It's sort of wonderful that I find myself correcting my way of thinking sometimes now, although it's admittedly harder to do when hormones are working against it. But you know, I may start to think "nobody will want to come with me to X" or "nobody will want me there" and I'll correct myself: "I am welcomed everywhere with open arms" (which is true, nobody's ever told me to fuck off and people appear generally happy to see me) and IT SOUNDS SO CORNY, the positive thinking version, but it shouldn't. It only sounds corny because I've been kicking myself mentally for so long, to the point where it's hard to even accept that people might actually like me and like to hear what I have to say. I've sorta been a person who *thinks* they love and accept themselves, but in reality, I'm constantly doubting myself and putting myself down even as I'm achieving some pretty cool things. For example, I publicly and successfully defended my dissertation last November. After that I hosted a dinner party, which I've never done before. And that's just a big thing. My life's been full of small successes, overcoming fears, especially concerning social situations. Recently I realized I'm a lot more spontaneous than I think, too (or have become that way). If someone were to suggest we should go enter a rowing contest tomorrow, I'd probably say yes, why not, it'll be funny if nothing else. I've been thinking I've become braver during my PhD studies, but I think I need to realize that I've always had it in me. I've always done things "my way", worn what I want, been friends with who I want, spent my time how I want. I think what has just happened more recently is that the world of possibilities for what I can do and achieve has become wider. For example, I can actually make new friends (whereas in the past I was stuck thinking I can't have a conversation with a stranger). I can do interesting work, if the opportunity comes around, or even better, if I create that opportunity for myself.

I am SO free-flowing right now, this is not what I came here to write haha.

What I came here to write was that I got more literature to work with by accident, I believe they call the genre life-design. But I saw a book in my brother's bookshelf and he let me borrow it: Timothy Ferriss's The 4-Hour Work Week. Like with the Badass book I have to adjust it a bit to my own situation, but there's been some quite interesting stuff already.

One interesting note is in contrast with what I said in the earlier post, from Nate Green, about starting a habit by starting from something so easy that "anyone could do it". Ferriss instead points out that dreaming big, well, the bigger dream may be more likely to become true because you are more motivated and driven to achieve it. Basically, holding yourself back and giving yourself 'mediocre/realistic' dreams may work against you being able to achieve, well, anything. Say, as a Finnish person you could dream of a weekend holiday in a local spa (zzz) or of a two-week adventure holiday in Australia. You start kinda saving for the spa and then lose all motivation because honestly it's not very exciting and zzzzzzzz. But AUSTRALIA. Exciting. How awesome would that be. Time to put some money aside, time to plan, can't wait for it to happen... and boom, one day it's actually achievable and you've done it. Just because you dared to have the dream to begin with. So, I guess it's really situational what works. To some, starting a habit (like exercise), maybe the "go once a week to gym" thing works. But to someone else it might be more efficient to think "fuck this, if I'm going to get fit, I'm going to be working towards a motherfucking sixpack and a marathon and I'm gonna be a kickboxing master and all this stuff hell yeah". And they may be more likely to get results the "crazier" the dream sounds.

So, I kind of have a list of my 6 month and 12 month dreams that are rather achievable and something I can work on immediately (like "spend more time with friends"), and then a separate list for the "crazy" likely long term dreams, like "I want to have a house with custom built cat climbing wall stuffs and a sauna" ahahaha.

Another main insightful thing was when the book gave advise for counting a budget, a monthly goal income for achieving our dream. And the amount that I came up with is actually shockingly low, although I admit I didn't include any HOUSE PURCHASES in it, or new beds or blenders or whatever... But to have the kind of lifestyle that I want, and being able to travel, man. I would not need much. Which makes me hopeful because if I can just get a job, the job will probably pay me more than what I would need to live my 'goal' lifestyle, which means I could even dream bigger and like, also get that new bed and that new blender and not go broke. Huh. (Of course, if I need to move, my living costs will rise and that will influence what I need per month, but even so... being a little bit minimalistic helps, I am not a big shopper anymore and tend to weigh whether I really need something or not)

But basically. I'm listening to these ideas and adjusting and adapting them to my situation and needs and taking steps forward in being closer to living an even better kind of life (because it hasn't been TERRIBLE, just a little too risk-free and in stagnation). It's kind of funny though, doing this, I almost feel busy even if I'm unemployed. lol

I'm back from my long break to record and mull on some self-help (or the like) materials, basically pieces of advice that I find useful and think might be of interest to others as well. And LJ is the best platform for this out of the ones I use, as it allows the babble.

