.::Life According To Me::.

Time:

12:48 pm.

So I'm turning to livejournal again to do a brain dump on all of the stuff that I've been thinking about. I find it funny that I've had this journal since I was about 15 and I'm 22 now. So much has changed but especially myself and worldview it's nuts! I'm contemplating perhaps starting an all new journal and leaving this behind as an attempt to reflect the new sense of self that I have but it's also nice to have this journal track my thought pattern from then until now. Anyhow, onto the good stuff.

It's officially been about 8 months since I've graduated from college. It's gone by very quickly but I think what surprises me the most is the fact that while graduating, being at school was my existence, and now 8 months later that whole experience is fast becoming this distant memory.

WORK
I've been living at home since graduating. During the summer and fall afterwards I was working at Starbucks making money trying to figure out what exactly my career aspirations were and applied to a few jobs that didn't work out. In January I was able to get a temporary position at Northeastern University until about August, which was great because it's allowed me to quit my job at Starbucks, which was slowly eating away at my psyche. I'm getting paid a lot better, however, it's because I'm a full time worker now which has been quite the adjustment. 8 hours everyday has been kind of rough..Having to get up before the sunrise EVERY DAY was really tough at first but now I've somewhat gotten used to it.

The important thing is that now I have more money in my bank account than I've ever had before and now I'm all about saving money. All throughout college I was pretty fiscally irresponsible. I had jobs for about 3 years of my time there however most of my money went to partying, clothing, or random university expenses and I just didn't have the presence of mind to put away much. I've definitely learned the value of a dollar and now that I'm out of school can see the reality that not having much money REALLY affects my life in a way it never did while I was at the safety net of school.

So for now I'm sucking shit up working at this 8:30-4:30 that I am not passionate about at all and does not align with my interests. In addition to the good money I'm making I do feel like I'm gaining a valuable work experience though in terms of the skills I'm getting out of it so it's a mixed bag.

PLAY
Socially however I am utterly dissatisfied with my life right now. Living at home has been quite the adjustment after having the freedom and privacy I had for the last 4 years. None of my best friends from school are in Boston which has made it so difficult to try and carve out some sort of pleasurable social life. During the summer I actually managed to have a lot of fun because I usually hung out with my co-workers at Starbucks who were around my age and still in college so definitely had the same mindset. We also had smoking in common which was great. But since the fall, we all kind of had different things going on, then different work schedules, and steadily began to see each other less. I then ended up leaving and starting my new position so I haven't really seen any of them. And judging by the lack of communication I've experienced from them it's definitely telling of how temporary our bond was. Which I've come to decide is fine. It was great hanging out during the summer but especially two of the people I was hanging out with I could tell by their personalities and attitudes that they just weren't really gonna be long-term friends. I had fun at the time and if there's a life lesson I've learned after college it's that people come and go as well as how to discern who's worth making an investment in and who's not.

I've connected with some Brown alum who are in Boston as well and have actually had a pretty good time hanging out with them a few weekends..however most of them are actually here away from home with their own apartments and also living with their significant others. A life I'm actually pretty envious of. Given these facts, it's like they're not in the same position as me that has to try really hard to build some sort of life here. Which is whatever, I'm not gonna try and force my way into friendships.

I just feel restless and solitary and I hate it. I want to live on my own, and I want to be around people who I have solid emotional investments in who have them in myself. My best friend lives in New York with her boyfriend as well and I just feel like New York has so much more to offer me than Boston. So, the plan tentatively is to stay stuck at this annoying position until the summer to save up enough money and just move. Even it was to sublet for a few months I just can't take being in Boston anymore. But the fact that I have to wait months SUCKS.

If there's any lesson I feel like I have to take out of this it's how I have to take this time to continue building and evolving myself alone. I want to read more, I want to develop productive habits, I need to continue to mature in self-sufficiency and how I spend my time...and pretty much not having a stable social life affords me the time to do this but it still sucks nonetheless and is not the type of situation I'm used to.

