My journaling is for my peace of mind.....and for your protection.

So I'm writing a poem called Listen Up, Fuckers. It will be for any future boyfriends or potential male "suitors". Because truthfully I'm at the point of being sick and tired of being used for everybody's ragdoll/sex toy. I hate the fact that people even look at me like oh yeah sure I can certainly hurt you and it's no big deal. Oh, f*** off. My feelings matter. My feelings matter.

Listen up, fuckers.

I'm being forced to explain myself
So that people may understand
The "why" behind the things I do
Even though I'm as transparent
as possible, some people just don't get it. How I can be the way that I am.

I am a complex creature. Caught between
A ST:TNG style metamorph and my own domestic earthly Superwoman.
Because what people can't comprehend is
You don't end up so hell-bent on unconditional love unless
You grew.up thinking you're a defective toy
That could be exchanged at the slightest whim; and why did momma leave? Oh,
Even she couldn't deal with the me that I am

You don't love people so passionately unless you lived through a marriage so devoid of feeling anything but sadness and anger
You don't get to be so calm without knowing, realizing anger is a gift
Denied to all but the rich and powerful.
You don't grow to be so accepting of others without feeling so unacceptable
As a being, so different and weird
A life of an unfunny court jester
acceptance goes both ways
And you don't learn to walk away so hard
Without knowing the feeling of
Being utterly destroyed by unrequited love

I'm the type of person that only develops feelings for you
if your energy reflects a crush on me, even if
you'd rather deny the crush/ even if you don't exactly understand
why a fat middle-aged woman would cause those feelings inside you.

I don't know what I want anymore.
But I would rather be the Madonna
over being the whore.

My passion can be boundless, my spirit is endless.
Its why I come to rescue you from your thoughts at 3:45 AM,
why I rescue outside dogs at 20 degrees out, why I speak out
against any "ism". My passion is a blessing, but also
maybe why you learn to hate me.

I know this makes me a complicated book.
You will have fun enjoying the chapters but don't bother
picking me up if you don't plan on reading past the back cover.

So I guess it should tell you. Shit went down with Courtney. He's going to visit his ex-girlfriend /"love of his life" who dumped in 12 years ago because his ED issues. I wasn't so much upset over the newest Revelation as I was over the fact that he never really loved me during our entire relationship cuz he was never over her. I sensed this the whole relationship but I ignored it because I'm a tool. Also upset that most likely, he's moving to Seattle now, out of the blue (even tho he says it will take a lot of convincing, I'm not stupid).
Admittedly, I'm a little upset that he would never bother to even visit Collingswood for me but he'll go to Seattle for her. Like traveling was not in our cards but for her he'll visit the ends of the Earth.
I told him that I felt that the two and a half years we spent together was for nothing, and he started to cry. He felt as if I was insulting our relationship, and yet I felt as if him staying with me insulted me the whole time. He says he learned a lot. Like how a girlfriends love is actually supposed to feel. Like how unconditional love is supposed to feel. And now he knows what to ask for from his ex-girlfriend (because my love wasn't enough naturally).

There has been some interesting s*** happening in my life as of late. I wanted to write it on Facebook but some of it seems a little personal so I'll just put it here and then put it on Facebook and see if anybody wants to listen. So check this out:

- I keep getting these weird pregnancy dreams where I'm not even a party to the pregnancy. I'm just carrying a baby that I didn't know I was carrying. I wake up in this guy I used to know is claiming to be the father. And here he is with my family and his family and they're all happy that I'm pregnant. I'm not even a willing carrier at this point - yes I will admit those dreams spooked me.

- at a recent Grove events for a group I circle with, two of the divinations were sensual pleasure which I was told is a common one, and Fertile Earth. This only scares me because their Omens end up bringing very true in my life. They have signalled major changes and shit

- couple of my ex-boyfriends have found ways back into my life. And it's kind of weirding me out. I'm still friends with Courtney so that's not what I'm counting. Ira who I haven't spoken to in two and a half years just called me out of the blue and I think he's been calling a lot because a lot of those numbers that have been calling from a restricted and he knows that I won't pick him up
Ira who I haven't spoken to in two and a half years just called me out of the blue and I think he's been calling a lot because a lot of those numbers that have been calling from a restricted and he knows that I won't pick up if he calls. I let it go when one of my exes started liking my friends post ( we are not Facebook friends directly). It could just be a coincidence even though I was in a lot of them. I don't care at this point. What really weirded me out was the fact that a guy that I knew back in the days of migente. Com had contacted me out of the blue, after six years. What the hell really.

- the other day, I cheated death. I had a post about that but involved an 18-wheeler at 11:30 at night not slowing down at a yellow to red light when I was stopped.

- I got not one but two advertisements for pregnancy stuff. One so I can put a stork on my lawn if I wanted to announce to the World Hears my child please kidnap her, or I got some coupons for Similac because I'm not lactating enough. Because I'm not lactating enough because I don't have a kid you f****** dultz

- finally, I got my. Yesterday. It actually happened about 15 minutes after I got the notices in the mail. And I didn't believe it was my period at first because it has been a few months but today I started getting cramps. And the cramps started after I start taking the Aleve. It's like what the hell body

' so pretty much, I'm staying away from all men especially in the next two weeks until at least October ends. Cuz I cannot deal with this s*** right now. I say this now but who knows what the hell is going to happen

This is a quiz that I found online. And I wanted to be able to answer in a non judgemental area before I put my answers online. This way I can think things through.

