hey guys, if anyone is still following me here, I'm making the jump to pillowfort, where I am melthemagpie. I'm as active as someone can be that's only had the thing for 3 days.

I'll still reblog stuff on tumblr, but I'm planning to use pillowfort for the kind of fandom relationship building that was once common on lj and died a sad death in the tumblr era

hi, strangers :)

so a long time ago, onelittlesleep wrote a fic called "They Say I'm a Bad Man, And They're Right" where Sam was born a girl, so Dean was raised alone on the road while they left Sam with Pastor Jim or something, and as a result, Dean grew up to be basically a sociopath. It was twisted as fuck, and thus, hit all my buttons - it appears it's no longer available anywhere on the internets.

If anyone is in possession of a copy of this fic that they wouldn't mind sharing with me for my personal enjoyment (*cough*), please see me after class

*shifty eyes*

sometimes I really, REALLY miss the days where I was new and shiny and had one fandom which happened to be large and still relatively stable (though waning) and everything was on lj, and all that put together meant lots of fandom friends that I talked to and formed fuzzy connections with. I miss *knowing* people, not just recognizing their usernames.

otoh, disconnect has the advantage of being insensate to fandom politics. I don't know who the bnf's are unless I'm hit over the head with a properly-labeled two-by-four, or who doesn't get along with who, or where the faction lines are, or...a million other things that were always tedious and pointless and dumb.

but still. sometimes when I'm wandering around a new fandom, I see a familiar username and am filled with glee because zomg I fangirled that person's writing so hard when I was a wee little fangirl, and it gives me nostalgia, because I don't really *experience* that anymore. and it's nice.

so my family doesn't really do Thanksgiving, never has - every year it's just a glorious four-day weekend free of responsibility, where I get to feel kind of sorry for suckers who are obligated to do stuff with a family they don't like (not true for everyone). anyway

my point is, I didn't/don't/never do have that ritual "what are you thankful for" yearly thing. so the timing is kinda funny that a week later, I just got such a profound rush of gratitude and relief.

three or four years ago, I was recovering from major depression and unemployment, and part of that was that I had been chronically overdue on bills for some time, and debt collection calls were nothing new, but suddenly I wasn't numb to it. I had an income, but it wasn't enough to cover everyone that wanted a piece of me rightfuckingnow. I hated the sound of my phone ringing, and I was anxious all the time.

I got it under control, eventually. I've been on track to repair my credit for a few years now, and I don't have to do complicated math to cover my bills anymore (most of the time - Christmas season, on the heels of a root canal for me and dental surgery for Seeley, ugh - my financial security is somewhat based on "no three major problems at the same time" but that's better than Apocalypse Now, right?).

but it's funny how it comes rushing back to you.

earlier today I fielded this call on my business line from the Texas Attorney General's office, and they wanted to speak to payroll - as it turns out, in this small incestuous little business I work for, "payroll" is my brother-in-law who lives on the west coast and does not deign to rise from his bed until noon central, and isn't hooked up to our phone system. so he's not available. I take a message, and they tell me it's in regards to wage garnishment for one of our employees.

cue anxiety so strong it made me dizzy. irrational - I mean, I haven't lived in Texas for years, I don't have any outstanding bills there, I'm current on all my financial obligations, and I no longer ignore mail and phone calls because I just can't cope. but yeah, it took me a good hour to get past the terror of like...is it me? did I forget something? is it still not over?

and now I just feel kind of limp with relief and gratitude that I'm not in that spot anymore. *clutches my little money cushion, thin though it may be*

it's funny because as underwhelmed as I've been with SHIELD, I'm inevitably starting to ship all the things to the point of giant team polyamorous snuggletude. like, I don't know that I'm dying for porn because no one on the cast particularly does it for me, but I have warm potentially shippy snoggy feelings about a handful of pairings and it's so strange because this is alongside me barely bothering to watch the show each week.

yeah, after seeing some gifs of last night’s supernatural, I will not be watching it.

fuck you, spn writers, for your continual assassination of a character I love, and retconning of abuse into what was, in the early seasons, a fucked up but loving family dynamic.

seriously, fuck you.

you know, I'm enjoying NBC's Dracula quite a bit - from the promos I saw before the pilot, I expected it to be terrible, but I look forward to new episodes quite a bit. it does take itself Very Seriously, but they've managed to ride the line that keeps that from being a bad thing? and somehow they've suckered me into investing in the primary will-they-won't-they, though I'm also digging the femmeslash.

it's probably tied with Blacklist for my favorite new show of the season, actually - that one seems to have struck some perfect blend of procedural and daddy issues. stir well and serve with garnish.

Hostages is kind of diverting, though I'm not in love with it. SHIELD is still kind of disappointing, though I'm still watching because sometimes they hit the mark, and I think I'm too invested in the franchise *not* to watch it. still enjoying Grimm, though I wish it hadn't gone full-on arc-based. I was enjoying having an episodic genre show back on television

Arrow...Stephen Amell. Good Lord. there are actually a lot of things I enjoy about that show, but I'm pretty sure I'd keep watching without any of them because the power of the pretty compels me. I don't think he's the *most* attractive man, or the most charismatic, or the most anything at all, but then you put him in front of me and I kind of temporarily forget his mediocrity. there's some kind of witchcraft going on there that I haven't figured out yet.

Elementary continues to be flawless in every way. that's all I have to say about that.

so I've been vastly underwhelmed by spn ever since s5...as far as I'm concerned, the series ended with Swan Song and everything after that is to me sorta just...there? I've liked a few eps here or there but for the most part, I can't believe that it's still on (or that there are people that still enjoy it, or that it's still garnering new fans, though tumblr assures me that both those things are true - whut).

anyway, all that means I never watch an ep right away. I usually download it, then it sits on my hard drive til I'm bored or in a certain mood. I just got around to watching 9.01 tonight and I was kind of pleasantly surprised. it felt more spny and relevant to the original show than anything's been in ages (partly because it simply retread a lot of old ground, but whatev).

I remember people speculating a while ago about how we're just now approaching the timeline of The End and how what if the angels falling is looping back around to that reality...at the time, I thought "I'm just not sure they're that clever anymore" -

(I mean, I never particularly thought they were as clever as they wanted to be, but in a post-teen wolf world, it seems like early spn was comparatively the cleverest. it's funny how many of spn's plot holes and quirks and have retroactively become acceptable to me in comparison. I feel like teen wolf is the new low benchmark for me of all fandom life. lol, I'm such a bitter old hag.)

- where was I? oh, yes. I thought they weren't that clever anymore but then Ezekiel talking about possessing Sam and sorta soft-selling Dean into agreeing with it got my antennae up. and then I was thinking about how the angel in the parking garage couldn't read who "Ezekiel" was and so now I'm wondering HMMM, COULD IT BE LUCIFER? IS LUCIFER POSSESSING SAM RIGHT NOW ZOMG THE END HERE WE COME.

I would be super stoked if this is what were happening. swear to god, I could forgive them for seasons 6, 7 and 8.


btw, I adore Death. I couldn't stop cracking up when Dean arrived because Death totally understated aura of exasperation like, he's seen this episode before and it's been rerun approximately 1000x and dear god is he bored. <3

the frequency with which posts get hijacked by math or science or history or expertise of ANY kind makes my geek heart weep with joy. every time I see rhetorical or seemingly-silly questions resolved in a massive geek-gasm of advanced calculation or applied theory, I just.

oh god. joy. JOY in my nerdy little heart.