SOCIAL MEDIA
Which kind of relates to the changing feelings I'm having with regards to social media. Since graduating, Facebook has pretty much become the medium through which I feel is the only way to connect with the peers that I know as well as some close friends, however I'm getting so fucking sick of it. If anything after graduating, I've been able to discern which friendships actually count for something and which friends were merely friends out of the convenience of the situation. There are people I've barely heard from. Yes, we're all in different cities doing different things which is understandable however I've always been a believer of putting in effort into friendships regardless. I'm tired of the annoying posturing on facebook and being subjected to the trivial points of view of a large majority of people who have absolutely NO impact or meaning in my lived life. I've often thought about deactivating my account. It's become this daily habit that isn't providing me with any sort of satisfaction, if anything annoyance at seeing all these people who...for at least right now don't have a single impact in my life whatsoever. I'll more than likely be making the decision to get rid of it after my birthday. I at least wanna feel the love on my birthday and see who gives a damn about actually throwing a well wish my way..I definitely think it says something.

Twitter, on the other hand has been a little different. I've had a Twitter account for about a month and a half and have a substantially smaller social circle than on Facebook, however, I've had so much fun using it. I've fully embraced the idea of being able to tweet the mundane to the important and not feeling inhibited or censored. This is opposed to facebook which I feel has become this universalized generic medium where again, I'm connected to people who ultimately don't matter at all. I'll definitely be preserving my twitter account.

I also had plans on updating about my evolving relationship with my sexuality, sexual experiences, and identity which, in the ensuing months after college have been a steady subject that I've come to see with new eyes that's been both utterly confusing yet wholeheartedly liberating at the same time but I feel like I've already written a book so I'll save that for another post.

somebody save me

Time:

2:15 am.

I have grown in so many ways it's amazing over the past two years. From 17-19 it feels like more than that. I think that this year at 19 that I have grown up the most. It's been the best and worst experience. I'm still me, but a me that has changed and a me that is continuing to change rapidly. I'm excited, proud, terrified, curious and a million other adjectives about what has been and what is to come.

somebody save me

Time:

11:53 pm.

Right now I'm home from my first semester of college. I hate working, so much. I hate it. I hate having to get up at 7:00..grrr

Anyway about college, I've had a few weird encounters with some people but still have yet to engage in any sexual activity whatsoever. Of course, typical. Life is incredibly annoying sometimes.

Also, why the hell is it so hard to make friends in college? I mean sure I have friends and I know a lot of people but that doesn't really mean anything. I'd say I have about 2 people who I really consider my closest friends at school, but it's still the kind of closest you get from only knowing them 3 months. I was really close with this one person but then somehow shit happened and got weird and needless to say we drifted apart in three fucking months. It irritated me a lot but it's college and I guess things can be hit or miss. I've learned a few things about myself and one of them is I don't like caring about people that don't care about me. So whatever, fuck that. We had some good times but there are plenty of other people.

Anyway, I'm going back to school in approximately 3 weeks and am definitely planning on making second semester a million times better than the first. How exactly I'm not too sure but I do know that it's going to have to involve my attitude/reactions to things.

In short, I'm done making myself vulnerable to other people. I give, and I give, and I give a lot to people when trying to be friends and I've realized very rarely if ever do I get it in return, and I'm done with it.

2 saved me somebody save me

Time:

3:41 pm.

For some reason I feel stifled by this journal now. Before I never did but now I do. Like there's stuff I want to talk about but I feel too scared to actually really express them. I've been wanting to start a new journal for a while now so I think I'm going to once I figure out a new username.

1 saved me somebody save me

Time:

1:24 am.

Today went to work, it was alright. The highlight of my day was ordering Sushi for lunch.

So it turns out my roommate does have a facebook. Except his first name is different, but I saw that his e-mail address is the same name they gave me in my housing info so I'm assuming he goes by his middle name or something. Anyway, just by looking at his facebook (which of course is the most legit way to judge someone right?) he seems like the complete opposite of me. He does crew I think, he left me a message saying he looked forward to partying with me, and in the pictures I saw it looks like he parties a lot. So a jock who parties a lot paired with me, hah interesting. He seems pretty nice, but of course I haven't actually talked to him save for communicating through facebook. I hope we end up getting along.

