Brittany and I did a 16 page, one night, mini-zine about 2009.
Let me know if you want one.

moving with the times
after using livejournal for the last 8 or so years i am moving. to greener, prettier, lazier pastures.

http://yoursecretary.tumblr.com

tell me yours.

I just saw the girls who live above us leave for a Halloween party and they were all wearing blatantly racist costumes.

grad school, it's my life and it's my wife.
grad school is my boyfriend.
grad school is my girlfriend.

mix cds
city living
1. shaun allen
2. megan bauman

over it
1. alana robbie
2. raechel tiffe

baconmaster
1. emily cocarell
2. nicole d.

night riding
1. brittany m
2. mandy

wrestling pictures
1. meggan kimmerle
2. carrie stefanski

librianna
1. amy kempe
2. kelley v

if you want one, let me know which.
let it be a surprise, although most of the track listings are posted somewhere

right now my ears feel so warm.
sweetness.

my loans went through and i got some of my books.
today was pretty awesome.

people keep saying, "be careful with your heart."
Meaghan and I were talking once and I said there was something I felt was right, but it wasn't the thing that, in my heart, I wanted. She said that, in essence, intellectualizing these things are all well and good, but that I would probably do the thing I wanted to do, even if it wasn't smart. A couple weeks ago I got a postcard from Ciara that said, "You only learn the things you want to learn."

There's some really great stuff in my life - awesome roommates, a great living situation, school in a month, some really supportive friends, a loving family, and just the presence to know when things are good. There have been some, dare I say, tranformative and transcendent occasions of recent. I am excited for the birth of my nephews and Kate's son. I am stoked to be training for the 5K even though I have a way to go. Kayaking is the peaceful and solitary activity for which I had been searching.

My friends are usually there to listen when I am in crisis.

Also, some of the shit from the past has been clearing itself away. Some people are just jokes. I hate how I hold onto relationships when they aren't working for me. If I have a problem with someone I try to be as honest as I can. I remember Betty saying something she appreciated about me when we met is that she heard I made fun of her hair. When she confronted me on it I said, "yes. i made fun of your hair out of a sense of jealous." Wow! Admitting when you are wrong, even if you aren't going to be rewarded, is such an experience. By rewarded I mean forgiven.

Lately I have been thinking about that summer awhile ago and how it's easy to think of the bad stuff. It is near impossible to think of the quiet moments or the victories because they make me mourn them even more. Seriously, even writing this and thinking about those nights is making me a little teary.

I always give some bullshit answer when people ask about my apathy tattoo. Not many people do though. I remember when I got it. I think I got it after my "fifty percent" so at the time I didn't have many tattoos (only 2 on that arm, including apathy) and it was my only tattoo in color. It bled ink for weeks, sticking to my sheets and reminding me of why I got it. This girl said we were so "whatever, apathetic." It wasn't apathy that sparked two years of silence. Ambivalence did it.

telling is an idea.
I joined race and religion group because a powerful ally of the group called them the "rabblerousers of the church" - the group most agitating for change at Broadway. I remember when I had to stand up in front of the congregation and name my ministry in front of my friends and family. I said my mission was to make Broadway (and in turn, myself and those I come into contact with) a more inclusive place. This was in the heyday of all the shake-up concerning racism at the church (and in the leadership). I have always been a troublemaker and hopefully, sometimes, for good.

Anna moved in and I see her going through what I went through when I first moved here. She says every 20 minutes or so how happy she is to be here, thanking us for being her roommates, and asking permission to do everything. It made me have a funny thought that this place doesn't exist, that it is just a refuge for people coming out of bad situations. It was a funny thought for one moment.

I am reading all these devastating books right now like "Stone Butch Blues" and "Cures" because I have been rubbing up against a lot of intergenerational bad feelings in "the community" esp at G-H. Even a dude at Broadway was talking about how his father, a former Missouri statesmen, refuses to allow his partner at holiday dinners. "stop trying to insinuate this person into our family," the old politician says. "what you don't understand is this is my family," the son replies. Often we are talking politics and our personal drama, who said what about whom. It's easy to get all theoritecal about marriage and our radical politics, but this guy seemed genuinely raw.

I feel doomed. i know i have been in love about a thousand times, although i have said it's been only once. I know that panicked feeling. I fell in love with this morning, waking up at dawn with a crisp breeze coming from my window and my knees up on the sill. what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck. Even at thirty, as I feel all worn down and exhausted, I go from this day to the next, savoring every last second even as it's disregarded for the next. break off those words and eat them, sour and sweet alike.

i feel like i am running to catch up with you, but you won't slow down. the only thing i can do is wait for you to come back around again.

this is all about wait and see, take things as they come, and don't talk too much or too loud. these are all things contrary to my very nature.