A couple of months ago I tried to access livejournal on whim because I felt the need to record some very personal thoughts. And my access was denied! I'm not sure if it was my interent connection acting up or the site going through maintaince, but I was crushed. I thought for one fleeting second that livejournal had disappeared from the interent world forever, and along with it my 600+ memories. Not that all of my entries have been positive (most are emo-ish or scatterbrained ramblings) but they are my entries nonetheless! I'm very glad to see that was not the case at all.

I miss livejournal. I miss the days when it was the foremost method of keeping tabs on your friends. Days before the instant messaging boom. Days before the glitz and needless applications present in Myspace and Facebook. Wow, writing that makes me sound very old and bitter. It makes me feel very old and bitter too. I guess you'll have that.

I've pretty much disowned my Myspace and Facebook counterparts - my extensive Myspace blogs and drunken Facebook pictures just don't do it for me anymore, which makes me certain it doesn't do it for my friends as they are very preoccupied with their own extensive blogs and drunken pictures. So far I have heard no complaints regarding my lack of internet activity, though honestly my lack of internet activity does not assist me much in discovering if there are any complaints.

I've discovered very recently, and foolishly late, that I enjoy being around people. People I have things in common with, people who make me laugh. People I consider friends. And while modern technology makes it possible to stay connected to them regardless of time and space, it is no substitute for human interaction.

College has been the only time in my life I have easily, and in excess, forged lasting friendships. The type of friendships I read about in books during my young adult years and hoped one day to stumble upon. While I was beyond happy to meet these wonderful people, lack of real world experience (or perhaps lack of literary diversity) kept my from truly cherishing the gift I had covetted and been granted.

I think back often to my time spent at college. Try as I might not to, I have a few regrets about it. The foremost being my time spent on the interent. It depresses me to no end when I attempt to calculate the hours I spent surfing the internet. Downloading music. Posting in forums. It brings me to tears when I consider the evenings I spent locked in my bedroom chatting with net pals from all over the world when I had three amazing friends living under the same roof fully capable and willing to meet my socialization needs.

Please don't get me wrong. My college days were not completely spent holed up in my room with my fingers attached to my keyboard and mouse. I was quite a social being, and have a long list of good, bad and highly amusing recounts I can share at the drop of a hat.

I just want to kick myself when I think of all opportunities I missed to add to that list. The days when I claimed to be "ill" or "tired" so as to spend a few extra hours on the net. The nights I passed up get togethers to chat with a net pal about Harry Potter, which was absolutely the only thing we had in common. The phone calls I cut short and the dinner invitations I blew off. Hell, even the weekend drinking binges I turned down.

I never fully grasped how much I would miss having friends around every corner. Good friends. True friends. I suppose you can liken it up to the "you don't know what you have until it is gone" philosophy. It would be nice if life were so simple that I could shrug my shoulders and chalk one up to experience. Life isn't so simple, or at least mine isn't.

I miss my friends and I miss them terribly every day. I miss the good and the bad and the very mundane. I miss Ryan blasting his music loud enough to wake me up in the mornings. I miss smoking on the back porch with Kenny. I miss Jayson being moody over his workload and the approaching project deadlines. I miss Guitar Hero with Bough and Jon. I miss Megs crying at the bar. I miss pizza nights with Chad. I miss Chai Lattes and fandom goodness with Ambler in the library. I miss dragging Manda to Wilk socials. I miss doing rounds with Kira and Chrissy. I miss bugging Bridget to buy me alcohol. I miss begging Kat to let me play her Sims. I miss talking about books with Buss. I miss early morning Spanish class with Donnie. I miss trips home with Matt. I miss working overnight, getting McDonalds at 8am, mixing Jack Daniels with orange juice and dancing around my apartment with Wyatt just to annoy my annoying upstairs neighbors. I miss Allies meetings and Misty Monday Movies Nights. I miss Decemberween and Piggytines Day. I miss the basement.

