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C'est la vie. — LiveJournal
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C'est la vie.

Je t'adore plus de ma coeur. :]

8/23/13 02:20 am - diagnosis

It feels good to finally have a confirmed diagnosis from a professional. Bipolar 2. I had suspected it, but thought my hypomanic phases did not last long enough. Apparently 4 days of mostly being "up" or agitated or creative or overly-active or risky is enough.
They started me on a mood stabilizer. A quick Google search tells me it is thought to be the most successful drug for this issue, so, here's hoping. It would be nice to be able to look forward to life.
However this is yet another reason to add to my list of reasons not to have children. Right now I don't really like them or have patience for them anyway, but it seems like it would be screwed up for me to knowingly pass on genetic material with serious flaws. Maybe it's a good thing I don't really care for them, or else such a thought might seriously hurt...

12/2/11 12:35 am - Recent thoughts

  I haven't posted in a long time, and I hate that my posts are pretty much always negative, but this is a good way to vent. And writing it down in a notebook doesn't seem to help as much since I can easily shove it to the back of the bookshelf and forget it, etc. Besides, should anyone happen to notice this, perhaps they could offer me some of their own perspective.


  So, I discovered Reddit several days ago LOL
But the way it went down is I typed in the website address, looked at one or two things, and ended up finding a very interesting/funny post, and found myself on the subreddit of /r/atheism. Haven't been back to the regular homepage since. For clarification, I'm agnostic, but I lean very heavily towards atheism as well. I may turn into an agnostic atheist sometime in the future, but for now, this is where I lie.

  And...these posts, Facebook screen caps, rage comics, news posts, etc., have really got me thinking. Even on barely related topics.


  I've been quite dissatisfied with society in general for some time now. (Hence, earlier posts.) While I certainly do see good people and good deeds out there, I see so much negativity that I am disheartened at which side will eventually win. It often seems to me as if people care only for themselves and (sometimes) their own families. As if some basic human values and virtues (patience, common sense, humility, etc.) have been lost. I have a hard time genuinely understanding concepts like racism and homosexuality...I struggle to find the logic. I feel like governments and big businesses of the world today represent naught but greed (there are exceptions to this, but look to those with the most power, and you'll find the generalizations). 
  What am I getting at? I've been fantasizing about leaving the country lately. Like, live elsewhere, not a vacation. Is that realistic? No. I know that. It's a nice daydream, though. Seems like there are several cultures in the world where I'd be surrounded by like minds.
  But like I said...just a daydream. I couldn't afford such a move, I couldn't find a job overseas with no valuable work skills, I don't want to do the chapters of paperwork to leave the country (it's more to leave the US than the paperwork to get citizenship elsewhere), and my family....


  What else has been on my mind lately? Marriage. No worries--I'm not planning on it anytime soon. I've just been considering the idea of it. I've been thinking about how psychology and sociology have been showing more and more evidence against the idea that humans were meant to mate for life. Makes sense. That's how most of the animal kingdom is. Thing is, like a lot of little girls, I've always dreamed of getting married. I don't have a scrapbook under my bed of magazine clippings of dresses and ice sculptures, but it always seemed like such a lovely thing. To fall in love, to push forward, to commit to a person and probably a family for several decades to come. And the ceremony? A church one obviously wouldn't be the one for me, but the ceremony (in whatever form it took) would be my only chance in my life to wear a princess dress (since I missed that chance at prom).
  Both science and divorce rates show that maybe that route isn't the most logical, though. Seems like the Europeans have it right--many of them have been "dating" forever, have kids, live together, etc., with no intentions of getting married.
  I began to wonder--wouldn't a monogamous, long-term marriage be better for any children produced? Or is that just an ideal pushed upon society by the church? I suppose the children could still maintain a healthy relationship with both parents if the parents were able to remain friends, or at least retain civil behavior towards one another...
  I don't know, the jury's still out on this one.

Current Mood: thoughtful thoughtful

3/20/11 07:58 pm

"Why should I waste my time listening?"
"Because I have a right to be heard! I HAVE A VOICE!!"

