as promised, I liveblogged my experience of watching the animated Hobbit.
:what the frig.
Eyal this movie is already terrible and we're 1'40'' in. GANDALF IS TERRIFYING AND UNETHICAL.
EYAL HELP THE DWARVES ARE SPEAKING IN CHORUS THIS IS TERRIBLE.
holy crap look at this animation when was this made
1977 ooookkk
now Bilbo's dreaming about being King Under the Mountain and having dwarves and Gandalf wait on him
I'm weirded out
I hate Gandalf in every incarnation, good to know
"BURGLAR DO YOUR BURGLING"
Also Bilbo is definitely Too Dumb to Live
"happy thoughts happy thoughts"
seriously Bilbo is a fucking moron
Trolls: maybe there are more where he came from
Bilbo (cupping his hands around his mouth and yelling in their direction): DWARVES! I'M DONE FOR! RUN FOR IT!
Trolls: (look around and see dwarves)
....
TrollsL *drop Bilbo to chase dwarves*
everyone is an idiot.
Bilbo just hides in the troll's cave he doesn't even help WTF
Gandalf just appears and makes the sun rise
what the hell this is so stupid
Bilbo doesn't know what runes are? excuse???? BILBO LOVES RUNES BILBO LOVES RUNES AND MAPS AND WRITING IT'S HIS THING
WHAT IS THIS WHY IS HE SO STUPID
Thorin thinks the swords were made by trolls, Gandalf is like "no there are runes," THorin asks Ganfalf if he can read the writing, Gandalf's not familiar with the alphabet, Thorin says WELL WHOEVER'S THEY WERE THEY'RE OURS NOW. THis is not.......... awesome, Eyal.
BIlbo finds Sting himself and starts waving it about yelling TAKE THAT SMAUG YOU FILTHY WYRM
EYAL
HE'S A MOROOOON
FIrst of all apparently "Lonely MOuntain" is the actualfax name of Erebor
secondly, they're packing up the stuff they find in the trollcave and then Gandalf is like HOOOLD
and Thorin's like
whatand Gandalf's like IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO HAVE...
THISand brings out the map
and says "this was given to me 100 yrs ago by your father"
THorin: What? Why did it not come to me, the rightful heir?
Gandalf: I've chosen my own time to hand it over
gandalf
gandalf that's not how property works
Bilbo: OH I DO LOVE MAPS. I have quite a collection.
Bilbo I have my doubts that you can even read.
uh
Bilbo
there is nothing there
what's wrong with you
there's supposed to be an X on the map
it's missing
Bilbo can see it anyway?????
Bilbo: How do we find the door? The map doesn't tell.
Gandalf: It does.... and it doesn't
Bilbo: Eh?
GandalfL You will understand.... in time.
wat
Rivendell is a log cabin
what
is
thios
whaaaaaat the hell;
OH MAN HE'S SO ENGLISH
Elrond is like the only one speaking in RP so far
aasjfjskjksfdkljsf the diogetic music and non-diogetic music are playing at the same time and it sounds awful stop stop stop
why the fuck is Bilbo entrusted with Thror's map?????
Bilbo stop asking "WHAT'S THIS WHAT'S THAT" like the Portal Curiosity Core
why is Bilbo alwya dreaming
it's just a flashvack to the party
were we just out of animation
Bilbo WHY ARE YOU SOOOO DUUUUMB
like he's leaning against he wall of the cave and then this door opens behind him in the rock and he just looks up and says conversationally "hello! what's this?"
really slowlylike an
idiotand then a rockfall happens and then he says "look out"
then the ponies get dragged down and Bilbo's yelling DWARVES WAKE UP YOU'RE BEING ROBBED
way to identify what is apparently the quickest way to get a dwarf's attention I guess?
wow so far the goblins are my favorite part of this, their songs are less dumb than all the other seventies songs
that
uh
that was a trap
you just walked into a trap
like the stupidest idiots i have ever encountered in fiction ever
I am so sad right now Eyal
I have no idea how any of these characters expected to survive a cross-country journey they are so stupid and helpless and mornoic
ahahahaha a.) Orcrist makes ZINGY noises
b,) goblins can read the runes that stumped Thorin, Bilbo, and Gandalf just fine
the goblins all look a lot like Maleficent's goons actually
also the Great Goblin was just about to eat Thorins head
like
HOM
what
I am so
help
Glamdring is EVEN WORSE AW NOOOOOO
omg what is happen am I
highthis
what
everyone just shrugs off their chains
what is this music
holy shit what the fuck
,,,coimmercial break?
is someone saying fart?
