Writing

.haitus

/ ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ / 12 Comments

I had always imagined myself to be having a vision board, with post-it notes, red ball of thread and weaving a story like the ever so creative detectives and their boards on almost all the TV shows. While they tried to figure out how to catch a killer, I would probably try to figure out how to write a killer story, or maybe I should perhaps create a board to revive my writing gene, which if you haven’t paid much attention died a while ago. I always felt the need to write, maybe because I couldn’t speak, maybe because when I did speak, it did somehow backfire. Don’t get me wrong, I have been in a trouble a lot for speaking than I was for writing. Oh, yeah, writing did create some enemies too, but then again was there ever a shortage of enemies. The shortage has always been with friends. Even the people I have come across on WordPress, I did consider them as friends, please note that this is a uni-directional one, doesn’t always have to be bi-directional. I mean to say, I have imagined to have a writers club of sorts shooting ideas over skype, google chat, I mean zoom.

Sometimes thinking inside the box is more than enough.

.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

While I would contemplate on things I did to piss people off, in which context I had nothing to do with it, but my not-so-pretty but little mind of mine would start creating new story lines with the red thread that was unused from the previous paragraph’s story board. Oh! You wouldn’t believe the theories I would come up with, it would mind f#ck a thousand ways to one. But you wouldn’t want that, I am sure. Believe me, I sometimes wonder if I should ever be admitted given the web of things my mind weaves up within fractions of seconds. I would have loved it if I was making out of this catastrophe. If only, nevertheless, we don’t want a let down of a person. We are all looking for inspiration in the very unsettling world out there and positivity is the word of the day, each day, every day. Such a fun and exhilarating phrase that is, ‘positive vibes only’. I am reassured each and everyday when I scroll up the Instagram or Facebook amidst all the short videos that float around people still manage to be inspiring. But little do they know, there is no inspiring the dead.

Oh, believe me I tried. I have made resolutions, created punishments and whatnot, but some are just dead on the inside. I sometimes wonder what had inspired me once upon a time, I was struggling to keep up with my writing, I had written page after page, bookmarking them, labelling them, in diaries in different inks and whatnot. And then someone flipped a switch and I haven’t held a pen in what feels like a million years. Maybe a pen is the trigger object like the snow white’s kiss from the estranged prince. But only if there was a curse. Well, there seems to be one and that would easily be broken by doing something about it, but who will tell my not so smart brain of mine to do than to think of doing it ‘later’.

But hold on a second. Did I catch you on a wrong day? Did I somehow let down you day with my un-inspiration? I would apologize and I should but I had done that plenty to no avail. So, I think I would rather stop doing that. And what’s that? To whom have I apologized to and why? All good questions and there is a perfectly good answer to it as well, but I have been told a good mystery is healthy. And before I go around writing gibberish, I would like to think I have made a comeback and this is nothing close to a comeback post which will blow your mind. Well, I did have one but honestly, that would be rather too much to handle and I already have enough people hating me, I wouldn’t want to pile up on that. Hate is strong word, and that is something you will associate to once I happen to bring out the best of myself with the worst.

Are you with me? I would have loved to end the post on a happy note and from what I can tell, I am nearing the five hundred work mark that I made up just a minute ago. But I would love to know how you all have been and what are you upto? If you would be so kind to leave a note, I will definitely make sure to check your blog.

winter 2021 | .ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

.unblur

/ ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ / 72 Comments

Somethings always come with a price.
.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

Unblur

Colours. How fascinating are they? And how beautiful they are. And yet the fascination, my fascination lies with them two; monochome. You ask why? I wish I knew. Or perhaps, I wish I could explain. So tell me, what does happiness mean to you? How happy are you, right now? If not, don’t worry, you will be! How often do you look forward and want to be happy all the time? Wouldn’t you agree if anyone said that happiness is a beautiful place to be in? Of course it is a beautiful place to be in. And nothing makes me more glad to know you all are happy!

But amidst all this aura, it pulls me down a little. Don’t get me wrong, I love happiness. And also, I am scared of it. Because if there’s anything experience taught me anythimg, time and again, that there’s always a yang for yin, white for black, good for bad and sad for happy. Well, that does sound a little strtched.. something like out of context, doesn’t it? There won’t be anyone more ‘happier’ than me, if you said that there’s no alternative for happiness. But unlike you, I beg to differ. No, I am not trying to put a pessimistic approach or kill that optimistic mind of yours. I am speaking from mere experience. I agree with the odds that the percentage is different. For you happiness is a hundred percent, while for me sadness. There I did it again, brought the pessimistic viewpoint. I really can’t help it. And like I said, I am speaking from mere experience of a lifetime, so far! I wish it were a hazy opinion, a heresay, a lie, blurred emotion. But, time and again, I have seen it come back, like a stone in the ocean to ripples of tsunami, like a voice in mountain to multitude of echoes, piercing a million times over. Can the

. ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

Price

.dotProject
A traditional post where in the writer could write anything from poetry to prose to even a single line. Basically it is a prompt based post, but no restrictions whatsoever. My current format involves a quote and a bit of a passage around it, just to make a better sense of the abstract. If anyone wants to take up the project, please be my guest. Do let me know so that I can check your post as well.