Ask yourself if you can honestly say ‘No’ to all of these questions.

It should go without saying that discussing racism is difficult. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and people often find themselves either talking past one another or retreating to their corners, never to meet again.

Over the past two years, I have devoted a significant amount of time to facilitating discussions about race on Twitter. I have learned, after watching and participating in thousands of these conversations, that one consistent sticking point is the assertion “White people are racist.”

Because in America, we have come to think of racism only in terms of its extremes (slavery, Nazis, the KKK, Jim Crow, etc.), when Black people call out systemic racism, the average White person, not seeing themselves in any of these extremes, responds with defensiveness. This resistance to being considered complicit in systemic racism is exemplified by the Twitter hashtag #NotAllWhitePeople. This is a constant refrain in my discussions. “I am exempt!”

In America, we have come to think of racism only in terms of its extremes.

But anti-Blackness is deeply rooted in American culture, extending far beyond the most egregious examples of racist aggression. Racism manifests in laws, in advertisements, in economic policy, in media portrayals, in criminal justice, and in general society. We have all been steeped in it, and that you as a person have been unaffected by it is highly unlikely.

If you still think there’s no way you’re at all racist as a White person, here’s a quick quiz.

For the record, I am sure I am prejudiced. We all are.

The questions aren’t exhaustive and nobody is scoring you but you. So be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you can say “No” to all the following:
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( Forced SocializationCollapse )

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This quiz doesn't even tread the surface on all of my prejudices towards all people of all colors. I grew up in the '80's when it was ok to mock Asians and we did so very much in my family. Latinos - yes I grew up surrounded by people of all colors but some were walking stereotypes. This included all of the people I knew who ID'd themselves from a predominantly PuertoRican home at least until I was 13. My aunt and her family lived in Texas so there was a whole other set of stereotypes I had of Mexicans, so I had at least that separation in my brain (as opposed to the white people who lump Puertoricans, Cubans, Dominicans, and Mexicans as all "brown" people who have the same customs and love each other completely). People with religious and lifestyle differences? Eh, things changed when I was 11 and my dad married my stepmother (or as everyone in my dad's family called her, "THE JEEEEWWW!!!"). For her part, my mom trying to keep me religious also gave me a few experiences with being the only 2 white people on a bus full of baptists to Philadelphia. So I don't think I ever had the chance to "other" people of color, as some white people with "culture shock" do.

I've done a lot of work in confronting those biases as they present themselves. Certainly I am not perfect. But I also don't need a pat on the back for doing what is the kind, compassionate thing to do anyway.

Dunno what is "wrong" with me, or if anything is "wrong" with me (maybe it's YOU).  But I know I can relate to 99% of this list and with all the other sh*t that went on in my life, it all makes sense.  My commentary is added in the color I could find closest to Dusty Rose.

Taken from: www.myaspergerschild.com/2011/01/aspies-get-bad-rap.html

Aspergers is often called the “Geek Syndrome” because Aspies act so different from the social norm and have excessive knowledge and obsession with different things. For example, they may obsess about things like Robin Hood, the Peanuts gang, maps, trains, baseball cards, and Civil War history. This is not seen as normal to many people (these days it's FAR more important to obsess about the Kardashians, Jerseylicious, or the latest "Youtube" video.) and these obsessions help contribute to the ostracism and rejection.

Here are a few more reasons why Aspies do not get the acceptance they deserve:

1. Most Aspergers children and teens are smart, they study hard (really, I tried), and they respect authority – but this isn’t cool. What’s cool is using school-time as an opportunity to socialize, disrespecting authority, and getting into trouble. (People also like to use Work time for this, and since I don't....it also gets me in trouble.  I go to work....to work.  Not to discuss the various aspects of "planking".)

2. Most Aspies are gentle and somewhat passive. NOT COOL! However, it is cool to be tough or "hard" and to fight.

3. Most Aspies are talented – but being a clarinet player in the school band is viewed as dorky. To be in sports is cool though.

4. Most Aspies have a child-like innocence (a bad trait to have if you don’t want to get your head knocked off). This is not cool. To be cool, you act older than your age and go around playing tricks on, and making jokes about, other people.

5. Most Aspies can make amazingly loyal friends – but how goofy is that?! The cool thing to do is to have a bunch of peers to hang-out with and to take advantage of as many of them as possible.

You want some more examples of ‘GEEK’ behavior? O.K. Here they are...

Most Aspies:

• adhere unvaryingly to routines (actually jobs in retail made me flexible but I hated it)
• are able forgive others
• are accepting of others (to a FAULT!)
• are honest (again....to a fault.  Most people hate honesty.  Sorry.  Wait, NO I'M NOT!!!)
• are not bullies, con artists, or social manipulators
• are not inclined to steal
• are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves (if nothing else, we can people watch the "muggles")
• don’t discriminate against anyone based on race, gender, age, etc. (I figure there is enough of a reason to hate you just by watching the things you say and do).
• don’t launch unprovoked attacks, verbal or otherwise
• don’t play head games
• don’t take advantage of other’s weaknesses
• enjoy their own company and can spend time alone
• have exceptional memories
• have no interest in harming others
• notice fine details that others miss
• prefer talking about significant things that will enhance their knowledge-base rather than “shooting the bullshit” (I HATE SMALL TALK!!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT  THE KARDASHIANS, JERSEYLICIOUS OR THE LATEST YOUTUBE VIDEO!!)
• will not go along with the crowd if they know that something is wrong (wrong of course, is very subjective here)