Tomorrow is a big day.
And good luck to me fella if he ever decides to marry me, because I don’t think I’ll be this excited on my wedding day (unless he ropes Beyoncé in to sing me up the aisle).
There I am, in my specs…
I’m getting laser eye surgery (with the highly trained and well prepared professionals at Optical Express in Ballsbridge – I say that to reassure myself more so than to inform you), and all going well, I’m expecting it to change my life. Let me tell you why.
I practically lived in the Gaeltacht as a teenager. One sunny day, surfing was on the agenda for us all, so we hit the beach. I spent 45 minutes absolutely bating myself into a slimy, disgusting wet suit that I knew 60 other manky teenagers had been in before me, and the smell off it supported my theory.
I took a brief lesson in surfing (from the safety of the sand) and then grabbed a board. Running towards the waterline, I was absolutely DYING to hit the (admittedly very small) waves. Just as my feet touched the water, board in hand, excitement at fever pitch, I realised. I have my glasses on!
What was I thinking?? If I get into the sea with my glasses on, I’ll absolutely fling myself off my surfboard at the first opportunity and there’ll be one lucky short-sighted jellyfish with a new pair of Ralph Lauren prescription specs. And if I go in with them off, I’ll DEFINITELY die. My eyesight is THAT bad (thanks ‘rents.)
So I skulked back to the hut, got out of the wetsuit and watched from a freezing cold sand dune while my peers learned to surf. I haven’t had my head submerged in water in about 15 years. My eyesight has gotten progressively worse, and now I am a -5.5 prescription in each eye, which is pretty terrible.
Other than that sorry tale, there are many day to day things that my horrific eyesight has kept me from or made me do:
– Just now, before I sat down to write, I lost my glasses. I looked for them for 15 minutes. They were hiding themselves in plain sight. (plain sight is not something I currently have access to)
– I have, countless times, washed my hair with shower gel, applied dry shampoo to freshen up my armpits and once, I *almost* used haemorrhoid ointment as toothpaste (NOT MY OWN, fyi).
– I said hello to a wheelie bin recently.
– While trying to give someone directions to something behind me, I poked myself in the eye. My depth perception gets all fecked up.
– I’ve gone to sleep in my contact lenses accidentally and woken up the next morning thinking Jesus Christ the baby lord had come down and blessed me with the gift of sight overnight. He hadn’t.
– As with the surfing story, I can’t really go swimming. Unless I get a pair of supremely sexy prescription goggles. They go down fine in the Olympics, not so much on a Croatian beach when I’m trying to get stuck in to a hot doctor (three years ago when single, calm down lads). Goggles are about as sexy as a dose of herpes simplex.
– Without glasses or lenses, I look permanently confused. I squint, I peer awkwardly at people’s faces as they talk, hoping beyond hope to pick up an expression or two (failing, inevitably) and I always feel as though when my sight goes, so does my hearing. You know when you turn down the radio in the car when you’re lost? Something along those lines.
– Glasses, I reckon, held me back, confidence wise. It wasn’t until I was 19 and started wearing lenses that I really feel I got the will to speak up for myself a bit. And also, until then, I was making an absolute living HAMES of my make-up and NO ONE told me.
SO… with all that in mind, here’s what I’m hoping will happen once my sight has been cured by the magical wonders of the Wavefront laser – not your ordinary patient (of course) I have to get the turbo laser because of my abnormally large pupils. Even in their process of getting fixed my eyes are assholes…
– I’ll open my eyes on maybe Sunday morning, having slept off most of the pain/headaches/sore eyes, and be able to see my bedroom without the aid of a very expensive set of lenses or glasses. For the first time since I was about 6. I’m expecting it to be a magical time.
– I’ll do that same thing, every morning, until I reach my mid-fifties and need to wear reading glasses like some kind of elegant older lady – Diane Keaton fifteen years ago is what I’ll be going for. I might even throw on a lady tux.
– I’ll be able to take up surfing and god help me no dodgy eyed case of Myopia is gonna stop me. Who knows?? I could be EXCEPTIONALLY talented at watersports and just not know about it yet. Watch out Rio 2016.
– For the first time since I can remember, I’ll be able to ON A WHIM decide to sleep over somewhere other than my house and not have the “DO I HAVE SPARE LENSES” panic. Oh it will be good.
– Never have to wash my hair with shower gel again, nor will I greet a wheelie bin and expect it to answer back. This is gonna be GREAT.
Excitement level: Off the charts.
Nerves: Gone.
Plan: I’ve got a couple of sedatives handy should I need to be easy breezy in the morning.
Say a prayer for me. Rosie, keep an eye on my eyes. Sound.
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