We moved. It was fucking awful. Holy FUCK was it awful. But it's settling down now and apart from the fact that I have just over a week to do a dissertation that I have barely started, I'm pretty OK. (I mean, I have my papers and I have my proposal outline and I have my research for the most part but I have not started to SYNTHESISE) I just need some big push to get me through this next week. I'll get done, it might be rubbish. Just need to pass.

Dissertation, patchwork essay, and placement #4 left between me and Real Life. I went to look at a job in Ipswich last week and I might apply for it; there's a job fair in June which I'll attend first before I make my decision. There are a million jobs with the council- that's my fallback if I fail, honestly. But first! Driving lessons! I need to sort those out so that I will have my license in September when I am due to qualify, because it's a bonus for every single OT position out there. Plus, I think that after moving drama, my in-laws are sick of us!

Comic-con on Saturday. My first nerd con ever!! Pretty stoked but I don't know what to wear or what to prioritise, and I'm not sure what to expect. C has SO MUCH spending money from her birthday so I'll be vicarious with the spending.

After the diss I'll start on the garden. When I get my placement rebate (yeah i'm so behind) I'll buy some lawn furniture. Come July, once I start placement, I'll pretty much be working full time again unless I decide to take a week between finishing and starting work, which sounds like a bad idea because FINANCES, etc. Having that placement at the end will be a nice adjustment period to Real Life, though- and summer will be a good time to do it. I'll still be able to come home and enjoy my new garden, chill with my kids, and start the D&D campaign they're all impatiently waiting on. Soon, things will be New Normal. As terrifying as it is to face it, I'm excited.

Back to school for the kids this week- Thank Goodness! I really wish that their break had coincided with mine, as the combination of uni and essay submission made the first 4+ weeks of their holidays pretty miserable. We got out and did some things but not as much as we'd hoped to have done. Either way, I got L to the museums in London (man that kid loves rocks and taxidermied lizards something fierce) and C to Wicked, so we did *something*, even if it wasn't all seasides and holidays. Soon, kids, soon. I promise.

L is back tomorrow, and he has pretty much nothing to get ready. While I'm always a little sad that kids in the UK don't have a school supply list, I'm also grateful for the money I don't have to spend on things my kids on a whole do not need. C is back on Tuesday and she has a very large list! We went to get the last few things she needed today- a compass (pair of compasses, whatever) and some more highlighters as her list implies she needs multiple. She got me to spend a bit more on highlighters than I wanted to and we had to get a whole maths set to get the compass even though she already had the rulers and set squares which was annoying. Then, she got a watch out of me as well. I'm soft. She's got quite a list to go through tomorrow before she starts, but that's kinda a fun job anyway. Her pencil case (one of two) is hilariously over-packed and huge though she insists she will carry it class to class. Tomorrow's project for me will be to make sure the smaller one has the essentials for the inevitable moment where she gives up on the huge one.

Possibly might be doing something for my birthday. I really hate thinking about it and planning it- or really getting hopes up for it in any way shape or form. But my friend has suggested low key hanging out and that's easy enough for me to not feel too anxious about. I think I've had approximately one actual birthday evening in my adult life and I had a bit of a breakdown planning that, so never again. Heck, last year I kinda had one for my leaving drinks and no one really even turned up! Stupid birthdays.

I need to keep singing. I feel better when I'm singing. I'm the only one who knows I'm singing and that's ok.

I should be writing a reflective essay right now. I'm not. Obvs. But I'm going to be reflective, because that's what LJ is all about, right?

The word of the month is PANIC. Olly has his PhD draft due for revisions pretty much tomorrow, except that they were vague on the date and said 'middle of May should be good' so he will probably eke it out another week or so. Lewis has a rough time with understanding that Olly is working, and not just browsing the internets, until today when I said that if he gets it done he might have a book and be famous, and suddenly Lewis wants to help. I'm so glad I got that laptop though, even though it was totally not in our budget. Otherwise Olly and I would totally be killing each other right now.

I have my Inter-professional Collaboration essay due Thursday (yes that class is as exciting as it sounds) and then an Occupational Therapy Performance and Process essay due on the following Monday, which has way too much hand anatomy to be acceptable. About 6000 words all in, plus appendices on the second one. Really not too bad, but masters-level writing is i.n.t.e.r.e.s.t.i.n.g. I start my next placement on that same Monday and it's way too far again, but I visited this past week to meet my educator and it just feels so comfortable and familiar. It's in a similar setting to my old work, minus LD. I'm looking forward to it, even if the commute is going to be mega-expensive. I've booked tickets and hotel for COT national conference, which is 80% cheaper if you're a student so I figured I might as well go now while I can and don't have an employer saying 'no'. I just need to figure out transport to Birmingham.

Claire had KS2 SATs last week; she was so nervous about it all. It doesn't matter as much for her as she isn't going to the comprehensive so her scores won't rank her within her year as much, they'll go off the 11+ scores from the test last autumn, but they work the kids up to a panic frenzy about it all. We bought special breakfast stuff because she was worried about that, even. Now she's finished, it was fine, and pretty much is just writing for the rest of the year and doing their end-of-year production, which this year is gonna be great- Seussical Jr! I'm glad they have a 'real' production instead of a never-heard-of-it manufactured thing because I am a snob. We went to the zoo for her birthday 'party' and she got to pet skunks, feed parrots, walk a coati, weigh a barn owl, and train sting rays. It was pretty cool.

