I had a pretty nice day today.
It was sunny, which always helps. Fridays are nice at work.
In a lot of ways, I wish I could go back and do my career in the other order. For the uninitiated, I trained in science, failed at a PhD (mental health *shakes fist*), re-trained as a teacher, didn't like it, work as a TA. I think if I'd done my years as a TA before I'd trained as a teacher, I'd have stuck with the profession more. There are a lot of things I do and do well now that I couldn't do when I finished my PGCE. Maybe I just take longer to aquire skills. That's okay. We grow at our own paces.
Anyway, I now actually do more teaching work than TA work which, well, it is what it is. Technically I'm a higher level teaching assistant (most of the time) so I don't get a teacher salary but my pay is higher than a TA pay. And on Friday I get year 5 to myself all day.
So we do some RE, some PSHE, some ICT, and chill. It's pretty cool. My classroom control is so much better than it was when I graduated. I enjoy it.
So, it was a chill day. We've been doing this happiness challenge and this week it involved singing Yellow Submarine. So I learnt it last night on the Ukulele and took it in. I played it on my Uke and they sang and played some other instriuments. It was really nice. Then when they had golden time and I'd marked their books, I chilled out with my ukulele and practiced. The only thing is I need a really cheap low quality ukulele they can pass around now because they all want a go but I don't want them to trash mine.
Also, at dinner we had a discussion about diversity. It was a bit of a minefield because middle aged middle class while ladies. Who aren't all bad and sometimes surprise me but are generally pretty conservative as a bunch. I didn't managed to talk them around to 'we should adress homosexuality BEFORE they start calling each other gayboy and not after' but I did at least manage 'we should have some lgbt books in the school library'. So, yay! And I managed to sucessfully make the point that because we don't (that we know of) have any queer parents actually means we have more of an onus to provide queer role models through fiction because otherwise the only talk these kids might get about the queer community is negative.
So, if anyone has any books they can think of suitable for kids of 11 or lower dealing with LGBT issues, hit me up. I'm gonna see if I can get a cheap copy of 'and tango makes three' at least for them before I leave.
In less good news, my Grandma continues to be crazy. Long story short, she's controlling and emotionally manipulative. As long as I can remember she's faked emergencies to stop us having family holidays and make up visit her at times when we're busy with other things. Her relationship with my mum (this is my maternal grandma) is very disfunctional and after my Grandad died last year, my mum was literally on the edge of a nervous breakdown. My Grandma continues to be selfish and manipulative. She sends letters because we won't answer the phone because she's just abusive. My mum actually had a go at engaging with her through the letters and it took three of them to turn into 'you have to come down here two hours a night every night or I'll know you never even loved me' levels of emotional abuse so we stopped that.
Anyway, this week she'd taken up writing to work instead, which is new levels of not good. And has apparently involved social services as we got a letter asking if we'd like to entre recolciliation. Which, if she was a reasonable person, we might. But she's literally driven my Great Aunt to the point where she's had a stroke and had to cut off contact too and everyone we can think of has talked to her about her behaviour and she just carries on so I don't think there's anything to gain. If she hasn't changed already she won't now.
So that was less good.
But Ukulele and some good stuff on diversity. I'm going to feel more confident talking about diversity now anyway knowing the rest of the staff are behind me, at least on paper.
It was sunny, which always helps. Fridays are nice at work.
In a lot of ways, I wish I could go back and do my career in the other order. For the uninitiated, I trained in science, failed at a PhD (mental health *shakes fist*), re-trained as a teacher, didn't like it, work as a TA. I think if I'd done my years as a TA before I'd trained as a teacher, I'd have stuck with the profession more. There are a lot of things I do and do well now that I couldn't do when I finished my PGCE. Maybe I just take longer to aquire skills. That's okay. We grow at our own paces.
Anyway, I now actually do more teaching work than TA work which, well, it is what it is. Technically I'm a higher level teaching assistant (most of the time) so I don't get a teacher salary but my pay is higher than a TA pay. And on Friday I get year 5 to myself all day.
So we do some RE, some PSHE, some ICT, and chill. It's pretty cool. My classroom control is so much better than it was when I graduated. I enjoy it.
So, it was a chill day. We've been doing this happiness challenge and this week it involved singing Yellow Submarine. So I learnt it last night on the Ukulele and took it in. I played it on my Uke and they sang and played some other instriuments. It was really nice. Then when they had golden time and I'd marked their books, I chilled out with my ukulele and practiced. The only thing is I need a really cheap low quality ukulele they can pass around now because they all want a go but I don't want them to trash mine.
Also, at dinner we had a discussion about diversity. It was a bit of a minefield because middle aged middle class while ladies. Who aren't all bad and sometimes surprise me but are generally pretty conservative as a bunch. I didn't managed to talk them around to 'we should adress homosexuality BEFORE they start calling each other gayboy and not after' but I did at least manage 'we should have some lgbt books in the school library'. So, yay! And I managed to sucessfully make the point that because we don't (that we know of) have any queer parents actually means we have more of an onus to provide queer role models through fiction because otherwise the only talk these kids might get about the queer community is negative.
So, if anyone has any books they can think of suitable for kids of 11 or lower dealing with LGBT issues, hit me up. I'm gonna see if I can get a cheap copy of 'and tango makes three' at least for them before I leave.
In less good news, my Grandma continues to be crazy. Long story short, she's controlling and emotionally manipulative. As long as I can remember she's faked emergencies to stop us having family holidays and make up visit her at times when we're busy with other things. Her relationship with my mum (this is my maternal grandma) is very disfunctional and after my Grandad died last year, my mum was literally on the edge of a nervous breakdown. My Grandma continues to be selfish and manipulative. She sends letters because we won't answer the phone because she's just abusive. My mum actually had a go at engaging with her through the letters and it took three of them to turn into 'you have to come down here two hours a night every night or I'll know you never even loved me' levels of emotional abuse so we stopped that.
