Sleepy Animals, or: Sparkly likes to fall asleep to the sound of my voice

This is just a small selection of the ones I’ve done.

The sleepy kitten

The sleepy kitten is so small and cute.
The sleepy kitten streeeetches her back, and walks around in a circle, and curls up in a ball.
She puts her pointy little chin on top of her paws, and she blinks her sleepy eyes, and she wiggles her whiskers, and she falls asleep.
Sometimes while she’s sleeping, she dreams, and her ears twitch and her paws twitch and her nose twitches. She has good dreams about chasing toys.

The sleepy puppy

The sleepy puppy loves to snuggle up next to its friends.
The sleepy puppy goes dig dig dig until the blankets are just right, and then it wiggles and wriggles and worms its butt into the tightest snuggliest place it can find.
Then, the sleepy puppy stretches out, and lays its head down so its ears flop out on the ground, and goes to sleep.

The sleepy giraffe

The sleepy giraffe folds up its long legs, and tucks them underneath its body, and turns itself into a nice comfy giraffe loaf, just like a cat loaf.
Then, it curls its neck allllll the way around, and rests its head on its own back.
Then the sleepy giraffe flutters its big soft eyelashes and goes to sleep.

I just had the opposite of a relationship talk– said that we are not dating or being romantic or anything like that, internet flirting notwithstanding– and it is a huge relief to have that established, because I am a huge ball of anxiety when it comes to people expecting things from me.

The Lieutenant Leary series and sociopathy

Or, Why do I care about Tovera?

Tovera is completely unique in my experience.

Usually, when a fictional character is labelled in canon as a sociopath (or a psychopath, or sometimes schizophrenia gets the same treatment), they might as well be called a demon instead. The effective meaning of the word sociopath– the way it’s commonly used– is a person who does evil things for no reason. It lets authors import Sauron-style inherent and implacable evil into a non-fantasy setting. It creates a character whose actions don’t have to be explained, because they are, by (unofficial) definition, outside of human reason.

I wouldn’t really have a problem with that, if they’d just go ahead and say “demon” or “evil”– if people didn’t use the word sociopath this way, and then also believe that sociopathy is a medical diagnosis, a real condition that a person could actually have. “This character is evil for no reason” is an acceptable conceit in a piece of fiction, where many things are simplified and we’re asked to suspend disbelief. It’s not a depiction of any real person. People have reasons for the things that they do, even if they aren’t good reasons, and evil is not a medical condition.

I’m afraid that that may be the hardest point to accept in this whole thing, but it’s the most important one: Evil is not a biological characteristic. It is not a fundamental property of certain people’s brains. No one is congenitally predestined to be evil.

Mental illnesses and cognitive disabilities can certainly be a factor in why people make bad decisions or do harmful things (along with a million other factors.) Where we go wrong when it comes to “sociopathy” and its relatives is in thinking that mental illness and evil are one and the same thing. That mental illness inevitably makes people evil, or that every evil person must be mentally ill, or that true, deep evil comes from mental illness and nothing a sane person could do is really as serious.

This specter of mental illness as evil is very, very common in fiction of all kinds, and also in mostly-nonfiction based on actual criminals. These ideas pop up in people’s minds whenever there’s a high-profile crime. Ordinary people, talking casually about mass murderers, call them “crazy” and “depraved” and “sick,” and news outlets positively rush to suggest in all seriousness that such criminals are mentally ill. (At least when they’re white. Otherwise the “terrorist” or “thug” angles may win out.)

Tovera is unique, and David Drake is unique, because when he writes that Tovera is a sociopath, he doesn’t mean that she’s evil for no reason.

Instead of being an implacable evil, completely unaffected by anything, she’s well aware that her mind works differently from most people’s, and she feels vulnerable because of it. She wants to fit into society, but she doesn’t know how to. From her reaction to Adele and what she says about her former employer, it seems that in the past, people who’ve realized that she’s different have either found her disgusting, or tried to take advantage of her and use her as a tool. The most compelling line, to me, is something she says to Adele near the end of the book–

“I told Markos [Tovera’s former employer] you were too dangerous to use the way he tried to,” Tovera said musingly. “He didn’t believe me. He didn’t think I could know anything about people.”

