Bullying 2

A significant part of the foundation of this— the reason so many things didn’t Seem Like Bullying to me– was internalized ableism. Because part of the definition of an Insult, and therefore of Bullying, in my mind, was untruthfulness.  If someone calls you something, and it’s not true, or if it is true but it’s an inherently offensive way of putting it, like a slur– that’s what an insult is, young me would have said.

If someone calls you something, and it upsets you, but it’s both objectively true and objectively bad, not something that ought to be a neutral characteristic…

  1. Objective badness is debatable
  2. This situation can be just as harmful as hearing insult-type hurtful things

 

3. Young me didn’t understand either of those things.

 

Sparkly is just so wonderful and cute. I love trading words with em and learning about French and Latin and teaching em Spanish. Ey has been calling me silly pet names in Spanish lately, which is wonderful, and of course I always love discussing grammar.

The most recen thing was, if I want to ask “How do you know that I’m delicious?” while arguing that I’m not actually edible, I should probably use the subjunctive (I think?) “How do you know that I might, possibly be delicious?

Bullying

A few days ago I thought to myself (in response to a Tumblr post about bullying prevention) “If you asked middle-school-me whether she was being bullied, she’d say of course not, but in retrospect, it was subtle but there were some things…”

and then the list of things, once I started making it, was way longer than I expected it to be, which sort of proves the point.

Continue reading “Bullying” →

Sorry Mom

 

I’m tired but something reminded me of this so here’s a totally inconsequential opinion:

The Great Divorce by C. S. Lewis should be called The Great Straw Man instead.

Putting an argument in the mouth of a character who doesn’t really believe it themself, is not the same as actually making a counterargument.

Makeup again

Looking back on it a while (like a month) later, I actually feel pretty good about this one comment I made on Tumblr. Nobody responded and I’m kind of disappointed, because I honestly think it’s a valid point?

If you’re going to talk about sexism and beauty standards and societal pressure to wear makeup and certain styles of clothes… there should be an opening in the conversation for women who DON’T wear makeup, who DON’T dress in respectable feminine ways (for whatever reason) and who are therefore probably experiencing firsthand exactly how much pressure there is to do those things.

The experience of being in the safe(ish) societally approved box and feeling trapped there, and the experience of failing to fit in that box and being punished for it, are both of them important to describing that societal pressure.

If the way you talk about that pressure is “women have No Choice Whatsoever about wearing makeup, it is Completely Impossible to have a genuine opinion about whether you want to wear makeup or not because sexism is Totally Irresistible”… what are women who don’t wear makeup supposed to think about that? Is it really not possible for you to describe your feelings of fear and trappedness without claiming that other people don’t exist?

When People Are Upset With You 1.0

(I said I’d write A Thing for someone. This is 1.0 in the sense of “part one” and also in the sense of “first draft”.)

When someone is upset or angry with me, I may be upset or anxious or angry too, in response, but:

If they misunderstood what I intended, I don’t blame them for misunderstanding me– I mean, I don’t see it as their fault, I don’t think they need to fix the situation by learning to understand [people/me] better. I misunderstand people a lot too, even when I try my best.

“Just never misunderstand people” is not a realistically possible solution to the problem, so– ideally, at least– there should be a process for clearing up that misunderstanding and fixing its bad effects as much as possible.

If they object to the tone or wording of what I said but not the content, I don’t blame them for being upset by those things. I get upset by subtle, intangible stuff like “tone” sometimes too. I get upset by things that are totally true and necessary to say, but stressful to hear, sometimes too.

“Just stop feeling upset for reasons that aren’t objectively serious enough [by whatever standard]” is not a realistically possible solution. Ideally, there should be a way for both of us to deal with our hurt and still be on speaking terms.