Anyway, this week she'd taken up writing to work instead, which is new levels of not good. And has apparently involved social services as we got a letter asking if we'd like to entre recolciliation. Which, if she was a reasonable person, we might. But she's literally driven my Great Aunt to the point where she's had a stroke and had to cut off contact too and everyone we can think of has talked to her about her behaviour and she just carries on so I don't think there's anything to gain. If she hasn't changed already she won't now.
So that was less good.
But Ukulele and some good stuff on diversity. I'm going to feel more confident talking about diversity now anyway knowing the rest of the staff are behind me, at least on paper.
Have a stats meme.
DW stats: (this includes the stuff from my old ljs)
Created on 2010-09-12 00:01:08 (#624058), last updated 2017-04-24 (6 days ago)
4,458 comments received, 14 comments posted
1,975 Journal Entries, 66 Tags, 0 Memories, 3 Icons
Ao3 Stats (For all of these, if they're in a series I'm only counting the first fic. Becuase reasons).
Joined: 2010-10-28
Works: 136
User Subscriptions: 177
Kudos: 22898
Comment Threads: 1049
Bookmarks: 3643
Subscriptions: 779
Word Count: 894057
Hits: 350340
Most recent work: I'm on my Way Check Please, Jack/Bitty
Top Five by Hits
The lost art of flying (The Avengers (2012)) (Hits: 19286)
Adolescence at an all-male boarding school (Supernatural) (Hits: 18079)
An unexpected courtship (The Hobbit - All Media Types) (Hits: 14200)
Even Superheroes Deserve Some Downtime (Marvel Cinematic Universe) (Hits: 13057)
Never really asked for anyting at all (Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)) (Hits: 10353)
Top Five by Kudos
Never really asked for anyting at all (Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)) (Kudos: 1044)
The lost art of flying (The Avengers (2012)) (Kudos: 902)
An unexpected courtship (The Hobbit - All Media Types) (Kudos: 830)
Why Tony Stark hates twitter (The Avengers (2012)) (Kudos: 564)
Even Superheroes Deserve Some Downtime (Marvel Cinematic Universe) (Kudos: 525)
Top Five by Bookmarks
The lost art of flying (The Avengers (2012)) (Bookmarks: 293)
An unexpected courtship (The Hobbit - All Media Types) (Bookmarks: 218)
Never really asked for anyting at all (Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)) (Bookmarks: 183)
Even Superheroes Deserve Some Downtime (Marvel Cinematic Universe) (Bookmarks: 171)
...and a funeral (The Avengers (Marvel Movies)) (Bookmarks: 146)
Top five by Comment Threads
I'm on my way (Check Please! (Webcomic)) (Comment Threads: 89)
An unexpected courtship (The Hobbit - All Media Types) (Comment Threads: 50)
Journey (Marvel Cinematic Universe, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)) (Comment Threads: 43)
The Status of our Future (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe) (Comment Threads: 39)
The lost art of flying (The Avengers (2012)) (Comment Threads: 36)
Top five by % of hits leaving kudos (only worked out for those of 200 kudos or more because I got bored)
Welcome Back (Les Miserables) 15.1%
With this cup (Check Plese) 13.6%
I'm on my way (Check Please) 13.4%
Impulse theft (Avengers) 12.5%
Three times is an enemy action (Avengers) 12.2%
I'm actually quite surprised to see I'm on my way on that last list as I'm posting as chapters so I'd expect that to cause a false low as each person following leaves one kudos but visits the fic every week for...5 weeks now? So *shrugs*.
I like that state though as, while I don't think it in any way accurately shows how many readers leave kudos, it normalises things for the fact that some fandoms are bigger than others. I mean, the Avengers and Supernatural stuff have much bigger fandoms then Les Mis had when I wrote in it. And that Hobbit fic and the Fantastic beasts fic somehow managed to crest the waves of those films being released. Though there is the problem of multiple views from the same reader which might be why all those high percentage fic (other than I'm on my way) are short fic. The kind you'd open, read in one sitting then leave.
Done now.
DW stats: (this includes the stuff from my old ljs)
Created on 2010-09-12 00:01:08 (#624058), last updated 2017-04-24 (6 days ago)
4,458 comments received, 14 comments posted
1,975 Journal Entries, 66 Tags, 0 Memories, 3 Icons
Ao3 Stats (For all of these, if they're in a series I'm only counting the first fic. Becuase reasons).
