Spatial Rift #47

OKAY OKAY I KNOW IT'S LATE. SHUSH. Lots of real life been happening at Casa Spatial. By way of catching up, sort of, we'll start off with a list of movies that came out in the intervening time that I still want to see.

SPECIAL MENTION

... Goes to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. The very last Harry Potter movie until some other studio does the inevitable remake. I have already seen it, but it deserves a mention here. This movie marks the passing of an age, the end of an era, the punctuation of a cultural epoch in cinematic history. Not since Star Wars did a fantasy saga capture the public imagination so thoroughly. When this lightning (ha!) will strike again, no one knows. Now begins the passage of Harry Potter from pop culture phenomenon into pop culture pantheon. For decades hence it shall form the foundations of future franchises. It shall be one of the standards against which they are judged and compared. Long live Harry Potter.

CURRENT

Captain America (Jul 22) - The Marvel filmverse quilt continues to knit itself together, and this is one red white and blue patch I won't be missing.

Cowboys & Aliens (Jul 29) - James Bond and Indiana Jones as cowboys fight ALIENS. WEARING WAISTCOATS. YES. ("The aliens are wearing waistcoats?" I sure hope so.)

COMING THIS YEAR

Griff the Invisible (Aug 19) - As the superhero genre becomes a proper genre, it was really inevitable that it would start to be mixed with other genres. I give you Griff the Invisible, the world's first indie movie superhero. The trailer promises meaty discussions of such themes as love, power, and social responsibility. It's limited release, so I may wait for the DVD.

Real Steel (Oct 7) - YOU GUYS, IT'S ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS: THE MOVIE. STARRING HUGH JACKMAN. OF COURSE I AM GOING TO SEE THIS.

The Three Musketeers (Oct 21) - Yes, an actual Three Musketeers story. Featuring deadly assassins, blimp warship galleons, and good old fashioned swordfighting. You know what I say to that? All for one, and one for all.

In Time (Oct 28) - If you ask five science fiction fans to define science fiction, you will get at least eight definitions. But for me, the core quality of sci-fi is that it must be a story which considers the real human reactions and ethics regarding some element of scientific knowledge or technological achievement. What do people do with warp drives? They go out and explore and build a Federation. What do people do with genetically engineered, government-controlled lifespan counters? We'll have to watch Justin Timberlake's latest movie to find out.

Hugo (Nov 23) - This kid-based, 1930s France, adventure movie looks utterly charming. Little Hugo meets a girl whose heart-shaped key fits the anthro-shaped robot his father left him, and you know that unraveling the mystery is going to be half the fun.

The Muppets (Nov 23) - Wait, wait, wait. Are there muppets in this movie? Yes, I think there are.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (Dec 16) - The inevitable and highly anticipated (by me) sequel to the 2009 Robert Downey Jr. Holmes flick. There is something larger than life about the Sherlock Holmes character, as evidenced by the fact that the market is currently bearing two very distinct Holmes adaptation series (the other one being, of course, Moffat's current-day Sherlock TV show). Like chocolate chip and fudge ripple ice cream, both with the same premise but very different execution, and both delicious.

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn (Dec 23) - I am not particularly qualified to comment on this movie as an adaptation, being as I am unfamiliar with the original comic books. But my god, the animation on this sucker looks absolutely goddamn gorgeous. With Spielberg, Peter Jackson, and Steven Moffat (I feel like I've just mentioned him somewhere ... oh well) running this show, it can't possibly go wrong.

MAYBES

Tucker & Dale vs Evil (Sep 30) - First of all, Alan Tudyk. Less important, but still interesting, is the premise of the movie: What if the thing that keeps capturing and killing the preppy college kids in the woods is actually just a misunderstanding? This comedy horror flick could be quite enjoyable.

Anonymous (Oct 28) - No, this is not a movie about the internet-born political movement from 4chan. Almost as old as Shakespeare's plays themselves are the many theories positing that Shakespeare was actually someone else. Roland Emmerich takes a break from destroying the world to destroy instead our history of the world's greatest playwright.

Immortals (Nov 11) - More Greek myth stories in super action slow motion! Hooray! In Relativity Media's latest installment, the highly underrated Theseus basically gets to save the entire friggin' universe.

Arthur Christmas (Nov 23) - Okay, on the one hand, yet another christmas movie. On the other hand, Aardman Animations (the Wallace & Gromit guys), and the same tongue-in-cheek trailer charm as Despicable Me. This one may prove hard to stay away from.