3/20/11 03:51 am - Ch. 3 Old Farts

Okay, don't get me wrong--some older folks are awesome. They're pleasant, full of good humor, and have lots of great stories.

But you all know the people I'm referring to presently. Those old farts who are bitter and feel like they're entitled to everything for surviving a few too many decades? Yeah.

Let me start with the fact that I've often wondered if older people ought to be required to take driving tests every couple of years after a certain age. Many people have told me that such a requirement would be unfair to people who have been operating vehicles for decades. My response is that if they're so well practiced, why do they seem to forget how once their hair goes from gray to white? I often see older folks with stark white hair, thick glasses, and plaid attire gaping at the road, 15 mph under the speed limit, and swerving along with their blinker on for 3 miles. That's not a stereotype; I've seen it more than once.

Next, some common experiences at the restaurant where I used to work (oh, yeah, I quit. Hah. Been free 4 days now, whoo): you know which group used to drive me crazy? You'd ask them a question about the order they were placing, (such as, which condiment? which side with your entree? did you want that to be a large combo? which drink would you like?) and the most common answers would be, "NO," "No, I said I want [repeats exact same information with the information required for the order taker still missing]," and "no, it comes like this." A.) Turn up your hearing aid and listen to what I just said to you, being young doesn't automatically make me stupid, B.) I'm the one who works here, I know that what you want comes with an assortment of options, don't tell ME how something is supposed to be.

Next irritating thing I often ran into, older folks would often be the ones to flag me down (in rude or startling ways) so that they could complain about the petty things. Improper amount of ice (according to them, of course, not according to what the company told us to do. They're old. They know everything. They're always right.), or something wrong with their burger (even if I had taken their order and KNEW they had requested exactly what they got; or weren't listening to what I'd asked them, said to them, and repeated back to them twice), or a complaint about the cost (when the price of each item is clearly labeled before them on the menu, laid out item-by-item on the receipt taped to their order, and added up with tax on that same receipt).

I've often seen old farts make people in the service industry bend over backwards, walk back and forth or redo something four times, and communicate with their managers as a plea for assistance because old farts feel like they're entitled to whatever the fuck they want. They think that the slaves of the service industry are there to make everything 100% perfect 100% of the time...they're human, too, old farts. They make mistakes just like you, and often times they did their job right the first time, but your loss of observational and/or listening skills over the years has led them to go out of their way to do things differently just to please YOU. Talk about selfish.

Aren't older folks supposed to be wise, patient, sentient beings?
Some are...
...but so many more aren't.

Grow up.



...Again.
Current Mood: irritated irritated

3/7/11 12:08 am - Chapter 2: The pursuit of happyness.

"When Jefferson spoke of pursuing happiness, he had nothing vague or private in mind. He meant a public happiness which is measurable; which is, indeed, the test and justification of any government."
--Garry Wills, Inventing America: Jefferson’s Declaration of Independence

This post may be a tad different from what I'd originally intended for this series, but it's a thought that's been on my mind all weekend.

Do human beings genuinely have an unalienable right to the pursuit of happiness?

This thought occurred to me after I came home from work late on Friday night, and the next thought to follow was The Pursuit of Happyness, the Will Smith movie with his (then) young son, Jaden. It chronicles the hardships of a single parent trying to survive in a rough business, and trying to keep life decent for himself and his son.

Smith's character saw an obligation through to the end and did everything he could for his son. I admire that.

But, I don't think I have that strength. Nor do I think that I need to have it, considering my present situation in life.



The real inspiration behind this post is my job. I'm qutting it in a little over a week. I think the day that I leave will be almost exactly one year since I started there. Not a good run, but my longest thus far. It's...chaos over there right now. I've hated the job for months now because of the customers, because of the low pay and poor tips, because of the terrible management...but I can't stand it anymore.

