Lirael by Garth Nix
Abhorsen by Garth Nix
All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood by Jennifer Senior
The 6th Extinction by James Rollins
Clariel by Garth Nix
The Skull Throne by Peter V. Brett
Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor
Days of Blood and Starlight by Laini Taylor
Charmed Life by Diana Wynne Jones

Yesterday was my birthday. My husband took the day off work, and we piled the kids in the car to go see the redwoods. We've lived a stone's throw away from this old growth redwood forest for years now and have never bothered to go see it. (Mostly because it is notorious for having little to no parking, and we're crabby about that sort of thing.)

The drive is down this incredibly windy road through the hills. Just thinking about it kind of sets my stomach turning. I drove, which helped, and we made it both there and back again without a single heave on my part. We even managed to get a parking space. (The LAST one. In the overflow lot!)

It was nice. Evan was very impressed, walking around yelling, "Whoa! Big tree!" It was overcast and cool, but not cold. Just right for getting a hot cup of tea at the cafe and sipping it while strolling down the hiking path. Somewhere along the way, Ryan lost a Ninja Turtle sock, which I was never able to track down again. But such is life these days. I leave a trail of baby socks everywhere I go.

I am still off wheat, dairy, and soy. So my birthday "cake" left something to be desired. You might mistake it for cake if you'd never had cake before in your life. It was pretty flat and spongey. I ate it anyway.

Ryan, by the way, is 8 months old now. Blows my mind a little. It seems like it is going so much faster this time. He is army crawling, but not cross-crawling. I'm okay with that. The longer he holds off on being able to race across the room, the better.

He still sleeps like crap. Up all the time at night. Sometimes he doesn't even need anything. He just cries out in his sleep, then grumbles for a bit and drifts back off. But it still wakes ME up, and I lay there awake every time waiting to see if he'll go back to sleep on his own or require some form of soothing. Because if he fails at going back to sleep and ends up wide awake...then it is an hour long ordeal to get him down again. So I have to step in before it goes too far.

I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't like the idea of sleep training. But I don't like getting up four times a night either. I'm okay with co-sleeping and letting him nurse all night, but I'd much MUCH rather not do that. I know when I take him in for his next check up, the pediatrician is going to ask about sleep and I'm going to get the TALK again when I admit that he's still getting up so often.

Mostly, I am surviving. Days are so packed, I lose track. My mom called me a week or so ago to talk, and told me she hadn't heard from me in a long time. And I was surprised. I hadn't realized I'd fallen out of contact with her. I just sort of make it from one moment to the next. I am hoping that over the summer someone (either my mom or my mother-in-law) will be willing to come out and visit us for a nice, solid stretch of time. More than the usual week. That way I can get my feet under me and stop just treading water all the time.

This all sounds really negative. But I'm actually pretty happy. Not in terms of contentment, but...fulfilled, I guess. My life is full of purpose. And that's good for me right now.

I got a very sad "remember Live Journal" email the other day, which made me think to pop by here. My thoughts are a little too scattered to make a meaningful post because I am exhausted. But I'll do my best...

I have been sick for over a week now. Just a cold. But I can't shake it. I lost my voice completely yesterday and was so wiped out that my husband actually took a day off work to help me with the kids. My voice came back a little today, but I'm still very hoarse and feeling pretty crappy.

Ryan and my husband have managed to avoid catching it. But Evan was not so lucky. He's been snotty, pukey, and complaining that his throat hurts. He was subdued and SO WELL BEHAVED while he was sick. It was kind of amazing. He was back to normal today though, causing all kinds of havoc. So I guess he's feeling better.

I actually ran into one of my playgroup friends at the mall the other day who had a baby a few months before I did, and when she asked how I was doing I mentioned that things had gotten a little crazy with Evan lately. He's really been acting out a lot. She told me that things got so bad at her house they actually went to family therapy to work it out. She said it was life-changing, and we had a long talk about all the things the therapist told her to do. I don't think our problems are exactly the same as hers, but I probably do need to work some on mending my relationship with Evan. So I'm trying to implement a lot of what she told me. I think it's helping on an emotional level. He asked me to get into bed with him and read the other night. And he hasn't been that affectionate with me since Ryan arrived. So...that's something.

Speaking of Ryan, he is still getting up four or more times per night and is going through some separation anxiety right now. Which is adding to my overall exhaustion. He wants to be held or touched ALL THE TIME. Not just by anyone, either. He wants me. If I'm in the room, he will not let my husband hold him. He just cries looks longingly at me. If I put him down and walk out of sight...immediate wailing. I love the little guy, but sheesh. Mommy's gotta pee, ya know?

And yesterday was my dad's birthday. The first since he died. Felt awful. Even through the haze of tired, sick, and clinging baby.

In better news...I am finally having success adding things back into my diet. I added back in eggs this week and Ryan hasn't reacted to it so far. Next week is corn. And the week after that, peanuts. Saving dairy, soy, and wheat until he's ten months old. I could go without soy my whole life if it weren't in so much prepared food (like restaurant food). Dairy I don't miss except for cheese (alternative milks are great...cheese, however, can't be faked). Wheat I think I could easily stay off of forever. Mostly I don't miss the foods I'm not eating so much as the convenience. Not having to check labels, being able to eat out, etc.

Ryan's an adorable ball of baby fuzz. I love him to pieces. Can't believe he's 6 months already. He's babbling and eating solids and SO close to crawling. Ugh. It goes by so fast.