To My Students, Most of Whom Are Seniors and Graduating in a Matter of Weeks, As I Grade Your Final Homework Sets,

If you phone it in, I can trace the call.


Sincerely,
Your TA

Well, everyone else is doing year-end roundups and resolutions. But, you know what a new year means here at Casa Spatial. Let's get to it.

Green Hornet (Jan 14) - The superhero genre gets another of its longstanding members up on the big screen, this time with comedy star Seth Rogen as the lead. To be perfectly honest, the only reason this isn't on the Maybe list is Cristoph Waltz as the villain.

Rango (Mar 4) - A lizard with an identity crisis. Johnny Depp. What more do you need?

The Adjustment Bureau (Mar 4) - Matt Damon and Emily Blunt are being kept apart by shadowy forces. What will we learn about the nature of the world from their fight to stay together? Deep philosophical questions will be addressed, such as: How long before the inevitable parallels to Inception? and Where did they get those awesome hats?

Sucker Punch (Mar 25) - I feel that the title of this movie was chosen as a description of both the movie's content, and the movie's existence. I certainly didn't see a film like this coming, although given its cinematic roots I certainly should have. If any movie of 2011 is a spiritual successor to Inception, this is it. This movie is what happens if Inception and 300 have a test-tube baby.

Source Code (Apr 1) - Man, I am such a sucker for Groundhog Day plots. Jake Gyllenhaal is in his third movie about traveling back in time to set things right. I wonder if he's getting deja vu?

THOR (May 6) - Uh, yeah. Marvel's super hero movie explosion continues with the hammer wielding golden god of Asgard, son of Odin himself, THOR. No, it doesn't have to be all caps, but it's more fun that way. I'll be looking for connections to other recent or upcoming Marvel heroes, like Tony Stark, the Hulk, Nick Fury, Captain America, and Hawkeye.

Green Lantern (Jun 17) - In brightest day, in blackest night, this movie won't escape my sight.


Maybes

I Am Number Four (Feb 18) - Alien entry number one. A mysterious teen with glowy legs proclaims himself number four and tries to survive being hunted down. The reason this is on the list, all else notwithstanding, is that it's not a sequel or a prequel or a franchise (at least, not yet). The reason this is a maybe is that from the trailer, the story could be disappointingly mediocre. The writing talent is good though, so we'll see.

Battle: Los Angeles (Mar 11) - Alien entry number two! This one has a straight-up 20th century alien sightings meets shakycam thing going on. Will wait and see if it's worth a theater ticket.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (May 20) - Well, what have we here? Is this another PotC movie? Why yes. Yes it is. The trailer looks good, suprisingly so. Barbossa looks old, suprisingly so. I'm undecided about seeing it, surprisingly so.

Super 8 (Jun 10) - Alien entry number three! This time J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg are teaming up to bring us another 20th century alien film. You may have noticed that aliens are a bit of a recurring theme this year (cf. half the other Maybe movies). There's also Paul (Mar 18) (the latest Pegg-Frost film) and Cowboys and Aliens (Jul 29). That makes five movies already in 2011 about mysterious aliens.

Well, that wraps it up for the first half of 2011. I just want you all to know that in the New Jersey Code of Criminal Justice, 20-11 is a shoplifting offense. This year's movies oughta be a steal. Of aliens.

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And now, the Academy would like to present the Movies SpatialRift Might See This Year Award. The envelope please? And the winners are ...

SpatialRift's Semiannual Silver Screen Schedule 2010: The Sequel

A-Team (Jun 11): I put this on my list last time in the Maybe category. Because of this, it's been bumped up.
Toy Story 3 (Jun 18): As much as I am hesitant about sequels, I just can't let this franchise go. I really hope this is going to be good. I would hate to find out they're just toying with us.
Despicable Me (Jul 9): Supervillains in conflict! Tongue-in-cheek humor! And more!
Inception (Jul 16): Just when you thought it was safe to go back to bed ... the Nolan team invades our dreams. Should be suitably creepy.
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (Aug 13): I have always maintained that Michael Cera is a one-note actor. And I still maintain it. It's just, I haven't listened to that note in a while. Also: this one has an epic quest, plus video game spoofiness, and the director is Edgar Wright (Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead).
Tales from Earthsea (limited) (Aug 13): Studio Ghibli meets Ursula K. LeGuin? Hell YES.
Machete (Sept 3): Born from one of the one-off fake trailers in Grindhouse, this is going to be one hell of a Mexploitation spoof. It's got Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Bobby DeNiro, Lindsey Lohan, Steven Seagal, and Cheech Marin.
Megamind (Nov 5): Much like Despicable Me, this is CGI supervillain snark through and through. Sign me up.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows I (Nov 19): I think at this point I'm contractually obligated to see all the Harry Potter movies.
Tron Legacy (Dec 17): Old 'n busted, meet the new hotness.