The people who do the same job as I are the majority of the employees in the company. They get the lowest pay; they deal with the worst of the customers. But lately, it seems as if everyone is as dissatisfied as I. There have been many occasions as of late when my co-workers have been calling in and not finding someone to cover their shift (usually because they can't), people not calling in or showing up, people refusing to come in to cover someone else's shift. No one wants to work anymore than the hours they've been given, and sometimes they don't even want to work that.

The management is...awful. The best manager is the youngest one--a kid I went to high school with. The other three just don't seem to give a fuck anymore. They wouldn't be there if they could find something else with a better paycheck, I'm fairly certain. Two of them always seem unhappy, they bitch the entire time that they're there, they'll occasionally disappear out to their cars to either A.) sit there and pop pimples in the mirror, maybe take a li'l nap, or B.) cry on the phone to the boyfriend and maybe smoke a blunt with him if he feels like stopping by. Those are also the two who will needlessly yell at everyone. Managers are supposed to encourage workers, not stress them out. One of those two managers is also probably one of the most two-faced people I know. She always acts like she loves me soooooooo much, and she told someone else today that I deserve to be fired, because I had an emergency and wasn't there...She's two-faced to everyone in such a way.

My GM...wow. Cool guy, really chill. Pretty clever when it comes to little things around the store, but he doesn't give a fuck either. Half the time that he's at the store, he's sitting out in his car, listening to people yell about conspiracy theories on the radio and smoking. He disappears sometimes, and I've heard people say that he goes to buy beer, but God knows if that's true. It wouldn't surprise me, because it's well-known that he'a an alcoholic. It's also a pretty common rumor that he once had a relationship with a worker who was underage at the time, but that doesn't really bother me. She's his little clone, they're a good match.

Coming back to my main point, I'm unhappy there. Incredibly so. And do I have the right to the pursuit of happiness?? If I'm miserable there, is it wrong of me to leave them in a time of chaos? My boyfriend tells me that they're a business, and it's their job to treat their employees properly as a part of their formula to create profits, and that my store in particular ought to be shut down. While I think that's a tad dramatic, he is right that it's a health hazard for them to force sick workers to come in anyway because the number of employees is presently down so low (one of my friends has been throwing up among other symptoms, and they're going to make her work at least part of her 9 hour shit tomorrow because they're so short-handed).


I don't know if I have the right to the pursuit of happiness, but I think that when I come close to snapping at least once per shift these days, it's probably a sign that I need to move on. So, happiness is the path that I shall attempt to follow.


Current Mood: contemplative contemplative

3/3/11 01:30 am - Chapter 1: Put down your fucking cellphone.

So the other day, after hearing me say two or three times that I hate certain groups of people, my father suggested to me that I blog when I've had an irritating day. At first, I thought, "screw you, don't treat me like one of your sponsors," but he's probably right. It's like keeping a journal, a good way to vent and organize thoughts. Shit, the site is called liveJOURNAL, right?

So I think that I'm going to try to at least post every now and then about specific events that I viewed negatively, or events and traits that I've seen again and again. I'm tired of spending so much time pissed off, and while that has a lot to do with my present job (interview for a new one tomorrow, yay!), it also has a lot to do with me.

Fair warning, I have a nasty mouth (it'll be expressing itself through my fingertips).



So here's Chapter 1: Put down your fucking cellphone.

We live in a technological society. I understand that. Shit, I'm hardly ever away from my cellphone for more than 30 minutes. I don't talk on it much because I'm quiet by nature, but I text on it all day long. I've already gone through 291 messages in the first 2 days of this month. And that may be a little sad, but I'm fine with that. I'm fine with other people being that way. I'm fine with some people going through as many minutes talking on their phones as I do messages. Do your thing, be social, whatever.

Here's the difference: when you're out in public, you need to recall that there are other humans on this planet besides the one with whom you are carrying on a conversation.

If you're ignoring anyone with whom you must interact out in public--mostly slaves of the service industry--you make them feel...insignificant. Insulted. Irritated.