Yet, so much time has passed that I am even hesitant in calling them my friends. Some I haven't spoken to or seen in almost three years. This is not singularly due to lack of communication on their part - I am well aware that I lack greatly in that arena. Typically I like to blame my newfound (and ever growing) hatred of the internet and my guilt over falling victim to its mass appeal. I know I can pick up a phone, pen a snail mail letter or take a road trip. However life, in that funny ironic way it operates, does particularly spare me much means to do any of that. Alas, there is no real answer.

Otherwise, things are going as well as to be expected with me. I have a job I don't loathe (with good hours and decent pay) but does not challenge me. I see my sister, my mom and my gram (the only family members I deem of great importance) fairly often. I am in a relationship with a great man who is more than I could ever ask for. I have a considerable amount of belongings I cherish - car, ps3, ipod, cell phone, etc. I've been laboring over a work of fiction I think has real potential and is written from the heart.

That void is still present. The missing link in a life of comfortable living - the friendship link.

I don't write this to make anyone feel angry or guilty. I don't write it wishing for spams of comments to stroke my ego and assure me that I am wonderful and well missed. I write it to write it and for no other reason than to ease the weight the tiniest bit. Perhaps to flex my writing skills, which I have vowed to do daily.

I'll probably post this on Myspace too, as much as it pains me. Regardless of my personal feelings about the site, it is still the most effective way to reach the few I wish to read this. Damn irony.

And fuck spell check.

Yes I have achieved 5 stars on Freebrid. On EXPERT.

Muahaha!

Ok, maybe it wasn't on expert per say. Still, that song on medium is a challenge enough that I was happy to have finally gotten the coveted ***** rating. In fact I was able to do that with all songs on medium, save the evil Institutionalized by whoever it is that sings/covers it. I'm just no good at those super fast consecutive notes.

Outside of my rightful place as a Guitar Hero of Medium Skill there isn't much new to report. At least nothing worth writing about in great detail. I suppose each event can be summed up in a few choice sentences.

My sister and I moved out of my mom's house into an apartment of our own which, due to my lack of updating, is actually very old news. The rent is pretty high, the neighbors won't stop procreating and I really hate the windows. Other than that it is nice.

I got a new car. Not so much out of wanting (though I did want, just not so soon) but more out of necessity. It's a pretty sleek ride. I think it used to belong to a drug dealer.

Work has been more enjoyable now that I have sick/vacation/personal days to take at will. My sister has also started working there (see, there isn't anything we don't do together!) and that helps a lot. The more I learn about taxes, tax laws and those who create tax laws the more nightmares I have.

I think I've made a new friend. That is cause enough for major celebration in my book. There aren't many people in this area worth getting to know. I miss all my other friends (never doubt that) in such a way that I am unable to accurately put it into words. That means A LOT.

I've been taking part in this quit smoking program offered at work. To date it hasn't done much except get me to cut down greatly. I am determined to do it - I just know that it will be a long and very hard process. It would help tremendously if I had a cheerleader in my corner, however that position remains vacant.

And there you have it.

I have a lengthy jumble of words one could consider a review of the new Harry Potter book typed up. Perhaps I'll get around to posting it sometime in the near future. I guess I could sum it up for you right now in four words: I TOLD YOU SO. There. All the time you would have spent reading my entry can now be put to better use. I doubt it will shed any new light on the subject anyway - I believe at this point in time every word of that series has been discussed, rediscussed and basically talked to death.

The newest case of Pottermania caused me to become very nostalgic (especially in regards to HP rping). I even unearthed an old fic/potential rp thread I had started writing about three years ago. My main purpose in finally finishing it is to send it to a friend for her birthday, though I don't deny DH generally left me longing for more Potter goodness. If you care to review/edit it for me (which would be much appreciated I might add) let me know!