I guess the first question, though, is how and why I ended up interested in this stuff to begin with. The foundation for it was built some months ago when I found Marie Kondo's konmari Netflix show, and discovered that her advice or guidance for discarding and/or reorganizing one's belongings was not only very practical, but made me sort of more focused on what is important to me. I haven't completed konmari-ng all my things, but I've done enough to kind of believe that by getting your material shit together, you may even feel that your inner shit is more together... That you're ready to let go of certain things and leave them in the past, where they belong. Some things that used to be super relevant and then became things you were super nostalgic about are no longer something you want to move forward with, while others still hold that value and maybe you are now even able to showcase in your home in a meaningful way and seeing it every day gives you a bit of happiness. So, Marie kind of made me begin to accept that people in this line of work might be able to give some guidance and help that isn't just nonsense that preys on lost souls.

With that being said, it's not like I rushed out to look for self-help stuff. It wasn't until a few days ago that I bumped into Matt D'Avella's podcasts (via his 30 days without sugar video that YouTube was pushing at me...) and just started listening to them while solving easy sudokus. A lot of the conversations are with the kinds of people I've had very little exposure to: life coaches, YouTubers doing self-help/advice videos, minimalists, and... entrepreneurs, people who learned to make money from what they were drawn to doing. It's actually shocking how few people I know who are essentually self-employed, I mean there are some but most work in companies of some kind, or universities.

Anyway, although there are some nice chats going on, it can take a long time to find some specific piece of advice that seems really useful. I'll share my favourite one here, but first, here's the whole video:



Nate Green talks about coaching people, but interestingly talks about guiding the client to solve their own problems, and ends up sharing up this tip about, I think, starting new habits. His example is about attending the gym. He would ask his client how realistic, on a scale of 1-10, it would be for him to go to the gym three times a week. If the client responds anything below 7, he lowers it to twice a week. If it's still unlikely, he lowers it to 1, at what point the client would usually go "just once a week? ANYONE can do that. --> *I* can do that." So what you do is that you start with something so easy and simple that YOU think that "anyone" could do it. It's contextual because what is possible is very individual. (There is no "one-size-fits-all"!) The example is about exercise, but I see no reason why it couldn't be applied to almost anything you wanted to add or increase as a habit in your life. "Anyone can meditate for 5 mins every day." "Anyone can study a new language for 10 mins a day." Or I even found myself thinking how I could clean something later, then asking myself - "can I spare three minutes to clean this NOW instead of later?" So, it seems like a reaally clever and effective way of getting yourself started with doing something. And as Nate pointed out, even if you only go to gym once a week for a year, that's still 52 more times than you would've otherwise gone...



Another podcast I really enjoyed listening to was with Aileen Xu who, for example, takes the konmari way of thinking further; to relationships, social media... From this video, I don't remember anything as specific as above that I found helpful, but she talks about going for your goals - you should take risks when you're young, and today is the youngest you'll ever be, even if you're 50 :3 She just generally seems like a sweet and supportive person, so I'll accept the fluffiness ok. On her personal YouTube channel she talks about imagining where you want to be/what your ideal life is like, and writing it down in present tense as if you're already there. I tried doing this last night and it's.. wild in the sense in that it makes you evaluate what it is that you actually want, but can also be initially really embarrassing because it's almost like you've been conditioned not to even mention what your dream is because it seems so unattainable?

This 'task' also connects to the self-help book that I started reading yesterday, Jen Sincero's You Are A Badass. Because she points out that the person you want to meet is already out there; the money you want to make already exists; etc. You just kind of have to wire yourself to think that you both deserve and can have whatever it is you want, they're out there for your taking... There's more to it that involves breaking down the subconscious beliefs that make you be stuck what you're doing now instead of taking risks to get the kind of life you want (even willing to fail, because you're still closer to the life you want then than before you started and was in your 'comfortable' but unsatisfying and even unhappy bubble).