I called Katie tonight to see what was up since she said she really needed to talk to me and briefly she told me her and John broke up. (By the by they've been going out for like 4 years). At first I didn't really believe it because it's happened before but she said otherwise. She couldn't talk long because she was sleeping over someone's house so I told her I'd call her tomorrow night.

Whlie I was at work Pat called me and I asked if I could call him after but he said he'd Probably be busy, but the way he said it it seemed kinda cold so I just said I'd try to call him on my break, which I never did. I was returning his call from the other night when supposedly he and Angela had been hanging out and then invited me to go to the movies. I didn't go. So I mean things with Angela are for right now done, she hasn't called me. I dunno about Pat. I guess we'll talk about it tomorrow.

Mary called me and invited me to go to Canobie Lake Park tomorrow, which is an amusement park, which was a pleasant surprise. I haven't been hanging out with anyone really (hence the friend drama) so it'll be nice to go out. I'm glad she called.

2 saved me somebody save me

Time:	2:57 pm.
Mood:	tired.

I'm so sleepy right now and I don't know why, maybe it was because I just took a shower? Anyway, I'm tired of summer, and I just want to go to school.

I got my housing information yesterday. I'm living in what is known as the party dorm on campus. At first I was a little put off by it. I stayed in another building that's attached to the one I'm in (It's a Quad of buildings) when I went to visit. I had a feeling I was going to end up in that Quad though because on the housing survey I said I'd rather study in the library than in my room (Obviously I'm sure the computer didn't base it off of this ONE result but I'm sure it added to it). The Quad I'm in is the closest pretty much out of all the others to the libraries and the buildings where classes are, like legit 3 minutes away so that's the good part about it.

My only concerns are doing laundry because there are barely ANY laundry rooms. And I'm worried that it's going to be loud all the time or at least loud when I don't want it to be. Supposedly where I am shouldn't be that bad at all so we'll see since I'm in the basement part I think. After a while I started to become ok with where I am so I'm just going to hope for the best and make the most of it. The best advantage is that it's right there closest to everything and it houses over half the freshman class so meeting new people should be easy I guess.

My roommate is from Ontario Canada and doesn't have a facebook so wasn't able to find him there. I guess I'm gonna try and e-mail him if he doesn't call me. I hope he's cool and all that jazz and we get along. Now I'm off to go eat.

3 saved me somebody save me

Time:

1:26 pm.

I found out yesterday that I got into a Freshman Seminar for this fall called "Shakespeare In The Present Tense" which is basically tracing the themes and such of Shakespeare's work through modern adaptions etc..so I was pretty pleased. Now, once orientation starts I have 3 more classes to pick. One of them is going to be a Language class (since I found out what I placed in due to my AP Spanish grade), another will be an Intro to Acting and Directing class, and for the last I'm not really sure. I can say that there's a high likelihood it won't be math. ever. Unless my academic advisors suggest it and can convince me to take Introduction to Calculus.

I called up Angela two days ago and we had our big argument. Long story short, she doesn't call me as much anymore because we've gotten into arguments in the past where I said all she does is talk about herself and her life (which is true) and she said that if I had something to say about my life to her then she assumed I would just call her (except I already call her anyway) and she said that certain things she has to say I've said I won't want to hear it (which is partially true yet I end up hearing about it anyway) so that's why she's been calling me less.

Anyway I told her that it wasn't ok with me even though it was ok with her and to not expect me to call her to try and followup with the discussion. So yeah, we'll see if she actually calls. If not, then I guess our friendship is pretty much over because I've given a lot and took the initiative and if she can't even bother to actually call me and followup with it then it's for the best.

I can't wait to get a new phone! I really want a nice phone once I go off to school. The one I have now is ncie and everything but I've had it for two years and my contract expires really soon anyway...that and I usually need to have a changeup every so often. I've been looking at T-Mobile and I really am debating between getting a Sidekick 3 or Sidekick ID. I've heard that T-mobile has fine reception in Providence and I've heard that it's alright, only when you're outside, not in the dorms...and that AT&T is the best.