In my experience, I've had people answer their phone while I'm taking their order, have a good 4 or 5 minute conversation, hang up, and then tell me that there was nothing else they wanted to add to their order. I've been told, "I don't want any fucking ketchup, THANK YOU," because I tried to ask a company-ordered inquiry of a man on his phone. I've had people not say one single word to me. Thrust their money out their window, take the change, grab their food, and nearly run me over on their rush to get out of the parking lot (still chatting away the whole time).

As another random citizen, I've seen that people do this all over the place (surprise, surprise, right??). Most of these people are holding up lines at grocery stores because they have a phone in one hand and they're fumbling around for their credit card with the other. They're also standing in the middle of the aisle with their full grocery cart, chit-chatting about how they've heard that the amount of carbs in this brand is off the charts, but Rhonda said that's not true. Excuse me! Tryin' to get through here. Do your research ahead of time, or move to the side of the aisle, hang up, and use that handy-dandy cellular device to Google it. K? K.

I respect the people who will tell the person on the other end to hold on for a moment, and finish their IRL interaction before continuing their conversation. I wish more people did that. I wish more people would stop being so selfish and self-absorbed, and put down their fucking cellphones.
Current Mood: awake awake

3/28/10 08:54 pm - What a rollercoaster.

I just need to bitch a little.
I've been in a mad mood most of the day, on top of the fact that today sucked.

It started with a really bad breakfast taco. Thanks for getting one for me, step-mother, but yuck.
It continued with not eating again until 7pm because Dad has needed to do some grocery shopping for about a week. The last few days, at mealtimes, I've been opening up and starting blankly into cabinets and the fridge because there's nothing there. Pieces of meals, but nothing to make something good and wholesome.

We put together my bedframe that we bought at Ikea a week ago. I've been without a bedframe the entire time we've been in this house--five years. I guess it's nice to have one, but now my room is entirely out of sync. I've had everything organized with a low bed in mind. Now I have to go through and reorganize and clean out and blahblahblah. I'm sure that's exactly what Dad had in mind, though. He's never been exactly subtle or sensitive when letting me know how disgusting he thinks my constantly dirty room is. Disgusting might not be the right word, but you get the point.

After the bedframe was set up, and Dad had gone off to nap, I started going through my two bookcases. One of the things that we discussed was that I should get rid of some books that I'm not likely to ever pick up again. I filled a medium-sized box (like what you would use for moving). At least 30 books. It was really, really hard on me. While it's true that I probably never would have read them again, they were BOOKS. Books have a special spot in my heart. There were a lot of people bringing full boxes into Half Price Books, so I was in there nearly an hour. $31.75. It's $31.75 more than I had before, but it's still sad when compared to how much that full box was probably worth when they were all brand new.

While I was there, I received a call from Dad asking where I was and telling me that he and the step-mother were going to dinner, and they'd bring something back for me if I wanted. Okay, fine.
So I came home, and they had already eaten and come back because the line was very short. My food was in the microwave. The fish was the only edible part. The broccoli seemed as if it had been steamed or kept under a heat lamp for an hour. The rice has a few dozen heaping tablespoons of black pepper in it. And Dad forgot that I used to get potatoes with my fish, not rice. But I'll forgive him for that, he's 61.

Next, I had a letter from the City of Austin. A $70 parking ticket. From December. I never saw anything on my windshield. Why am I JUST receiving a letter about this? Why is it so much? Why didn't the officer who issued the ticket leave it under my windshield? Plus, I don't even have $70 to my name, so I have to take even MORE money from my parents!

I wish Sonic would finish processing my paperwork so I could start working. I need the money. The Erwin Center is peanuts with how few hours we get.

Oh, and last part for now. I heard back from UT financial aid about half an hour ago. No scholarships. No grants. Exact same thing as last year. I have to go through the same hoops with them again. I have to tell them AGAIN that my father WILL be denied for a parent loan, because he's ankle deep in shit with the IRS and has been for...forever. After that, I have to make them double my personal loans again. What sorts of hoops do I have to jump through for these fucking people to give me a grant? I'm already nearly $10000 in debt from loans and I'm only 18!!!