Joined: 2010-10-28
Works: 136
User Subscriptions: 177
Kudos: 22898
Comment Threads: 1049
Bookmarks: 3643
Subscriptions: 779
Word Count: 894057
Hits: 350340
Most recent work: I'm on my Way Check Please, Jack/Bitty
Top Five by Hits
The lost art of flying (The Avengers (2012)) (Hits: 19286)
Adolescence at an all-male boarding school (Supernatural) (Hits: 18079)
An unexpected courtship (The Hobbit - All Media Types) (Hits: 14200)
Even Superheroes Deserve Some Downtime (Marvel Cinematic Universe) (Hits: 13057)
Never really asked for anyting at all (Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)) (Hits: 10353)
Top Five by Kudos
Never really asked for anyting at all (Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)) (Kudos: 1044)
The lost art of flying (The Avengers (2012)) (Kudos: 902)
An unexpected courtship (The Hobbit - All Media Types) (Kudos: 830)
Why Tony Stark hates twitter (The Avengers (2012)) (Kudos: 564)
Even Superheroes Deserve Some Downtime (Marvel Cinematic Universe) (Kudos: 525)
Top Five by Bookmarks
The lost art of flying (The Avengers (2012)) (Bookmarks: 293)
An unexpected courtship (The Hobbit - All Media Types) (Bookmarks: 218)
Never really asked for anyting at all (Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)) (Bookmarks: 183)
Even Superheroes Deserve Some Downtime (Marvel Cinematic Universe) (Bookmarks: 171)
...and a funeral (The Avengers (Marvel Movies)) (Bookmarks: 146)
Top five by Comment Threads
I'm on my way (Check Please! (Webcomic)) (Comment Threads: 89)
An unexpected courtship (The Hobbit - All Media Types) (Comment Threads: 50)
Journey (Marvel Cinematic Universe, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)) (Comment Threads: 43)
The Status of our Future (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe) (Comment Threads: 39)
The lost art of flying (The Avengers (2012)) (Comment Threads: 36)
Top five by % of hits leaving kudos (only worked out for those of 200 kudos or more because I got bored)
Welcome Back (Les Miserables) 15.1%
With this cup (Check Plese) 13.6%
I'm on my way (Check Please) 13.4%
Impulse theft (Avengers) 12.5%
Three times is an enemy action (Avengers) 12.2%
I'm actually quite surprised to see I'm on my way on that last list as I'm posting as chapters so I'd expect that to cause a false low as each person following leaves one kudos but visits the fic every week for...5 weeks now? So *shrugs*.
I like that state though as, while I don't think it in any way accurately shows how many readers leave kudos, it normalises things for the fact that some fandoms are bigger than others. I mean, the Avengers and Supernatural stuff have much bigger fandoms then Les Mis had when I wrote in it. And that Hobbit fic and the Fantastic beasts fic somehow managed to crest the waves of those films being released. Though there is the problem of multiple views from the same reader which might be why all those high percentage fic (other than I'm on my way) are short fic. The kind you'd open, read in one sitting then leave.
Done now.
So, I have evacuated all my stuff from lj. This now contains everything from the lj of my university years through the present. Not my college lj, weirdly. It won't transfer. It's like it's trying to save me from myself...
So, an update on me. I'm still Emma. I still like in England with my parents. I still work in a school.
My current fandoms are Check Please and Hockey RPF. Fictional hockey players have taken over my life to the extent that I now pretend to understand the Stanley Cup and went to watch lots of IRL English ice hockey. The wrong team put the puck in the net and I was disapoint. Fuck the Steelers, basically. And not in the nice way. I also seem to have taken up skating. I am...okay. Like, I thought I was doing pretty well then I took my sister out ice skating and she's a natural and I'm there in a corner like "stupid sister, didn't even want to skate well anyway" but also proud because look how awesome my sister is XD But, anyway, the thing about hobbies is you're allowed to suck as them as long as you still enjoy them so there's that.
The other big news is that next year, things will actually change. Next accademic year, that is, becasue I'm going back to uni! Again! Since teaching fell through, I'm going to study for an MA in creative writing. At least 25% of the motivation of this is getting out of my parent's house permenantly. The other 75% is I want to write better. Even if all write better eventually translates to for me is writing better fanfiction and I never managed to make my living through writing, I'm at peace with that. Though, of course, if someone did want to pay me to sit around and write about the things I make up all day that would be beyond awesome. But the idea is to move out and stay moved out. Translate the MA into, at least, hopefully a better job than my current one. Like, a job where I support myself and don't live with my parents, not too much to ask.
Though, to bring it right up to date, I'm glad I was here this week. My mum, the patron saint of 'I'll be fine', I'll-be-fined herself into hospital. She decided her infection would wait until the doctors opened instead of going to A+E with it and she was wrong. Very wrong. Trip to the urgent care centre and hospital for 6 days wrong. Where she also got a good talking to about actually taking care of her diabetes (which she I'll-be-fine's). So she's home now but I spent the week rushing around keeping my dad running so he could be normal for her. And now it looks like I'll spend this week rushing around stopping my mum overdoing it since I came down this morning and ended up having to call in late to work and run around doing a lot of errands for her to stop her doing them herself. Calm yourself mother, you've just been in hospital!
That's me, anyway. I will now try and use this thing more often. Because a place to brain dump is a good thing.
If you would like to read something I'm writing - I just posted a chapter of this -
I'm on my way (21839 words) by Signe_chan
Chapters: 4/6
Fandom: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Eric Bittle/Jack Zimmermann
Characters: Eric Bittle, Jack Zimmermann, Shitty Knight, Original Male Character(s), Justin "Ransom" Oluransi, Adam "Holster" Birkholtz, John Johnson, William "Dex" Poindexter, Derek "Nursey" Nurse, Chris "Chowder" Chow, Caitlin Farmer
Additional Tags: Slow Burn, Road Trip, life doesn't end at graduation, reconnecting, mentions of divorce, other minor pairings - Freeform
Summary:
So, an update on me. I'm still Emma. I still like in England with my parents. I still work in a school.
My current fandoms are Check Please and Hockey RPF. Fictional hockey players have taken over my life to the extent that I now pretend to understand the Stanley Cup and went to watch lots of IRL English ice hockey. The wrong team put the puck in the net and I was disapoint. Fuck the Steelers, basically. And not in the nice way. I also seem to have taken up skating. I am...okay. Like, I thought I was doing pretty well then I took my sister out ice skating and she's a natural and I'm there in a corner like "stupid sister, didn't even want to skate well anyway" but also proud because look how awesome my sister is XD But, anyway, the thing about hobbies is you're allowed to suck as them as long as you still enjoy them so there's that.
