Ugh, stupid worrying thoughts. This is the first time I recall really being angry at my brain. I’m just fed up with this. It probably wasn’t even what M meant when she said her stomach was upset, and anyway she’s still fine 45 minutes later, but my brain won’t shut up.

Stupid anxious thoughts and the cupcake wasn’t even that good.

(The frosting was amazing, though. I actually didn’t belive it was buttercream at first. It was whipped and it tasted so sweet and rich and dairy-ish that I thought there had to be whipped cream involved.)

Sad feelings rambling

With some hyperbolic language.

Continue reading “Sad feelings rambling” →

Tomorrow I will be alone in the house, and I will make myself a nice big lunch and a nice big dinner, I promise.

Ugh, brain.

I made it more than TWO YEARS but now apparently I finally have anxiety directly related to the thing that started all this. Which is: sandwiches with cheddar cheese on them.

Fuck.

I had a Thing like a month ago where specifically I wasn’t sure if the cheese we had was still good, and that was hard. But now it’s also showing up as a generic minor anxiety thought, too.

——

Yes, I will get back to the kink thing eventually. I had a busy week.

Why have I been feeling more angsty than usual?

I’m reading a book that is fascinating but doesn’t take rape quite seriously enough
Tumblr recommended me posts about ABA therapy– positive ones, from a “proud radical behaviorist”.
AML has a community and I have mildly jealous feelings about that
I haven’t slept well the past few nights
I shouldn’t have read MT’s new fic. That was a big one. Oddly/especially because part of my reaction was “I want to read about someone LIKE ME being all traumatized, instead.”

I think that’s it? Well, it’s enough.

I’ve gotten some nice angsty short stories out of it though– less awful than usual, which is why they actually got written down.

(this was written yesterday but somehow didn’t post)

Tonight I played the “would I rather have cramps or heartburn?” game and… sort of won? Reached a reasonable compromise?

Why does ibuprofen have to be so much more effective on cramps than acetaminophen, but also so much worse for my stomach?

*taking two other meds for the side effects of the first med*

Yesterday I bought shorts.

Really short ones, because if you’re going to do something, why not go all the way?

I haven’t worn anything that showed above my knees in public in probably seven or eight years. (And that was once, and then there were more years of no shorts before that.)

And I don’t really want to bother with shaving my legs very often, but I really, really need to get rid of this thought that “there’s no point in shaving my legs, even if I do it, my skin is ugly anyway.” That’s a shitty thought and I’m tired of it.

Summer is coming, and I only have one little window A/C, and I’m going to wear shorts.

(I convinced Sparkly to get a pair, too!)

(Next project: a bikini, instead of a lovely stylish two-piece swimsuit that covers my stomach. It’s really nice! I like the pattern. But I picked it because I was afraid of showing my stomach, and I’m tired of that.)

God, I’d forgotten about this static-in-my-bones anxiety feeling. It’s like my hands are trembling even when they’re not actually trembling.

I’m about 85% sure at this point that it’s just anxiety, and therefore I will be fine soon, but. Not fun.

—–

Sparkly is sick and I need to remind myself that even if it is contagious and I get sick too, this will not be the end of the world, it will be fine. I have nothing to do the next few days anyway. It will be fine. It will be fine and I’ll get it over with, either way.

Stomach :(

I probably brought this on myself, either just because I ate too fast, or because I can’t just go instantly from eating way too little, to eating decent-sized meals again.

I was doing a lot better physically, for a long while! Not skipping meals solves most of my physical problems! (My anxiety has been fluctuating a lot.)

Well, it could be worse.