Tuesday | 11:55 PM | Blue Car | Bangalore, India
2 Girls | Loud Music
Really loud singing
Happy. Enjoying themselves.
But
How dare we sing so loud?
How dare we be out so late?
How dare we drive ourselves and be so independent?
We definitely wanted attention. Like duh.
Two boys. Following us.
Music turned down.
No more singing.
Scared, Worried, Irritated.
Driving away, trying to get away from chasers.
I swear, we didn’t want any attention. We wanted to just be. But, how dare we, right?
Wednesday | 7:30 PM | White Gates | Bangalore, India
1 Girl | Pink and Blue Chudidar | White Earphones
Out for a walk. Needs a breathe of fresh air.
A bunch of young 20 something boys in the opposite direction.
But
How dare I want to be out past sunset?
How dare I want a breathe of air?
How dare I have a Vagina?
‘Hey look, Girl.’
Wide leering smiles
Whistling
‘Hey Sexy?’
I go back inside, disgusted.
Fresh air felt like breathing in Gun powder.
But, what could I do? Boys are like that.
Thursday | 1:30 PM | Bungee Jump Bridge | Knysna, South Africa
A group of people, girls, boys, men and women. 20 People.
1 Girl. Red Crop top, Black High waist pants.
1 Photographer.
His hands dig into my waist and I say nothing.
I say nothing because I did not want to create a scene.
I say nothing because it’s common for boys to that right?
And I say nothing because God dammit all I want in that moment is to vanish into nothing. Evaporate.
That would be a way to pick me up. How else would he do it?
And if I could dare to wear a crop top, he could obviously touch my waist and ask me if I wanted to sleep with him, right?
Friday
Saturday
It has been a quick blur of things I’m so used to.
Ogle. Ogle. Ogle.
Leering. Cat calling.
Been judged by aunties for just existing, for being the the same damn sex as them.
No, not because I did anything provocative.
And even if I did, SO WHAT?
Sunday
Oh thank God.
Finally, I’m going to stay at home, it’s a holiday. Nothing will happen today.
Mom: Why do you not help me with any work in the house? Is this how you will be at your in laws place? Ruining our names. You are going to get nothing out of studying. Help us. Be a girl. Contribute to the family. It’s your job. Look at your sister, look how she’s struggling because she works. Don’t be her.
*Internally screaming*
FUCK YOU, MOM. I can’t believe you’re saying this.
Dad: She’s right, you were not brought up to sit around and work like the boys all day. You must learn to manage both things.
Me: Okay, I understand.
Monday
Pondicherry, India | 5 girls | An Island | Shorts and crop tops
I’m having trouble writing this, because, my brain is screaming out to me to not recall it.
Bro that’s great food, let’s pack some.
Flash
On a boat
They keep ogling at us, a discussion about how we should stare back, so they look away.
Flash
Omg, let’s ride yellow Vespas, so much fun
Flash
They won’t stop following us
Flash
Omg, please stop crying, we love you, they don’t deserve tears
Flash
‘It’s our mistake, we are dressed badly’
Flash
‘I thought we were stronger than running away from them’
Flash
Claps at us, takes our photos. We run terrified. They run behind. It’s a chase, and they love us being so terrified. It’s turning them on.
Flash
Friend 1: I wish we had dressed more decently
Friend 2: I was easily the worst dressed
Flash
A french lady and her husband
Thank God our friend knew french, will you please help us?
Flash
But nobody helped us when we were trying to run, why not?
Flash
Let’s not wear anything provocative to this party, I don’t think it’s safe
Flash
The husband and lady waits by while we have fun collecting shells
We can’t collect shells on a beach without the presence of a foreign man.
Flash
Full sleeves jackets and pants to a party we had planned days ago
Flash
Extra careful, Swiss knife and all, so we don’t die.
Flash
Flash
Flash
I wish I’d slept that night or on any day rested without being so scared after that day.
But they won. They won.
I was afraid to be a woman.
And I was afraid of men and all my boiling blood had been trapped in my body feeling like a little insect inside a car, helpless and alone.
Easily the worst day of the week right?
It has been 21 odd years.
And.
I’ve had enough.
I want to stop feeling like I’m the trash stuck in the cars’ carburetor.
You cannot take it out, I’m the God damn engine and you will not survive without me.
I’m not fucking disposable.
I will burn you.
Someone said I will get over it, No I fucking will not, because I do not want to. Because it is NOT okay to get over it.
Someone else said, Boys need to learn how to pick up girls better.
NO, FUCK YOU.
I’m not God damn trash or an object, you CANNOT pick me up.
I swear, if you met the anger inside me, you could destroy half this planet, but no one would notice, because no one ever does, we have all been burning with the same rage for 2000 odd years and no one fucking notices.
Screw you, 2016.
#Iamnotmyvagina
The Stardust Elephant 