The other big news is that next year, things will actually change. Next accademic year, that is, becasue I'm going back to uni! Again! Since teaching fell through, I'm going to study for an MA in creative writing. At least 25% of the motivation of this is getting out of my parent's house permenantly. The other 75% is I want to write better. Even if all write better eventually translates to for me is writing better fanfiction and I never managed to make my living through writing, I'm at peace with that. Though, of course, if someone did want to pay me to sit around and write about the things I make up all day that would be beyond awesome. But the idea is to move out and stay moved out. Translate the MA into, at least, hopefully a better job than my current one. Like, a job where I support myself and don't live with my parents, not too much to ask.
Though, to bring it right up to date, I'm glad I was here this week. My mum, the patron saint of 'I'll be fine', I'll-be-fined herself into hospital. She decided her infection would wait until the doctors opened instead of going to A+E with it and she was wrong. Very wrong. Trip to the urgent care centre and hospital for 6 days wrong. Where she also got a good talking to about actually taking care of her diabetes (which she I'll-be-fine's). So she's home now but I spent the week rushing around keeping my dad running so he could be normal for her. And now it looks like I'll spend this week rushing around stopping my mum overdoing it since I came down this morning and ended up having to call in late to work and run around doing a lot of errands for her to stop her doing them herself. Calm yourself mother, you've just been in hospital!
That's me, anyway. I will now try and use this thing more often. Because a place to brain dump is a good thing.
If you would like to read something I'm writing - I just posted a chapter of this -
I'm on my way (21839 words) by Signe_chan
Chapters: 4/6
Fandom: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Eric Bittle/Jack Zimmermann
Characters: Eric Bittle, Jack Zimmermann, Shitty Knight, Original Male Character(s), Justin "Ransom" Oluransi, Adam "Holster" Birkholtz, John Johnson, William "Dex" Poindexter, Derek "Nursey" Nurse, Chris "Chowder" Chow, Caitlin Farmer
Additional Tags: Slow Burn, Road Trip, life doesn't end at graduation, reconnecting, mentions of divorce, other minor pairings - Freeform
Summary:
In the ten years since graduation, things have changed for Eric. After Jack was traded away Eric married, adopted a son, divorced. Now he's barely scraping by and the last thing he expects is his ex, Jack, and his ex's best friend Shitty, showing up on his doorstep to sweep him away on a road trip.
After all, it's too late for second chances, isn't it?
GetYourWordsOut: Year Eight!
Pledges & Requirements | GYWO.net
So, back from London. I had a really good time there but immediately followed it up with a few bad brain days, which I think is as much to do with expecting the bad brain days and working myself up about it as anything else. Still don't regret going.
Brain news first, I've started keeping a journal at the end of the day, writing down the bad brain things but then making myself reflect on the things that made me happy and writing them down to. I got a few CBT books on London specifically for dealing with medical anxiety but it's weird becasue it's like my brain think they'll make me worse instead of better and I don't even. Don't worry, I'll bully myself into reading them.
And now, happy things! London!
I met up with a lot of awesome people. Monday night I met up with the 9worlds fanfiction people and we had a nice meal and talked some and it was great. I love spending time with fangirls. And then Tuesday night I went to visit a friend who's just bought a house (which is an awesome house) and I looked at her house in awe. It was good fun and great to just casually see friends. I also went to Expo on Sunday and it's always nice to be surrounded by geeks. I walked around London on Monday and went to Regents Park. Tuesday I did the tower of London. Saturday I went to Tatty Devine and bought this and this.
And also on Saturday night I went to see Les Mis.
Which might seem like an odd choice for someone with depression but I'd been wanting to see it. I saw the movie when it came out and it's kind of a staple of theater so I paid my money and went to see it and...
...and did I miss in the film that Grataire is really gay for Enjolras? I mean, so gay? I think they toned down his drunkeness in the movie, but that seems to cheapen him somehow. I mean, I haven't read the books but how I read the musical, Enjolras is the ideal. He is the dream of a better society but he doesn't understand the individual. The rises and falls of a small, ordinary life. Grantaire is the people. He knows from the first that they're doomed to fail but he stands with them becasue he wants them to win, he wants to believe. Graintaire is the one who encourages Marius to sing about his love. He's the one who goes to Marius after Eponine dies. He's the human heart of it and that's why he's constantly drunk, becasue he's the one who understands they're going to a tragedy, not a rebellion. That's why he doesn't work as well if he isn't drink, he isn't as tragic.
And the song Drink with Me, that was different in the movie, right? Because on the stage, Grantaire sang his verse to Enjolras and then broke down and Enjolras came to comfort him and it's the only time he comforts anyone and...
So gay. Such love. Wow.
And now it's Nano so I should be making words. I'm not sure how winning nano's going to go this time becasue...yeah...but we'll have a crack at it. I remember doing it lsat year and being so excited and now I'm really not but I'm going to try anyway because if I don't try then what's the point?
Brain news first, I've started keeping a journal at the end of the day, writing down the bad brain things but then making myself reflect on the things that made me happy and writing them down to. I got a few CBT books on London specifically for dealing with medical anxiety but it's weird becasue it's like my brain think they'll make me worse instead of better and I don't even. Don't worry, I'll bully myself into reading them.
And now, happy things! London!
I met up with a lot of awesome people. Monday night I met up with the 9worlds fanfiction people and we had a nice meal and talked some and it was great. I love spending time with fangirls. And then Tuesday night I went to visit a friend who's just bought a house (which is an awesome house) and I looked at her house in awe. It was good fun and great to just casually see friends. I also went to Expo on Sunday and it's always nice to be surrounded by geeks. I walked around London on Monday and went to Regents Park. Tuesday I did the tower of London. Saturday I went to Tatty Devine and bought this and this.
And also on Saturday night I went to see Les Mis.
