Almost two years without ranting and raving about Team Sky in this blog? Tsk tsk tsk, Fangirl, but she suffers new strain of fannishness that has made her wander from whole-hearted clinical fangirling over cycling so this is more or less just an archive of her mad, mangled musings.

Sweary Ser Bradley Wiggins the Twig, bannerman of Lord David Brailsford of Sky, summons the power of R'hllor R'ouleur, Lord of the Road, on his journey to jersey success in "The Game of Maillots."

Online Photo Editor

It is feasible that due to some vocabulary choices that Bradley Wiggins is the most divisive Tour de France figure in Cycledom since His Lancejesty, but systematic and scientific studies need to be conducted to verify the validity of this emerging theory. Since the inception of this blog--which was many, many, many moons ago--well, I have approached His Wiggoness with snarkiness, especially since Sky acquired this [alleged] Eighth Wonder of Modern Cycling; I will continue to snark about said rider but with the utmost moderation because we will all be subjected to Wiggo Overkill as success stalks him to the Olympics. The English-based Media will not rest--or even relax--its hype go His Wiggoness, um, so what? So it is time for less "negative" snark for Wiggo, especially on Twitter, so enjoy what happens when I have fun with what happens when my wit-challenged wit re-imagines England amidst the fannish frenzy of life in Wiggo Wonderland.

The term "Jolly Old Wigland" is incorrectly applied to Great Britain, er, Great Bradtain which is the union of three countries--Wigland, Wheels, and Suttonland--celebrating the success of Wigland conquering its traditional enemy, the Tour de France, by renaming much of their countries in honor of this feat.

Credit: Brains that ought to be devoured by Zombie Maurice Garin for the most minute of inaccuracies that mar the traditional and respectable art of mapmaking.

J K Rowling--who's that? What, a famous author? Sorry, never heard of her. We're we reading? Why, J K Rouleur's saga! Nothing's more exciting than scientific cycling wizards fighting the EBIL Vino de Mort. Here're the awesome titles:

Twadley Twiggins and the Soigneur's Stone
Twadley Twiggins and the Chainring of Secrets
Twadley Twiggins and the Chamber of Altitude
Twadley Twiggins and the Bidon of Fire
Twadley Twiggins and the Ordeal on the Angliru
Twadley Twiggins and the Blood Bag Prince
Twadley Twiggins and the Deathly Sprint Train

Fangirl and Logic return to discuss cycling developments before brain percolation moderates my perceptions from forum fodder.

Logic:Alas, Dear Readership, yet again we two have hijacked this web log--

Fangirl: --like, y'know, Wiggo's totally hijacked all the Tour's plot developments--

Logic:--causing commentators to forget the Grand Tour Wars: Menchov Menace--

Fangirl:--and that Jelle Fellow with like the weird hairline--

Logic:--so here here we are to present our perspectives without undue moderation from your friendly neighbor editress--

Fangirl:--who totally won't reveal how like devastated she totally is about Pippo's, er, problems--but he's still posting Nekkid Pippo Pics.

( Fangirl Logic: Fear and Loathing in Los Wiggos...Grand Tour Wars: The Return of Contadorus Rex!Collapse )

Tour Stage 2: Visé - Tournai *Le dramatic woebegone sigh* Manx Mouth won. Yet again. His 21st stage. Oh, woe for the other riders! Except Slovakian Unibrow, having lost his Tour virginity--plus some. And Swiss Spartacus--Sans Scruff!?--clad in his jaune jersey. Oh, and of course Michael Mørkøv in his polka dots. Heck, even Uncle Bjarne is not so taken to his bed, especially with that Tinkoff Toy sponsor. Well, it appears there are too many exceptions to this alleged tale of woe for all but none. So, um, what else can be said? Hey, lookee, BabyGil rides, er, appears again!

Tour Stage 3, Part A: Orchies - Boulogne-sur-Mer Today many Convicts of the Roads were broken by the back-breaking labor of pedaling onto the roads of France where they were victimized in valpartij. Kanstantsin Siutsou broke his left leg, imperiling the plot to put Wiggo Wonder on the Tour Throne. JJ "Redhot" Rojas cannot pursue his Maillot Vert dreams as he abandoned with cracked collar bone woes. Maarten "Jingly" Tjallingii did not finish with fractured hip, perhaps the worst of the injuries endangering Olympic prospects and breakaway dreams. All these crashes created time gaps that may not allow the Argyle Armada to win the Yellow Helmet of Teamwork (TM) Team Classification with Tommy D in la-la-limboland. The only logical first step to resolve this "crash-a-palooza" is to appoint The Fucking Amazing Jens as Safety Tsar of the Peloton.

