I think i'll be writing like a bit of everything; my day and how i feel, my obsessions, some thoughts floating around in my head... Whatever I wanna write, really.
Not too much has happened in my life, but at least its not nothing. Thatd be hella boring. I recently got into fnaf, so thats cool. Ive wanted to play it ever since i was like 7 or 8 and i found it on the school chromebook, so i decided to try it out. Now im in a fnaf phase. I might try to make the animatronics in the future with my qpp. Just not the dead kids part (i saw quite a few spoilers when i was younger while hanging out in fnaf spaces on the internet). On Thursday, i volunteered at a carnival at the elementary school in my town. It was pretty fun and i plan on volunteering next year too. When we were putting the games and candy up, me and my friend got some sugar cookies. So that was nice. I made some pixel art in school yesterday... Ive barely done crap today tho. Watched some stuff, ate breakfast, and now im sitting in my bed, typing as my cat sleeps in my lap. I do think ill try to get in contact with my old neighbor soon. Its been years since weve talked. My guardians took my smart phone, so i didnt get the chance to write down her number before factory resetting my phone. Now all i have is this flip phone, but its better than nothing at all. Ill send her a letter with my number on it and give some updates, as ive changed a lot since i moved out of Florida into my new home. I also plan on selling jewelry i dont wear at school next week. I have a friend whos already interested in buying a bracelet. I might also sell cookies sometimes, but i cant let my guardians know that im selling it. Anyways, thats all i got for now.
Hi. Yes, I am not dead. I have returned after like a million years. I have an early curfew now at 8:30 just because i wasnt ready for school one day. Also got my music device taken up along with my only pair of working headphones and im slowly going insane. I joined FCCLA this year. I've been making cookies for the bake sales at my schools home games. I also plan on going to a leadership conference in Waco on Monday and after that, ill be in a homecoming parade since next week we have our homecoming. Tomorrow, ill be going to the State Fair of Texas. So yeah, busy weekend. Lots of plans. Thats pretty much all ive got.
Today was nice. I made a new friend at school today. He is a new student at my school this year. Usually the new students who come here seem to easily and quickly find and join a friend group, but he didnt. Hes in like half of my classes and lunch and hes always sitting alone, talking to no one. I wanted new friends, plus i thought it probably made him feel lonely to have no friends at a new school, so i approached him and invited him to my table at lunch. At lunch, we asked each other questions to get to know each other better and i discovered that we had similar interests. What caught my attention the most was that he also liked Deltarune. When he told me he loved that game, i was going crazy on the inside. In the last class of the day, which i shared with him, an older friend gave me a game website that had Undertale and Deltarune on it. So then, me and my new friend played a tiny bit of chapter 3 together. Im proud of myself for making a new friend. I usually waited for others to approach me in the past, but i decided to be brave this time. About my ex, who i broke up with about a month ago, i kinda miss him i think. I just cant bring myself to burn the paper i had written his address and number on, and i cant delete his contact. I guess i just lied to myself before. Or the daily caffeine for 5 days prevented me from feeling too upset about anything. Theres no point in going back, tho. He hurt me, wouldnt listen to my complaints, wouldnt accept that i was a dude just cuz i have stress balls made of humam flesh attached to my chest. Sometimes i think of going back to him to be friends, but then i remember that and im like, no, Stu, he hurt you. You deserve someone better than him. Im not crying over it, tho, so at least theres that, i guess. Anyways, thats all ive got to share. Besides adding that my math teacher this year cant teach for shit and im probably gonna get yelled at for failing that class, ive got nothing else to write about.
I just logged in after a while. I havent really had any fun events to write about and share, but now i do. So, yesterday was very eventful. I was out of the house for most of the day. First, we went to go see my uncle's parents. My other uncle was there, so i was finally gonna get the haircut i desperately wanted. I hate having long hair, as it makes me look even more like a girl than shorter hair does. Anyways, my other uncle cut my hair down to my chin. When i told him i wanted that, my uncle and cousin tried to change my mind i guess? They thought it wouldnt be good on me? They wouldnt be able to change my mind, anyways. In fact, after it was done, everyone absolutely adored the haircut that i got. For hours, i was screaming in happiness on the inside. I didnt look very masculine, but at least it was more so than before, when my hair was nearly down to my armpits. I also went to see a car race with my uncle. Oh yeah, ive also started school. The teachers seem nice. Theres a new law in my state where we cant have phones, though. It makes the day feel long and boring since i barely have any friends AND i have only 1 or 2 classes with each of those friends. We should be getting chromebooks that we can take home on Tuesday, though. Also, i think im just a dude at this point. About that, i might come out to my family as trans, but i dont know for sure. Ive been thinking of it, but im worried that they wont accept me. Anyways, i dont know what else to say.
