Oh goddamn, this is so hard sometimes. I can't imagine it's any easier being an introvert married to an extrovert, but the stress and lack of sleep may have officially gotten to us. I have zero idea of what we were just fighting about but when I'm done pumping, I'm going to give him a hug, even if he is still in the shower. We deserve hugs.

It seems I'm Lieutenant Commander Unrealistic Expectations. My clothes don't fit. Shouldn't they fit by now? Well, let's see, 3 weeks and 1 day ago, you were pregnant with twins. What do you think? Someday, I'll be promoted to Captain Obvious. Just keep my chin up and my nose clean. It's like being in the military -I only have 2 pair of pants that fit and those were hard enough to find. No way I'm going shopping again. I hate clothes shopping under weight loss conditions - you can imagine how it feels when my body explodes in the way women's bodies do and designers ignore it the way Creationists ignore evolution.

There's alot of positives out there today and I really can see every one of them and yet I'm crying. Hormones are awful. Recovery pains are awful. I don't want to go back to where i was because it's more fun to move forward, but as i told Ben the other night, boy, it's going to be great when i'm not in pain anymore.

I called a couple of friends today because I was very upset - not code red, but sort of yellow-orange. I texted them to ask for a call or visit before i got into the shower. It was tough to do. I can offer help, i can be asked for help, but doing the asking is a new thing. S called to check on me, and E just arrived to take me for a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee. All sorts of goodness. S says she's proud of me. I am too. It's a good thing.

So the long and short of it is that infertility drugs are extremely hard on me. And I thought the angst of a miscarriage was an emotional thing, and that because of how i had been approaching everything, that i wouldn't be affected, I'd just move on. Yep, it's pretty much emotional, no, your brain pretty much has no control over it. And just when you think you're good with it, you nearly drown yourself in tears you can't understand. And your spouse is doing things like telling you they love you, asking what they can do for you, offering to make you, buy you, serve you whatever you might fancy, explaining that it's all ok, it will all be ok, and generally hugging and holding you. And you tell every girlfriend you can that he just doesn't get it and he's not being supportive in the least. And you don't see the irony for months. Months.

And as far as I can tell, that's one experience, and it's a little different for everyone. But it should be something we should be able to talk about to each other. I found that every time I mentioned it to someone, everyone had a story. And was glad to talk or listen. Same with the IVF - I couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting someone going through it too. So either one, you know how to contact me. If you don't have my contact info, go find an old entry of mine, leave your email, and I'll ping you back and delete the email.

I finally got over the fear of starting the drugs again, and they were different drugs this time, so they did slightly different things to me, and luckily for a shorter amount of time. After the first time around, pretty much anything was going to be better. And i was so glad, because I spent 2 months crying to Captain Legoland "Don't make me do it again. I don't want to go on the drugs again!" And that was the hormones talking, because he'd hug me and say "We'll start again when and if you want to - we'll go at your pace, you tell me when you're ready." He wasn't "making" me do anything -- it was pressure I hadn't realized i had put on myself. This whole biological clock shit can be very dangerous to your health.

At the end of alot of crazy days where we really couldn't say anything to anyone about anything because we had so many unknowns, or at least several excellent doctors continually telling us reassuring things like "well, we can't quite tell yet" and "there's a good chance you might be looking at several months of hospital bedrest," we had information we could finally share, including that my risk had fallen to the point where I am probably not looking at several months of hospital bedrest.

Hopefully not til mid-May, Captain Legoland and I will welcome identical twin girls to our already pretty chaotic life, so if I didn't already feel like i was sailing the S.S. Minnow, now I will feel like I am racing the Minnow to Bermuda, the Long Way Round, and on 3 hours shifts with a captain who wants to tack every 45 minutes. So it's kinda exciting and terrifying at the same time. But I have a stalwart partner, who also isn't crazy about pink. It is good to be on the same page with your partner on the big stuff, when you'll be raising children together.

This isn't on facebook at the moment, and I'd appreciate it if it stayed that way for now, but email, here, smoke signals, homing pigeons (raptor-free), all good. Wondering why Cookie Season didn't happen? Ding ding! Why the Doldrums Party will get canceled? Ding ding! Why i haven't scheduled plans with anyone? Ding ding! My energy is generally low enough that i have to cancel anyways, so I've stopped trying. On the other hand, I have stopped canceling plans (since i haven't made any)! (leiacat, I'm still thinking tea on the 22nd). And when i disappear for even longer than I did last time, starting sometime late spring, i'm told I am going to have a very good excuse. Two of them, in fact.

I spent 2 hrs and was about 2/3 done with a really emotional post and i put my finger on the screen of the iPoodle somewhere and it's gone. Gone gone gone.
Fuck.

You'll get it eventually.