So it's the end of my 1st week at San Diego and I've come to realize something - I've never felt more alone than anything. I feel entirely isolated mentally, physically, and emotionally. Sometimes it feels like I'm swimming in fathoms of the ocean alone... trying to conquer every wave that hits me. It's not that I don't find the company of my sister or her roommates discontent but it just doesn't feel the same. It's like I'm on my own now and I have to find out things for myself and do things for me. I'm 19. I'm old enough to do things on my own right? Being alone shouldn't even be a problem for me. But maybe it's the fact that I've been detached from everyone for over 2 months now that the feeling is unbearable. Things are changing rapidly and time just isn't stopping for anyone. People are moving on but I'm alone on this one. 

 So, I'm finally here in San Diego! It's nothing really new though as I have already been here so many times before to visit my sister. I'm at her apartment now and it feels so comfy sitting on her bed by the open window. The breeze is just rolling in and I feel very relaxed. I seriously can't wait til Monday, which is when my summer school starts! Apparently my professor has good ratings so that makes me feel quite excited :) and then I'll get to meet some of my friends who live around here from UCR! Yay! 

Hope everything goes well these upcoming 5 weeks because I can not afford it to be a waste of time. 

Secondly, about a little over 2 more weeks until I'm off to UCSD for summer school! It'll be 5 weeks of class on MWF from 2-3:30 PM. I'm not sure when I'll have the discussion class but I think I'll try to keep my Tuesdays and Thursdays free. Hopefully it'll be a good month since I'll be away from home again and actually be in an area where I can find something to do right when I step out the door. All in all, I'm going to strive to ace this class no matter what (or at least pass) because if not, I will probably have to consider changes to my major which I am scared to encounter. So yeah, that's basically what I'm going to be planning for (I think I'll start reading my textbook after I finish HP7 haha). Even though I know that most of my friends will be free of summer school whereas I will be stuck taking a class by that time, at least I can feel productive and not bored out of my wits everyday. 

You know that saying "home is where the heart is"? Well... Walnut has just not been that way for me and it's been like this for a pretty long time. I'm sorry to say but I can't stand this small city anymore! It's not that I despise everything here but there are just those people in town that you just wonder why they're even around. I mean... it's Walnut. What in the world is there to do around here? You could definitely go to The Village, visit some friends or go shopping. But other than that, I find that this little unknown part of California has just been a rut my whole life. There have been a select few that I can call my friends and hang around with but I have just found a distaste towards most of the kids around the area. Maybe I'm being a bit too harsh but lately I've been having this gut feeling while I've been riding my bike with my friend these past 2 days. Example: We went riding today and we made a stop at The Village to just sit and take a rest. As we sat, we noticed 2 boys sitting close by, trying to look "cool" I guess. One of them stares at us and by the look of his face (underneath his damn sunglasses), he's got this expression that says "don't they look funky riding their bikes here?" Well shit, I'm sorry we decided to go out and bike rather than waste gas through our cars. Ugh whatever. I'm so over this city. 

I'm so glad I go to a school that, even though it's 30 min away, I find comfort and people that I can truly talk to and not feel awkward around or disappointment in. It's not in the best area but it has definitely grown on me and I've gotten use to it already. Once school starts, it'll be adios to Walnut and hello Riverside. Seriously, i can't wait. 

 I kind of just want to run my heart out right now and strip away all the negativities that have burdened me these past 19 years. 

It's hard not to say anything and keeping it inside as it swells into a bigger problem. However, it's also hard to say it straight out without cringing or hesitating with fear. Basically, I am just in this toss between telling him how I truly feel or leaving it be - quiet and distant. Is this how first relationships are suppose to happen? 1 month with just 3 phone calls (3 short phone calls to be exact), "good night" texts and 1 hang out? I know it's summer but c'mon. I would think the other person could take a little bit out of their busy lives to even just call or say "Hi" at least every once in awhile. But no not in my case. I am no love expert or have ever experienced with such relationships (as this is my 1st one ever) but I know when there is a line between being your significant other and then practically not being your significant other. Is it just me or am I looking way into this? I don't think I am, as I am sure he hasn't contacted me in what feels like forever! I know I need to tell him some way or another but me being the shy and withdrawn person - it isn't working. If only this stuff was easier, but hey...love isn't is it? 

It's summer and I've finally gotten better since that ordeal I had with my grades. So to sum things up that have happened lately:
- went to UCSD with my sister to get enrolled into the BILD 1 class for 2nd session. The teacher emailed me back last week saying that I got in!
- visited my Uncle whom has never met me or my sister at all since we were born. He was pretty cool and I had a chance to ask questions about med school and anything related to the medical field. Then we stayed at Imperial Palace (cheapest hotel around... the bed actually sank in the middle!) and visited Bilagio just to look at the flowers and eat ice cream. Yum. 
- Went walking yesterday morning at freaking 7 AM in the morning with 2 of my friends. Tiring. 
- Shopped at Forever 21. I've been going there WAY too much. My whole closet is practically full of just Forever 21 clothing and I wear at least one article of the brand every day. Someone at the Fashion Outlet near Las Vegas thought I actually worked there haha. Amazing...I might as well just do that!
- Watched "Star Trek" and thought it was such a great movie and still do. 

...And now I'm practically just wasting away by sitting here browsing the internet for gosh knows how long. Hm guess it's time to get off now. 

P.S. I'm debating if I should go to Warped Tour this Friday in Pomona again. Most of the bands I never really listened to and some of them I don't like or I've gotten over. However, VersaEmerge is going to show up and I've been really wanting to see them lately. I dunno. $45 worth the time? 

Things won't be the same anymore.
I am already fleeing...somewhere far.
I don't know what to say or do or how to think things through.
Wherever I go
and whatever I do
Failure comes and greets me.

I guess in the long run, sometimes things just take a twist at the end but for the good. 
I have never felt such feelings before...it's as if I floated off  the earth into a territory unknown but only to me. It's like I've seen it but never actually felt it. I dunno... it's a start :)

 So this is my 1st time being at UCR all alone on a weekend...great huh? It's 6:21 PM and I'm beyond bored! What to do...I could either study and read (like I really want to -_-) or go see some friends next door...but not gonna lie, that would be a bit awkward for me? Idk. UGHHH! Seriously, I don't know how my other friend can live through not having her roommate in her room all week except Tuesdays...I would seriously DIE of boredom! I can't even survive a few hours alone. This is pretty weird :( I wonder if anyone else has experienced this before :/ FML.