Lewis has KS1 SATs this week. He doesn't care. I have not really heard anything about them from his teacher aside from the parent's night conversation because KS1 tests don't matter as much to the school. If anything, they work less hard because then it shows more improvement on the KS2 tests. He's been wiped lately and he is as skinny as anything. Hopefully it's a growth spurt, because he eats! He continues to baffle and confuse me and he's growing up way too fast. He did a zoo thing for his birthday too (so much cheaper than a bring-friends party) and he trained goats, tickled giant tortoises, made enrichment for kune kune pigs, held a snake, brushed the horse, and picked up wallaby poo. He's looking forward to doing the one Claire did in a few years when he's old enough.

I'm glad the birthday gauntlet is over. I don't need to worry about gifts or fancy party food or anything like that until Christmas creeps up, and even then I may be able to convince the kids to do a trip or something instead. We may be doing US, we may not; I don't get much time off due to placement and the way the school year falls. We'll survive if we don't get there. Survival is the name of the game these days- get what needs to get done, done, and forget about the rest. I am not entirely sure that I won't have to resubmit some of these essays, but it'll be fine. I'll be fine. Right?

Haven't posted in a while- strangely I've had more time but it's been a different sort of time... Anyway hopefully this year in review will catch up everything I've missed.

( YIR 2016Collapse )

Leaving work sucked and was amazing all in one. It sucked because no one gave a shit for the most part and I can't help but feel a little bit hurt by that. Otherwise, it's been so so nice to not be working. I need to go back and do some shifts to make up the difference in money but right now it's so good and freeing without it.

My degree is a LOT of group work. Pros and cons again- I work harder in group work. When I am held accountable by an outside force (rather than just myself) I work SO much harder. I still could be working harder, but nothing is graded yet, so I'm trying to just learn and grow. Create new habits and get things done early. Cons- at least one of my groups is really awkward. It also has the person who is most vocal about how much the group work sucks. There are lots of fresh postgrads who are young and don't like how we're basically researching and teaching each other the course, and not having lectures. They are full of panic. I want to tell them to get some perspective. I won't though- not yet.

Other than the panic, everyone on my course is pretty nice- there's 32 of us and 10 are Irish. 3 are male students. I suppose for therapeutic jobs that's about right. It's intimidating being the oldest and the biggest though. I am pretty accepting of who I am these days but I am very very aware of it around these girls. Hopefully I can use it as a feeling for progress and power rather than anxiety and fear. Luckily I will have a lot of CBT training to help me there ;)

Money is tight and it scares me but it's two years, and we've done it before. NHS pay banding for OTs is not as bright as US prospects, but I don't know if I would want to move back to the US. The election cycles would probably kill me. But double pay would be amazing.

RELIEF. I have been asked to train a group of new starters in my last week at work. I don't really want to deal with any administrative bullshit, but I will sooooo take those 6-7hr days over three 12.5 shifts on my last week when I am ready to be done. This brings my total shifts left down to 4. I can do that. I can do four shifts. I've now planned a fun thing for my last day on the unit (Sunday in a week's time) which I would not have been able to do were my last day a Friday. Fun thing: movie night which we used to do every weekend I worked, which we no longer can do because we don't get money to do it anymore. We used to get £20 fortnightly for snacks and dvds, we stretched that money like bosses. We'd buy £1 DVDs and get store-brand crisps and popcorn and soda and donuts and have a huge snack feast.... it was great. I'm not going to be able to bring in pop, but I've got a big bag of popping corn which I'm going to cook on the stove in the OT kitchen like a ninja (I got in trouble last time I used it, but it's a Sunday so they won't be there to know!) and I'll find an appropriate DVD at home to take (we lost our unit DVDs when they took the movie money away and locked the DVDs in an off-unit therapy cupboard for 'rental'). I don't want to make a big deal about me leaving; I don't care if they don't really know. I just want to have a fun last day.

The place has gone to hell. So many people are leaving, people who have been there for a long time and not just the students and young kids who have a high turnover. Qualifieds are leaving in droves from all sorts of positions. It's scary, and I'm glad I'm getting out. We had a massive exodus two years ago and it was bad news. The only reason I stayed through it was the offer of doing training. Even my Timehop told me this morning that I was counting down the months until I had my minimum experience needed for an NHS job. I got the training offer pretty much on the DAY that I hit that minimum experience deadline.

Anyway enough nostalgia. It's been a crazy 2.5 years. I can't believe it's been 2.5 years. Maybe my five-year plan (from 2014) will actually work.

The past month has been a whirlwind of work and family events squeezed into every available minute. I started my Senior job on the 10th, which also meant swapping shifts- and messing up carefully laid plans for the next few weeks. It really just meant I worked about 225 hours this month, which will be nice on the paycheck next month.