GAHHHHHIYFGTNRHMFYHBF TDRFD2A 586B64985PYNU3M9WJRIQKmnqb ahgdrvr53i xgr87ph9[ ZEXR6D7TF6G8YUHY5643S78D56R67T89UHNYBVR57T6IYRUJHNTBG63R7FT8YTG75V8Rtgyhuybyghuyb67itbyhn8ujynhg7utyubG67T57R9T8YBH68T7UYHf96guhnjy7u8i


EDIT: Forgot to mention that in a moment of anger, I texted something very emo, and very unhealthy to my best friend. The response? "Haha, awesome." Who's watching out for me if you're not?
Current Mood: angry angry

3/15/10 03:37 pm - Spring Break, pt. 1

So, I spent the first weekend of spring break in Dallas, for the birthday party of a friend I hadn't seen in a year and a half. Had fun, but I am really hurting now.
We left early on Saturday, and played paintball that afternoon.

I had never played paintball before. And I'm generally not a fan of any sort of game involving any kind of gun, but I did actually have a lot of fun. There are only two things that could have made it better: 1.) less mud, 2.) if the team we were playing against didn't have two major ASSHOLES in theirs midst.

These guys...ugh. They shot at people who were already out of the game or out of ammo, and were walking out of the playing space with their guns held up, as we're supposed to. They shot at people from less than 20 feet (that's what causes welts). They continued to play and shoot like crazy even if they had been been shot multiple times by multiple people. They just made me soooooo mad. It took everything I had to not slap this one guy before we left. I have two welts from when they broke rules to shoot at me. They're both starting to turn into bruises. The funny part? It will look like someone gave me a good spanking.

That night, we saw Alice in 3d. I'd already seen it in 2d. It was still really good.

The next morning, we all felt soooo sore from all of the running and crouching and whatnot. After leaving Rowlett just before 10:30, we made it to Waco and then decided to make a detour to the Waco Zoo. I seriously don't think that I'd been to a zoo since my age was still in the single digits. It was kinda hot, and it took us a few hours to get all the way around, but it was a lot of fun.

This morning...I just plain hurt. Dx Hopefully I'll feel better by tomorrow.


Tonight, I'm going to see a movie with C. I really don't want to, but he won't get off my back.

Tomorrow, I might meet up with Co, L, and S to discuss possibly going somewhere during the break. It was Co's idea and she seems super excited about it, but I actually don't want to go to San An or Corpus. I don't have a lot of money, I don't get paid until the Monday after spring break (and it'll only be a little more than $100), and I don't want to borrow any money from my mother since she has to pay the $100 for my passport renewal in a few weeks. Plus, I just want to relax. It's a break. It's our last break until the last day of classes, May 7th. We don't get a single day off between next Monday and then.

Other plans...hmm...American Apparel is having a flea market type sale downtown later this week. Great sales. I'm going to go with A and T. Hopefully we won't get trampled by too many insane women.

Maybe celeb hunting down on the drag. I've never been out and about while SXSW is going on, so I've never seen any celebs in Austin. I'd like to.
Current Mood: sore sore

3/11/10 07:34 pm - Thinking back

It seems like I haven't blogged in forever, even though there's been a LOT to think about. I'm just glad that I only have two classes and then I've got SPRING BREAK. Hallelujah.

So what's been going on...

School. Schoolschoolschool. The last two weeks before break are always hell. I had two tests on the same day, yesterday. Jeeeeez! I need this break. Especially since I don't get another one until after the last day of classes, May 7th. Not until after finals, actually--after May 15th. And then immediately, I've got my nephew's baptism and then I'll probably be off to Costa Rica for a few days.