Quite a bit has happened in the last few days. About 4 days ago, i broke up with my bf cuz he cheated on me. Apparently he thought it wasnt cheating cuz he was curious about what itd be like to suck a dick. Ugh. It pissed me off so much. He wouldnt even listen to how upset i was and avoided apologizing for cheating on me with a random ass dude. Must i add that he thought i was controlling him by telling him that he shouldve asked me before he did that to make sure i was ok with it? Fucking insane. A day after our breakup, his apparent new gf texted me. Sounded like a pick me. Called me a bitch and loser and told me to "keep your herpe having ass away from my man"... Like bitch hello?? Idek u?? Besides that, lifes been good. I feel braver and much more confident than i used to. I want to try new things that i was scared of before, like getting a piercing and maybe even a tattoo.
Today was eventful, despite the fact i was in my room all day. Me and my boyfriend of 8 months just broke up because he cheated on me and lied to me about a few things. He wouldnt listen to how i felt, at least it seemed like that. So yeah, cried a lot and now i cant even tell how i feel. I did stumble upon some messages from when we loved each other, though, and for a minute, my heart felt empty and i felt so alone. I hope im able to find someone else once i heal. This is gonna be a really hard time for me.
Im writing this on the 20th, but its getting close to the 21st, and i have quite a bit to yap about. Anyways, im finally admitting to myself that im a transmasc genderfluid. For a while, id try to convince myself that i was a cis girl cuz i just kept getting misgendered and shit. But no, im not cis, and im tired of pretending that i am. Anyways, i found an actual good binder alternative that works pretty well. I have this little cotton A cup bra that i wore when i was in elementary and i brought it along with me to my new home cuz i was still in the process of healing from the death of my parents and back then, i wanted to keep everything they gave me. Last year, me and my aunt went to Walmart and she got me this medium sized sleeping bra that was made of nylon. Then this year, at the mall in Victoria's Secret, my aunt told me to get a comfy bra to sleep in, so i got a medium sized cotton training bra with removable padding. I just tried all three on to see if itd actually work, and it made my chest look pretty flat compared to without em on. That made me really happy. I still live with my family, and im not too sure what their views on trans people are, so i wasnt gonna be asking them to get me a binder. Thats all i wanted to say.
Yesterday was nice. Got out of the house for a while. I went to see the eye doctor so i could get some new glasses. This time, i chose those metal frame ones. The last two plastic ones ive had would break, and my current ones are too big and easily slip off of my face. Then we stopped at Chuuys for lunch. I got cheese enchilladas. Then we went to a mall. I got the Deftones Diamond Eyes Record, some cute pins, a studded belt, and graphic tees, but mostly band shirts. I bought most of my stuff at Hot Topic and Spencers. We also stopped at Sam Moon and i got some necklaces. I got bracelets, but theyre too big. Makes me hate having such tiny wrists. Thats all i have to share.
Im feeling alright rn, but ive usually just been feeling like shit. My anxiety has been going crazy, my memory is deteriorating... Yeah. Tomorrow, ill be going to Fairfield to get some figs with some family members. Anyways, ive also just been feeling lonely. Things arent going well between me and my bf and im so worried that i annoy him with my clinginess. Im also worried that ill lose him. He means so much to me. This is the happiest relationship ive ever been in, and thinking of losing such a sweet, patient, and understanding dude fucking hurts and makes me feel so alone.
Today has been more eventful. Went to have lunch with my uncle and went clothes shopping for school. Got some new shoes, a couple of pairs of shorts, a lot of socks, and a few graphic tees. Wish i could get some tank tops, but i highly doubt that my school would be happy with that... Hell, my best friend was told to take off his clip-on earrings. Ridiculous. Anyways, i do hope to get some studded belts and pins this year. Some band t shirts and graphic tees, too... I hope i go to Hot Topic and Spencer's. I know theres these two studded belts i found on the Hot Topic website i really want. One is black and dark blue, the other one has skulls on it. This year at school, i hope to actually find some people interested in joining my band. I plan on making a rock/metal band. Last year, i wanted to find some band members, but talking to new people just scares me. I tried making band members needed ads with my currently only other bandmate Lilly (back-up vocals; im lead vocals), but i never really finished em and hung em up somewhere in the school. Not too sure what the band name will be, though. At first, Lilly and i agreed on the name Brainseed, but i noticed this other artist on Spotify that went by the same name, and i dont wanna get in trouble for that. Also need to save up for a mic. My boyfriend insisted on buying a mic for me once he had enough money, but i plan on paying him back eventually, whether he likes it or not, cuz that shits expensive. Anyways, i guess thats all i have to say.