To me this is all quite topical because I'm currently unemployed; I have applied for research funding, but they're incredibly competitive and I'm not sure the academic career is for me in the long run, anyway. That is what makes me feel stuck, and makes it difficult for me to have a goal; I'm not sure how to get to a career that I'm not sure exists! I still want to work with digital games and gaming, but I have nothing on game design, which is of course the key way of ending up working in the industry. When these companies look for analysts, they look for people who can do statistical analysis. I'm all qualitative, baby. So I'd have to convince them all somehow that I have something to give for them, something that could give them a competitive edge. I'm not sure how to do that. I have a lot to work through so I can establish goals and begin to work towards achieving them...

Absolutely nobody's asked for this, but I feel like sharing it anyway - the stuff I've been doing to become fitter. Disclaimer: I have zero background in sports or exercising in any way so if this stuff looks "weak" to some, that's because I'm weak. lol

I mainly use Amy's (BodyFit by Amy) YouTube exercise videos. I KNOW, I KNOW, I used to be one of those people who think it's really weird when people stare at a screen and do stuff by themselves at home all perky and excited. But there are great benefits to it:

1) I don't need to worry about heading out to a gym (in fact I would never work out if it required me to go to a gym; I don't like to leave my place, I don't like being self-conscious, plus I enjoy changing straight into pajamas after the post-workout shower)
2) Amy will just say when it's time to switch or pause and I can focus 100% on what I'm doing, it's great. I've tried just following pictorial/written instructions before, but the thing is, I get a lot more effective (and safe) workout if I'm doing it at the same time as the instructors, and somehow it feels better to do the movement in a tempo that feels good instead of thinking about how many reps I have to do.
3) I know exactly how long the workout is going to be. Sometimes it's getting to 21:11 and I'm like oh shit, is it too late to start exercising now? But then the video is 25-35 min long so even with my poor maths I know I can still start and finish before 10PM (some of the exercises involve jumping and I'm a reasonable person so I don't do jumping after 10PM in an apartment building).
4) Somehow the videos push me forward without actually holding me accountable. I mean, the people on the video don't see you so it's perfectly possible to "cheat" or keep pausing the video, but it's like... why would you do that?
5) The videos have "low impact"/beginner versions of moves as well as more advanced ones, so you can keep doing the same videos and increasingly make the exercises more challenging for yourself instead of having to constantly look for new videos.

So then, as for the exercises that I actually do...

25 Minute Weighted Cardio for Fat Burning

I've done this one the most times and it's likely my favourite; it always leaves me super sweaty, but also because I know the routine so well by now, it also feels "easier" to do it even if I'm physically still being challenged. You know?

35 Minute Total Body Strength and Conditioning

This one can feel like a step more challenging than the video above, since it involves also holding positions (e.g. lunge, squat) and 'pulsing', which can be absolute kill, but also makes you feel awesome for being able to do it.

HIIT Training - High Intensity Interval Training Workout

The bad thing about this one is that it doesn't include a proper warmup and cool down, so you gotta look after yourself. It's an older video so the sound also isn't as good as in the later ones. This workout is the toughest one for me; each circuit feels like it lasts forever, towards the end I have trouble even holding a simple plank because I get so tired, and there's one balancing move that I seem unable to do properly (though of course I keep trying)... But it's good to have one like this around. I keep thinking that if I keep getting stronger, I'll be able to do this just as well as the first video I put up.

Then because I've actually bothered to get a stability ball, I also do this 25 min workout sometimes:

The only thing is, it doesn't feel as 'intense' as the other ones, so I almost feel like I should combine it with something else to feel content at the end, we'll see.

From written/pictorial guides I've also used this Rachael's full body HIIT workout; it was recommended as one for "skinnyfat" people, and since my biggest issue wasn't being severely overweight, but everything else that comes with not looking after yourself properly, it seemed like something worth looking into. I absolutely freaking loathe Tricep Dips. Because this one isn't a video, I don't do it as often as the others - I used to have a sort of weekly schedule in which this was included, but I'm more flexible with it now.

Other vids/things have come and gone (I started with reaaally easy low impact ones initially), but these are the ones I'm sticking to currently. Good, fun times. Sometimes I can evel feel muscles in my thighs now, how odd.

Here is my official fangirling post about my very first WWE live show attendance!

The pictures are courtesy of Russell and I have kind of cropped and resized them on purpose so that if he wants, he can still meaningfully share the pics in better quality elsewhere. LOL

I think the only match I'm not commenting on at all is the cruiserweight one, which is sad because cruiserweights are supposed to be ideal for me. The faster the action and the more flying about a match involves the more I enjoy it, and cruiserweights tend to do this a lot. But they kind of ruined things for me when they moved Enzo Amore over and suddenly he's like the face of the CWs? It really sucks LOL.