Tovera has spent a long time in the power of someone who thought she was barely human. She depended on him, not just for practical things like her paycheck, but for the entirety of her sense of direction and purpose in a world she feels lost in. He told her she couldn’t understand people, even when she thought she did, and she at least partly believed him. That she would have so little confidence in herself that she put Markos’ judgment of her abilities above her own shows just how inadequate and vulnerable she feels without someone to guide her.

All in all, Tovera behaves like an actual person with a disability, not like a caricature of a villain. It seems to me that David Drake isn’t exactly sure what it is that Tovera lacks– “conscience,” “empathy,” and “understanding of social norms” aren’t exactly the same thing, after all– or how he wants to define “sociopathy,” but whatever it is it’s still a cut above defining it as an uncontrollable urge to murder people in inventive ways.

I also like the fairly explicit parallel between Tovera and Adele, and to a lesser extent between Tovera and Daniel in the later books. Rather than being contrasted against the main characters, as an example of evil or disease, Tovera and her explicit label of “sociopath” serve to point out just how little empathy Adele and Daniel often show, and how easy it would be to argue that they deserve the same label.

They are all willing to resort to as much violence as is necessary to protect themselves and accomplish their goals. They all react to violence and danger calmly, whether as victims or as perpetrators. Daniel and Adele have had to learn to do that in order to survive. They’ve both lived through situations where panicking or freezing in the face of danger would only put them in more danger.

Labelling a character as a sociopath generally means the audience is supposed to view them as inhuman. When David Drake labels Tovera as a sociopath, and then shows her vulnerability and her similarity to the main characters, he affirms Tovera’s humanity and theirs, and that of everyone who has done cruel things to stay alive.

I saw a post on Tumblr that talked about how people with Down syndrome are stereotyped as being always happy, and how they can feel pressured to act happy all the time for fear of disappointing/upsetting people. “Positive” stereotypes are still restricting, after all.

(And I was like Yeah, that’s a really shitty thing about that stereotype, and there are some similar stereotypes about disability in general, being “inspiring” and “not letting it stop you” and “not giving up” and so forth. Good post.)

One person commented saying that they’ve run events to teach people with disabilities about self-advocacy and disability rights, and one of the things they have to talk about is that it’s ok to disagree with people, to make people mad, to assert your own opinions and take up space.

And then I was like No, wait, but doesn’t everyone feel like that? Isn’t simply expressing an opinion and expecting people to listen scary for everyone?

No, Minty. No. That’s you.

Stuff I did to deal with anxiety, part 2

I found that unless I made a conscious effort to find things to feel relieved about, every bad thing I had worried about that didn’t happen would slip past me unnoticed, while I went straight on to worrying about the next thing. I did two things related to this:

I thought back to things that I had been worried about some time before, and reminded myself that if they hadn’t happened by now, they weren’t going to, and this meant that whatever risky thing I’d done had actually been safe. This was good on an immediate level because it made it easier to feel physically relaxed and less anxious, when I had a specific thing to be glad about. It also, eventually, let me build up the idea that certain things weren’t actually risky, because I kept doing them and they kept turning out okay.

I also decided on specific time limits on some specific things I was anxious about. “[Bad thing] would happen within [time] from [risky thing], so if that much time passes and it hasn’t happened, I can stop worrying.”

Every year around this time, I accidentally almost-burn myself several times in the kitchen, because I’m not used to my fingers being a normal human temperature and I forget that my ability to touch hot objects without getting burned has decreased.

I thought I might have really actually burned myself today, on the little metal thing that connects the body of my frying pan to the plastic handle, but nothing seems to have come of it.

I’m still pondering all the appendices/extra things that I didn’t put in the “Why I think I’m autistic” series. I have four now, I think– empathy, “theory of mind”, applied behavioral analysis, and there’s one thing I linked to that goes down a “autistic people are actually all geniuses!” kind of path, which I don’t agree with, and I want to address that. Oh, and I also might do one on possible reasons why I wasn’t diagnosed as a kid.

I never know what to write about it, because it’s all wibbly unspecific feelings, but Sparkly and Numbers Guy are both so wonderful, and they’re so cute together. Watching them play with our cats is one of my favorite things. Playful and snuggly and cute suits them both so well.

It really seems like Numbers Guy has gotten a lot more comfortable with the situation, too, which is a relief. I honestly really like him, and it’s great that we’re able to talk to each other and be friendly. He even offered to pay for my ticket to [fan organization event], although I said no because I didn’t really want to go.