random thoughts

Ok so it been a while and i'm not really in the mood for writing an entry atm but i saw thia on ali's page and wanted to try it for myself, may actually update this some time in the future. shame i never really have anything good to write about. Going through all the shit of the last year just to write it down may even be enough for me to try and top mysef again. think i'll hold off on that long update for a while

American Cities That Best Fit You::

65% Atlanta

60% Austin

60% Denver

60% Las Vegas

55% Philadelphia

randomness

You scored as Peter Pan. Your alter ego is Peter Pan. You are a child at heart. Anything you believe is possible, and you never want to grow up. </td> Peter Pan 75% Snow White 56% Ariel 56% Goofy 56% Sleeping Beauty 56% Cruella De Ville 56% Donald Duck 50% The Beast 50% Cinderella 44% Pinocchio 44% Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Democrat. <'Imunimaginative's Deviantart Page'> </td> Democrat 100% Anarchism 100% Socialist 92% Communism 83% Fascism 58% Green 50% Republican 8% Nazi 0% What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In? created with QuizFarm.com

so its been a while since i posted, i've just kinda got out of the habbit, but anyway since i haven't updated in aaaages here's a lot of happy holidays i've missed on saying

happy fireworks night
happy st andrews day
happy thanks givving (for any one who celebrated it)
happy eid
happy hannukah
happy christmas
happy new year

ok i think thats them all, phew thats a lot of holidays in two months.
can't be bothered with a whole big update entry but i do check this every so often so feel free to leave random comments and i'll get back to you

well i guess i can be glad about one thing, they didn't last the year since we are now at the aniversary of when i found out that andrew was cheating on me, god that is such a depressing thought, but i realised it's been a year this morning and i just got so depressed, dont be shocked if i'm incredibly down for the next few days, i mean more that usual of course (hmmm maybey it is a reason too worry, considering that i'm down a lot of the time anyway) oh well

i also realised today that even though i usually get depressed at this time of year and that this year its been far worse than i remember it beign last year, strange as that may seem, really strange actually, well i cant explain it but anyway i realised that despite this i've only completely lost it twice this year and even so i've not done anything as stupid as two years ago, thats what i realised this morning; that its been two years since i last cut myself, and the scars are still there, they're faint (nearly gone) but i can still see them, i see them every night before i sleep, and when i wake up in the morning. if i'm haveing a bad day i see them whenever i roll my sleeves up, but i guess this means i'm doing better? or does it mean that i'm doing worse? that i'm just better able to live like this, feeling half alive most of the time, without trying to find a release like i used to. who knows but i've decided to unprivate a previous entry and see if that halps, it might not, i'm not even gonna read it again incase i lose my nerve, but if you're a friend just remember that i dont feel now like i did when i wrote that, but that some days i do and on those days, well i feel crap all the time so i'm gonna let you read it if you want but dont go all nuts on me or anything ok?

I came to tell you
How it all began
Nothing seems to work out right
I'm broken down again
So hold me now
And say it's not forever
Maybe someday
In time
Things will go my way

who knows maybey i'll even be able to talk to people about what this is all about</html>

Its now the middle of October and i'm not sure why i'm writing this, nothing has changed since my last entry nothing at all, except everythings gotten much worse. I'm in a moment of sanity at the moment , i think, i'm not even sure anymore of who to listen to. You know how inside everyone's head there's always two sides, two different opinions about everything, two different reactions for everything that you do in a day and how most of the time these two alternatives conflict with each other; well these two sides are dissagreeing more and more often these days. It doesn't feel like conflicting thoughts anymore it feels like there's two people inside me who agree about nothing and are shouting at me all the time to be heard over each other, I dont feel like a whole person anymore I feel like i'm being pulled apart, that everything i do is the wrong thing for half of me but the right thing for the other half, gees this makes no sense, why am i even writing this no one cares nothing makes a difference this wont help. I just dont know what to do anymore, everything I do I let myself down and I let someone else down too, everything. none of this is any different from what i've said before but its worse than its ever been before i'm only writing this cause, i dont even know, i guess i'm writing this so i'm not just sitting thinking these things but instead i'm letting people know just how low i've been recently, letting myself realise how serious its getting, i dont know how much more i'm gonna be able to write before i go back on myself and decide this is a bad idea.

