It's been forever since I posted here. My life is so different now. It's amazing what a few years can do. Bill is no longer at the APD. I might be on my way out. Stupid knee injury.

I have surgery next week. I'm freaking out about it. I'm terrified they'll knock me out and I won't wake up. Strange feeling, considering not that long ago I held death in my hand refusing to let go. Back then it was some kind of back up plan; a release just in case I needed it. Now it terrifies me. A better problem? Yeah, I think so.

My life has taken many turns these last few years. Met a number of people on-line who I would consider friends even though I have never actually met them. There are some wonderful people in this world!

I traveled to Germany in December and taught a negotiations class to a group of Chinese business people. It was amazing! I'll be heading to New York in March to do the same training with American business people. I'm hearing that the company who hired us might want us to go to Africa to the same training there. How freaking awesome would that be??? Unbelievable.

My knee injury has me sitting back wondering if I might get retired on disability before this year is over. Not what I want, but I might not have a choice. I believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason. So, I'll sit back and let the Universe do its job.

Maybe I'll post here more often now. I don't really think anyone actually reads it. Who knows? I'm not entertaining but this is a nice way to vent and feel like I'm being heard even if no one is listening!! LOL!!

OKAY. For starters, this was a seriously loaded episode, and extremely complex with its layers. It's taken me two days to get a grasp on this so I could even comment. I hope I'm not too late in the game! And I hope this isn’t mumbled and/or confusing!

I believe Gillian was a fan of Cal’s work-just as she said in the first flashback. I think she had read whatever books she had by him. I also think she had all ready started her own work on deception (ie: distancing language etc.). Which is probably why she was reading Lightman’s work to start with. I believe Gillian was approached by Cal later-after the dust settled-about being his partner. He felt a bond with her. He felt understood by her. I think he knew she was somehow protecting his family-he just didn’t know how much.

Cal was sent to therapy as a means of discrediting him so no one would believe him if he tried to blow the whistle. To insure that, Gillian was approached in the middle of the night by Finch and told to get Cal to drop it or Doyle wouldn’t be the only one to lose a wife and daughter. In the first therapy session, she gets a severe reaction from Cal when she mentions his family. “Off limits.” She can see how protective he is over them and he sees her reaction to that which causes him to think that someone has threatened them. I might even go so far as to say Gillian showed him ‘tells’ when she spoke about his family that she knew he would pick up on. (She says in the present time about her office back then “it was the Pentagon. Of course I thought it could be bugged.” She knew she needed to communicate with him other than verbally.) Cal asked her if someone had threatened them and she didn’t answer him. He pointed at her face and said “I can see it in your eyes. But you can’t tell me, can you?” He then said he ‘gets it’ and leaves her office.

On the last flashback we see, she says patient instead of client-he picks up on that. I think he came to her that last time to see if she would tell him who was threatening his family. She tells him he can’t see a lie because there isn’t one there. She can say that because she doesn’t really know who made the threat. She doesn’t know Finch, by name or any other way. She doesn’t definitively acknowledge the threat because she realizes he won’t let it go if he thinks there is one-he’d be determined to get to the bottom of it. (This is backed up by what Gillian says to Loker. “Cal does the things he does now because he didn’t take care of that back then” (or something like that…)) She then stresses “collateral damage” to Cal. He asks about it and she ends up saying “it would be irresponsible not to talk about Emily.” HE GETS IT.

Outside the cube before they go in to talk to Doyle, Cal tells Gillian if she has hidden anything from him he forgives her. He talks about the cover-up and not believing she was capable of that. I’M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING THAT TRANSPIRED IN THE CUBE WHEN HE WAS WATCHING/READING GILLIAN.

