Hello. I'm Sithris, and I'm here to write (hopefully). I've
been reading Auspher/Ausfers stories, and have decided to write my own. They
may be very heavily similar to his for a while, but I don't mean this in an
“I'm copying you" way. Anyway, the story
contains a guy, and a dragon. Must I spell out the rest? You came here to read
so read, if you didn't, well, read anyway. Any comments or criticism are
appreciated. WARNING: I am trying to have a plot. It might fail though. Also, I
suck at keeping to third or first person, so forgive me if it randomly swaps
between them.
It was a warm afternoon on the farm. Chris walked out of his
little house. Time to feed the animals
He thought to himself. Stretching, he walked over to the shed. His house wasn't
the biggest of things, but it was his, and seeing as though it was his parent's
farm, he was happy to not “live" with them all the time. The shed however, was
a large tin structure, covered in rust and holes. It was a wonder how it still
held itself up.
He ducked inside and flicked on the lights. Rats ran back into their little hidey-holes at the
sudden change in light. Chris walked over to the hay bales and picked one up. A
snake stirred from where it was, appearing angry that its sleeping quarters had
been disturbed. “Oops, sorry" he said, and the snake slithered under another
hay bale. He hoisted the hay bale into the trailer of the truck and when to
grab some vegetable mix. He pulled his shirt over his mouth and lifted the lid
to the mix. The fruit flies living within all flew out and settled around the
shed. He grabbed the scoop and got a few vegetables out, throwing them into a
bucket in the truck.
After feeding the horses and pigs, he drove over to the more, 'unusual' animals they had. Lined up in a row a group of pens had been build
to house young dragons. His family were dragon tamers, and worked to train,
teach and eventually sell the hatchlings. The eggs came from a mating pair up
in the hills, who would share half of their clutch every season, in exchange for
a constant supply of food.
Parking the truck a distance away from the pens, not wanting
to startle the hatchlings, he got out and walked. Peering in one of the pens,
he could see the young dragon within curled up on its makeshift bed of straw
and scrap pieces of fabric. He snuck in and closed the door behind him.
Sneaking over to the dragon, he knelt down and put a hand on its wing. The
dragon stirred and rolled over, lazily opening an eye. Seeing Chris, the young
dragon instantly rose from its stupor and got on its feet. The hatchlings were
still very young, and could barely talk yet; however, they knew one word and
what to associate it with.
“Food!" The young dragon chirped. “Food, Food!" Chris
laughed, “Yes little guy, food" Reaching behind him, he pulled a strip of jerky
from the satchel around his waist. “Sit"
he told the dragon, who obediently sat on its haunches, wagging its tail
profusely. Careful not to get his fingers in the way, he held to jerky out to
the dragon, which happily opened its mouth and took it. Giving the dragon a rub
on the snout, he stood up and moved to the next pen. This pen appeared empty,
but Chris knew better. He could see a circle of dirt stirred up from where
wings had been flapping. Pretending to be oblivious, he walked in a put the
jerky on the bed, and leaned against the wall.
3...2...1...
With a flurry of wind, the small purple dragon dropped off
the roof and pounced on the food. Laughing despite himself, Chris walked over
and stroked the dragon's spines. This one had recently learned to fly, and couldn't
stand being on the ground. Walking into the last pen, he noted that the air in
here was quite hot. Looking at the ground, he saw burn marks on the grass, and
noted the smell of burning fabric. Walking over to the fire extinguisher
hanging on the wall, he pulled it off and turned to the bed. Sure enough, the
little red dragon was fire breathing in its sleep again, and had ignited its
bed. Sighing, he aimed the extinguisher at the bed and pulled the trigger,
waking the dragon with a start. Not quite realising what was happening, the
hatchling bolted behind Chris and curled around his legs.