So I saw the phones at At&T and of course I want an iPhone. I could buy it and everything but I think it's just a little too much..so if I end up going with At&T i'll probably end up getting one of the 190 million versions of the blackberry that they have.

3 saved me somebody save me

Time:

5:43 pm.

So last night I'm at home watching tv and Pat calls. I pickup to a voice that clearly isn't Pat's and get hung up on a mere 5 seconds later. I then decide to call back and Mihran answers. I already could tell something was up just by the way he sounded so then Pat eventually got on the phone. Turns out they were both drunk and high at Pat's house while his parents were down the Cape.

So I was talking to him finding it amusing because we hardly ever get to get drunk together with the exception of Prom because he's always usually the driver. Then he says how he actually feels happy as opposed to feeling like shit like he normally does. I asked him what that was about and he basically said that he still feels guilty over his friend committing suicide because apparently the kid had reached out to him. This happened almost a year ago I think. Pat said he thinks about it everyday and I mean obviously this was a shock to me because he would never bring it up or talk about how he was feeling to any of us. He said it was because he didn't want to burden us with his problems.

Then we got to the topic of Angela and he was saying how he was fine with being "second best" meaning he always saw it as Angela and I being the best friends and he was second best to her and to me. And he said that he likes both of us a lot and we deserve to have each other as best friends and stuff. I was still kind of surprised by it all because he's never said anything. Right now though it's definititely not the case with me and Angela.

So I basically told him to be careful and not to drive because he had planned to go out after they had sobered up a little. I told him to either call or text me today to let me know that he was ok but he hasn't yet. I went on facebook and he's commented on people's walls and stuff today so I'm assuming he's alright, but it still would've been nice of him to call me or something..although last night he did say he had a busy day today.

It kinda makes me sad that he said all of that, and I'm planning on talking to him hopefully about it because he shouldn't have to be bearing that burden and bottling inside all this time.

Angela texts me last night and tells me of this party that this girl Donnah is having and invites me basically. She said she would call today about the details but I still haven't gotten any phonecall. I was planning on using her calling me as the time to actually talk about our friendship because right now I'm not even sure we're going to be friends come this fall despite both of us being in the same city.

1 saved me somebody save me

Time:	10:45 pm.
Mood:	contemplative.

I've been working so much this week! Since two people went on vacation in my department I've had to pick up more hours and have been working 7 hours starting in the morning everyday since Sunday...with the exception of today where I worked 5 hours from 3-8 for a combined total of around 33 hours of working this week to my accusotmed 20. Yeah, I'm not doing this shit again. Seriously I cannot wait to go off to school! I hate my job. I'm thinking about having the second to last week of August be my last actually week of working, if not then it'll be the week before that, which only leaves me around 3 more weeks or so to go?

Angela texted me while at work asking if I wanted to do anything tonight. Wow. At first I was like "wow she's actually initiating contact?" but then again I was like "Wow, she couldn't even bother to call me? She had to text me?" but if I gave her the benefit of the doubt then she might've thought I was working..which I don't believe.

Now that I've kind of not really been invested in pretty much all my friendships right now I find myself focusing on my goals more, which I like. I think it really shows how much I've grown. Before, I would've become depressed over the fact that my 'friends' have been pretty much treating me the way they have been and would've been thinking about it a lot, but now I don't. I haven't even bothered to call Angela or Liz for that matter. I don't even know if Angela's and I's friendship will survive..Liz I already know ours won't..it ended ended a long time ago way before we took those failing steps at rebuilding our friendship and for the first time I'm completely ok with it as opposed to being naive and wanting to try and giv eit another chance.

Right now the only closest friend I'd say I have is Pat, and I even talked to him about my concerns with Angela.

Anyway like I said, I've been focusing on my goals more and more and really can't wait to actually go out and start taking the steps to make them happen.