I let my paid account lapse because I was too busy when it expired to re-enter our credit card information (we got a new one in the interim thanks to the Target data breach). I haven't bothered to renew it since because I really haven't had the time to visit recently. But I had reason to pop by today. So...

The Highlights:

- Evan is potty trained. He did it himself. It was the easiest thing in the world. I am so proud and so glad that I just waited rather than fight with him over it.

- Ryan is now four months old. He's adorable and sweet and doesn't sleep worth a damn. I've been a zombie for quite a while now. To the point where I really can't drive, because sitting in one spot without anyone actively harassing me makes my brain shut down.

- Ryan also has some weird food sensitivities that I am working on figuring out. Which means that I am on an elimination diet. For two months now I have been avoiding all major allergens: dairy, soy, wheat, eggs, peanuts, corn, tree nuts, shell fish (plus beef, tomatoes, caffeine, chocolate, citrus fruit...). It takes several weeks for all of the proteins to no longer appear in breast milk. So I only just started reintroducing things a couple of weeks ago. So far peanuts and eggs were a big NO. But I've been able to eat tree nuts alright. Next on the list is corn.

- Wondering what you can eat once you eliminate all major allergens from your diet? Not much! Turkey. Rice. Whole fruits and vegetables. That's seriously about it. I'm dying for a burrito. DYING.

- On the bright side, I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight.

- My mom came to visit us for Christmas. It was nice. I worry about her a lot now that she is living alone. Especially in the winter. I wish she'd move here.

- I've been trying to find time to write but failing. (This post has so far taken me four hours to compose.) I manage to get a little bit down here and there while Ryan is napping and Evan is occupied. But I don't think I'm going to get much done until night time begins to work out a little better. We're getting there though. So...soon? I hope.

I am really freaking lopsided right now.

Right boob is a lazy POS. And left boob is like, "F-yeah! Let's make some milk!!"

Which means leftie is perpetually ginormous and achey and engorged while rightie hangs out all normal sized and stubbornly unfazed by my attempts to even out my supply.

I think I may just have to accept giganto-boob and stuff my bra on the other side so that I don't look like a weirdo.

My dad passed away this morning.

Ryan Finley
8 lbs 14 oz
21.5 inches long
September 19th, 11:06 PM

Born after a speedy 1 hour 58 minute labor!

Details to follow. :)

I'm still pregnant.

Though expecting baby ANY DAY now.

I sent some photos to my parents a few weeks ago, and my mom could not stop talking about how huge I've gotten. She even told me that she showed it to other people, and that they all said things like, "When is she due again?" and "Are they sure it's only one baby in there?"

Over the weekend, I agreed to sit down with Evan to Skype with them, and it was the same damn thing. Tons of comments on how big I am. On how much bigger I am this pregnancy than my first. And my mom asking if the doctor thinks I might deliver early since I'm so gigantic.

Combine that with comments I've been getting from perfect strangers in public (a guy at Target noting how big my tummy is to his girlfriend as they passed by, another mom at the park asking me if I'm due "any day now", etc.) and I am feeling very self-conscious tonight. To the point where I don't even want to go out in public anymore.

I don't FEEL that huge. But I did get out some photos from last time, and I'm about as big now as I was right before I delivered Evan. Plus, I've gained more weight. And I'm still 5 weeks shy of my due date.

I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and I'm nervous about it now. Worried that I'll measure big and that it will begin a whole cascade of tests and interventions.

I don't know that my mom understands just how much pressure is on me as a GD mom to NOT have a big baby.

Or, for that matter, how much the big bump talk hurts my feelings.

I think I'm going to keep to myself for the rest of the pregnancy. She's not going to get any more pictures of me or any more video chats with me until baby gets here. Because every time she sees me, all I get is critical comments that make me feel like shit. I know I'm a whale right now. I don't need people pointing it out.

All is well health-wise. Though I am very uncomfortable. My back has been killing me ever since we went to visit my parents in Montana. The plane/car rides plus the unforgivingly hard bed there made my back really sore and it hasn't really gotten better. One and a half months of constant back pain is starting to make me crabby.

My dad was in the hospital again for a couple of days. Turned out to be a blocked bile duct in his liver. They put in a stent. And they also discovered that his blood pressure was running really, alarmingly high. So they put him on meds for that. He had somewhat high blood pressure before, but after his first surgery it mysteriously resolved. His doctor thinks this sudden elevation is a combination of pre-existing high BP exacerbated by chemo.

In any case, he's home now. And taking the month off treatment. They're going to start up with a new drug cocktail come September.

It's easy to forget what a finely balanced thing the human body is. Amazing that it works as well as it does most of the time.

I've been spending my time getting some hardcore nesting done and am now ALMOST ready for baby to arrive. I've got two things to add to my hospital bag before it will be ready to grab and throw in the car. Got the crib together. Got all the baby clothes and swaddling blankets and cloth diapers out of storage and washed. Got the bouncer and the baby gym put together. And the spare room is cleared out, ready to be made into Evan's bedroom as soon as we get around to buying him a big boy twin bed.

Literally nothing else going on other than that. Pregnancy + managing my health + dealing with my dad's health + getting ready for baby + raising a toddler consumes every second of my day. I've been finding some spare time in the evenings because my hips get sore if I stay in bed too long, so I'm going to sleep late to avoid the aches and pains. But I am pretty much blowing that time by reading and watching Netflix. Feeling totally brain dead. Every time I try to do something productive, it just seems to make me frustrated. And seeing as I really NEED to relax a bit...doesn't seem worth it anymore to try.