Mmmm...had to break a friend's heart, it was awful. He had developed a crush on me, but I've never seen him as more than a friend. He kept on liking me, which I guess is understandable, as feelings need time to fade and whatnot, but he wouldn't give up. He asked a mutual friend if he should ask me out a second time. She told him no. Talking to him was frequently awkward because he would get too flirty sometimes. Eventually, he tried to get me to date him again. He wore me down emotionally. Long story short, I had a boyfriend for about 6 hours. He told our mutual friend that he felt bad for forcing me, so she told him to give me an out. So he did. But in a way that made me look like a bitch (whether or not that was on purpose, I don't know). Things are a little weird between us right now, but we still talk some. I just want our friendship to go back to normal.


Let's seeeeeee...Still looking for another job. Everyone wants experienced candidates, and my only work experience is in two very unusual jobs that require no professional skills. Good news is that I've been working a little at the Erwin Center. Still difficult to get hours. I got to work a basketball game about 2 weeks ago. I worked the John Mayer concert and the Taylor Swift concert this week. I wish I would get that paycheck during spring break and not the Monday after. :/ I've got less than $20 to my name.


I just want this semester to be over.
Current Mood: sore sore

2/17/10 11:35 pm - Just some thoughts and writing

"I think...that I am going to like it here," she said decisively to herself.
All around her was chaos, but she felt safe. Qwela looked over her shoulder at the large metal beasts running up and down the hard, black, smelly path and smiled. They were loud, but they were not attacking the people around them. In fact, they habitually stopped to allow people to climb INSIDE them before taking off again. They even let some people out! The beasts appeared to be transporting the people.
"How odd," she thought, amused.
To her other side, Qwela saw large windows that showed the counterparts to the people walking around her, as well as things physically on the other side of the window. Magic windows. These counterparts must surely have been in another realm, living their own lives the same as THEIR counterparts here. Qwela's own counterpart had stopped to stare into a window, almost as if staring right into her eyes. It was a truly bizarre experience.
The people amongst her were dressed in a most bizarre fashion. Some wore very sleek, black garments with colorful things dangling from around their necks. Others wore bright, tight clothing with a lot of shiny jewelry. Some of the women even wore dresses!
"How old-fashioned."
While this new place was extremely fascinating, and certainly amusing, she began to have some doubts. So much noise! So many people were talking loudly to their companions, or into plastic rectangles held up to their ears. The metal beasts, while tame, were constantly rumbling, growling, and squawking at each other. Some people were using metal tools to alter the appearance of the smelly, black paths for the beasts, or the gray ones for the humans. Still others were using similar tools on the large cubes around her. People kept entering and leaving these cubes using cut-outs with swinging panels. They allowed these panels to slam shut.
So much noise!
Qwela quenched her eyes shut and took a deep breath. She needed to step away for a moment. She spotted a gap between two of the large cubes and quickly entered it, pushing past people who stood or walked where they pleased without regard to their fellow human beings. The opening was like a cave--dark and cold. If not for the rotten stench that filled it, she would have been reminded of home.
Home. How would she ever get back? This new place was interesting, and seemed fun, but she had to go back some time. Didn't she? What would she do without the tall trees, the omniscient pink sky? Who would she talk to if there were no two-lips, pixies, or selsies in this realm? She was already beginning to miss her Apa and her Aya--they were the only family she had left.
She had come to this world when a bright flash of white light went off before her eyes. If she could figure out what the flash had been, could she find it again and go home? This new realm could make a suitable home if she tried, but she felt as if she might go deaf before long!
"Back home," thought Qwela, "there are places where a lot of people live close together, and there are places where they live far apart. Perhaps this place is the same. Maybe, if I start walking, I can find a place with a smaller population. There, I can think. There, I can build a temporary home."
With a deep breath, she stood tall and faced the paths she had previously stood on. She would never get there if she did not start. She took her first step out of many.




What was that? I haven't any idea. It all started with the random thought, "I think that I am going to like it here." I just started writing. Not very creative, but...eh. I was originally going to type out some thoughts, too, but I'm tired now haha.

I'd just like to note first that today, for the first time EVER, a guy randomly gave me his phone number. xD I have no intent to contact him, but it was an amusing experience.
Current Mood: silly silly
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