Also, I'm starting to really not like Livejournal. It used to be amazing when I first started LJing when I started high school, but now I pretty much don't even like it. Everyone who I essentially grew up with i.e. who read my journal while I was navigating my way through the hell that was high school is either gone or deactivated their account. The only person left is pretty much Jamie. And the communities that I've found that are actually of interest haven't been updated in about a thousand years. I wish I was closer with my LJ friends.

I'm thinking about either stopping LJing completely or getting a new journal as a fresh start but then again so many of my memories and thoughts from the last 4 years of my lfie are in this one..I dunno we'll see.

2 saved me somebody save me

Time:	4:07 pm.
Mood:	annoyed.

So in going with my growing frustration with pretty much everyone who is considered to be my 'friend' I've pretty much cut myself off from those people. My phone's been off pretty much all the time the last few days, haven't been talking to anyone on facebook, and haven't been returning messages.

Pat is the only one that's been leaving me messages telling me to call him and to be fair, I wasn't really mad at him initially, it wa smoreso Angela but as I was thinking I felt/feel like my friendships with them aren't what I really want out of a friendship? I don't know, it's hard to explain. I guess I have these expectations of how my friendships should be (And nothing too unreasonable I don't think, seeing as how I see plenty of people who have friendsihps like that) and my two best friends don't live up to it.

I mean, Angela never calls me anymore and when she does it's usually just to talka bout whatever plans we have to go out (which are few and far between nowadays) and the same goes for Pat. What I want is to actually have that extremely close friendship of talking to each other everyday and hanging out all the time like I used to have with Angela and Liz when we first became friends. Of course I'll probably end up having a conversation with them about this but as of right now I'm not going to be the one to initiate contact.

Not to mention my oldest friend Katie whom I've known since 2nd grade and who is also going to Brown with me this fall has apparently been hanging out with someone who I despise and who pretty much treated me like shit for the past year even though she claimed she never would do that to me. Last time I saw her was ADOCH (Which was the visit for accepted students back in April) and we live in the same town. Seeing pictures of her and him hanging out infuriate me and it kinda hurts but not really. I thought that we were close and I figured once we get to school we would be, but not anymore. I'm not even going to try and talk to her.

Ugh, I just want to start school already and meet tons of new people and make new friends! You know the song "Wake Me Up When September Ends?" My version is more like Wake Me Up When September Begins! It seems like all the distraught emotions I have with my life will be fixed by then because I'll finally be where I've wanted to be since I started high school.

2 saved me somebody save me

Time:	4:18 pm.
Mood:	hot.

I am so sick and tired of myy job! I've been working at Stop & Shop (a ubiquitous supermarket chain in New England) since the summer before Junior year. 2 years at that place and I still hate it. It was one of two places that were willing to hire me since I was only 16 and they take tons of taxes out of my paycheck.

Anyway, I essentially only have about 5 more weeks until I leave to go to school thank God and it's dragging by so slowly when I have to work there 4 days a week. I tried applying to other places but no one wanted to hire me this summer since I'm going away to school, damnit.

Other than that I'm loving how none of my friends have even bothered to call me within the last 2 days. I got a text from Angela asking if I wanted to go to lunch with her and Pat but I had work. Haven't heard from her since. Seriously, way back when we first started becoming friends she actually used to call me to talk as opposed to now. Liz is just another story, haven't heard from her, and I don't plan on going out of my way even though we've kind of "rebuilt" our friendship. She's going to Savannah School of Art and Design in Georgia so chances are I won't be seeing her often this fall and right now I'm kind of not caring. SHe always says how "she misses me and to call her". Guess what? If you really miss talking to me that much why don't you actually get your head out of your ass and call me? Just a thought. She's not even worth going out of my way for.

Anyway, ever since one of my mom's relatives from Haiti came to stay with us for the past week (and she had stayed with us a couple weeks ago too) I've been really wanting to learn Haitian creole. I mean, growing up my family spoke it but not really around me, so unlike a lot of my cousins and stuff I never really learned how to. Of course I knew a few phrases and can pretty much understand when someone's talking to me but I never really knew how to speak it.