Honorable Mention:
Jonah Hex (Jun 18): Have to wait for some reviews to see if this is good mindless action or bad mindless action.
Last Airbender (Jul 1): Now, I love the original cartoon show dearly. But preliminary reports indicate that while the visuals and the effects are great, the casting and acting is utter crap. Especially since there are some racial issues with the casting. Plus, it's M. Night Shyamalan, whom I generally despise. Decision withheld pending reviews. Decision made: this movie is shameful dreck. See reviews here and analysis of casting issues here.
Tangled (Nov 26): A comedy re-telling of Rapunzel. Could be funny, could be juvenile.

Will the winners please come down and accept their reward? ... Guys? Oh well.

Prescience: noun.

1. Foreknowledge of events to come, foresight.
2. Things I do in the morning before I go to work and do science.

So, I've just finished Dollhouse. I feel like Joss Whedon is my abusive boyfriend. I want to leave him, but I secretly love it.

You are in a movie theater. It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a popcorn monster.
> look at screen
You see a list on the screen.
> examine list
The list reads:

SpatialRift's Semiannual Silver Screen Schedule 2010, part 1

Book of Eli (Jan 15): This one's on the list because of two words that have been increasingly rare among Hollywood productions: original screenplay. Okay, the postapocalyptic setting is about as worked over as the landscape it uses, but I'm counting on Denzel Washington to restore some gravitas.
Alice In Wonderland (March 5): I have been excited about this since I first heard about it. Who better to interpret the drug-addled visions of Lewis Carroll than that truly twisted filmmaker Tim Burton? Also, Johnny Depp is playing the Mad Hatter. This is a role he has been playing in every movie he's been in for the last ten years. He was born to do this.
Clash of the Titans (March 26): GIANT SCORPIONS.
How to Train Your Dragon (March 26): I tell ya, Sparky has just been out of control lately. Singing the drapes, overheating the tile floors ... hopefully this will help.
Repo Men (April 2): In a world where artificial organs are common, a repo man recovers the organs of those who fail to make their payments. Sound familiar? Yeah, this is essentially the same premise as Repo! The Genetic Opera, but in a more dramatic sci-fi action genre instead of the other movie's postapocalyptic sci-fi rock opera graphic novel ... thing.
Kick-Ass (April 16): The superhero genre is in perilous danger of becoming overplayed at this point. To be perfectly honest, the only reason I'm planning on seeing this one is because of the Hit-Girl character, the preteen violet-haired vigilante that will curse up a storm just as easily as cut your legs off.
Iron Man 2 (May 7): Now with 100% more War Machine!
Robin Hood (May 14): Surprisingly, this is the first major movie outing for the British hero since Robin Hood: Men In Tights. Should be suitably epic, since Ridley Scott is at the helm.
Prince of Persia: Sands of Time (May 28): Based on what is possibly one of the greatest video games ever made. Adaptations are tough, but if Bruckheimer can bring half the snark he brought to Pirates of the Caribbean (and the trailer looks promising in this regard) then the rest is cake.

Maybe:
Tooth Fairy (Jan 22): Do I really need to see Dwayne Johnson make a fool of himself again? I might.
The A-Team (June 11): An A-Team movie might seem like a no-brainer, but A) it's a remake, and B) I never really watched the original show. But maybe this will do for The A-Team what Get Smart did for its namesake in 2008.
> go north
You have been eaten by a popcorn monster.

Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Cotton, of Polyester, my brothers! I see on your shirts the same dirt that would take the pants off me. A day may come when the colors of men fail, when we forsake our whites and break all bonds of cleanliness, but it is not this day. An hour of bleach and extra-strength detergent, when the rinse cycle comes washing down! But it is not this day! THIS DAY WE FIGHT! By all that you hold dear on this good wardrobe, I bid you stand, men of the Vest!