Gollum is awfully articulate
Bilbo is still chanting happy things
Sting just randomly glows
no explanation
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why is hte One Ring decorated>>>>>>>>
Bilbo: oh! Who are you?
you weird ass frog
Bilbo: I've lost my dwarves my wizard and my way
Bilbo: mind you, I'm armed with an elvish blade!
gollum: hisssss
Bilbo: that's better
Golum: it... likes.... RIGDFJKGFJSK?
Bilbo: Do I like riddles?
I have no idea how you got that from what he said but ok
Bilbo it just threatened to eat you why did you sheathe the sword
what kind of idiot are you
you eritf sdd gtoh drtioudlu ehjsy
Bilbo is such an offendd little englishman I can't evem
Gollum doesn't do the -es thing?
WHO IS SINGING
WHY ARE THE RIDDLES BEING SUNG BY ELVES OR SOME SHIT
IS GOLLUM HARMONISING WITH HIS OTHER PERSONALITY
I am so lost
this animation is terrible
like even just as... theatrical blocking
it's boring
oh ow
apparently gollums pupils are aleays weird indications of somethng
this is dumb
this is so weirdly amiable
Bilbo you're terrible this is terrible
Gollum you're the creepiest
like YEAH I LOST WAIT FIRST I HAVE TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING
LET ME SHOW YOU MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT
and Bilbo's like ok
and Gollum's just narrating his backstory out loud
what the eheeeellllll
Bilbo: Now what? HE'LL NEVER GUESS MY POCKET CONTAINED THIS *takes out ring, flips it around*
Gollum: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Bilbo
you're a moron
Gollum *starts yelling about a magic ring*
there's a really stupid "nyeeeooooop" sound effect whenever he puts the ring on or off
wow
this is umb
gollum is pretty logical actually "it says it doesn't know the way out but it knows the way IN!!!! it must know the way out"
nice
wrong
and kind of,,,, you know there's a giant cliff
but like
yuo tried
which is more than I can say for anyone else in this movie
il o gzkdx ovv hix rfin go xzy "HOW CONVENIENT! WELL, FOLLOW THE LEADER!"
this is soooo stuuuupidddddd
Bilbo yelling TA TAAAAA
PUPILLLLLLLS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Bilbo explains everytihing to dwarves
Thorin is like "wow dang we had to fight our way out,
sdfs>>>>>>>dfsjkfkjldjkdflkjlafsdkjlSDGK
LJNSFDKLJSDFKLGHKJLSFDKHL
Thorin: "how didn't they see you"
Bilbo: I'm an awesome burglar?
Gandalf: *winking* Your story has the ring of truth. it RINGS true. you need say no more.
????????????@?WD?GD?GS?SGDDGSSDGSFDadgkj
l
Eyal
Eual helppp
Danfalf" don't uoj see? the sun is setting in the west
thanks gandalf
thanks man
thanks
wolf howl
wargs
oh dear god
I take it back about the goblin songs being ok
this is so idiotic
wow ok Gandalf's pinecones are freaking grenades
the goblin songs are nondiogetic that's
an awful decision
serouslyo god the eagles are nightmaish
man if eagles wanted to dash yoyu against rocks they didn't need to carry you all night first
uhhhhhhb apparently gandfalf saved gwaihir from an arrow and this osi him reupaying the debt>
whoop no Beorn
straight into Mirkwood
WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT GANFALD
gandalf: I'm already late because of bothering with you people
wahkflsjdjsfld;jbdsflsgdlkjlsfdkljsdflkj
sdfjlksdfkjldsf
this is stupid
seriously stuoud
stop winking gandalf
I hate this
STOP SIGNING
STIP SINGINNNNG
uhhhhhh
Gandalf orders Bilbo to keep a strict log
"so I can study it when we meet again, and point out your missteps"
Gandalf you are not even pretending to be Not an Asshole
Bilno" I can only do my best
Gandalf: then tat will have to suffice
STOP
SINGING
now Bilbo's leading
don't let him lead he's an idiooooot
Bilbo's already titled his memoirs "there and back again: a hobbit's holiday"
I'm sad and despairing
wow uh
Bilbo seeing butterflies in Mirkwood makes him question if he even wants to see Bag End again
then they wake up in the morning wrapped in spider silk
awwww the spiders are adorable aw man
loook at their crau eyues and antenna and stupid fangs
waht was that
waht was that even
am I high again
Captains log etc ok enough already
fstih rbo; d[sofrt
commercial break
ceyoooop
,ptre d[ommy s[oder la;aodascp[e effect
the dwarves are such idiots in this
suuuuch idiots
I love the spiders
I love them best
go spiders
eat them allllll
tun yo yhr eoof rlbrd vlrstinh@ zni;sfkljsdfkjlsdfWHAT IS THIS
WHAT IS THSI
WHAT
OS
THIS
I'm so sad
so freaking sad
neyooooop
the wood elves gate is like.