So since she left I actually went online and found information.lessons you could say from Wikipedia, which actually really surprised me because I'm skeptical about Wikipedia. Because it explained actual grammatical structures and stuff and it all kind of clicked. I'm going to be studying it online I guess from now on and I don't know it just has me excited and I feel really connected to my heritage.

2 saved me somebody save me

Time:	3:07 pm.
Mood:	hot.

Yesterday I went to Colleen's graduation party then Mary's graduation party which basically consisted of just sitting around eating and chatting, which was fun. Afterwards we went to this place called Hibachi was Japanese cuisine where Courtney's mom works. I had Baby Octopus, which actually wasn't that bad.

Afterwards we all headed over to Courtney's house and jumped on her trampoline. I haven't jumped on a trampoline in so long so it was fun. When Steph was leaving, she told Kaitlyn that she wouldn't be able to go to her grad party at the end of the month because apparently it was the only time she and some other people could go to new york and Kaitlyn was pretty sad//mad. She was crying. The whole reason she moved her party so late was becuas eof Steph and becaus eit's so late her dad won't be able to go so it's understandable.

THen I went home. I called Mary and I think we migh tbe hanging out today but not sure. It's so humid and a little too warm out right now and I"m dying.

I've been thinking. Well, I've known my friend Katie since 2nd grade and we've had our fair share of fights and stuff and we go through periods of not really talking just because we lose contact but then we'll start talking again.Since we found out that we're both going to the same school this fall it seeme dlike we'd be even loser. I mean what ar ethe chances that we'd be going to the same school and we've known each other since 2nd grade..anyway I guess right now is one of those times where we haven't been talking most ly because we haven't been keeping touch.

The last time I saw her was when we both went for accepted students weekend back in April. We've talked here and there but I j've just been thinking, am I even really going to be that close with her once we get to school? I mean of course since she's one of the 3 people I know going there I assumed that we'd be extremely close during this summer, and when we get to school..but right now I'm not entirely sure I want to be.

Her boyfriend (who I've also known since like 7th grade and who is also coincidentally going to the same school) is hosting this farewell party for everyone before we go off to college but I don't think I'm going.Cullan is going to be there and while the whole story with Cullan hasn't been fully expalined (mostly because I've been lax in actually updating this past year) needless to say I do not like him..you could almost say I hate him, and I do not want to go. Is that a stupid reason for not going? I mean after alll the bullshit he's pulled with me I think I'm justified, plus that and the only person I am remotely close to is Katie, and I've just explained that.

I dunno, we'll see. Most likely I am not going.

11 saved me somebody save me

Time:	4:05 pm.
Mood:	tired.

I forgot how much I love listening to this song.

So today I had off from work and so I just went to the gym. I paid $100 for the summer which wasn't a bad deal so it's been pretty good. I like going because I feel like I'm accomplishing something..I dunno that sounds weird.

So Liz called me this morning before I went but It old her I'd call her later. I'm not sure when the last time I updated about her was and how we were at the time, but now we're friends. She actually finally (i'm hoping) for hte last time broke up with BRett (Cliffnotes version being she basically lost me, Angela and Pat as best friends because she chose him over us) but yeah, so I mean I guess things are fine with us now.

Last night I went bowling with Emily, Angela, Courtney, Steph and some of Courtney's friends..then we ate at this place called Texas Roadhouse which pretty much if you're not a big steak eater, the menu's not for you.

I'm kind of tired right now but I'm gonna go and watch some Dawson's Creek. I'm pretty much obsessed with the show even though it's been gone for like 5 years now. Thank the lord for DVD's.

3 saved me somebody save me

Time:

12:52 pm.

This summer has been pretty good. Well, I finally graduated High School and let me tell you it felt damn good. I'm no longer in that juvenile detention center and I'm free! It's kind of sad, but I'm pretty much not going to miss anyone there, at all.