Tour Stage 3, Part B: Orchies - Boulogne-sur-Mer There was another tale to tell of today, one that is not so depressing--believe it or not; it is the tale of Chicken Dancer, Run Forrest Run, Slovakian Unibrow, Velvet Samurai--the one and only win-a-holic Peter Sagan of the Maillot Vert. His Victory Salute(s) amuse and annoy riders and/or spectators, with many of the annoyed riders (re: Robbie "Headbutt" Hunter) tweeting their, er, annoyance. Meanwhile, on the fan forums side, some are annoyed with the winningness of P-Sagan reminding them of another winning rider from the Manxland....

Giro Donne Donne Donne As easily predicted, Maid Marianne stole the Maglia Rosa from Evelyn Stevens by winning another stage; today she took the Stage 5 off so Tiffany Cromwell of the lone breakaway won by 08:33 over the competition.

Consolation Tour of Austria The EBIL Danilo "Killer" Di Luca is leading this race which reminds me to reveal (again) my forever lingering fannish resentment at this doping fiend who challenged Mute Menchov for the 2009 Giro d'Italia.

We of the Useless Information have again requested that the UCI provide Tour de France rider data regarding rooming assignments. As the UCI has failed--yet again!--to supply the pertinent information itself, it has been determined that we must assume responsibility for the investigation on this matter of important universally uselessly useless information. In the event you, Dear Readership, acquire any data on who rooms alone of together, we would appreciate your participation in our information accumulation for future cycling trivia enthusiasts; please do include some Internet source if possible other than hearsay. Thank you!

Roommate Assignments Identified by and for the Useless Information Bureau

Ivan "IB" Basso & Sylvester "Vowels" Szmyd - Via @giggling_marlin.
Fabian "Swiss Spartacus Rex" Cancellara & Haimar "Invisible" Zubeldia - Via Twitter.
Mark "Manx Mouth" Cavendish & Bernhard "Bernie" Eisel - This fact is universally acknowledged.
Sylvain "Momo" Chavanel & Jérôme "Jaja" Pineau‎ - Via Francetv.fr.
Thomas "Tommy D" Danielson & Daniel "Dan" Martin - Irishtimes.com.
Remy Di Gregorio & Samuel "L'il Sammy" Dumolin - Lyonmag.com.
Nicolas Edet & Jan Ghyselinck - Via Twitter.
Tony Gallopin & Andreas "Klödi" Klöden - Via Twitter.
Patrick Gretch & Marcel "Skittles" Kittel - Via Twitter.
Adam Hansen & Greg Henderson - Via Odt.co.nz.
George "Big George" Hincapie & Tejay "TJ" Van Garderen - Via News.theage.com.au.
Christopher "Redneck Chris" Horner & Yaroslav "Popo" Popovych - Via @hockeyvaughnfan.
Robert "Robbie" Hunter & David "Dave" Zabriskie - Via Helivac.wordpress.com.
Anders Lund & Chris Anker "Anchorman" Sørensen - Via @Jenscer.
Luis-Angel Mate & David "Claustrophbic Climber" Moncoutié - Via Rmcsport.fr.
Maxime Monfort & Fränk "Frändy" Schleck - Via Twitpic of Skins Presents.
Michael Mørkøv & Nicki Sørensen - Via @Jenscer.
Cedric Pineau & Thibaut Pinot - Via @mmmaiko.
Nicolas "Nico" Roche - Via Independent.ie.
Jürgen Roelandts & Jelle "Jello" Vanendert - Via Nieuwsblad.be.
Jens Voigt - Via Bicycling.com.

This post is subjected to editing as data is provided until the Tour de France arrives in Paris, including assignment switches due to riders discontinued or disqualified. The last update was on 07 July 2011.

