What's missing?

I've asked myself so many times. I keep looking for it, but I can't seem to find it.

My Zen Teacher taught me that people aren't in the moment so they have a hard time enjoy it.

My first psychology professor taught me that people believe that they are bad and then that manifests.

My second influential psychology professor taught me that people do bad things because they are out of touch with love.

But what am I looking for? Why can't I be satisfied with my friendships, relationships, hobbies, life?

It always feels like I'm trying to fit a square into a hole for a circle. You can bend it if the material is soft enough, but it'll never be a circle. It's just a quick fix.

I learned from meditating that I have a lot of unresolved issues and that everyone else does too.

I learned from Tarot that we have patterns and themes in our lives and that we should try our best to learn from them.

I learned from martial arts that only by being disciplined can you reach your goals.

What am I missing though? What hole am I trying to fill in my personality? It's like that itch I can't scratch, so you thrash around and hope something gets at it.

Maybe it is spiritual after all. Maybe that's just where I'm supposed to be. Following my own path.

How much should I hold on to?

How much should I let go?

Forget, Remember

Remember, Forget

The never ending cycle of my life.

Yeah it's annoying. I find it obscenely boring. When people aren't living up their lives. To always be burdened by responsibility. We have the rest of our adult lives to feel responsible. For the well being of our home, our family, and our finances.

I just wanted to burst out of this shell of a life. This world scraped together from pieces of insecurity and worries. SO I did.

It starts with wanting to. Then it's the clothes. Then it's the way you think. Then it's how you feel.

It's such a simple way to change who you are. If you're unhappy then make change. If you're lonely then go out. If you're afraid just keep trying.

The future can be pretty bleak. So I'll do the things I can right now. I'd rather experience the world when I'm young and have a sense of novelty, then when I'm old and cynical.

I hope everyone does their best to live up their lives.

Cheers to Stepping Up.

There isn't anything left to say to you. The chances are that the story is about to run its course. The only thing left is for us to watch as the pages crawl under our fingers. I can't let go of the days that we shared, the memories we made together. How can you ask me to let the distance between us grow?

The questions you asked me yesterday, I still haven't found the answers for you. The footprints we left in the sand as the sunset on the horizon are all being washed away by the restless seeing where we came from I want to give us another chance. Saying that we're living in the present, we drift away from the moments.

This is just me writing some feelings down to some music. I'm sure everyone can understand the restlessness of growing apart from friends.

Face the present before you think about looking at the future.

I figured I'd start off the summer with 10 things I Hate and Love about myself. I think most people will find that the second list is harder to fill up. This isn't meant to be a quiz to fill out, but I did it to help me clear my head.

10 things I hate about myself.
1.I ground myself in a single individual and hope to the gods that person doesn't pull away.
2.I don't think I've matured enough to be able to like someone.
3.Sometimes when I'm really hurt, I still can't bring my lips to move.
4.I do a lot to cover up for my two fears.
5.I rag on myself sometimes for not being able to do more for other people.
6.Sometimes I wish I could figure out how to be more tactful sometimes.
7.Hates that I'm selfish and don't realize it a lot of the times.
8.I don't have the motivation to accomplish things I need to do.
9.I tend to get wrapped up in other people's problems.
10.I have this penchant for over analyzing my own problems to the point that they start becoming irrational.

10 things I love about myself.
1.I despise the idea of drugs and only tolerate light drinking.
2.Regardless of what I do within healthy means I stay at 140 lbs.
3.I can find enjoyment in anything I do.
4.I am decent at objectively analyzing the situation. (most of the times)
5.I am good at researching things when I'm interested.
6.I am a decent writer.
7.I am dedicated to growth of my friends which in turn is also growth for myself.
8.I try my best no matter how stupid something may seem.
9.I try to make the best choice as quickly as possible
10.Sometimes, I choose the salad instead of the steak.

Just got my new blades today. And just damn. I'm so happy I decided to spring for them. It's amazing.

All those hours I put into practicing on those crappy 10 year old blades in the past week.

It was like riding on air when I used my new ones! LOL. No not air treks. like my feet were on clouds and they were just carrying me. It was one of the best feelings in the world.

Cause when I ride, there's that point. That point where everything else just seems insignificant. That point where you're so focused, that there's no room to worry about anything else, not about family, not about the future, not about anything.

That's one of the reasons I ride.

To be
F
R
E
E

Breeding pokemon is hard!!!

I've been trying to breed myself a male girafarig with an admant nature. As of yet, I have yet to breed myself a single one.

And just on a side note, I don't understand how a Houndoom and a female Girafarig would get it on. Awkward Giraffe!

I finally settled on a female Girafarig named Mina. I had to do a little rearranging in my breeding workbook, but I didn't really care too much after a while.

The next pokemon I have to breed is Tappi. Male Girafarig. Admant nature probably. lol

Sipping on some earl grey creme tea. I kind of wish I didn't have to crawl out of bed today. -_-'

It's cold and I'm lazy.

There isn't anything I can say to make the situation any better, but it doesn't mean I can't be satisfied with the start of it.

P.S. Tea is good.

Yeah I know I've been somewhat cryptic lately.

I'll put it simply. I feel like I'm trying to call out, but my voice isn't reaching. The frequency isn't the same anymore. The dissonance hurts my ears and my heart.

Longing to hold someone in my arms again. To not be cold anymore.

If I keep running and climbing, I won't have to feel anything right? The emptiness won't be remembered?

If I keep not eating more than a meal a day, would the hunger replace the heartache?

What if I never get out of these circumstances? Will I suffocate from the pressure?

Sincerely Yours,
Also