So I just got back from Europe too! My uncle took me to London, Paris, and Amsterdam and let me say that it was amazing! I never thought I would have a chance to go to Europe and I've always wanted to go. I saw all the major sights like Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre etc..but I can say that I kind of wish I had gone with my friends..I probably would've had a way better time. I mean I had fun with my Uncle generally but there were times where he got on my last nerve. Plus, obviously I'd rather be hanging out with people my age..the drinking age is 18 and the clubs are obvoiusly 18+ so I mean I would've had a blast with my friends..but I'm still thankful I got to go and that my uncle took me.

Right now I'm bored as hell and stuck here again..having to go to my job in about 3 hours that I absolutely hate..less than 2 months then I get to quit and go to college! I can't wait.

Anyway, I realized how much I miss livejournal and miss having friends on LJ. No one really reads this anymore, which is mostly my fault because I kind of abandoned it. I'm gonna try and get back into this thing again..so now I'm off to look over my friends' journals and hopefully try and make more Lj friends.

6 saved me somebody save me

Time:

5:58 pm.

OK! So, today was a big day.

I officially was admitted to Brown University. Wow. I wasn't even expecting it...I mean they said we could check online starting today after 5 but when I got home from school there it was and I was just so flooored and excited and just wow.

But, then I saw ane envelope from Harvard and it was small so it didn't exactly give me any hope but then I read it and it said that they've waitlisted me..which kinda sucked. My heart was kind of invested in it..I'm gonna talk to my guidance counselor tomorrow so we can see what I'm gonna do.

But yeah, I mean this just makes me feel so incredible. Here I've gone through so much especially during these last 4 years and I just never would have thought this could've happened to me. I never thought that I would be smart enough or good enough and I got into Brown. I'm so proud of myself.

2 saved me somebody save me

Time:	8:13 pm.
Mood:	thirsty.

Here it is 4 months after my latest post and I've decided to finally post again. I swear I really want to start updating everyday like I did freshman year...but I guess I just haven't.

So good news, I got accepted to New York University! Which was crazy. I was extremely excited, and happy and felt proud of myself. My english teacher and guidance counselor were so happy. I also got accepted to University of Hartford, Umass Dartmouth, and LeMoyne.

I had a second interview with Harvard, which from what I hear is defintely a good thing..it still amazes me that I actually have a shot to get in. When I asked what it meant having another interview, the senior admissions woman who was interviewing me told me that my application had a lot to offer, or something along those lines...I really, really, reallllly hope that I get in haha..but of course I'm not sure. I'm still waiting to hear from the rest of the schools I applied to..and I'll be hearing about them in approximately 3 weeks.

Life in general has been alright. I'm procrastinating writing a history paper...why? because It's second semester senior year and I've definitely come down with a major case of senioritis. It's actually a miracle if I find myself doing any homework when I get home nowadays..usually I just try and scramble to get it done the next day during school.

Anyway, I'll update tomorrow, haha, I promise.

somebody save me

Time:	12:10 am.
Mood:	okay.

Ok so, right now I'm posting.

I'm a senior this year! Wow, to think I've been waiting so long for it to finally be my last year at BC High and now here it is. I swear ever since Freshman year I hated my school and couldn't wait to get the hell out of there, and now I'm almost there! I'm excited.

So things that have been going on? College applicaitons! Well, save the fact that I haven't filled any out yet, and still don't think I'm happy with my college list. Grr, I feel like I'm never gonna be content with it. I recently decided to add Harvard College after visiting on Sunday. Needless to say it was amazing and it's definitely somewhere where I think I would be happy, both socially and academically. Of course, I'm all "Harvard? Me?" but they've been sending me stuff and recruiting me in a sense so I guess I'm gonna give it a shot. I hope more than anything that it'll work out.

Other than Harvard,I'm looking at Boston College, New York University, Fordham, and University of Southern California. Blech, I feel like I'm not smart enough and I know I shouldn't be self depracating like that but I dunno I guess it's better than being all cocky and arrogant.