I thank all the deities available that [alleged] Mayan Doomsday did not occur 28 June 2012 so I may enjoy another Tour de France with all its assorted amusements and annoyances for twentysomething days that induce me with the uncontrollable, unstoppable urge to blog my very important yet pompous opinions about this and that, that and this because what you need is yet more commentary on the comings, doings, and goings of Peyton Peloton Place in what is billed as "Cuddles Versus Wiggo."

Tour Prelude: Liège *Le dramatic sigh* Alas, All Tour's Eve has passed without any "Cinderfellas" (re: Jakob "Birdsong Boy" Fuglsang) receiving reverse invitations, thus depriving us of even more drama at the Team Kit Fashion show. This modeling affair was without significant spectacle, save Marcel "Skittles" Kittel showcasing his chopper-esque steed onstage onstage; this dull deluge was only saved from being boring thanks to the snarkbots I befriend--and befiend?--in Twitterville.

Tour Prologue: Liège – Liège The Cycling Media-at-Large headlined the incorrect occurrences. They obsessed over the following: Spartacus Rex set another record by winning his fifth first day Tour stage; Tony "Pretty" Panzerwagen experienced mechanical issues that deprived him of 20 or more seconds that may or may not have had him defeat the Swiss Bear Locomotive; and whatever "it" is about Twadley Twiggins that enthralls them about them was not present. What these "experts" ought to have focused on were how sexy Sylvain "Momo Chava" Chavanel was clad in his French skinsuit; but what they really ought to have highlighted was the returned cycling mojo of Mute "Denis" Menchov but, of course, he remains hidden like because this Tour saga is entitled Tour Wars: The Menchov Menace.

Tour Stage 01: Liège – Seraing I shall exercise mercy by not digressing into complaints about the English feed I endured this morning so whatever shall I complain about then if not the overcommercialization of said broadcast? Okay, I know, I digress. Again. So, anyway, we await the fates of valpartij victims Tony Panzerwagen and Don Lulu Sánchez with sadness. *Muffles sob* Okay, as happy as Fangirl and I are that Swiss Spartacus retains yellow bling and Peter "Unibrower" Sagan lost his Tour and Tour Stage Win virginities, well, what could make (and perhaps Logic) even happier? BabyGil pictures! Yes, the Little Gilbert has had Happier Moments on the bicycle--believe it or not!--but we enjoy Angsty BabyGil with our collective EBIL sense of humor. Also, PapaGil has had his cycling mojo return so, well, McCoys and Hatfields Walloons and Flemings are reunited again in anticipation of his next win--finally!

Giro Donne Donne Donne What, you think I would ignore this most prestigious race too? Sacre bleu! Maid Marianne the Marauder had her bike stolen--as though that would steal her morale!--and rampaged to victory on the first two stages. Alas--woe is she?--for her breakaway companion Evelyn "Evie" Stevens stole the race away today--U-S-A!!! Oops, I let my patriotism slip there, no? Anyway, beware Evie for Angsty Maid Marianne is going to rob the Maglia Hood Rosa from you although there is no way to steal her chronic happiness.

Consolation Tour of Austria, Stage 1 It is "Bazzana Bonanza!" as someone named Team Type 1 rider Alessandro Bazzana won ahead of countrymen Francesco Gavazzi and Marco Canola.

My absence has been much too prolonged but I return to the Wonderful World of Blogging (TM) with the complete lyrics to the Cycling Carol "Riding in a Wiggo Wonderland" (dedicated to Wiggo idolizer Dan K in Twitterville) to celebrate the terror that will be if His Twiggyness wins the Tour and the Olympics Road Race so we ask the question "Who's that bloke/dude Cavendish?"

Riding in a Wiggo Wonderland

Car horns honk, so start watching--
Down the road he's time trialing.
Aerodynamite--
He'll wear yellow tonight
Riding in a Wiggo Wonderland!

Lost time have the Schleck boys,
Denied LCL toys.
Menchov's crashed again
So he's not gonna win
Riding in a Wiggo Wonderland!

Along the road we'll see Devil Didi
And dudes clad in Borat's mankini.


They'll scream: Where's our Vino?
He'll yell: Seven minutes back,
With Wilco and Rabo--
Now, I've gotta attack!

Later on, in the highest Alps,
Purito will need lots of help
From Samu and the Carrots
If he's not gonna get gapped
Riding in a Wiggo Wonderland.