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This is my self-reflective post on why I enjoy prowrestling/sports entertainment/basically WWE. Interestingly enough, some of the reasons why people make fun of it or think it's lame are the very reasons why I like it. Mostly I am doing this for fun ♥

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Just a slight update that my skin so far generally feels better, but doesn't look better, kind of like I expected. I have, however, got these tiny spots especially around my nose after starting the experiment which makes me think that one of the products is not after all oily-skin friendly. I guess what I'm going to try now for a day or so is replacing the Sana Tonyu with some basic local product (which might not even be a suitable replacement, but oh well) and see if that's the culprit. If not, I would venture to guess it's the moisturizer. Boo.

Make-up experiments are still very much underway; I'm not happy with how the coverage on my skin or my under-eyes. There is much to learn lol. I just worry about caking up too much. x-x

I am back from Tokyo and I was almost able to buy everything I wanted/needed.

First, some 'accessories':

The thingy on the left is supposed to help to make your face wash super foamy so that it's more effective (and fun, because foam is fun). I spotted this on a shelf by complete accident, which was fortunate indeed.

Baby Foot is because my feet need love. This was actually on my list of things to get, haha.

And tongue scraper is to clean my tongue! Apparently the tongue is where all the stuff that smells bad remains, etc. I had never heard of specific items for cleaning one's tongue until I saw someone use it on Big Brother Australia or something. Since then I've been looking for something like it in Finland and my impression has been that it simply does not exist. Huh. So I was sure to grab one from Japan when I spotted one on a shelf.

These are the skin care products I got:


Except I forgot to include the sunscreen I bought, Bioré UV AQUA Rich!

From left to right:
Rosetto face wash, Natural Aqua Gel Cure exfoliator, Mentholatum Melano CC intensive anti-spot essence, Sana Tonyu Isofurabon toner

I wasn't able to find the exact moisturizer and cleansing oil that I had written down on my list, so I simply decided not to buy one from Japan to avoid accidentally buying a product that doesn't fit me at all. I already went to a supermarket to look for a local replacement and ended up with these:



Again, trying to avoid anything that might make my skin oily, so hopefully the moisturizer does have a matte finish as promised.

Here's the make-up I got:


Canmake Lasting Multi Eye Base WP, Cezanne lipstick, Cezanne blush, and the super famous mascara and eyeliner that can be found literally everywhere.

What I didn't end up finding was "kiss Mat Chiffon UV Ease N"; it was supposed to be a mattifying primer for the T-zone to prevent skin from becoming oily and such. But I couldn't find a product named exactly this, so again, to avoid any risk, I didn't buy anything. But if everything else I have is mattifying and I live in a relatively 'dry' and cold country, maybe I won't even need it.

So I have almost everything I need! Now I should just get started with the experiment, eventually. Unfortunately I am still completely knackered from my trip, so today is not the day.

What happens when someone who has virtually no skin care routine and wears no make-up starts following a daily (Japan-inspired) routine and experiments with make-up? I aim to find out! Booyah!

I haven't had clear skin since I was twelve. That's when I first started having acne and my skin became quite oily. Since then, in addition to some acne scars and all the impurities that come with having an untended oily skin, my cheeks have also become quite red - the reason is unknown to me. Every now and then, especially in my teens, I have tried some products - lazily - to improve my skin, but the results have been so disappointing, or the products so slow to make an impact, that eventually I've always just given up. Sometimes my skin has felt better after using some product, but it hasn't looked better, so my somewhat silly response has been "what's the point?"

Even if I haven't been using make-up much recently, for years I've had a strange fascination with it and the techniques of applying make-up. I perceive it as a creative outlet, very much like painting one's face. Particularly certain East Asian styles have been attractive to me and for a Western point of view, Lisa Eldridge's YouTube channel is lovely. However, you could probably say that the reason why I've given up on make-up to such a big extent is that in theory, I have a decent idea of what you need to make it last and look good, but since I don't have those products and buying them has seemed like a possibly unnecessary investment, it has also lead to a situation of "what's the point?" As in, if you can't do it well, why do it at all?

