.

I've lost a 'pet' before, my cat Lucky. This is so very different. I am so grateful to have a few friends that don't just respect that, but understand it. They, along with my mother, have been my lifeline.

In spite of everything, I know that I have been the luckiest person in the world. I got to be his guardian, the one he knew as 'mommy', whatever that word meant to him. I hope it meant love and safety and peace, because that's what 'kizmet' will always mean to me.

If you are blessed to have a four legged furry person in your life, give them an extra kiss today in memory of my sweet boy.