At the rest day party in Pau, Garmin
Plan to poison Bradley with Chipotle
But they'll all get burrito gas instead
And ride backwards on way up Tourmalet.

Spartacus will cry, then whine
With Cuddles when they lose time
In Chartres to skinny Sky guy
Who once upon time couldn't climb
But they're riding in THE Wiggo Wonderland!

Today once contracted Leopard Gianni Meersman (GM) won uphill in Paris-Nice (PN) but the more noteworthy win was from Greenedge (GE) losing its win-virginity claiming its first European win at the Tirreno-Adriatico (TA) team time trial (TTT) with Mattie Goss (MG). Say, just what justification have I in claiming that GM at PN is less significant than MG and GE at TA in the TTT? Well, it is the T&A from TA because TTTs provide much A from T&A which inspired me to post some T of GE member Stuart O'Grady and his ex-roommate/teammates Fabian Cancellara --who believes the Foot [Clan] Soldiers of Shredder are after him!-- which is very much inspired by their TA Reunion (Via @mmmaiko). Now do enjoy the picspam in very, very vapid post.

2009 Tour de France, Stage 9: Stuey and Spartacus protected Little Schlecklet from wind shear in his quest for second place.

Credit: Sirotti.

2010 Tour de France: When that Fabian feller in yeller, well, it means Fabian in yellow seeking to blind viewers with his bling bling.

Credit: AP: Associated Press

2011 Tour of Oman: Where will the treasure map route research lead them on their quest for desert victory? Alas, no, but it produced plenty of open-shirted pictures.

Credit: Stephen Farrand/Cyclingnews.

2011 Tour de France, Stage 14: Freckles and tanlines were exposed much to the delight of fangirls who are "turned on" by dark compression socks..

Credit: ????? via Twisted Spoke.

2011 Vuelta Team Presentation: Pray tell, are those matching watches to commemorate their many, many years (in cycling time) as roommates and teammates?

Credit: P Hamilton/PezCycling.

Bergen Studios have amazed and wowed audiences at past Kassei Film Festival with The Cobblestone Princess, The Ex-Teammates, and Cobble Crunch, and they astonish again with this performance enhanced extravaganza of supreme cobbled carnage in Transformers featuring the Cobblelyptic battle between Slipstreamers and Omegatrons as young racer Septimus Prime (Sep Vanmarcke) leads the battle against Boonencrusher (Tom Boonen).

Credit: This image was "cobbled" together on Faux Photoshop (TM) from this and that image captured by Screnekap Magick (TM) on orders from my very, very overactive imagination that may generate more Cobbles-tastic movie titles this Spring.

The first nomination for 2012 Best Color Coordinated [Male] Podium of Three Different Teams belongs to Omloop Het Nieuwsblad featuring: Septimus Prime, Garmin-Jack Bauercuda; Tommeke Jones, Omegastep; and Don Juan Antonio, Team Cav Versus Wiggo.

Credit: Julien Warnand/Corbis.

Since I, your totally (un)trusty source of cycling developments like ever, last posted there have been so many, many emerging and diverging plotlines. These events cannot be summarized without alcohol to make them semi-coherent so, um, whatever shall I do? Hmm, well, I will attempt, with the aid of the drug caffeine, to present my (un)biased opinions about the latest happenings on "Peloton Place" with some crispy preciseness; however, I cannot promise that there will be any "sense" to any internal arguments I have with Fangirl and Logic without linking to any evidence.

Aigle Eden: Where does one begin in the neverending saga of UCI intrigue? You begin with Chapter One: "Darth McQuaid's Plot to Build the GCP Death Star That Will Blowup Any and All Cycling Traditions." Yeah, that's right: the Irishman puts the "dick" in "dicktator", no? Methinks the UCI's using it's allotted drug test on their peeps who speak publicly rather than the riders; they've gotta know not only if anyone's on "something" but if they've got foot-in-the-mouth and head-up-the-ass disease(s). Making money for GCP by starting new World Tour races in far-fetched locales from Pyongyang and Pitcairn is always going to trump preserving endangered races from going extinct where there's personal money stakes involved--awrgh!