A good consequence from this has been that I have become completely comfortable with leaving the house bare-faced. (This was not the case when I was younger.) Even when I go out to meet people, I'm typically wearing no make-up. I've found that the world will keep spinning even if my face is a little red and nobody will treat me worse or respect me less for it (that I know of). (Of course I'm privileged in many ways in life that makes this possible.) From that point of view, I feel that going bare-faced for a long time has been a good experience. And actually, it might mean that this is the best possible time for me to do an appearance related experiment like this. I'm not doing it because I have an obsessive need to become prettier or a goal to become "hot" - I'm simply doing it because I can and because it might be fun and because the preparation part has been inspiring. I'm not looking to impress anyone; I'm looking to have an enjoyable time. And I think this is why a lot of people, in the end, wear make-up and enjoy wearing make-up. It can't really be denied that make-up at its core is a result of a patriarchal society that places extra pressure on women to invest in their appearance. At the same time, however, I think make-up has got to a point where women can "retake it" for themselves and interpret it as a way to pamper themselves or express their individuality - and this is why there are some men actually complaining about women "wearing too much make-up". Its only purpose is not to please men, but it also provides a means for women (or men, or anyone) to do what they want. There's still too much pressure for women to wear make-up for certain jobs, for instance, but when it's a choice, it can have a liberating rather than enslaving impact.

Now back to the topic - what am I doing and why am I doing it that way?

I'm flying over to Tokyo soon (only for five days) and while thinking of things I could buy from Japan that "you can't get anywhere else", I remembered the tales of Japanese drug store make-up and skin care products that are affordable, very available, and high quality despite the low price. This is because the competition in Japan (in Korea, as well) for beauty products is incredibly high. While make-up over there is quite important, skin care is valued over it: if you have good skin, you won't need as much make-up. This way of thinking is spread, I believe, all over East Asia, and results in the demand for quality products also at affordable prices that makes it possible for a beauty product haven to become reality. Inspired by all this, I started googling for products that are recommended online and ended up realizing that this might be the perfect opportunity for me to give my skin another chance. Yes, I will still have to sacrifice money to buy products for an intensive routine, and space in my suitcase, but it won't feel as bad if I'm buying products that cost as little as 5 - 15 euros a piece instead of 25 - 40 euros, for instance. Currently I'm most bummed that I won't be starting the experiment right then and there in Japan for two rather good reasons: first, to not have to worry about the packages re-opening inside the suitcase, and second, because weather there is so different that my skin would react differently to products there in comparison to at home, anyway.

The plan is to follow a Japanese skin care routine to the extent that I can. This is generally what a Japanese skin care routine looks like (google offers more details):

1. Oil-based cleansing (for make-up removal)
2. Foamy face wash
3. Toner
4. Serum (for specialized care, e.g. anti-aging, acne, etc.)
5. Lotion, 'cream' or 'milk' (moisturizing)
6. Sun screen (in the morning)

At night, sheet masks can be added (before applying the serum); at the moment I'm not crazy about the idea of using sheet masks because if I started using them, I'd need them available regularly and so just buying a few from Japan won't cut it. It won't be a full routine then, which irks me a little, but I guess we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll try and see if there are some local face masks I could use.

In addition to these, I'm also interested in exfoliating twice a week; this happens after face wash.

As for the make-up, I'm going to go especially for products that allow make-up to stay still on oily skin, and anything 'mattifying'. I've quit wearing eye shadow, for instance, because my lids have been too oily and the primer I've tried before was no use (Lumene, I believe). But I've now done research on primers that should be better, both for eyes and the T-zone. Aside from that, I'll be looking for just some cheap basic items from Japan, like mascara, lip gloss, maybe some blush, so that I can have fun experimenting without feeling like I'm throwing away all my money. Since make-up is largely focused on in the West, I think that if I get into it more, I won't have trouble finding decent items here as well. It's just that it is somewhat convenient to get this stuff from Japan while I'm at it.

I was going to make a note of drinking more water, as well, but as it turns out I've had the flu from hell this past week and have been drinking water more than ever before, and this might continue in the future. Drinking water should be good for the skin, too, that is, when I'm not sick anymore.

So that is the plan so far. I'm planning on taking some 'before' pictures and if things go well, my skin will look a little improved some weeks after. I've never believed that the redness in my skin could go away or that the pores could look much less gross, so my expectations are not very high, but it would at least be nice if my skin felt smoother so that applying make-up is more fun, as if my face was truly a canvas instead of a bumpy road.

We will see what happens, I suppose, but I'm looking forward to this!!