“Relax you dopey dragon" he said, flicking a piece of jerky
behind him. “You're lucky your scales are fireproof" The dragon pounced on the
meat, and started tearing at it, quickly forgetting everything else. Chris
opened a window to let some of the heat out of the room, and walked back out to
the truck. One more dragon to go, he
thought. Pulling back up near his house, he went inside and took the now cooked
chicken out of the oven. He put it in a carry box and came back out of his
house. Turning to the left and heading that way, he wondered what Reena was
doing.
Reena was his dragon.
When his family had gotten their first batch of eggs, they told Chris he could
keep one. Not that he really had a choice in the matter. Once Reena had
hatched, she instantly bonded to Chris, and refused to leave him. They had
spent 8 years together now, as companions and friends. She now had her own
luxury pen a little ways away from Chris' house, and often only stayed there to
sleep. Walking up to it, he put the carry box on the floor and opened the door.
Peering in, he saw the deep blue scales of her back facing him, and the light
blue wings folded over her. Reaching for the food and closing the door, he
walked over to the little dining setup, and started to prepare the food.
Reena was about the size of a horse, only much more heavily
built. She had a hide made up of tiny scales that ran down her back, smooth chest
scales and a softer underbelly. Chris had often marvelled at the way dragons
looked, and often studied Reena, who gladly let him, as she often got a good
petting in the process.
Chris served up pieces of chicken onto a couple of plates.
There was no real point to doing this, but Reena enjoyed eating like a human,
and Chris didn't mind. Chris lit some candles and sat down, content to watch
his dragon sleep for the moment. The moment didn't last long. Reena stirred
from her sleep at the smell of food, and rolled over to gaze over at Chris with
her bright yellow eyes, a bright contrast against her blue body. She smiled,
showing her teeth and licked her lips. “Mmmm, for me Chris?"
She rolled onto her back and stretched. “You always treat me so well Chris." Chris
laughed.
“Gotta make sure my favourite dragon is happy"
“Well you do a very good job" She said, walking up to the
table. She hopped up onto the chair and
sat down. Chris reached over and gave her an affectionate rub on the cheek.
Reena hummed and licked his hand.
“Eat up, my lovely" Chris said smiling. Reena gave him
another lick and turned to her plate.
“Mmmm chicken" She said, taking in the smell. She picked up
a piece with her tongue and dug in to her dinner. After they were done, Chris
walked over to Reena's bed, which was quite large to accommodate her growing,
and sat down. He patted the bed next to him and invited Reena to come and sit.
Reena walked over to the fireplace and lit it with a burst of flames from her
maw, then wandered over to Chris. Hopping up next to him, she curled up behind
him and laid down. Chris leaned into her and laid back, scratching her chest
scales.
Reena murred at the touch and wrapped her wing around him.
I had no idea my story would actually get read!
Ok, motivated now. Next chapter under way! (It'l have good bits :P )
The good:
--> Description. Although shabby in certain places, you do manage to give a sense of space and how the characters look.
The bad:
--> The story feels a bit choppy. Chris jumps from dragon to dragon without much of a purpose to guide him. He fed the dragons, yes, but a piece of jerky isn't much of a meal, and his motives aren't clearly explained.
--> The information focuses solely on the visual aspect. How do dragons talk? Why are they here? Why is the family breeding these guys? And lastly...
--> Reena somehow earned a privileged position in the pack, but you will have to explain how and why in the next chapters.
What needs improvement:
--> Pacing. Cut on the passive description and move on to the active one. "Tell, don't show" works wonders for a story. "Her scales gripped and pinched his skin" works better than "her scales were rough sharp"
--> Character development: This will come in due time, so don't worry about it. Still, you should paint a clearer image of who Chris is, and I'm not just referring to his physical appearance.
--> Contradictions: Dragons shouldn't be helpless and rely on humans. If you do make them so, I expect an explanation on how a flying predator cannot catch its own food. No sane living being would trade its offspring for food.
--> Relationships: Please explain the relationship between humans and dragons in the next chapter. What circumstances allowed for these majestic and powerful beings to be raised at a farm like cattle?