I want my grandma back. I want to hear her laugh and see her smile. I want to bend down to get something and have her pinch me to get me to laugh with her. I want to talk to her. I want to share my son with her. Damn this sucks.

I haven't posted here in a long time... A lot has been happening... I'm having a really hard time processing a lot of it... And I figured maybe writing out some of my emotions might help a little...

My Grandma is dying. And for most people that's a "duh" statement - we're all dying. But she's dying of stage IV lung cancer that has metastasized. Its in her bones, her lungs, her lung cavities, her scalp... Two weeks ago when the official diagnosis came in she was hopeful that treatment would have her back on her feet before the summer, and she told her oncologist that he needed to get her well fast because she had white water rafting to do this summer. (Yes, my Grandma white water rafts - that's her spirit and her youthfulness and her love, its a good representation of her for those of you who haven't met her.)

A week ago she was slated to start chemo. Insurance was moving slowly. They pushed her start date back by a week. But HooHoo remained positive and was talking about all the things she's going to do in 2011.

Monday night she was rushed to the hospital for uncontrollable pain - they put her on morphine. Yesterday they did an MRI to see if that would determine what is causing her so much discomfort. Last night when I talked to my mom they were waiting on the doctor to come in and talk to them. I didn't hear anything else last night. My plan was to go visit this morning (and then the car broke down for the second time in less than a week) - so I called my mom to see if I should let Grandma know I wouldn't be down this morning. As soon as she answered the phone I could tell she'd been crying. I asked what was going on and my mom said, "I don't have the strength to tell you right now. I just can't do it." I told her not to try at that point, and she said she was composing an e-mail to let us all know what was going on. I did ask if it was worse than anticipated and she confirmed it was. I changed the subject when I heard her voice crack and just kept telling her how much I love her.

I called the hospital to let Grandma know I wouldn't be by today because I knew she was expecting to see me. Amy answered. Her voice was soft so I could tell something was up. Grandma was just laying down for a nap and didn't feel up to talking on the phone right now. I asked Amy to let her know that my car was broken but I'd figure out a way to see her tomorrow. Amy said she'd call me and let me know what's going on.

So I'm waiting. For an e-mail, a phone call, something... I hate knowing something serious is going on and not knowing WHAT.

UPDATE: News is not good. The MRI shows that the cancer has overtaken her spine and that's why her pain has become so severe. She is terminal. At this point we're looking at getting her comfortable. Her "fight" is disappearing because of all the pain. They're trying some new things today to decrease the pain, but only time will tell. Damn.

Its a weird spot to be in... Carrying a child, the future of my family, while losing people I love so much. We lost Phil's Grandfather a few months back and now HooHoo is struggling. Its just very confusing.

I know my family. I know we'll pull through this as a team. I know we're going to be okay. We've got a lot of love and a lot to live for! But my heart aches for each and every one of us because I know Grandma's pain is eating away at us. We'll get through together! We always do.

So I haven't posted in a while around here... Sorry! :-) I'm going to try to be better about that... But really, I make no guarantees.

We found out about a month ago that we're expecting! So I'm off to being a mommy! I'm very, very excited! A little nervous. A lot nauseous. And quite anxious. But really, its an amazing feeling and we couldn't be happier. :-D Estimated due date (so far) is March 13 - which would be cool because my Great-Grandmother's birthday was March 12th and I adore her and its close to St. Patty's Day (one of my favorites) so that would also be cool. But regardless of when baby comes, we're excited!

Work starts again on Monday. I'm feeling conflicted about this. But I'll get over that.

Hope everyone is well!

Since so many things have been happening in our lives, I figured I'd jump in and do one of these things and fill everyone in on the excitement of my life....

NAME: Caitlin

AGE: 26

LOCATION: Just south of Yosemite National Park, CA

OCCUPATION: K-8 Special Education Teacher - Emotionally Disturbed

PARTNER: My amazingly loving husband, Phil

KIDS: Don't tease me... I say now, family says wait one more year, gotta see what doctor says in a few weeks...

BROTHERS/SISTERS: Amy, Nicholas, Sarah (Sister-in-Law), Brenda (Sister-in-Law) and Mike (Brother-in-Law-in-Law), Jessica, and Judd (Brother-in-Law soon, we hope!)

PARENTS: My Mom is amazing!!!

PETS: Oberon, King of Whatever He Wishes to be King Of! Titania, Queen Grumpy Butt and Occasional Pissy Missy but Pretty Mama Girl too! And Puck, Dopey Lassie-Impersonator and Alarm Clock Kitty!