Hm, classes..first quarter is over, thank God and I think I came away with a pretty solid GPA so that makes me happy. Good for college. I'm taking Physics AP this year, and it's soo hard..the hardest class I've ever taken. I don't know why the hell I decided to take it but I did and now I'm stuck..I'll seriously be lucky if I get a C in that class..I'm so terrified I'm gonna get like a D or something..let's pray I don't.

Let's see, as for the boy situation....I freaking told myself I was not going to like anybody this year, that just I've been through everything that there was to go through and learned my lesson (Those people who might actually still read this you know what I'm talking about), but of course nope..I like(d) someone. But it's definiitely not as intense as it was with Joe. It's just different I guess. I know I should let it go and not even try but there's that eternal optimistic/romantic in me that's just like "Go for it"

I know that I only have like 5 months of high school left and that I'm probably not going to be dating anyone until I get to college so this crush is nothing..but it's just hard for me to let it go because I believe in going after what/who you want. Although with my past and in my circumstance I feel it's not an option, which makes me sad, but I know I'll get over it.

9 saved me somebody save me

Subject:	Wow, it's been forever.
Time:	6:06 pm.
Mood:	okay.

I've been thinking about journaling again, because it's been sooo damn long since I have. In many ways lots has changed and not so much has changed, if that's possible..I'd go into it all but I should be studying for my physics final soon, seeing as how it's tomorrow so..yeah.

Uh, wow, after tomorrow, junior year will be over. I'm happy but a little weird because I enjoyed being a junior...despite all of the freaking standardized tests I had to take this year (SAT's AP exams..etc)..next year college becomes a looming reality, which I'm both happy about and scared of..so we'll see.

Also, it seems like I've lost touch with pretty much everyone on my friends list, which is sad..but school pretty much ends tomorrow so guess what that means? Hopefully I'll have more time to update etc..in between community service I have to do to graduate and working. But knowing me, I'm sure I"ll have something to write about.

Anywhoo, hopefully if anyone thought I died, I didn't.

6 saved me somebody save me

Time:	10:53 pm.
Mood:	tired.

So It's 2006 and I feel good, with the exception of probably going back to school tomorrow since today I had a snow day which extended my school vacation.\

Christmas was good, got some goodies, including a digital camera, which I've always wanted. The whole camera phone thing was kinda getting old.

So for new year's I went into Boston and met up with some people and stayed there till a little after midnight. It was tons of fun, eveyrone was out and it was snowing so it was pretty festive.

I took some pictures but I fucking dropped my camera and it sucked. It got all wonky and now I think it's malfunctioning or something so I'm gonna go bring it in so they can go fix it. Yeah, aren't I clutzy.

Anyways, I pretty much worked ALL vacation which sucked, which is why I feel like the 2 weeks was so short. I worked 33 and a half hours last week so whatever, I need to start saving up. Since I've been spending it on clothes.

So yeah, back to school tomorrow, I just don't think I can go back to the routine again, it's gonna suck bigtime. But still it's a new year so I'm gonna feel all different if that makes sense.

somebody save me

Time:	2:42 am.
Mood:	okay.

Ok, this is my journal so I can say what I wanna say in it right? ok.

Um, yeah so I met this guy kinda oddly enough named Joe. Things were going great, or ok at least you know talking and stuff but then all of a sudden because I'm under 18 he decided he couldn't be with me, even though he told me he liked me and this and that.

At first I was hurt, cause I thought it could've been something, but now I'm over it. I'm over it because it's his loss, and I know that sounds cliche, but it's true. I already know I deserve someone who isn't afraid to be with me, and when he comes along I'm gonna be happy.

I started talking with Liz again, just because I wasn't sure if I wanted to really throw away our friendship over a stupid move she made that got me really upset. We've been talking here and there, but I dunno, I'm not even sure if I really wanna be as close with her anymore...just talking to her there's so much drama surrounded with her and things between us and others I just don't even wanna pay any mind to it. So yeah, I dunno maybe I'll hang out with her once again and see how that goes.

Now I have to go to bed seeing as how I have to be up at 9:30 AM tomorrow for work. Haha, go me.

2 saved me somebody save me