with someone in [fan organization], and I’m kind of dreading it.

Soooo background:

Not quite a year ago, the head of our local chapter of [fan organization] had a big party at her house, for her friends, and her roommate’s friends, and [fan organization] members and their friends. Lots of people, in other words.
This guy, let’s call him P, who is a [fan organization] member, came with his wife and his sister-in-law.
The sister-in-law looks kind of like me. (He insists that she looks remarkably like me; she doesn’t. She’s significantly taller and skinnier, her hair is straighter, her face is narrower. But apparently we have the same mannerisms/body language.)
I remember hearing P say something about how she’s always so quiet, and it’ll do her good to get out of the house and socialize, and yeah she’s probably having fun even if she doesn’t look like it, it’s hard to tell with her.
I’m remembering all this because about a week ago, P mentioned her to me to tell me how much I look and act like her. And comment on how quiet I am. And comment on my posture and how I fidget. And say he’d like to get a picture of the two of us next to each other, to prove it.

Later that night, he asked me multiple times if I was okay, in an oddly intense way, because I took a break to check my phone/play mind-relaxing phone games. Like he couldn’t believe I could want to be there but also want to take a break.

The week before that, he was marvelling over me having a skirt similar to one his wife has. Inoccuous statement, excessive  surprised, curious staring.

A week and a half before that, he was marvelling that I came to an event he hosted. Inoccuous statements, excessive curious staring, like he was trying to figure out what could possibly be going on in my head.

—-

I’m going to say, About your sister-in-law. Yeah, I remember her. I also remember you saying… (the above). And I remember being a little irritated on her behalf, because it really annoys me when people treat me like that– like they’re starting a project to improve me. Do you know what I mean? I’ve had people try to do that a couple of times. So I wanted to ask you: please don’t do that to me. It’s rude. I’ll be social on my own schedule, I don’t need someone to make me do things for my own good.

And hopefully he’ll respond in a reasonable manner.

—-

I don’t know if it’s obvious to other people or not, is the thing.

(I am going to keep it low-key. I am not going to say this to him.)

But he looks at me like I’m a zoo exhibit that just started talking. Like he can’t believe that someone as weird as me can be an actual person he can communicate with, instead of a mute object for him to pass judgment on/guide around. Like I’m so unbelievably exotic and strange, having the audacity to live my life and be in public and talk to people.

The bottom of my objection to his attitude is, he’s not treating me like a full person.

So I don’t know how what I say will come across! I don’t know if this is something that CAN be kept low-key. If I say it in a way that’s more specific to the situation, if I say “Don’t treat me like I’m your pet project”, will people not notice that I could have just said “Don’t treat me like I’m your pet”? It might sound like I’m comically understating things (which I sort of am.) I’m not sure. I’m not sure if the dynamic is visible to anyone else.

I hope that if I keep it to a fairly specific action, it’ll seem like an understandable mistake and a reasonable boundary, and he’ll respond in kind.

But it’s not an understandable mistake, actually.

—-

Laying it out like I did up there, I want to cry. The way he looks at me is DISGUSTING. I shouldn’t have to deal with this.

But I’ve had to deal with similar things plenty of times.

It doesn’t surprise me and I don’t expect to be able to stop it;

or, it’s an inherently subtle and tricky thing to identify;

or, I personally have difficulty translating feelings like this into words with any kind of speed;

anyway, I don’t get to snap at him and call him out and stop this shit in its tracks. Like would be nice. Like you imagine doing when someone is rude to you. You want to be perfect and clearly right and cut them down, and know everyone will support you.

But what I get to do is:

I get to go with my heart in my mouth, and put my case that he’s treating me like he does this other girl, deciding what’ll do me good; and tell him I don’t like that, like it might just be a personal preference; and ask him to not do it in the future.

And HOPE he takes me seriously. Hope he doesn’t laugh. Hope this doesn’t twist into gossip about me totally overreacting to something. And alternatively, hope he doesn’t get angry. Hope he doesn’t say How dare I accuse him of… whatever, he would never, etc., and demand an apology from me.

Hope he doesn’t say Wow, of course, I’m sorry, but then stare at me ten times as hard because the Statue of a Quiet Girl asserted a boundary OMG how fascinating.

Because my experience is, I might be able to get him to back off a little. But you can never actually prove you’re a person to someone who doesn’t see it.