.prompt : unblur

Realization.

/ ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ / 131 Comments

You time is my memory.
_____

What is it called which hurts the most? What is that simple thing that makes you realize your gravest mistake? Why is it that, it being just in front of our eyes we want to ignore? There are a lot of questions that whisper silently yet screaming in the head. Pain ah, man’s ultimate solitude. A fortress that we build in the name of pain and its outcome. Without pain, there is no gain. Someone said it and that humble someone is probably right. But how does it fall into place? How does it know when to fall in place? Time, a morbid concept of reality, tricky yet precious, at the same time.

Let me start by first apologizing to the people who apparently think that I am not good enough for being a friend. For the past 24 odd years, I never had the liberty of having a friend, let alone a best friend. There might be a reason to it, but it doesn’t need explaining. At the end of the day, I am still the same person I was a day ago, or a decade ago. I may have grown up or old but I have done with only me, I alone. People are fascinating beings. When I have spent a major chunk of my life being in the company of myself, there comes a time when one realizes to look around and most importantly look at the people around. It is even more moving when some of these people actually look back at you and spend some of their time with you. Time, that precious chunk of one’s life that once spent could never be taken back or changed or bargained for. Don’t you think it is precious? I do.

I had the luxury of meeting some of the amazing people here on blogosphere. I agree that I am not one of the most charming people who has a way with words, or a witty one, or as a matter of fact not even normal. I am just a plain old boring soul. Having said that I have come across some of the people who are just too amazing. I know that becoming a friend needs to meet certain criteria, which I was hoping to meet over the course of time. So, it began. The conversations. Be it comments, emails or WhatsApp chat, I was aiming to meet their checklist, having already checked my only point in my checklist which read as “Time“. If they could spare some of their time for me, that in itself is such a big thing. But, I made a mistake of assuming.

I have traveled places all my childhood, not by choice but by compulsion. This should have been an added bonus, but this somehow shut be out. It is always not easy to adjust to the new environment, new people, their habits, their way of expressing. I have seen it all and have slowly adapted to each one. During all this, this coping and matching their tempo, the level of understanding, something in me snapped which made sure that I was uber cautious of the people around me, about what to say and what not to say. This dilemma slowly set to a conclusion that it is better not to speak than say something and make a fool of myself. This became quite difficult for people to adjust to me, and I to them. Eventually, I became my own company and the friendship days became just a namesake day to wish people whom I apparently knew also called as classmates, and vice versa.

Recently, I had met some new people – at work and online here through blogs. All of them are way too amazing people. Then came the first Sunday of August, which we all know what it is. So, I waited to check if anyone considered me in their list, whether I was able to cross off their check

.boxes. It was at the end of the day that I realized that I still have a long way to go. But, before this I did something. As I have already mentioned that my criteria has just one checkbox and it’s checked for most people. So, I made a post for them. It’s not one of those heart warming posts that you might think, but it is something I like to cherish by mentioning the few people who have been a part of my journey through blogging. I spent the whole night drafting and redrafting and finally rambling something. It is not a great post, but it wasn’t all that bad either. I finally posted it and waited.

The whole of Friendship Day I was on a lookout for people I may know or might have heard of me, or probably might remember me, which was rare, but hope is a pitiful thing, isn’t it? After a whole day of contemplation and exasperation, I have finally manned up a bit and decided to invade their “friend-time”, so I sent out messages to people from my office and emails to the people I have been in contact with. And boy, was I surprised to see the responses.

  1. Who said I was your friend?
    A common courtesy of thank you would have sufficed. I didn’t ask for much. I was expecting anything more either. A simple “Thank you. Same to you too” could have just made my day. But well.
  2. The courteous friend :
    Thank you to you too.Courteous
  3. Validation :
    I guess I needed to be validated as well.Validation
  4. I don’t, really!
    So, I told this generous person to kindly read the blog post in which I have mentioned them, but who really cares anyway.

Probably, I got what I deserved. My sincere apologies for jumping into conclusions at the first sight of conversation. Hopefully, I will be more careful.