too late they're souting at each other again, i'm trying to ignore them but its hard, they're so loud, half the time i cant think from the noise. god shut up. shut up. i just need some peace for a few minutes to get this straight so i can figure what to tell people without letting one of them get the better of me. ok i feel i ndeed to better explain what i mean by them.
i said theres like two other people inside my head telling me what to do all the time tearing me apart well one of them makes me all depressed and sad, even suicidal at times, just makes me think everything through more than its sensible to think about things and when i listen to these thoughts i just get all closed in on myself and just want to be left alone in a corner to die where no one will notice. the other voice (cause thats what they are, they're stronger than stray thoughts now they have their own voices) gets me angry, gets me angry at myself and at other people that voice makes me want to be violent to lash out at someone, usually myself. and everytime i start to agree with one of these the other gets louder and louder till i have a pounding headache and cant even remember what was going on in the first place.

anyway the whole point of this entry, which i'm only gonna post for myself just now, untill i want people to know why i've been acting like i have, why i've done what i've done, why i'm probably gonna end up doing what needs to be done.

i broke down last night, i dont know how else to describe it, i couldn't control what i was doing i couldn't feel anything apart from the crushing headache but i knew that instant that they're winning they're destroying me and everypart of me was fighting against it, but at the same time i gave in. So far i've been able to ignore it to let the headaches get so much that thats all i can think about and forget what started them off, but last night it was like they were both fighting against me together, this makes no sense, and i gave into them i let them win and now thats tearing me apart even more, i listened to them what they said made sense, it all seems right.

i needed to write this now, i dont know if i've made it clear why but they're not here just now, well they are, they're always here but for now they're quiet, they know they've won, they're just out to depress me and they dont have to do anything at the moment to achieve that, i'me doing a good job all by myself today. maybey they'll be quiet more often now? cause they know they've broken me maybey they wont, maybey they wont need to try so hard the next time. oh god

right so where to begin, i'm not sure when my last entry was but it doesn't really matter cause a lot has happened since even if i updated on friday (dont think it was that recently but can't be sure). so here we go with a really dull(er than usual) entry i'm just gonna start with friday when me and bing went to college for a three hour session of physics, it wasn't as difficult as i'd been expecting, well it was but only cause it was too hot to concentrate right and i never had a calculator with me but the guy was saying nothing new i dont think anyway it was quite a while ago so i'm not quite sure. anyway me and bing were on our way down to the bus and i was feeling like i couldn't be bothered with going up town with ali and jen when we bumped into james round the back of the building, i was so shocked to see him after like six months i'm not even sure what i said to him but i have the feeling that i embarrased myself so after that i really didn't feel like going into town which turned out to be ok since jen and ali just came round and watched pirates (well i slept through most of it - thats a whole nother entry which isnt really worth righting anymore since i'm feling better now so lets not go there) and we wrote out an invite for people to join us on blackford hill for the fireworks on sunday night. nothing much happened on saterday so i'll skip straight to the fireworks.
the fireworks - simply the same attitude as all teenagers have on new years eve, its a reason to get drunk and have a laugh and its not ment to matter what time you drag your ass home. - well me ali and jen went up blackford hill so that ali could spend the fireworks with iain so for that part the evening was a success, we also all managed to get totally wasted, also a success, we didn't actually see any fireworks, no great loss there, jen met a guy called bob, good for jen, so far its sounding like a good evening, i met someone called maggy. uhoh this doesn't sound like we're on a positive track anymore, well that would be correct. well he still had drink and hash when we had exhausted our supply and he was willing to share so i kinda attached myself to him, for as long as the drink lasted (so i dont actually know how much i had to drink, a lot i think) but at some point we started pulling each other, hey ok no prolems there but we were starting to get really into each other by now and i'm not sure how what happened next came to happen, i just remember him walking me away from the rest of the crouds and then we were alone, i keep replaying this in my head again and again and i dont know what was going through my head at the time, (probably just a lot of alcohol) so i dunno but once i started to sobre up i just wanted to cry, how could i have been that stupid? i dont know this guy, i dont remember getting his number, i dont know how old he was and why why why did we not use a condom, the rest i can almost forgive myself for, it would still have been incredibly stupid but not on quite a phenominal scale.

