As I look back on my childhood, I see a little girl who was different. A little girl who would play, laugh and enjoy a normal childhood, while at home with her family. A little girl who was quiet, reserved and unable to show emotion in the presence of non – family members.  My story begins at age five, on the first day of kindergarten. I walked into the classroom, and thought to myself, “I’m not going to talk today.” The next day, I walked in and thought, “I’m not going to talk to these people today, either.” I’m not sure how many days this continued but it got to the point where I just couldn’t bring myself to speak. The words wouldn’t come out.

I had two friends, Penny and Barbie, who were sisters. My mom would babysit them and we would play together. Penny was in my class and Barbie was a little older. I did not talk to these two friends directly, but would tell my mom to ask Penny if I could play with her doll, or ask Barbie if she wanted to go outside to play. My friends would be standing right there, so I would talk in front of them but not to them. At school, I would write my answers on paper and Penny would read them. In fourth grade, Penny and Barbie moved away, and things went downhill from there.

The next two years were the worst. I remember one teacher writing the word ‘mute’ on the board, and using me as an example of its meaning. I spent fifth and sixth grade, sitting at a desk in the coat room, away from my classmates, but where they could see me sitting there by myself. The more anyone tried to make me talk, the worse I felt. If anyone looked at me or spoke to me, I would just sit there frozen, unable to move until they turned away. I didn’t like the attention. Kids would pinch me or kick my chair, trying to make me speak, but I would not. I wanted to scream but the words were not there. I wasn’t allowed to buy a lunch ticket, even though I had the money in my hand, because I would not ask for it. While everyone else was outside playing at recess, I was in that coat room eating a peanut butter sandwich that I brought from home. I don’t know if I was the first SM child that my school ever had to deal with, or if there just wasn’t enough research out there, at that time, but I would hope that with all the information available today, that they would take a different approach.

Being away from the other kids, I wasn’t learning social skills, and I still, to this day, have trouble with eye contact, self-esteem, self-confidence, and having a real conversation. I was told many years later, that these teachers didn’t want to treat me this way, but were told that they had to. I don’t think my classmates even knew how bad it was.  I never even went to the bathroom at school until I got into high school.

High school was a little better. I wasn’t set apart from my classmates, and was treated much better by the teachers. Nobody tried to force me to speak. I did all of my class work in writing. Rather than being treated with humiliation, I was treated just like everyone else. I even started answering questions when called on, but I still did not talk to any classmates. So, I basically went from kindergarten through twelfth grade,  without ever speaking to another student.

Jumping ahead five years, my 23rd birthday was coming up, and I told myself that I really had to do something. I asked my mom to give me a surprise birthday party, but the ‘surprise’ was on my guests. I had invited 10 – 12 people who I had never spoken to. That was the day that I started talking, and I did it on my own, when I was ready. It was also on my 23rd birthday that I answered the phone for the very first time.

Recently, I read an article about ‘Selective Mutism’. I had never heard of it before, but now I know that there is a name for what ailed me as a child. Selective Mutism is a social anxiety disorder where a child is unable to speak, in certain situations or around certain people. For me, it was only certain family members, that I would speak to.

Friendships have always been a struggle for me.  I had friends but not ones that I could really open up to, or have a serious conversation with. Over the past few years, I have met a few friends online. But how can you form real friendships with people you will never meet? Two online friends that I have met in person, have stuck by me, never giving up on our friendship, and have become my closest, dearest friends. It’s funny because there is not one person here, in my own town, who I could call a true friend. It can get pretty lonely in my world sometimes. Even as an adult, I sometimes feel so isolated, as if I were still sitting in that coat room by myself. About four years ago, I started going to church. For the first time in my life, I feel a sense of acceptance, love and belonging.

For the past three years, I have attended a Women of Faith Conference with my church. It felt great to be praising God with thousands of other women, but at the same time, I still felt alone. One of the speakers, the first year I attended, was Lisa Welchel, talking about her struggle with friendships. Her story really hit home with me, and I felt that it could have been me on that stage, talking about my struggle with friendships. It was like my words were coming out of her mouth.

A few months later, I was asked to get up at church, and talk about that weekend at the conference. Little did they know that I had never even given an oral book report. God helped me to get through it, and now I sometimes get up at church to read scripture. Without God, I never would’ve made it through all those years of silence.

I’m sharing my story to hopefully help others like me, or those who have children who are suffering with SM. It is my hope that you or your child will never have to go through what I went through. Although, I still struggle almost daily, I have been made stronger because of it, and that is what gets me through. Don’t give up. There is hope.