starcruzer

Last night's journal entry gave me some wonderful inspiration on what I could do today. It reminded me of the quote from Walt Disney, "Every day is the opportunity to make a better tomorrow".

I went over to the Arch cafe and had breakfast with the gang at the square. Joe was finally back and he was telling us about a novel involving aliens (we should talk about the Fermi Paradox some time lol). And I started chatting with a friend of a friend who had come along, Kirsten. And it felt...amazing. It was energentic and we loved discussing new things we thought up as we chatted. It was the most fun I'd had talking to someone new in a while and I think it was all about the journal from yesterday about the Missing Piece. I went out of my way to be honest, sincere, and above all, true. We kept talking as we dropped off our plates and didn't stop until we left the place and had to go in opposite directions on the street lol. Maybe there's a connection there or maybe not, but I felt very much like I'm getting over whatever has been happening lately.

It's unlikely that it's coincidence that my mood and disposition has improved so much since I started writing on LJ again. I'm going to try and post every day, and most importantly, make every day worth writing about. :)

I was hanging our with friends last night and we started to talking about going on a trip. It sounded like fun! However I'm not so sure how the conversation steered over to it, but we started talking about how much you can learn about someone when you go on a retreat. It's an interesting concept, go somewhere that's in the middle of nowhere that's quiet, let it help you to focus on yourself and the people you're with.

And then, out of the blue, Mags mentioned how it would be helpful because sometimes I seem like I'm holding back.

Boom. There it was. The habit. That annoying, involuntary habit that's blowed up at least one wonderful tryst with a girlfriend.

It's been plaguing me for so long. It's not shyness, it's not fear, it's just...editing? Try to hide a part of myself to protect it? It makes me think back across the memories of my life to try and find when/why I do this. And, for the first time, I think I've found something.

Yesterday I felt a pang of embarassment that made me relictant to talk about why I didn't see the rest of the gang last week. I told them it was simply due to an "injury", keeping it vague (while in reality it was a groin injury from working out). But does that make people feel like you've let them into your life? To be so reluctant to let them know what's going on behind the curtain? It's like I was expecting these people, that I trust and love, to somehow...judge me?

I think I'm on to something. I'm gonna pull this thread and see where it takes me.

It's been an amazing day today. At work I was more chipper than I have been in ages, and it's all because of just living healthy again.

Exercise last night, a good sleep, eggs, coffee, coffee (I swear I'll get rid of that second cup), and the Halloween party at work didn't hurt either.

I feel like I'm powering back up again. Energies that had faded are back again with a vegence. And after an exhausing few months working my butt off and not getting enough sleep, the rest has allowed my libido is finally kicking back in.

It's so enjoyale to walk through the halls at work and smile at girls with my A-class smile. Some are shy, others I set atwitter, and not a few give me that speculative smile in return.

It's funny this should be happening in the Fall. Usually it's the Spring when I feel such joyus energy, and it's so natural to feel ones Spring Fever kick in and charm the opposite sex. I feel especially lucky to feel it right now. Heck my positivity is already rubbing off at my job!

I love that once again my journal entry is about how great my life is. I might just get used to this. :)

I've always had the tendency to slip backwards into the past without realizing it. It's probably a combination of my near perfect memory and being sentimental. If I want, I can immerse myself not only in the emotions of my previous self, but see the rooms I lived in, know exactly what the neighborhood was like, even remember the people who lived nearby.

But the main reason why I find myself in those yesteryears is they were safe, simpler, times when life didn't have such an ominous future ahead. It's a place of safety, of peace. However, I have been feeling that I'm getting closer to peace, to truly knowing what a happy ilfe is again. I've been through so much, spent so much time surviving the painful times, it's almost as if I don't believe in that kind of happiness anymore.

Until it pops up right in front of me. :)

Coming back here, remembering all the times in the past I've come to write, to find some peace, rant, or just contemplate the world, it feels so amazing.

I don't even have to look at old entries for all the emotions to come rushing back. It makes me feel like I'm going deep into my own self, thinking about things I haven't thought about for such a very long time.

It's that time of the year when I start to feel the cold crisp air of Fall make me want to be indoors more. Now that I don't have a roommate and don't have a gf, it feels more lonely. Of course, a friend of mine calls this "Cuffing" season. In the Fall he would find someone to spend the Winter with, even if just for the Winter and not any longer. Not my style, but I would like to take advantage of the season.

  So often I've come here during a time of sadness, anxiety, or bald-face depression, but now I wanted to write at a time of supreme satisfaction, of achievement and accomplishment.
  As I was adding my mood and song below the text area I realized I've become condition to be sad when entering anything there lol. It might take a while to bounce back and change my mindset there.
For now though, things are good. Very good.
  I think of my life as having three pillars holding it up. Work, health, friends/family. It's been hard to maintain two with one missing, and for so long Work has been erratic. For the last 7 years it's been erratic, abusive, or I've just plain old had the rug pulled out from underneath me. But now, there aren't any visible flaws. God knows I've tried to find them, but the company is 40 years old and stable, making money even in this doomed economy, everyone loves my work, and I've even gotten a "Nice work man!" from HR.
  I can't help but feel that rare, solid, hopeful, warm feeling in my chest. The feeling of stability, the feeling of moving forwards. It's the start of something I've been moving towards for a long time.

The start of a good life.

Tomorrow is my first review at my new company. As you might imagine, after what I went through with my last manager, I'm a bit jittery about it.

Yes, I've spoken with my team lead about my work and he's made recommendations for improvements. Yes, once I've done what he said he hasn't brought things up again. But I feel so brittle, so weak, so ready to crumble with a single negative comment.

That's another thing: I've been more anxious at work. After the abuse I've endured in my life, often I get into a mindset where I'm terrified for a person to finish what they're saying. The deep-seated sense of making a mistake, the spike of anxiety when someone shrieks at me, it often will become twisted up in any sort of feedback to improve. Which can make feedback at work tricky. It's a pretty likely sign that my anti-depressants are wearing off.

But like many other anxieties I've endured on this job, I'm just going to push through. Once I'm on the other side of this, I'll feel silly. Yes, there's likely going to be some feedback to improve (I'm not thrilled that being sealed up in my place has lowered my productivity). But...but I have to remind myself that it's a new game here. New game and new rules, and sane people. Heck my lead even asked me if it was okay to have my review tomorrow morning after sending me the invite at the last minute (great guy).

So I'm going to write as message to the self I'll be tomorrow after my review: It wasn't as bad at you thought it was, was it.

Edit: No, not even close. Thank you my previous self. :)