Bye-Bye van den Braids: Whatever shall become of cyclocross without Daphny van den Brand and her distinctive braids? We don't know. We don't want to know. But it's not to be. We must face the future without jokes about champion zombie Daphny van den Brains devouring Marianne the Cannibal at races. Wah!

Desert Desserts: Tommeke Jones won his billionth stage at the Tour of Qatar so the ASO sheiks are debating about renaming the race the Boner Boonen Tour of Qatommeke/Tommekatar but they might wait until Tornado's won his fifth overall title. Tom's teammate, Velits Twin Peter, went on to win Oman ahead of Nibbles and L'il Galloping Gallopin. Other major stage winners in the sandy lands include: New Savior of French Cycling (TM) Arnaud Demare; Lotto Hulk; World Champion Manx Mouth; Peter Sagaman; Skittles kittel; and team time trial loving glee club Garmin-Barracuda.

Donkey Kong: Manx Mouth Mark won the cutesy-wutesy plushie donkey from Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne which he couldn't have done without genius Jeeves, er, Bodyguard Bernie.

Edgy and Green: It's no more Garmin and HTC wars for the women since those teams went buh-bye so it's Greenedge versus Lululemon. Well, that is until Maid Marianne gets her road legs back to make Rabobank numero uno but that's not for some weeks so--so what? It'll be ex-teammates racing against each other--always fun fodder for cycling conspiracies! Look at that podium at Oomloop with Greenie Loes Gunnewijk ahead of two Lulus. Don't forget New Zealand where Judith Arndt can and will win, win, win stages while overall winner Evelyn Stevens aren't. Really, we're not very interested in male Greenies and their techy bus, m'kay? Onward to more races...unless paternal Darth Pat the Dicktator screws 'em all over again.

The Incredible Edible Mystery Meat Tour of 2010: After more delays than Lindsay Lohan's comeback the Sport Court verdict survey says "[n]obody cares anymore!" about Le Tour 2010. Well, not really; nobody remembers what it's all about, right? It's turned into some cycling family feud between UCI and Uncle Bjarne and Saxo Bank, even though the latter are getting all/most/some/no credit for delivering Andy Schlecklet atop the podium even if it's 17 months after the race finished because that's speedy justice in the digital world. Now the Danish Crotch Eagles are being threatened with punishment 'cause doughnut-loving, ex-winner Contadorus Rex rode for them so UCI's thinking of revoking their license to ride; and, alas, if that happens it could result in Saxo Bank-Christina Watches megamerger which'll see the Emaciated Chickenman at the 2012 Tour--huzzah!

Langkawi Land: It's easy to forget cycling's popularity in Malaysia; yeah, it's mostly of the track sort but whatevers. Since Captain America and teammates seem to be getting "food poisoning", Andrea Guardini was winning sprint stages like nobody's business, whatever that means. On hillier days it turned into climbing duels between José Rujano, self-proclaimed Third Best Climber in the World (TM), versus José Serpa, proud wearer of the Serpastache; it ended up with the Serpastache besting wee l'il Rujano by 30 seconds--eek! Also, Vino4Ever was there, in case you were unawares, plotting to become President of the Peloton.

Omloopah Omloopah: Besides at the addition of Kiwi Jack Bauer, Garmin's upgraded its feistiness with Barracuda as its second name so beware of its bite. And riders learned this first hand at the dude version of Omloop Hetwhatchamallit Newsbladder--really! Thanks to attacking young'un Septimus Prime (né Sep Vanmarcke) they won the race ahead of Tommeke and Don Juan Antonio, who never is gonna win the sprint, eh? This here podium has the honor of being the best coordinated of the Big Name Races with the blues and black shorts. Also worth noting is Hairmorph Heinrich Haussler's back again like Slim Shady to take on the world at Milano-Sanremo.

Paris-Not-So-Nice: Yeah, there's need to moderate snark, especially with Radioleopard, so it does't get annoying but sometimes it can't be helped to go overboard when they're being promoted as like, say, "bestest most winningest team in human history." What's most annoying is the hyperbole, year after year, of the Schleck tandem improving their time trialling by more nth degrees then anyone else ever has. No, they're not the worstest time trialers, but they're not going from finishing middle of the road to finishing minutes ahead of Pretty Panzerwagen so quit hyperventilating about imaginary improvements, okay? Anyway, methinks Fränkie's going to improve from any tweaks since happy-go-lucky Andy's still seated like Lurch on the TT bike.