LIST THE 3-5 BIGGEST THINGS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE:

1. I had gastric bypass surgery (weight loss surgery) on July 31, 2009. Since then (well, as of November 23) I am 95pounds lighter. Its been a journey and a struggle - sometimes it seems to easy and other times its been terribly trying and frustrating. We spent our first anniversary in the hospital attached to all sorts of machines - but things appear to be fixed up right finally and I'm doing well!

2. I want babies! However, I have to speak to my doctor first (see Big Thing #1) to see if I am able to begin trying to conceive. We'll wait if its medically necessary - but I've wanted babies for years and am really beginning to have a hard time being logical about the whole thing.

3. My family is the most amazing group of people I have ever met! Despite all our ups and downs, we stick together and support one another like you wouldn't believe. A lot of shit has happened to many of us in the last 12-15months - but we keep on fighting and leaning on each other and we're getting through it all!

4. My holiday shopping will be finished as of tomorrow! Probably there will be a few small things left to pick up after tomorrow, but for the first time in my LIFE the shopping will be done more than 2days in advance (my previous record). I'm finally getting a grasp on this "being an adult" thing - sometimes it isn't so bad. :-D

WHO ARE SOME OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS?
Phil, Amy, Nicholas, Jessica, Sarah, Brenda, Danielle, Josh

I am feeling ahead of the game (or at least, ahead of the usual Caitlin-at-the-holidays game) for the first time this year... Shopping is done for my Mother in Law, Sister in Law, co-workers (times 4), my Mom, and my Husband (Christmas AND birthday!!!). Ideas are set for ALL grandparents (with probable inclusion of parents and aunts and uncles) and Father in Law (must let MiL buy first part of it before we go further on that one). Left to drum up ideas for are nieces, nephews, and children of cousins (ages 2months - boy, 3 - boy and girl, 4 - boy and girl, 5 - girl, 6 - boy, and 12 - boy --- ANY IDEAS?!?!?!) and my Brother in Law - will also need presents for two of my siblings once we draw names, but I don't know which siblings Phil and I have this year... Strange as it is, the kids are who I'm most concerned with at this point in time... Usually I have great ideas for each of them by the time it comes to shop for them, but this year I'm just feeling stuck on what would be a great gift to suit them each - and I am the super auntie so they've gotta be good!

I tried to convince Phil that we should buy some ornaments while the pickings are good, but he's of the mentality that we need to wait until after Thanksgiving... So I'll just go shopping that weekend! :-D

How's everyone else doing this year?

My family is amazing! We're having a Halloween party right now... Complete with jack o'lantern carving and cookie decorating... The kids are wild (and I'm only partially talking about the under 12 crowd). Its a hit! I'll update more when the party concludes. Too fun!

So I love my nieces and nephews to pieces... I am often terribly amused by them but don't brag about them here as often as I probably should... So I am going to take a moment. :-D

Schuyler:
- Will start the 7th grade this year.
- Has played, and excelled at, All-Stars for every sport that he plays (soccer, football, and baseball for sure).
- Text messages his auntie with silly pre-teen forwards that he's sending off to all his cell-phone carrying buddies as well.
- Still jumps up on me with his legs wrapped around my waist whenever he sees me, even if his friends are all standing right there.
- Is totally gorgeous!

Riley:
- Is the sassiest little thing ever!
- Loves to play pretend and get out of trouble by blaming things on the "baby sisters" (10-12 imaginary sisters she has - yes they have names!).
- Broke her arm this summer when her friend (a BOY!) fell onto her forearm. Originally she picked a pink cast for this break... But for the second cast she showed up with a bright orange cast on because "Its for Aunt Kiki" - what a way to make an auntie feel loved!
- Likes to have her fingers and toes "rockstar"ed at the nail salon.
- Will start kindergarten this year!

Ruth:
- Has the sweetest lisp when she talks.
- Will wrestle anyone and anything, despite being the tiniest three year old I know.
- Tells stories and has ideas that are just wonderful!
- Wants to be in pageants and even has the walk and pose down. :-D
- Tells me that orange can't be my favorite color because "pink is for girls and blue is for boys and that's all".

Alden:
- Is definitely the most sensitive boy we've got!
- Is very protective of his sister, unless he's the one holding her down.
- Loves to play and laugh.
- Spells his name "A...Alden!"

I love these kiddos! :-D

I love storms! Rain so heavy that it drowns out all other sound in the room. Lightening that cracks across the room. And thunder that shakes the house. Awesome!

I need to live somewhere where this is common-place and not such a rare occurrence. Any suggestions? And tornado/hurricane prone suggestions will automatically be denied. :-D