Which might seem like an odd choice for someone with depression but I'd been wanting to see it. I saw the movie when it came out and it's kind of a staple of theater so I paid my money and went to see it and...
...and did I miss in the film that Grataire is really gay for Enjolras? I mean, so gay? I think they toned down his drunkeness in the movie, but that seems to cheapen him somehow. I mean, I haven't read the books but how I read the musical, Enjolras is the ideal. He is the dream of a better society but he doesn't understand the individual. The rises and falls of a small, ordinary life. Grantaire is the people. He knows from the first that they're doomed to fail but he stands with them becasue he wants them to win, he wants to believe. Graintaire is the one who encourages Marius to sing about his love. He's the one who goes to Marius after Eponine dies. He's the human heart of it and that's why he's constantly drunk, becasue he's the one who understands they're going to a tragedy, not a rebellion. That's why he doesn't work as well if he isn't drink, he isn't as tragic.
And the song Drink with Me, that was different in the movie, right? Because on the stage, Grantaire sang his verse to Enjolras and then broke down and Enjolras came to comfort him and it's the only time he comforts anyone and...
So gay. Such love. Wow.
And now it's Nano so I should be making words. I'm not sure how winning nano's going to go this time becasue...yeah...but we'll have a crack at it. I remember doing it lsat year and being so excited and now I'm really not but I'm going to try anyway because if I don't try then what's the point?
So, I pretty much like being up-front about my mental health. I believe it's something we should talk about so I'm going to talk about it.
Trigger Warnings for discussion of mental health, hypochondria etc.
I'm quite open about the fact that I had a bad time of life a few years ago. I had what I can only describe as a small mental breakdown in the middle of an episode of depression. Ended up dropping out of my job, moving back home, spent like two years on prozac. This was all, like, five years ago?
Lately I've been really anxious.
Just, all the time. I basically scare myself into thinking I'm going to die quite frequently. And when when I'm not convinced that perfectly normal mole is definitely going to kill me, I'm still just wound up. The last six weeks, I don't know why but it got really bad. Like, I stopped doing everything more or less than sitting in the living room under a blanket and doing the bare minimum required to function in my down time.
So I'm going to go back on the prozac for a while.
It's not actually been the easiest decision to make. My experience on it before was quite good but I'm still wary. I think it's with it being a mental thing, the nature of the beast is that I want to write it of as being something unimportant, a temporary quirk that'll go away if I leave it long enough.
The reality of it is, though, that it's starting to impact on how I live my life and I shouldn't have to live like this. Part of my is worried the prozac will stop me writing (I don't know why, it didn't last time. I was writing Hetalia and Glee fic most of the time I was on anti-depressants) but the truth is that the depression is stopping me writing. It's stopping me doing a whole host of normal things I used to enjoy, even spending time alone. And my independence and ability to enjoy my own company are important to me.
So I'm going on prozac again. Just a small dose and hopefully not for long. And I'm going to put myself on the waiting list for counseling.
It's not as bad as it was. I've had a crying jag at work which scared me but in general I'm not bad (I used, the first time, to lock myself in the toilets at work a couple of times a day just to cry) and I'm pretty good at bullying myself into some semblance of functioning. That almost makes it harder to make the decision to take the drugs. The first time, I was so low it almost wasn't a decision. The doctor could have handed me anything and I'd have taken it. I went to the doctor because my PhD supervisor took me aside and told me I needed to. So in a way this is empowering as at least I'm making the choice to head it off at the pass, but it also feel like maybe I'm jumping the gun.
The takeaway of this long ramble is that mental health is hard, that depression isn't black or white, always depressed or always fine. And that it's okay to be scared but I'm going to take the fucking drugs anyway and if they don't work I can try something else.
Trigger Warnings for discussion of mental health, hypochondria etc.
I'm quite open about the fact that I had a bad time of life a few years ago. I had what I can only describe as a small mental breakdown in the middle of an episode of depression. Ended up dropping out of my job, moving back home, spent like two years on prozac. This was all, like, five years ago?
Lately I've been really anxious.
Just, all the time. I basically scare myself into thinking I'm going to die quite frequently. And when when I'm not convinced that perfectly normal mole is definitely going to kill me, I'm still just wound up. The last six weeks, I don't know why but it got really bad. Like, I stopped doing everything more or less than sitting in the living room under a blanket and doing the bare minimum required to function in my down time.
So I'm going to go back on the prozac for a while.
It's not actually been the easiest decision to make. My experience on it before was quite good but I'm still wary. I think it's with it being a mental thing, the nature of the beast is that I want to write it of as being something unimportant, a temporary quirk that'll go away if I leave it long enough.
The reality of it is, though, that it's starting to impact on how I live my life and I shouldn't have to live like this. Part of my is worried the prozac will stop me writing (I don't know why, it didn't last time. I was writing Hetalia and Glee fic most of the time I was on anti-depressants) but the truth is that the depression is stopping me writing. It's stopping me doing a whole host of normal things I used to enjoy, even spending time alone. And my independence and ability to enjoy my own company are important to me.
So I'm going on prozac again. Just a small dose and hopefully not for long. And I'm going to put myself on the waiting list for counseling.
It's not as bad as it was. I've had a crying jag at work which scared me but in general I'm not bad (I used, the first time, to lock myself in the toilets at work a couple of times a day just to cry) and I'm pretty good at bullying myself into some semblance of functioning. That almost makes it harder to make the decision to take the drugs. The first time, I was so low it almost wasn't a decision. The doctor could have handed me anything and I'd have taken it. I went to the doctor because my PhD supervisor took me aside and told me I needed to. So in a way this is empowering as at least I'm making the choice to head it off at the pass, but it also feel like maybe I'm jumping the gun.
