When things get difficult ...
why it can feel so hard to cope ...and to keep going
How do we manage to keep going when things get difficult? Sometimes we don’t and there are reasons.
I’ve had a week or so full of things that didn’t go to plan, challenges I didn’t see coming, being asked of by others more than usual, and generally feeling ‘more going out than coming in’.1 Pretty overwhelming.
More than that, it has been really hard to support myself in all this, and old familiar ways of coping have been calling… my personal favourites being… spending (wasting!) money on the ‘really, really perfect tinted sheer foundation that will leave me glowy not cakey’ and other stuff, too many sweet things in the evening (palpitations and hot flush in bed hours later anyone?). At least it’s no longer the alcohol and online dating messes.
At such times I have to, very consciously, take a breath and think about bringing in those resources that will help. It doesn’t come easily or naturally to me when I am feeling in overwhelm. My adult self understands the reasons for this. My training as a psychotherapist and my many years of personal therapy have taught me much. But all of that does not make it instantly simple or easy to cope. I remind myself of why this isn’t at all easy for me. Maybe, if any of this resonates, it will be helpful to you to be reminded…
If you had a dysfunctional family, (or other challenging start in life) the chances of having internalised a ‘good-enough’ parent diminish. Donald Winnicott, famous child psychiatrist, coined the term ‘good-enough’ to mean having the experience, in your early years, of parents (or important others) that met your needs to a ‘good enough’ degree. Parents that loved you and encouraged your interests, nurtured you, not just physically (food, warmth, safety) but emotionally (helped you learn to allow and manage feelings), and psychologically (encouraged you in developing your own individuality). Who also allowed you to make your own mistakes, trusting in you to find your owns ways of coping and getting on with life.
Part of Winnicott’s concept is that parents eventually and necessarily ‘fail’ their children. As the child grows, bit by bit parents stop being so ‘attending’; allowing their child to develop their own ways of self-soothing, learning to tolerate difficulties and to find their own coping strategies. They don’t abandon the child, but there is space created for the child to begin to explore strategies on their own. Knowing they always have parents in ‘the wings’.
All this helps build ‘resilient enough’ adults.
If your parents managed to give you this, then you will, almost certainly have enough ‘internal scaffolding’ to support yourself when life gets tough. This internal scaffold allows you to understand that things never stay static, things change and move and will pass, despite it feeling that way sometimes. Freud termed this ‘ego strength’ and it is an important aspect of being able to manage in the world without collapsing, falling apart or reaching for self-destructive coping mechanisms.
If your parents managed this support well, they helped you to ‘keep on keeping on’, through tough times. But if this didn’t happen, your younger self may have felt overwhelmed by life’s challenges. Then it feels easier to give up, give in, telling yourself, more often than not, that you are the problem, something is wrong with you.
You can’t cope.
A similar outcome occurs if your parents were overly protective. You might find the exposure and demand of being an adult in the world impossible at times. You never learnt to trust yourself to survive the difficult, turbulant times in life. Your scaffolding may be wobbly.
Growing up with experiences that didn’t fully support ‘ego strength’ development, the world becomes a very binary place; with win or lose being the only possibilities. Either I’m a winner (got the job, lost the weight, went to the gym) or I’m a loser (lost the guy, ditched the exercise, had another drink). There is no space for the growing into, exploring or failing yet learning.
When we give up, we can then feel defeated and despondent, and we have all the familiar feelings of failure and perhaps the shame and internal criticism that comes with it. We may have internalised counter-productive strategies for use when things get tough (giving up) or even destructive ones (burning bridges!)
Once you notice yourself struggling it is time to seek help. Reflect on what you need right now. What will help you bring these supportive things back in? My go to’s are the following:
Talking to someone who gets me and won’t judge or offer advice - someone who trusts I can get through this
Being in nature - seeing wildlife just getting on with things gives me hope
Doubling down on self-care: good food, rest, walking/exercise, fresh air
Journalling it all out - all the things that would not be ok to actually say to someone (too destructive) are definitely ok to write down; get it out of your system.
It is entirely possible (and needed) to build your own internal scaffolding as an adult if things didn’t go as they should when you were younger. Some of us need to go to therapy (I did! - for decades) and some of us find other ways; supportive partner, friends or other life experiences that shore us up.
Thanks for reading - comments always welcome
Sarah
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As a general rule I think it is very helpful and self supporting to ask oneself, once a week or so, the following ‘What is resourcing me right now? and What is depleting me right now?’ and if you have more of the latter than the former then you need to address this!
This was a fantastic read as always. Very well written, structured and educational.
Although I didn't know about the psychiatrist Donald Winnicott’s or the concept rooted in his "good-enough" parenting theory - its makes a lot of sense - and i can see myself fitting in opr round it for sure.
The part about the overwhelm and temptation to revert to old coping mechanisms stemming from a lack of "internal scaffolding" developed in childhood - I get that - I wouldn't have been aware that what i was doing though.
And the part about a lack of "ego strength," causing adults to struggle with resilience and adopt a binary, often self-destructive, view of success and failure when facing difficult times - again it fits the patterns.
It's reassuring for people to know that the internal support structure can be rebuilt in adulthood through intentional self-care, supportive relationships, and therapeutic work - sometimes I just wonder whether the ship has sailed a bit too far out - not saying that as in totally hopeless - more sometimes its been such a long time being a certain type, way, maybe accepting a half way house is easier - (for me anyway)
Sarah, first, thank you for setting your thoughts down so clearly. As I read your article I found myself trying to measure your words up against my own childhood. Were my parents ‘good enough?’I think life when I was a child was very different, unless my home life was different from that of my friends. I do not remember sharing doubts and problems with my parents—other than the surface things like too much homework or nervousness about a test, or wanting some boy (any boy)to ask me to the prom. My parents were simple people, kind and hard working, worried about making ends meet. I was among the earliest Baby Boomers, born in 1946. We weren’t Sesame Street kids. I don’t recall anyone telling me the basics I hear my children affirming for their children today. As I think back, we had to work it out for ourselves, not because our parents ‘were just good enough’, but that’s what parents did in the 1950’s and 1960’s. I don’t think they knew any better, unless that’s what you mean. If I felt inadequate it was usually because I wasn’t dating. If I shared my unhappiness with my parents on occasion I remember their reactions vaguely now. My mother would feel bad for me but I don’t think she had any suggestions that would help bolster my self confidence or help me overcome my shyness or fears. My dad would listen but think he was coming from the perspective that I was beautiful and boys would mature and realize that in due time; all would be fine. Today, to my mind, we have so many new resources to educate ourselves and be better parents or wiser children, ask better questions, delve deeper and resolve more issues. Does that make any sense to you, or am I simplifying in my ignorance?