similiesslip

"Words connect or break the space between us. We co-create reality with each other."

Title: “Dictionary for Dancing?”

Unpredictable-
Not knowing how they will act
We shy away

Unexpected
Their rhythms are different,
Driving,
Beating up and down.
They confront us to redefine dancing
Or deny it all together.

Who authored the dictionary of your life?
When did you give them that power?
Will you live forever
In the shadow of their pen
Or step out
And try new words
Even if you dance alone?

I am not here to judge your choices
Only to say,
“Let me have mine.”

When you let go of forming me
Perhaps it will add freedom
To your dance.

Don’t look now
But there’s a smile’s shadow
In your eyes

Life is vivid
When
It’s undefined.

I’ve spent too much of my life wishing I could trade lives. I’ll admire someone and wish I could be them. I’ve often assumed that if I just lived in another neighborhood, or another house, or had had other parents, I would be closer to the woman I want to be.

For instance, I have an amazing coworker. No one motivates our students to work hard as well as Mrs. C. She reads our students well, knowing just when to push them and when to pull back. She makes them work, but they still love her. Her clothes are fashionable and look new. She always seems relaxed, though I know she must be even busier than I am, as she has a five year old son and a one year old son. Her long, dark hair falls in gentle waves. How I wish I could be more like Mrs. C.!

One day, J., a towering mountain of a boy was complaining that he couldn’t focus. At 6 foot 5, no one could call him weak, but he has as many excuses as there are days in the week of why he doesn’t want to work today. Usually, they are run of the mill: “I’m tired,” “I’m thirsty,” “I don’t feel like working,” but last Tuesday he had a new one. When Mrs. C. told him to get to work, he said, “I can’t work. I keep thinking about my cousin who was shot last year.”

Mrs. C. pulled a chair out and sat by his desk. “J., you must get to work now” she said calmly. Her tone wouldn’t allow any arguments, but there was no anger in her voice.

“But my cousin, I keep thinking of him …” J. began.

Mrs. C. broke in, “We all have our problems, J.,” she said softly, her voice still even and loving. “My first son was shot and killed. He was six. But you still see me working. You still see me here, every day, doing all I need to do.”

“You don’t need to speak of all that, Mrs. C.! “ T. broke in. “There’s no need,” T. said gently. T. admires Mrs. C. as much as I do.

“My nephew shot him by accident. They were playing with a gun. We all have our problems, J. But we can’t let the past hold us back. Now, I want you to get back to working, J.” Mrs. C. got up calmly and went back to her desk. I noticed J. stared at his computer for a couple minutes, but he did resume his work after that. A hushed silence reigned again in the High School 3 classroom, only broken by the occasional click of computer keys or the soft murmur of Mrs. C. answering a question.

I still admire Mrs. C. I still hope to emulate her way of working with our students. But more and more I see, I don’t want to switch lives with her or anyone else. She may be everything I want to be as a teacher, but she earned that success. I’m not sure I could ever be strong enough to walk her road.

Her lesson that day was for J., T., and the fourteen others studying biology that day. But I know I’ll never forget her words. A true teacher is a living lesson. Life isn’t something I should feel is on hold until my legal life is sorted, or I live in the place I want.

Life is happening now. What lessons am I teaching by how I live?

"Pow!"

I was asking one of the security guards if one of my students could have a bathroom escort when a piece of trash hit me in the face. Another of my students had thrown it at me.

This happened today and it was actually a great day at work. Today was much less violent that most days. Some days I have to pull apart two students who are fighting. Is it odd to say, I love my job even though it sometimes involves danger?

I'm SimiliesSlip. I would prefer no one use my legal name (especially last name) on my LJ. I love my job as a teacher at an alternative school though my students are all ones with rough backgrounds. Every single one of them were expelled from the city schools in my town. They are hard to reach, often offensive, and violent, but, the longer I work here, the more I love each one of them, in spite of what they do. I'm learning a great deal about how love involves limits and how, in a way, these teens long for me to be firm, even though they complain about it.

Not only am I a teacher, but I'm also the mother of three children of my own. They are the focus of my life. This past year is marked by great success (I graduated from college May of 2013!), but also includes many situations I have to work through (I quit my first teaching job in October and I'm currently in the process of a divorce.)

Is the end of a marriage a failure? My divorce isn't something I won't write about for Idol due to legal restrictions at this time. This divorce doesn't define me, but it is a major factor in my life right now. I've been married over 16 years, so this is a huge change for my children and me.

I'm almost 36 years old. I am a mom to 3 human children and two fur babies. My human children are a son and two daughters. They are the most amazing human beings, but very different from me. I hope to both help them grow and give them space to be themselves.

I have two dogs who both brighten and complicate my life. My dogs are always there to love on me when I'm tired and stressed. I'm proud of my dogs. They each have distinct personalities and bring laughter to our lives.

I've had some of my writing published, but never earned more than copies of it.

To me, an introduction is "Tell me who you are" and honestly, I'm not sure who I am these days, with all the changes in my life right now.

So, perhaps this introduction is more of an invitation: Come read what I write for Idol and maybe we can all discover more of who I am together, during Idol.

The thing I love most about Idol though, is learning about other contestants and reading their work. Can you join me on this journey? Let's discover more about ourselves, our beliefs, and our world these next few months together.

If interested, this is me:

I'm signing up for LJ Idol.

"The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself."
— C. JoyBell C.

My Poem:
"Music for Melvin"

(for my Grandpa)

No more daily maintence
For the body
You're refusing.
Now only music and prayers
To feed the soul.

Water drips
From the spoon
Of a faithful daughter.

You will not die
With your mouth dry.

Fly now
On the wings of music.
Find freedom
From your withered shell,
Salvation
From the weight of time.

(end)

He lingers.

I reflect for long periods on the comments left on my LJ by the rest of you.

One comment pointed out that these last 15 years of my life were not wasted.  I have learned a great deal.  That is a helpful realization for me.  The more I think about it, the more I think of different lessons.

So, this may be a series of posts, here and there, as I think of others.  It helps me to realize what I have learned.

"In 15 years, I Have Learned"

1) I have learned that, for every situation there are valid sounding excuses but I want to be and be around the kind of person who could probably have an excuse but just finds a way to get the task done anyways, even if it is difficult.

2) I have learned it is not a sin to change.

3) I have learned how to better identify when someone is trying to manipulate another.

4) I have learned there are many paths in the world.  Many ways to live that are very valid.  It would not even be healthy for us all to make similar choices.

5) I have learned to love myself for who I am but still expect change.  Every change is not, "Oh my, what happened to me!" but rather, "Wow, here's another way I am developing."  Stability matters but change can be a good thing.  (That sounds simple but it was hard earned.)

6) I have learned that being broken doesn't mean being worthless.

7) I have learned there is value in most situations, if you look for it.

8) I have learned that just because your dreams and goals have to change, that does not mean you are a failure.

As I said, I may continue these thoughts, here and there.

What have you, any readers to my LJ learned in time?  Or do you want to share any of your experiences with similiar lessons to the ones I posted above?

Michael Crichton - "No one escapes from life alive."

So live the heck out of the one you have.