The takeaway of this long ramble is that mental health is hard, that depression isn't black or white, always depressed or always fine. And that it's okay to be scared but I'm going to take the fucking drugs anyway and if they don't work I can try something else.
Ok, first, I'm going to try to sell you Carry On.
Carry On is the latest book my Rainbow Rowell. Who is a beautiful individual. She wrote Fangirl which you might have come across about a year ago which was a great portrayal of fandom and how fandom isn't a force for bad in the world. Carry On is the most meta of all meta, it's basically the fic the fictional character in the book wrote, which was based on Harry/Draco fic. So in a lot of ways Carry On is a love song to Harry/Draco but if you don't ship that, it's still good. It's a love song to Harry Potter in general and it's a love song to all of Fandom.
I don't want to spoil it too much but Rowell writes romance so I don't think it's a spoiler to tell you there's a romance element. And it's executed beautifully. You won't know if you're reading original work or the best kind of fanfiction and you won't care. The romance is adorable, the characters are great. The sidekick character is a south-Asian girl who's a bit pudgy but kicks all of the ass in the world. This book basically addresses more or less every criticism that fandom has collectively leveled at Harry Potter over the years.
And the writing is Rowell so it's beautiful. She has real emotional punch and lush descriptions that somehow feel true and sometimes it's more like poetry than prose and basically I want to marry her. Her writing is so good.
So, go read it. Then come fangirl with me becasue I have a need.
Now meme.
5 –If you have ever had a character try to push their way into a fic, whether your "muse" or not, what did you do about it?
I'm half-assing this one as the short answer is no.
6 – When you write, do you prefer writing male or female characters?
...In my original writing I tend to write female, in my fanfiction I tend to write male. Though it's debatable how true to the way masculinity is performed in society my men come. It's my personal belief that when a lot of us write men in slash pairings what we're really doing is exploring what it's like to live in an equal world as it's almost impossible to write male/female romance without politics coming into it somewhere. And we know that because we live it. But when we write slash, we don't have to worry about that. We can conveniently forget that bit for a while and forget that sometimes being a woman in society sucks and, yeah, this is hugely problematic because among other things it accepts (normally) white man as some kind of default the rest of us can explore humanity through but it's also freeing in that we can tell the kind of romance and erotic stories we want and also in that we can redefine masculinity in our own way.
( Rest of the questions under the cutCollapse )
Carry On is the latest book my Rainbow Rowell. Who is a beautiful individual. She wrote Fangirl which you might have come across about a year ago which was a great portrayal of fandom and how fandom isn't a force for bad in the world. Carry On is the most meta of all meta, it's basically the fic the fictional character in the book wrote, which was based on Harry/Draco fic. So in a lot of ways Carry On is a love song to Harry/Draco but if you don't ship that, it's still good. It's a love song to Harry Potter in general and it's a love song to all of Fandom.
I don't want to spoil it too much but Rowell writes romance so I don't think it's a spoiler to tell you there's a romance element. And it's executed beautifully. You won't know if you're reading original work or the best kind of fanfiction and you won't care. The romance is adorable, the characters are great. The sidekick character is a south-Asian girl who's a bit pudgy but kicks all of the ass in the world. This book basically addresses more or less every criticism that fandom has collectively leveled at Harry Potter over the years.
And the writing is Rowell so it's beautiful. She has real emotional punch and lush descriptions that somehow feel true and sometimes it's more like poetry than prose and basically I want to marry her. Her writing is so good.
So, go read it. Then come fangirl with me becasue I have a need.
Now meme.
5 –If you have ever had a character try to push their way into a fic, whether your "muse" or not, what did you do about it?
I'm half-assing this one as the short answer is no.
6 – When you write, do you prefer writing male or female characters?
...In my original writing I tend to write female, in my fanfiction I tend to write male. Though it's debatable how true to the way masculinity is performed in society my men come. It's my personal belief that when a lot of us write men in slash pairings what we're really doing is exploring what it's like to live in an equal world as it's almost impossible to write male/female romance without politics coming into it somewhere. And we know that because we live it. But when we write slash, we don't have to worry about that. We can conveniently forget that bit for a while and forget that sometimes being a woman in society sucks and, yeah, this is hugely problematic because among other things it accepts (normally) white man as some kind of default the rest of us can explore humanity through but it's also freeing in that we can tell the kind of romance and erotic stories we want and also in that we can redefine masculinity in our own way.
( Rest of the questions under the cutCollapse )
4 – Do you have a "muse" character, that speaks to you more than others, or that tries to push their way in, even when the fic isn't about them? Who are they, and why did that character became your muse?
No. Really kind of don't and never really got the entire muse character thing. But, then, I'm depressingly skeptical about this entire 'the story has it's own life and flows' thing. I'm a planner right down to the ground. I'm okay with a bit of flowing but also like to know where we're going and what stops we're going to make along the way.
Anyone remember back in the 'good old days' when people used to have long conversations with their muse characters in the header of their fic for ages before they actually told you the story? Those were the days...
( All the questions are under hereCollapse )
No. Really kind of don't and never really got the entire muse character thing. But, then, I'm depressingly skeptical about this entire 'the story has it's own life and flows' thing. I'm a planner right down to the ground. I'm okay with a bit of flowing but also like to know where we're going and what stops we're going to make along the way.
Anyone remember back in the 'good old days' when people used to have long conversations with their muse characters in the header of their fic for ages before they actually told you the story? Those were the days...
( All the questions are under hereCollapse )
3 – For each of the fandoms from day two, what were your favorite characters to write?
I'm not doing ALL those fandoms. I'll pick a few I want to witter about.
