But Naaaaaahhh. I'm going to be sooooo good this year. *snort*
devious
devious
giddy
okay
The first drink is because I’m nervous; I’ve fretted over this date all week. He seemed to really like me when he asked me out, but then, he doesn’t really know me.
The second is a chaser that will kick start the high. I want to be at least comfortable when my Valentine gets here.
The third is because I am starting to enjoy the taste of the wine as it settles on my tongue. It sends a pleasant buzz through me and the reflection that peers back at me as I run a finger under my eye, removing a smudge of mascara, even looks prettier somehow.
I am actually looking forward to his arrival by the fourth glass of wine. I check my look in the mirror, smoothing down my clothing and wondering how long it’ll take him to realize he’s made a mistake; that upon second glance, I’m not what he wants. But then he knocks on my door and we exchange awkward greetings and are on our way.
The fifth drink is brought to the table by a waiter attired in crisp white and black. It’s been almost an hour without the bittersweet liquid and I reach out for it with a practiced hand; not eagerly, (I don’t wish to appear a lush) just smoothly and efficiently, sipping lightly, yet deceptively frequently as I strive to be witty and entertaining.
The sixth is where I begin to lose count. Not because I’m stonkered. No, I still have the majority of my wits about me. (After all, I drink to gain confidence, to be fun and interesting. I didn’t come out with the plan to embarrass myself by getting legless.) No, I lose count because my oversized glass is continuously refilled by unassuming staff that is trained to respect privacy.
We are well into our second bottle by the time our dessert plates disappear, and I have had more than my fair share, but if he notices, he doesn’t say anything. Perhaps he puts it down to nerves. Or maybe he feels he doesn’t have to try as hard as me. I find that thought attractive, and anyway, I’ve tried hard enough for the both of us.
The bill is paid and now I owe him, (he did pick me to take out when he could have chosen someone better) so after emptying the last of the wine into my glass, I thank him and drink it without hesitation for once, on the premise of not keeping him waiting
He suggests we continue the evening elsewhere and I show my pleasure at the idea, for I am pleased; the possibility that he likes my company enough, likes me enough, to not want the night to end, adds buoyancy to the trickle of hope that treacherously escaped my earlier notice - hope that I would otherwise of quashed because I know that he will not find lasting happiness with me. I already know how this will end.
I past tipsy more than two hours ago by the time we leave the second establishment of the night. I think I may also have past flirting and have the vague, yet gnawing feeling I’m behaving far more like a whore. But then, by this time of night, I understand that there could be only one reason he’s still here, and I’m not going to let him go home thinking that the evening had been a waste of time – that I had been a waste of time. I’m undressing him as soon as I can and using everything I’ve ever leaned about pleasing a man (no insignificant list since its one of my few assets) to make sure he knows the dinner and drinks and hours of banter were worth it.
It’s loud and wet and sloppy and frantic all at the same time, and when we’re finished there are the usual appreciative comments between slowing pants and then finally… the vast, un-fillable silence that makes it unavoidably obvious I am lying naked next to a stranger.
The stranger takes his cue and reaches for his pants.
And then I’m alone. Sweaty and sticky and a mess and tired. Really tired.
In the morning while suffering a dry mouth and nursing a headache I’m already thinking of ways to evade him to get out of going out with him again. Now that I’ve started the sex, he’ll expect it from me again. That’s why he’ll ask me out again after all. Come to think of it, that’s why he asked me in the first place or he would have abstained and said he respected me too much. Or something. I knew I was right not to hope for something more, something magical or romantic. Something lasting. These things never turn out well for me, just one disaster after another. I mean, if I can’t make it on Valentines Day, when my date is automatically predisposed to romance, then what hope have I got? It’s really no wonder I drink.
mellow
sick
uncomfortable
bouncy