wjat
whaaaat
THRANDUKL IS GERMAN
WHY IS HE GERMAN
is this the black forest????
sdfjkl
what the fuck
what the excuse me fuck
Bilbo's narration: the fortune we were after was big enough to share with the elves, and they could've been valuable allies against Smog. Instead they became enemies, and we were their prisoners.
uh
fuck off?????
oh bo more singing
stop singing stop iiiiiiitttt
G8OG9 TElling the dwarves in barrels "oph stop complaining: I never promised to burgle you first class accomodations"
the Men don't wear pants
a t all
no pants
no beards
and no pants
oh stop fucking singing
seriously stoip gugds
Bard is a guardsman now?
he still has a stupid mustache
why do they always have a stupid musiche
ok in this verision the Men get awfully short end of the stick
I am so annyoned by th
aw fuck you all
Thorin says "by thunder"
this is tupid
seriously stupid
oh look how braaaaaave he is
this is stupid and I'm saddd
STOP
SINGING
SERIOUSL;Y STOP IT'S SO STUPID THIS IS THE WORST DEVICE
why is the thrush following him
no seriously this is fumb
shut up
shut your stupid face
andf STOP
SINGIIIIIIIIIIING
wow you're the dumbest stupid to ever moron
bahahahahahahahhahahahah loook at smauuuuuug
uh
why are his eyes searchlights
tht's weifd
Smaug is extremely American
Smaug turns off his eys briefly
he looks like a fox kind of
and sounds like a deep boiced balooo
I like this Smaug
he;s cute
I like his voice
Smaug I like you
and your acidic drool
Bilbo swaring revenge?
No;bp O a, pmt sure tos is the tactic uou want to take
and the drums are accelerating
in a very
wait did he say that out loud
what
neyoooop
why did you just take oufff your rign and show yourself
and the cup you'd stolen
what's wrong with you
why are youi such a stupid idiot
like seriously why
Biulbo honey
stop dorp and roll
uh
Thorin
just
what
whaaaaat
commercial break
Blo: You! Ys, you, whoa re a mere thrush... and yet so much more!
>..>???????
Men please wear pants
there are no women in this village
just pants;less men
"stand your ground"
Bard honey they're on fire
away you fool bird away
you speak??? what' that????
ok I'm bored now
wow ok
Bard dressed like a roman soldier
thyis is stupid
seriously stupid
shit u[ Bilbo
German Thrandll
dressed lieka sSeudss charafter
Bilbo please stup declaring that there's enough for all
Balin: *kneels to Thorin and calls him king*
Bilbo: Balin, it's only Thorin.
Thorin (to Balin): Yes, General>
Bilbo: GENERAL?
like normally i'd be furious
but everyone's an idiot
so
whatever
fukk it
"now we are not outumblerd
now we have an army"
"a battle of three armies??"
this
is
so
stupid
I'm going to die
this is the stupidest of stupids ever
we're just skipping the Arkenstone
ok
no this is stupid
why are you German
this is so seriously stupid
SOOO FUCKING STUPID
oh god thanks bilbo we can fucking count
Bilbo's just sitting on a rock watchong and commentating
neuooooop
neippp?
wait now Bilbo's lying about bein g hit on the head?wait
why only seven
way only six
who else is dead?
so many people are dead?
this is weird
really wird
no this is stupiud
seriously
serioulsy
sierolulsy stupid
I'm sad
OH SHUT UP
DON'T SAY STUPID THINGS JUST DIE ALREADY
LOL THE RING
GALFAKD JUST LAUGHS ABOUT IT
what prophesies
what
what the ehlll
oh whatever
what
ever
yeah I'm with you Bilbo
prophesioes are dubm
and Ganfalf is an asshole
whatever Bulbo doesn't care
hahahahahah lol souvenir ring
fganGANDALF
STOP SAUONG THINGS
STOP
SIYNG STUPID AWFUL STUPID THINGS
THE END
Current Mood:
sore