Avengers
The obvious answer is Clint Barton since I have written a million fic from his POV. I actually prefer Phil to Clint in my pairing but since I prefer Phil, I like to write from Clint's POV and be in love with Phil. Also, Clint is a complete human disaster which I can relate to. Love me some Clint.
Supernatural
Cas was always my favourite character but he was never my favourite to write. I loved writing Kevin which is why that show lost me the minute it killed him. I noped right the fuck out of there.
Glee
Kurt Hummel. I would NEVER have watched this show for so long if it wasn't for Kurt. I mean, there were some secondary characters I loved but it was Kurt's voyage from that one queer kid in the back of the room struggling to mean someone to someone to this wonderful, confident, mature young man that I really loved. I wrote several Kurt pairings becasue I'd ship him with just about anyone who'd be good to him because I loved him. That's, again, why I bailed from the fandom when I did (when he left for college) becasue the writers only knew three types of story - will they/won't they, she's having a baby, they're breaking up (again) and since Kurt and Blaine were together and neither of them could get pregnant it was clear where that was going and it wasn't Kurt/Happiness and though the show had hurt him before, it felt like an earned hurt, like growing pains, not something there for the dramaz!
Harry Potter
Neville Longbottom. God I love Neville. Neville/Draco. He's a down-to-Earth boy from my neck of the woods, what's not to like. One of my secret desires is to record a podfic of Lust over Pendle.
Enterprise
Getting into old fandoms now but I thought I'd leave this one in as it was a formative one for me. I shipped Reed/Mayweather, so stuffy British guy with hot young man XD Loved it. I liked writing them becasue they were such a contrast but they had this odd affection in the show and this history in the extra-canon material and I enjoyed playing with that.
Bleach
Another of what I'd define as one of my big fandoms. I wrote reams of Ichigo/Renji/Rukia. It's notable as one of the first time that I shipped a multiple pairing seriously. I just didn't enjoy any of the various pairings alone as much as I enjoyed them together. And the text set it up greatly, though probably unintentionally. I just wanted them running around together kicking ass and Ichigo being like, how the fuck did I end up with these two idiots?
Hellsing
The only fandom I've written a lot of femslash in. Also one of my early long-fic. I used to ship Seras Victoria with Integra Hellsing. Because Integra was awesome. Who doesn't like ladies kicking ass and making powerful vampires do their bidding and I kind of wanted Seras to lick her shoes.
Pacific Rim
NEWTON! Seriously, Newt is my baby. I love him. He's such a little shit and he's so inappropriate and I love him for all that. I love writing his voice and how everything can be that big quicker like things are going through his mind so fast there's no time to filter them before they get out and...yeah, just love him.
Soul Eater
Chrona! Canon person of indeterminate gender who's gender was (at my time in the fandom) never CLEARLY revealed. There were strong hints but nothing 100% conclusive and I loved that. Most of the fandom fixed their gender but I wrote them as genderqueer and shipped with Maka who had 0 fucks to give about Chrona's gender.
( All the questions under the cutCollapse )
I'm not doing ALL those fandoms. I'll pick a few I want to witter about.
Avengers
The obvious answer is Clint Barton since I have written a million fic from his POV. I actually prefer Phil to Clint in my pairing but since I prefer Phil, I like to write from Clint's POV and be in love with Phil. Also, Clint is a complete human disaster which I can relate to. Love me some Clint.
Supernatural
Cas was always my favourite character but he was never my favourite to write. I loved writing Kevin which is why that show lost me the minute it killed him. I noped right the fuck out of there.
Glee
Kurt Hummel. I would NEVER have watched this show for so long if it wasn't for Kurt. I mean, there were some secondary characters I loved but it was Kurt's voyage from that one queer kid in the back of the room struggling to mean someone to someone to this wonderful, confident, mature young man that I really loved. I wrote several Kurt pairings becasue I'd ship him with just about anyone who'd be good to him because I loved him. That's, again, why I bailed from the fandom when I did (when he left for college) becasue the writers only knew three types of story - will they/won't they, she's having a baby, they're breaking up (again) and since Kurt and Blaine were together and neither of them could get pregnant it was clear where that was going and it wasn't Kurt/Happiness and though the show had hurt him before, it felt like an earned hurt, like growing pains, not something there for the dramaz!
Harry Potter
Neville Longbottom. God I love Neville. Neville/Draco. He's a down-to-Earth boy from my neck of the woods, what's not to like. One of my secret desires is to record a podfic of Lust over Pendle.
Enterprise
Getting into old fandoms now but I thought I'd leave this one in as it was a formative one for me. I shipped Reed/Mayweather, so stuffy British guy with hot young man XD Loved it. I liked writing them becasue they were such a contrast but they had this odd affection in the show and this history in the extra-canon material and I enjoyed playing with that.
Bleach
Another of what I'd define as one of my big fandoms. I wrote reams of Ichigo/Renji/Rukia. It's notable as one of the first time that I shipped a multiple pairing seriously. I just didn't enjoy any of the various pairings alone as much as I enjoyed them together. And the text set it up greatly, though probably unintentionally. I just wanted them running around together kicking ass and Ichigo being like, how the fuck did I end up with these two idiots?
Hellsing
The only fandom I've written a lot of femslash in. Also one of my early long-fic. I used to ship Seras Victoria with Integra Hellsing. Because Integra was awesome. Who doesn't like ladies kicking ass and making powerful vampires do their bidding and I kind of wanted Seras to lick her shoes.
Pacific Rim
NEWTON! Seriously, Newt is my baby. I love him. He's such a little shit and he's so inappropriate and I love him for all that. I love writing his voice and how everything can be that big quicker like things are going through his mind so fast there's no time to filter them before they get out and...yeah, just love him.