Red Shorts' Fashionista File: BMC and its subsidiaries haven't released the whys about why The Incredulously Incredible Award Winning (TM) Philippe Gilbert switched from red to black shorts for the Belgian Tricolore but it's made shitloads on pro-black shorts fashionistas happy.

White Roads: Not Euphemism for Cocaine Lines Yes, we all squeed when Swiss Spartacus won Strade Bianche via his "ride-it-like-you-stole-it" tactic that gets some space between him and the fuzz, er, peloton. As of today, yes, we are still squeeing. What about tomorrow? We'll still be proof to the bad, bad stereotypes about fangirl spinsters being highly excitable over the backsides of their favoritest dude riders. We don't care where anyone else finished because, well, our other cycling paramour didn't finish since he's doing race rehab, no? Forza Fabs!

Oh, dear Bloggie-Woggie, how I have neglected you! Now now, don't cry, dear fellow fangirl. I know you probably believe I gave you up for Lent but I wouldn't ever--NEVER!--dare do that because you'd stalk me or something otherwise. Yes, sob as much as you need you drama beeyotch to but I have something that'll make it all better. No, it's not one of them magical pills the CIA's testing; it's something better. Way, way better. What is it? Well, you're always whining about the lack of Bernie [Eisel] picspam with him in civilian/street clothes cause y'know he's so like going nekkid indoors y'know--yes, I know, I remembered which I can't but do when you yap about it every hour you lunatic spinster; so, anyway, here's the bestest Bernie as cycling civilian I've found yet. Enjoy!

Is Bernie posing beside the Berniemobile that rescues Cav from making interview faux pas?

Credit: ????? via Autohaus-niederscheider.at

Swiss Spartacus attended the IWC Top Gun Gala Event at the High Jewellery with Two Ls Fair in attire not sponsored by Radioshack sweater vests.

Credit: Getty Images.

--In the Land Down Under at The Tour Down Under he--Der Jens!--is racing against Stuey which is one of the most upsetting plotlines on "Peloton Place" for me.

--The Incredible Edible Mystery Meat Tour of 2010 remains unsolved even after Sport Court consulted Mystery Inc; however, the well-reknowned detective service was able to determine that Darth Pat McQuaid does not wear any masks.

--Omegastep had the bestest team launch ever!

--Cycling Quotient does not award points for Santos Women's Cup? Unfair!

--It is Jersey Fashion Crises when the Inner Ring author recognizes its existence that may or may not involve the obfuscation of UCI Fashion Police.

--Who are the best cycling boy band trio: Eddy, Swifty, and G or Ossman, Peter S, and Elia?

--Ex-member of Leopard-Scarf Simon Clarke, now of UNISA/Champion Systems, won on awesome longwinded breakaway charge...with Radioschleck taking all the credit for it on Twitter.

--Oh my, so many conflicting reports about whether Birdsong Boy Jakob is going to be Giro Captain or not as Uncle Johan blurts whatever comes to his mind as if it is some tactic to confuse the enemies.

--Many race wildcards, Giro included, have been issued which is causing the loudest complaints from Team Garzelli Pluck & Tweeze.

--Nouveau Wave Aussie Hot Heinrich Haussler continues to be endowed with Mighty Morphin Hair.

--Old Man Sven Loch Nys Monster is angry like the Non-Gorilla Greipel Hulk because he does not have his own team for Cyclocross Worlds.

--The latest interview from Stuart "HTFU!" O'Grady inspired me to rewrite the memorable opening line of Pride and Prejudice: "It is a truth universally acknowledged by the peloton that Fabs and Stuey are roommates in want of plankets."

--Yes, Virginia, the Pippo Pozzato Collection does exist; due to the parity of the dollar and euro I am tempted to buy one of those headbands.

--Miss Kannibaal Marianne Vos threatens the machismo of some when stories circulate that her next challenge, save collecting gold metals, could be testing her legs against the gentlemen a la Billy Jean King and Annika Sorenstam.

--At the Kangaroo Swaddle-a-thon and Man Cleavage Exposition Tour Down Under, The Fucking Amazing Jens Voigt announced that if the world does not cease and desist in 2012 then he will retire from professional cycling in 2021 at age 50.