so after that elle chummed me into town on monday to go to the brook and i got even more scared, they've told me i'm to go back in a couple of weeks for a test just to make sure the pill worked and that i didn't pick up any diseases, its unlikely but i'm still worried. i'm not looking forward to having to explain a five hour "doctor appointment" that has no parent note to go with it to my guidance person especially since i'm at open days today (tuesday) and wednesday so i'll have notes for both of those but not for monday, and strange at it seems i dont particularly feel like lying. of course that sounds mad but i dunno its like this may have needed to happen just to get some sense back into myself to wake up to reality as it were, seeing as i'd been walking round like a zombie all last week. oh i dunno what i'm gonna do, about anything.

in lighter news it was the strathclyde open day today which was kinda scarey, the place was huge which scared me and the main building was just a little bit shabby, but then it is like 100 years old so i guess they can be forgiven, the other buildings were nice though but all of the mini lectures i went to were totally packed with people :-S and not many women there either, i'd kinda expected that but it was still a shock. oh and i loved the halls they had one open to show people and it was an example of the cheapest ones you could get and i really wouldn't mind living in one of those, it was a flat, four bedrooms a lounge / kitchen area and a toilet and shower room which is fine and its all like in a flat so you wouldn't bee walking down a corridor to get to a shower (that was one of my worrys about the cheap halls) so i wouldn't mind staying there but mum (jokingly) said that if i was going to strathclyde i could get the train in every day seeing as the uni is right next to the station, NNNOOOOOOOOOOOO i hope she was joking about that.
ok but its off to glasgow tomorrow (again) i dont know if i want it to be better than strathclyde or not but i hope its as good as so that that way i can say i wont mind going to either

but for now lets hope i can sleep tonight without replaying sunday night in my head yet again.
god i do hate myself at times

hello people, well ok hello ali ( it dont think anyone else chacks lj everyday) so i'm in school in my monster set of free periods on a thursday i have periods 2,3 and 4 free which isnt too bad but its crappy having a double free when no one else does, i mean bing does but we dont talk that much and even if the first hour is ok the second hour will drag on no matter what you do and its not even like its only three hours of sitting doing nothing, when you add on break and lunch that means i have a FOUR hour break between myclasses AND THEY WONT LET ME GO HOME DURING IT. i get that the school want you to be working but i really don't have enough work to fill all of my free lessons, woe is me. i know i'm whineing and other people dont feel like they've got enough free's but its like the spice girls said "too much of nothing is not enough, too much of something is just as tough" ok i dont have any other news well not much anyway so i'm gonna go and try and amuse myself
toodles

hee hee cant be bothered with a real entry but whenever ali does anyof these i feel obliged to do them too



and another







these are so much better that quizilla's

ho hum what to say lots really but it wont turn out like that cause i dont want to go into detail on any of it really
right so nothing will be happening with david, which i am pretty releaved about, being realistic i couldn't really see much happening in the first place.
had a huge fight with mum tonight i was just so angry with her i felt like i was gonna throw up at one point, you know i was totally furious at her.
hmmmmmmmm got loads to do tomorrow including jimmys cinema and going to school to change my courses, i'd better watch myself cause thats one other place where i'm quite angry so mrs lammont had better not give me too much grief cause i dont think i could take it at the moment.
what else, oh yeah i hope its ok about tomorrow, my bringing gilli and jenny along cause i dont want to leave gilli tomorrow not after tonight well anyway gotta go, like i said i dont wanna give details, it'll wind me up again and i dont want that yet