Soul Eater
Chrona! Canon person of indeterminate gender who's gender was (at my time in the fandom) never CLEARLY revealed. There were strong hints but nothing 100% conclusive and I loved that. Most of the fandom fixed their gender but I wrote them as genderqueer and shipped with Maka who had 0 fucks to give about Chrona's gender.
( All the questions under the cutCollapse )
2 – Name the fandoms you've written in, and how much you've written in that fandom, and if you still write in it.
So, being the person I am, I have a database with every piece of fanfiction I've EVER written so I can tell you that I've written, in my lifetime, 330 pieces of fanfiction. These are the fandoms I'm willing to admit, in polite company, that I wrote for. Along with how many fic I wrote for that fandom. It should be noted that while Bleach is clearly in the lead, I wrote a shitfuckton (which is a legitimate measurement) of drabbles in that fandom and was probably more prolific in terms of words produced in other fandoms.
Bleach 65
Avengers 45
Glee 41
Supernatural 34
Harry Potter 32
Hetalia 19
Escaflowne 14
Enterprise 13
Soul Eater 11
Buffy The Vampire Slater 7
Hellsing 5
Pacific Rim 4
Sherlock 4
X-files 4
Azumanga Daioh 3
Hobbit 3
Star Trek:Voyager 3
Gravitation 2
Phoenix Wright 2
Sailor Moon 2
Smallville 2
Fullmetal Alchemist 1
Fullmetal panic 1
Futurama 1
Karin 1
Lord of the Rings 1
Pani Poni Dash! 1
Rocky Horror Picture Show 1
Roswell High 1
Star Trek:The Next Generation 1
Strawberry Panic 1
Tenchi Muyo 1
The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya 1
As for what I'm still active in, the fandoms represented in the fic on my e-reader are the MCU, Pacific Rim and Hannibal (which I haven't written for yet but I'm on with it). And I'm active in Harry Potter in that every so often I'm like, yay, Harry and come back and read some fic and cry about Neville and Draco's obvious canonical love then forget about it again for a while.
Actually. Since, you know, accurate statistics - here's the entire list by word count per fandom. Though this may give a false sense of how prolific I was in Supernatural as a chunk of my longer fic in there I wrote with Trojie so half of the words are hers.
Avengers 352986
Supernatural 297236
Glee 105269
Harry Potter 95314
Hetalia 75222
Enterprise 50082
Bleach 35223
Buffy The Vampire Slater 31619
Hobbit 31325
Hellsing 31264
Rocky Horror Picture Show 21900
Smallville 20430
Pacific Rim 16044
Soul Eater 15366
Tenchi Muyo 10214
X-files 9307
Azumanga Daioh 7478
Sherlock 7203
Sailor Moon 6114
Phoenix Wright 4990
Star Trek:Voyager 4408
Futurama 3812
Star Trek:The Next Generation 3252
Lord of the Rings 2932
Pani Poni Dash! 2739
Escaflowne 2217
Roswell High 1128
Gravitation 624
Fullmetal Alchemist 622
The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya 457
Strawberry Panic 285
Fullmetal panic 100
Karin 100
( All questions under the cutCollapse )
So, being the person I am, I have a database with every piece of fanfiction I've EVER written so I can tell you that I've written, in my lifetime, 330 pieces of fanfiction. These are the fandoms I'm willing to admit, in polite company, that I wrote for. Along with how many fic I wrote for that fandom. It should be noted that while Bleach is clearly in the lead, I wrote a shitfuckton (which is a legitimate measurement) of drabbles in that fandom and was probably more prolific in terms of words produced in other fandoms.
Bleach 65
Avengers 45
Glee 41
Supernatural 34
Harry Potter 32
Hetalia 19
Escaflowne 14
Enterprise 13
Soul Eater 11
Buffy The Vampire Slater 7
Hellsing 5
Pacific Rim 4
Sherlock 4
X-files 4
Azumanga Daioh 3
Hobbit 3
Star Trek:Voyager 3
Gravitation 2
Phoenix Wright 2
Sailor Moon 2
Smallville 2
Fullmetal Alchemist 1
Fullmetal panic 1
Futurama 1
Karin 1
Lord of the Rings 1
Pani Poni Dash! 1
Rocky Horror Picture Show 1
Roswell High 1
Star Trek:The Next Generation 1
Strawberry Panic 1
Tenchi Muyo 1
The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya 1
As for what I'm still active in, the fandoms represented in the fic on my e-reader are the MCU, Pacific Rim and Hannibal (which I haven't written for yet but I'm on with it). And I'm active in Harry Potter in that every so often I'm like, yay, Harry and come back and read some fic and cry about Neville and Draco's obvious canonical love then forget about it again for a while.
Actually. Since, you know, accurate statistics - here's the entire list by word count per fandom. Though this may give a false sense of how prolific I was in Supernatural as a chunk of my longer fic in there I wrote with Trojie so half of the words are hers.
Avengers 352986
Supernatural 297236
Glee 105269
Harry Potter 95314
Hetalia 75222
Enterprise 50082
Bleach 35223
Buffy The Vampire Slater 31619
Hobbit 31325
Hellsing 31264
Rocky Horror Picture Show 21900
Smallville 20430
Pacific Rim 16044
Soul Eater 15366
Tenchi Muyo 10214
X-files 9307
Azumanga Daioh 7478
Sherlock 7203
Sailor Moon 6114
Phoenix Wright 4990
Star Trek:Voyager 4408
Futurama 3812
Star Trek:The Next Generation 3252
Lord of the Rings 2932
Pani Poni Dash! 2739
Escaflowne 2217
Roswell High 1128
Gravitation 624
Fullmetal Alchemist 622
The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya 457
Strawberry Panic 285
Fullmetal panic 100
Karin 100
( All questions under the cutCollapse )
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