On the 9th, the only day off I had between the shift swap, I got an email from the admissions advisor at UoE saying that they couldn't accept my application because one of the requirements was not fulfilled: evidence of recent formal study. Except, on the application, it said something like "evidence of recent education or training with an assessable [sic] module" or something. Certainly not 'formal study'. I spent the last 3 weeks having a very civil argument with him, getting quotes from CPI (the company my instructor's certification is through) and scanning everything I could find regarding my certification. Today I got an email from him with the invitation to the interview day. Should I email him back saying thank you? Maybe.

I don't want to turn Jacqui down for the training officer job if it's offered to me (I did send her my CV) but similarily, it's not a job I want to take for 6 months. It'd be better to stay in my current job if I am accepted to the masters program, as I will be able to take bank shifts. I am so grateful to have these tough decisions. I have had a lot of time to think about my future these past few weeks despite not having any time. (Being a senior is not worth the 65p pay rise!!) But, every spare moment has been spent planning.

Lewis had his 6th birthday last week. He had a bowling party (which had its own hilarious drama) and a husky cake. We're going to Disneyland Paris next Monday and I only really need to sort out our payment to get our bags taken from the train station to our room. We're taking 4 trains to get there (and the same on the way back) but it should be fun. I have a few days off now for the first time in ages. Olly and I are going to see our favourite folk duo when we get back from Paris. I'm not taking any nicotine any more and my caffeine is way down. We're booking a holiday for August, going to NorCal. Things are exhausting, but they are good.

I finally got the Senior job and people are being jerks about it. I honestly don't care too much, only that I have to work with those jerks and it's hard to make jerks respect you when they never wanted to in the first place. It'll be fine in a few weeks.

Someone who is pretty high up in the training department called me today. She said that there was a job in Essex she wanted me to apply for. I was the only one she called. Ok, she tried to call my co-worker Dave too, but couldn't get through. Still... do I send her my CV if I have JUST gotten the senior job; would that be the ultimate dick move?

I'll think about it.

... I'm not just avoiding you.

I made about 20%+ more on my last paycheck, which means I worked 20%+ more, which means I worked an average of 50+ hours a week in January. Not too terrible, I guess- though it doesn't count all the other crap I got done or unpaid hours. February's paycheck will be tight because it's a shorter month and because I used the rest of my annual leave up (when we take annual leave we don't get our overtime hours) among other things- but I was still so busy. I've finished up both of Lew's passports which we needed doing, and applied to my masters course.

I had an interview today for a job that I applied for on August 31st, 2015. I was told last week that I should have applied for it and that they had picked the new [person]. I said that I *HAD* applied, and that I was looked over again, so they rectified it, but I'm not convinced they'll really fully consider my application now. Honestly, I don't really mind- if I don't get the job I can still make an argument for the equal pay of that role due to other things I do outside my contracted role, and maybe move to a new unit. The new role means more responsibility on the unit and it may mean that I ruffle some previously-friendly feathers. If I get it, it will be very awkward. Everyone who interviewed for the position deserves it.

Mentally, I've been a bit all over the place. I keep myself busy to keep my brain distracted. It's a bad time of year for me. Lots of calendar anxiety. I am very emotionally exhausted most of the time, to a point of numbness and physical exhaustion. I'm probably not a great friend at times because of this- I become very introverted. I am a confident introvert, but I really need that lone recharge time where it's just me and my thoughts.

My neighbor keeps trying to guilt me into calling her, seeing her, always on the pretense of a favor or money or something she wants me to do for her. She gets annoyed that I work a lot and am unavailable on weekends or am just too tired to hang out in the evenings. I'm sorry, but that's not how you get my attention. Aside from that, she is generally not a fantastic friend and has burnt me in the past. On the other hand, one of my other new-wave non-work friends just wanted to see me. She understood that it took a while to arrange a time to hang out. Her recent spontaneous invitation over to her home for coffee was understanding of my non-traditional work schedule, and her offer for me to go with her to see movie (which thankfully I was able to do) was open and not desperate for a yes. I can get on board with that.

Death is weird. I mean, I've experienced it before- death and grief. My grandparents died when I was 17 and 19, both deaths were intense in different ways (my grandma got very ill and died a few months later, my grandpa was sudden and unexpected) and were really really hard on me.

With Serge's death, it's so different again- he's young, it's even MORE unexpected, and I'm not ready to say goodbye to him at all. He is someone who was hard to ignore online, his presence was everywhere. He was like me in some ways- lonely and reaching out to anyone/everyone online for contact. He was equal parts crotchety and kind, he was thoughtful and vulgar, he was unlike anyone else I know.

I got added in to the facebook group message trying to manage things after his death early on, so I could help create the gofundme page. So many horrible details in that message; I had to remove notifications from it by Friday morning. I went back and read it later- still horrible, but I could do it on my own time and in a safe space.

It's going to take a while to sink in that he's really gone. Even with knowing the details of his cremation and everything else, it's just so weird.

I'm sad that I never got over to Japan to hang out with him, but I am grateful for our many chats over the years.

Rest in peace, Serge. You're going to be fucking missed, and I hope you know that. I really hope you know.