At the end of the episode Cal says “So, are you ever going to tell me?” That tells me he has known there was something she wasn’t saying, but he could never read it. When she tells him, she feels bad for a few reasons: 1) She kept it from him. Lying by omission essentially. 2) She blames herself for a lot of his actions that she feels he does to ‘make up for’ that cover up years ago.
I think the issue now is more that Cal will see Gillian in a different light. He has always seen her as this innocent person who is righteous. He had placed her on a pedestal. The realization of the fact that she is not as readable and predictable as he thought will weigh heavy on him. I don’t think he will trust her any less. He understands that she has held on to this for all this time to protect him and Emily. He might even see her has stronger than he ever thought. I hope.

Whew… So, thoughts anyone???

I got an email this week that went to "Police Staff." It was about this year's valor awards. The first bunch of officers on the list were the ones from Waple Lane. That was my barricade incident last January. The one where the guy blew out his chest cavity after I talked to him for 10 hours.

I know the officers did a good job of rescuing my guys little girl from the front porch. I can appreciate that. He had all ready shot someone else, so she was in need of rescuing. I am proud that the officers were able to be there and get her to safety.

So. Why am I so irritated about them getting valor awards?? They deserve it. They did an awesome job. They saved a little girl's life. I am being such a bitch.

It is just so hard still to hear positive things being said about that incident. I'm still hearing good things about my negotiation. It's used as an example of what to do right. I guess I still can't get past the fact that the guy is dead. As much as I know it was successful because the only loss of human life was the guy's. And he took it himself. It still hurts sometimes. It doesn't help that this recent incident also involved the barricaded guy killing himself... Will I ever think about that incident without feeling a knot in my stomach? Without second guessing everything I did? Without feeling guilty about getting off the phone for my mandatory break only to have him kill himself less than ten minutes later???

Friday we had a call out for a barricade. I had to go in from home so I was one of the last ones there. Hazard of living an hour outside your jurisdiction. Anyway, it was good I was there so late. Primary and Coach had all ready been decided. I ended up being the NOC supervisor. That was also good. I couldn't hear the bad guy's side of things so I stayed pretty detached and neutral.

After six hours, he wasn't coming out. He was being manipulative and obnoxious. They decided to gas him. 20 canisters of gas and two robots breaking through his barricaded door later, they found him on the floor in a puddle of blood. I felt really bad for the primary negotiator. It was just over a year ago that I was in that position. After 10 hours, my guy blew out his chest cavity.

I walked her outside and said all the right things, but ultimately, she is the one who will heal herself. And it will take time. Took me 9 months to be able to listen to my negotiation. I need to listen again... someday I will, when I'm sure I can have an objective ear!

The weirdest thing about this latest suicide was that it was in a complex that was managed by the same people who managed the complex where my guy killed himself. When we took over the clubhouse as our home base for the NOC, I noticed the exact layout and the same spiral staircase. Deja Vu. And not really in a good way.

Angie Harmon's new show is set to premiere on TNT on July 12!!
So the countdown begins!
Yay!

35 years ago today. My grandmother died. It is amazing to me how that many years later I can still feel upset at the loss. She was such an important person to me. I can still sit and wonder how different my life would have been if the Cancer hadn't taken her so young.

I am 42. She was 46 when she died. So young... It seems even more tragic to me now.

**Possible Spoilers for The Practice S3 Ep19**


Since becoming obsessed with Lie to Me, I was led to discover the show The Practice. Both star Kelli Williams, who I adore, but had never heard of until she appeared on Lie to Me.

Lie to Me has been on hiatus (KILLING ME!) so I have been watching all the episodes of The Practice. I had never watched it before because it was a show centered around defense lawyers. Being that I arrest the bad guys, I never had much use for shows like that. I am, however, truly enjoying it.

This morning I watched Season 3 Episode 19 Closet Justice. It was awesome! At one point, Helen is sending her law clerks to find anything that may help with her case against the nun killer (Kingston). She specifically tells them to pull the Virginia case that threw out Miranda. I knew what she was talking about! I was there on that case. I helped with interviewing witnesses and canvassing area businesses. It was a Bank Robbery, the guy was tracked down because someone saw the suspect vehicle and got the tag. The case was followed up by the Robbery guys so I wasn't involved in the heated issue of the Miranda warnings. The suspect appealed his guilty verdict to the State Supreme Court and it was upheld. That result was known before the taping of the show. The US Supreme Court overturned the decision in 2000. Here is the web address if you want more details: http://archives.cnn.com/2000/LAW/06/26/miranda.01/ The overturned decision would not have helped Helen!

