This was a fantastic read as always. Very well written, structured and educational.
Although I didn't know about the psychiatrist Donald Winnicott’s or the concept rooted in his "good-enough" parenting theory - its makes a lot of sense - and i can see myself fitting in opr round it for sure.
The part about the overwhelm and temptation to revert to old coping mechanisms stemming from a lack of "internal scaffolding" developed in childhood - I get that - I wouldn't have been aware that what i was doing though.
And the part about a lack of "ego strength," causing adults to struggle with resilience and adopt a binary, often self-destructive, view of success and failure when facing difficult times - again it fits the patterns.
It's reassuring for people to know that the internal support structure can be rebuilt in adulthood through intentional self-care, supportive relationships, and therapeutic work - sometimes I just wonder whether the ship has sailed a bit too far out - not saying that as in totally hopeless - more sometimes its been such a long time being a certain type, way, maybe accepting a half way house is easier - (for me anyway)
You make such an important point and one that resonates with me personally…. sometimes we have to settle with what is possible for us - especially if there has been complex childhood trauma and/or addictions. We come to a place that is ‘good enough’ most of the time. We make a life that is ‘good enough’. Thank you for reading - means a lot x
Sarah, first, thank you for setting your thoughts down so clearly. As I read your article I found myself trying to measure your words up against my own childhood. Were my parents ‘good enough?’I think life when I was a child was very different, unless my home life was different from that of my friends. I do not remember sharing doubts and problems with my parents—other than the surface things like too much homework or nervousness about a test, or wanting some boy (any boy)to ask me to the prom. My parents were simple people, kind and hard working, worried about making ends meet. I was among the earliest Baby Boomers, born in 1946. We weren’t Sesame Street kids. I don’t recall anyone telling me the basics I hear my children affirming for their children today. As I think back, we had to work it out for ourselves, not because our parents ‘were just good enough’, but that’s what parents did in the 1950’s and 1960’s. I don’t think they knew any better, unless that’s what you mean. If I felt inadequate it was usually because I wasn’t dating. If I shared my unhappiness with my parents on occasion I remember their reactions vaguely now. My mother would feel bad for me but I don’t think she had any suggestions that would help bolster my self confidence or help me overcome my shyness or fears. My dad would listen but think he was coming from the perspective that I was beautiful and boys would mature and realize that in due time; all would be fine. Today, to my mind, we have so many new resources to educate ourselves and be better parents or wiser children, ask better questions, delve deeper and resolve more issues. Does that make any sense to you, or am I simplifying in my ignorance?
Your response makes perfect sense to me Anita and you make an important point; that parents bring their own histories and contexts (as you say v different in the 50s and 60s) - most parents do the best they can - certainly sounds like your parents did! And yes, we now have more understanding about the impact of those early years on children than we did back then. Thank you so much for reading and for your comment; so appreciated.
Sarah, I think so many more of us are trying harder in areas that impact the mental health of our children. When I see how my own sons teach their students or counsel their young children, I am blown away by their kindnesses, their wisdom. I definitely was not that wise when I raised them. Yes, I brought my own fears and would always choose the safest path. When I see my younger son encouraging his 3-year-old daughter to jump bravely it gets me scared that she’ll fall. His response when I spoke to him, he’d assessed the dangers, knew she could fall but not damage herself, he wanted her to feel brave and take the jump, if she fell, she’d learn from the tumble, to do it better or to pull back. He didn’t want to curb her, he did clearly delineate where she could and couldn’t jump and she understood her boundaries. So you’re right, we bring our own experiences and do the best we can. This generation is better equipped to make us so much healthier.
This was a fantastic read as always. Very well written, structured and educational.
Although I didn't know about the psychiatrist Donald Winnicott’s or the concept rooted in his "good-enough" parenting theory - its makes a lot of sense - and i can see myself fitting in opr round it for sure.
The part about the overwhelm and temptation to revert to old coping mechanisms stemming from a lack of "internal scaffolding" developed in childhood - I get that - I wouldn't have been aware that what i was doing though.
And the part about a lack of "ego strength," causing adults to struggle with resilience and adopt a binary, often self-destructive, view of success and failure when facing difficult times - again it fits the patterns.
It's reassuring for people to know that the internal support structure can be rebuilt in adulthood through intentional self-care, supportive relationships, and therapeutic work - sometimes I just wonder whether the ship has sailed a bit too far out - not saying that as in totally hopeless - more sometimes its been such a long time being a certain type, way, maybe accepting a half way house is easier - (for me anyway)
You make such an important point and one that resonates with me personally…. sometimes we have to settle with what is possible for us - especially if there has been complex childhood trauma and/or addictions. We come to a place that is ‘good enough’ most of the time. We make a life that is ‘good enough’. Thank you for reading - means a lot x
It was a brilliant article as always - thank you 🙏
Sarah, first, thank you for setting your thoughts down so clearly. As I read your article I found myself trying to measure your words up against my own childhood. Were my parents ‘good enough?’I think life when I was a child was very different, unless my home life was different from that of my friends. I do not remember sharing doubts and problems with my parents—other than the surface things like too much homework or nervousness about a test, or wanting some boy (any boy)to ask me to the prom. My parents were simple people, kind and hard working, worried about making ends meet. I was among the earliest Baby Boomers, born in 1946. We weren’t Sesame Street kids. I don’t recall anyone telling me the basics I hear my children affirming for their children today. As I think back, we had to work it out for ourselves, not because our parents ‘were just good enough’, but that’s what parents did in the 1950’s and 1960’s. I don’t think they knew any better, unless that’s what you mean. If I felt inadequate it was usually because I wasn’t dating. If I shared my unhappiness with my parents on occasion I remember their reactions vaguely now. My mother would feel bad for me but I don’t think she had any suggestions that would help bolster my self confidence or help me overcome my shyness or fears. My dad would listen but think he was coming from the perspective that I was beautiful and boys would mature and realize that in due time; all would be fine. Today, to my mind, we have so many new resources to educate ourselves and be better parents or wiser children, ask better questions, delve deeper and resolve more issues. Does that make any sense to you, or am I simplifying in my ignorance?
Your response makes perfect sense to me Anita and you make an important point; that parents bring their own histories and contexts (as you say v different in the 50s and 60s) - most parents do the best they can - certainly sounds like your parents did! And yes, we now have more understanding about the impact of those early years on children than we did back then. Thank you so much for reading and for your comment; so appreciated.
Plus, we’re talking aloud about mental health matters that were hidden, hushed, buried when I was a child. That, alone, is a tremendous development
Yes !
Sarah, I think so many more of us are trying harder in areas that impact the mental health of our children. When I see how my own sons teach their students or counsel their young children, I am blown away by their kindnesses, their wisdom. I definitely was not that wise when I raised them. Yes, I brought my own fears and would always choose the safest path. When I see my younger son encouraging his 3-year-old daughter to jump bravely it gets me scared that she’ll fall. His response when I spoke to him, he’d assessed the dangers, knew she could fall but not damage herself, he wanted her to feel brave and take the jump, if she fell, she’d learn from the tumble, to do it better or to pull back. He didn’t want to curb her, he did clearly delineate where she could and couldn’t jump and she understood her boundaries. So you’re right, we bring our own experiences and do the best we can. This generation is better equipped to make us so much healthier.