Our neighbors have 6 kids (and another one on the way) and I have this horrible habit of saying the most inappropriate things whilst they play in the backyard. Like today, for instant, while having a smoke with my sister and her friend outside, I made the loud comment of 'The only way Brittney Spears can bring her career back is if she stars in a low budget porn and gets fucked in the ass 6 different ways". Oh the curious looks children can give you. I almost wanted to explain what that meant.

Work has been boring. I would rather not talk about work if you please.

It is far too humid. My hair is curling. This is not a good thing.

I hate One Tree Hill. Really I do. Every time Charlene watches it I want to smash the TV.

PMS this month turned me into a crying fool. Hardcore, emoish, blubbering fool, G.

Apparently my last sentence only reinforces the fact that I need to get out of this area, if only for a few days. I said 'fiddy cent' yesterday. It is time for intervention.

We pay for a ton of cable channels, though lately all I've been watching is the Food Network. Tells you something about my priorities, doesn't it?

Oh yes, and where DID the balls go? Not sure, but Corgie doesn't haven't his anymore. :o(

Nearly completely moved into the new apartment. It has been a slow and painful process, mostly due to the busy nature of our schedules. And do to laziness. A few things remain at our mom's place, but we can get those the moment some motivation comes along. Generally I like the new place. It has potential. It is smallish in comparison to other places we've lived, but just enough room to house what we need. Most of our neighbors keep to themselves, save the lady next door and her six children who catch us off guard and chat our ears off. They're nice though. What I don't like about the new place is that it is supposed to be rent controlled and affordable. Call me crazy, but I don't think that $520 a month is very affordable. Not in this neighborhood.

The busy season at work is just about over for me. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it there for awhile. I was doing an average of 12 hours overtime a week. But I needed the money more than I needed my sanity. I got my first raise after 3 months, will be getting another at 6 months (along with vacation/sick/personal time) and another at 12 months. Even with these raises the money isn't that great - I make far less than I should and I'm aware of it. However, the benefits (even benefits extending past general healthcare and such) truly do make up for it and is the driving force keeping me there. Of course, more money would be nice.

But hell, they're going to pay for the sessions and materials so that I can enroll in this program to quit smoking. And when I say "they" I do not mean my health insurance. I mean the company itself. There are a variety of wellness programs they sponsor, and I narrowed it down to that and Weight Watchers. Hopefully it will work. I feel that the time to quit is now.

I have no less than five gray hairs. I noticed one a few weeks ago, and simply thought it was the summer sunshine bringing out the natural highlights in my hair. Even though my hair is very dark, it has highlights so blonde they appear gray. Not this time. These five hairs are of the old lady variety. At least it is a very nice shade of gray - more of a shiny silver if truth be told. When the time comes I will have a head of very pretty gray hair, of that I'm certain. Yet I feel 25 is far too young for them to start popping up. I will be dying my luscious locks accordingly.

I simply can not wait to spend my hard earned money on myself this paycheck. I must buy the new Smashing Pumpkins album. Even though the first song and video released did not strike my fancy in the least, I am a hardcore fan so I will still purchase it. I've only been waiting seven years for a new album.

And....

HARRY POTTER! New book and movie. So excited I can barely stand it. So sad I can barely stand it. This book is the last, meaning in essence it will all be over.

I've grown quite bored with the internet as of late. I'm not sure why I continue to sign into AIM or check my email or myspace. So don't be offended if I'm not around or respond in a timely manner.

I swear if life gives me one more lemon I'm going to make lemonade. And drink it.

I have been particularly emo since this past weekend. For good reason, though I don't feel like sharing those very personal details with the internet world just yet. When I say emo I certainly don't mean in a black wearing, wrist slicing, crappy music listening kind of way. Never fear.

I rely heavily on writing to express my emotions, as many times I am almost physically incapable of doing so vocally. Right now I can't formulate a single coherent sentence to explain what I am feeling. Perhaps there simply are no words.

I have revitalized my forgotten writing journal. Will be posting random, ranting, rambling creativeness in it.

beekerbaby if you care to add it.

Comments and feedback will be greatly appreciated.