Anyway, I was fascinated that I knew the case. And then confused because I knew it had been overturned. But, the show is old! It was taped before the final ruling by the Supreme Court.

I had my own little brush with Miranda issues a few years ago. The conviction held through all appeals and was overturned at the State Supreme Court level. Bummer, especially since it set a rapist free. My CA still insists it was a good confession and that he hadn't invoked his right to counsel. I think I'll agree. It makes me able to sleep at night... Ah, gray areas. Gotta hate 'em. Especially when the outcome of their study doesn't go in your favor.

This Christmas was sooooo much better than last year. Granny was in much better spirits. No giving her belongings away or talking about dying. It was all laughs and jokes in this visit. Family Christmas party was cancelled because of the blizzard we had. YAY!!! The stars aligned for me!

Billy and I are getting along famously! I almost don't want to admit that. Seems when I speak of it, it screws up. Sex has become an awesome thing again. Never thought I would say that!! I look forward to it as opposed to faking sleep to avoid it. Too much information sharing huh? Sorry.

Mental health is pretty stable at the moment. Thank God for small favors! It feels good to feel somewhat normal. Funny how I have a lot more to say when things are going shitty...

Well, off to finish a case supplement (blah) and then hopefully to watch some Lie to Me! Got the season 1 DVD to keep me happy until we get some new eps.

So. Nightmares are back. This sucks. I'm stuck, I can't move, I try to scream and nothing comes out. Same old, same old. Hadn't happened in a while. Kinda hoped that was all behind me.

She says it's because I identify my strength as the "bitch" part of me. When I was growing up, being strong was not a good thing. It was severely frowned upon. Strength equaled trouble. Trouble equaled abuse. Vicious crap. It was acceptable to be weak. To be controlled.

Bitch is a negative term. That's why I have always called the strong part of me "the bitch." I'm needing to shed the negatives associated with being strong. New name needed. She suggested Warrior. Not bad, maybe a little cliche. Much better than "survivor" (a word I hate). Survivor announces to the world that you are/were a victim. I've heard people say they prefer thriving to surviving. Whatever. Thrive, survive. I need more. I want to fight, so maybe warrior fits.

Interesting field of work I chose. Men who are assertive are considered strong and tough. Women who are assertive are called bitches. Why do some people have problems with a strong woman?

I'm getting the silent treatment. It sucks. Last thing I heard was "fuck you" then click-he hung up. That was Monday night.

On another note, still depressing but maybe a little more distant... I listened to 8 of my 10 hours of negotiations from January. I hate hearing myself recorded. But it was weird because the whole time I was listening, I was very detached. Almost like it wasn't me I was hearing. Maybe I needed to do that to keep from freaking out! Anyway...nothing so horrible that I repulsed myself. A few different times where I screamed "what did I say that for?"

Interesting that at the beginning I told him the burden of him coming out rested on me. What the hell??? Totally did not remember that. I can't believe I said it. I'm being told that was one of several things I said that kept him alive as long as I was on the line with him. I talked to the negotiator that relieved me. It seems that JD wouldn't engage at all with him. He said JD would only say yes or no. There was no statement or warning when he fired the gun. No last words like "I can't do this anymore" or "give a message to so and so" or "I'm finished"...nothing. They were on the phone less than 10 minutes.

I'm going to have to listen again at some point so I can be a little less emotional and actually critique myself. But I'm in no rush to go through it again! It took me nine months to be able to listen at all. I'm not a complete glutton for punishment.

So, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Not looking forward to it at all. Maybe if the silent treatment could be done I wouldn't mind so much. Hm.