Hmmmm. I guess I should have give up a long time ago on things going my way. I'm not truely a dark person it's just at times like these when i'm nervous I can't see how anything could possibly go right.

I understand that people get sick of others. I happens.

I just don't want to fade out of view again. I don't trust myself of what I would do with the situation. I can only laugh at the little things and grasp what I have in my hand at this moment, knowing that plans at this pointy are faulty. I just wish I had a promise....not that the human animal can keep a promise either. I guess what I want is hope? Cause I hope for even a part of what I have to stay.

If I could I'd like a million "pearls of wisdom." I could at least give them out as party favors.

I never realized the freedom of admitting absolutely everything to someone. Forgetting the fear of judgement and loss of whatever you had with that person. Whether it be love, friendship or something else? Sometimes you have to realize that not everything ends up in loss, and that actually hearing your feelings out loud does feel GOOD.
No hiding and no fear. If the person really likes you....maybe they'll stay?

I have to wonder, am I that bad a person? Just because I attached a miserable feeling to someone who probably didn't deserve it, just because I wanted a reason for why I felt so bad? I'm allowed to have feelings. It's just I didn't realize that there were levels to hating someone. I have hated and felt justified. The times where I don't feel justified make me feel dirty. Maybe I am not of good character.

I got a collective group of people to admit to my gullibility (that's not a word, but i'll go with it) and had a few berate me on decisions because of it. I forgave too easily. I must say that I don't think that's the case, but if it is, please mind your own business. It's been rolling around in my head, this frustration of making a decision and not being understood except by a few, and even then the acceptance is like a little kid being petted by a grown up. I have to admit the color may be blond but please don't judge me by it. What ever comes of the decisions I make, I WILL reap what I sow. I understand this.

There was a reason I left LJ....It collectively remembers things I'd rather forget.

I am growing outwards. If you choose to grow alongside of me i'd be glad of your company.

would you go with me?
If we rolled down streets fo fire
would you hold on to me tighter
as the summer sun got higher
as we rode from town to town and never shut it down

Would you go with me if we were lost in fields of clover
Would we walk even closer until the trip was over
And would it be okay if I didn't know the way

If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without
you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Let me know if you're really a dream
I love you so, so would you go with me

Would you go with me if we rode the clouds together
Could you not look down forever
If you were lighter than a feather
Oh, and if I set you free, would you go with me

Nevermind. I am composed.

>_

my glass is sweating
ice cube erotica
in puddles on the table.
hee.

a glance, a pace, a turn of the head, the flash of your throat as you breathe, they were all my spies.

King Haggard you bitch.

fuck you.
Once again it's been unrealized.
Did it again and just let things go.
Somebody told me it's a waste of time,
and the sad thing is I agree.
fuck you.
today's my day.
not yours.
my time to shine.
so go away.
do me a favor
and fuck off.

I have dubbed it Eldoris, and so he (or at least that's what i'm guessing) and Nemo can listen to me rant from their seperate bowls. Eldoris is a carnival goldfish brough to me by my friend Erika. She won three, and this one seems pretty lively. I like to think of that as a good sign.

So here's one for the fishies.


She's a little bit messed up inside.
things tend to do that.
punch drunk without the blows,
probably hurts worse in the end.
Seventy times out of seven
she'll never cry.
Girls don't do that ya'know?

She's a little bent now.
Pushed to far and lost it.
hey kid you're done.
smile.