First an apology to the readers, because you won't understand a thing. Maybe that's the plan.

Enfim estou na mesma situação, talvez seja tensão pré mentrual, talvez não. Mais uma vez me vejo na mesma angustia e andando pelo mesmo caminho que trilhei dois anos atrás.
Me pergunto se o erro está em mim ou nos outros, porque não consigo entender como posso fazer as mesmas coisas, tomar as mesmas atitudes em uma situação pela qual já passei e sei que não vai dar certo, aliás sei exatamente o que vai acontecer no próximo momento.
Sei como vai ser o primeiro encontro, o primeiro beijo, as juras de amor, e amor eterno. Depois vem os dias de felicidade juntos, depois as decepções, as despedidas e mais juras, no fim só restam lembranças de ciúmes, brigas, palavras duras ditas num momento de raiva ou tristeza.
Me pergunto porque acredito em tudo o que me é dito, porque continuo pulando no escuro, me entregando a coisas que não existem ou que sei que não darão certo.
Ou ainda me pergunto porque insisto em algo, em sentimentos que no final, só machucam. Acreditar é tão fácil, dizer coisas e acreditar nels, mentir pra si mesmo,jurar que dessa vez pode dar certo, que essa pessoa pode ser a certa mas saber que não vai demorar muito tempo para que a realidade te estapeie e você note que tudo foi nada mais que uma fantasia que você mesmo criou.
Apaixonada? Não sei, acho que estou me iludindo novamente, porque quero me iludir, meu mundo sem essas ilusões não é muito divertido. Talvez dessa vez dê certo, talvez eu vença esse medinho estupido de não ter segurança ao dar um passo mais superior do que todos que dei até hoje.
Mas será que sou segura? Será que ficar, que dizer não, que evitar e manter os pés no chão, não é ser insegura? Me disseram isso, o Matheus me disse isso quando falei que não iria me mudar pra morar com ele, talvez ele estivesse certo, talvez eu seja sim insegura por não querer deixar meus pais, por não querer sair de perto de pessoas que sei que estarão sempre me apoiando e suportando.
Eu penso muito nele, não por gostar dele, isso nunca aconteceu. Penso nele porque foi a coisa mais intensa e o que eu posso chamar de namoro que me ocorreu até hoje. Foi a pessoa que se tornou um referencial de tudo o que gosto, odeio e temo no sexo oposto.
Extremos, ele era um extremo e cheio de extremos, intenso, profundo; me impulsionou a fazer coisas que eu nunca esperava que fosse fazer, de algumas me envergonho, de outras tenho orgulho. Me levou ao fundo do poço por me tratar de formas tão diferentes, acho que ele sofre de dupla personalidade, ou é apenas um garoto de 19 anos, imaturo demais pra saber quem ele é, mas crítico o suficiente pra dizer o que eu fazia de errado.
Talvez eu devesse fazer com que a memória dele se evapore da minha vida, talvez eu deva ficar novamente sem um referencial, talvez eu deva voltar ao velho 'príncipe encantado inexistente'.
Mas o que me atormenta nesse momento é a dúvida inquietante de que talvez, tudo possa voltar a acontecer com o Mike. Mas é tudo tão irritantemente igual que é impossível não duvidar.
Encontro casual, algo online, quem falou que tenho que ter uma vida de verdade como todo mundo da minha idade? Conversas, sorrisos...tudo feito através de uma máquina fria, um monte de zeros e uns, um amontoado de palavras que expressam nada mais que excitação, euforia, mas será que guardam mesmo o conteúdo do que expressam? Será que é amor, será que é vontade, será que é paixão e...todas essas coisas...
Pelo sim, pelo não, acredito e continuo trilhando o caminho já tão conhecido, e então acontecem os telefonemas, as vozes sussuradas, desejosas, carinhosas, cheias de um sentimento que deveria ser inexistente para quem nunca ao menos se viu.
Talvez o sentimento nem esteja lá, talvez a euforia seja tamanha que nos faça perder a visão da realidade. E passo meus dias planejando, esperando, contando com o destino, com a sorte, com a possibilidade de dessa vez dar certo.
Mas novamente vejo os traços do Matheus, e me arrepio com as memórias, ciúmes, algo doentio que me faz tremer, e aquele 'vamos morar juntos', isso não vai acontecer, eu não vou ter coragem. Sei que não.
Logo, segundo ele, ele vai chegar, e vamos ficar bem durante o tempo que ele estiver aqui, eu vou fingir que gostei de coisas que venha a não gostar, vou até acreditar e sonhar...mas quando ele for embora...eu sei que é pra nunca mais voltar.
Talvez eu precise arrumar uma vida, um trabalho, algo que ocupe meu tempo de tal forma, que não sobre espaço pra que meu coração fale....não sei; talvez eu devesse voltar à velha insensibilidade. Talvez eu devesse começar, como sempre tentei, a realmente detestar coisas e pessoas, e por um fim a farsa que sou.

1) Given any opportunity to do anything, at the expense of dying 20 years earlier, would you do this dream action, or would you rather keep your life at it's maximum possible length?

*chuckles* I have big dreams, huge ones, probably more then I should but all of them involve some struggle, some pain and tears and ...emotions. Don't like when things come too easy for me, so no I wouldn't. Better try and fail, then get the easier path. I'm a fighter, not a malicious being that chooses the short road. (Masochist, yeah, so?)

2) What is more important? Morals, Progress, or Benevolence? Why?

If you asked me to pick one without classifying, I'd say none, but being like this Progress, why? Because the other 2 change with time and human evolution. A woman was a slut if she showed her leg even if a bit some time ago, a african decendent was a bunch of nothing not so long ago, morals? Please, saying that is nothing but religious stupidity. Women can't have an abortion here, on other countries they can, that's not moral, that's being hipocrit because some people just can't face the fact that things change, Gods change, religions change. The Roman Empire story can tell you that. Benevolence? I'm definatly the person that considers it a way of callling guilty conscience another name.

3) Do you think George W. Bush should be the new poster child for Restroactive Abortions?

I have no clue who RA is, man but Bush...stinks, if anything is gonna make him be shown as the asshole he is and try to put some intelligence on USA natives brains, I'm all for it.

4) Do you ever wish to have children? Explain yes, no, deatail when, what, etc...

Ugh...I can't say I won't have them ever, after all I have no clue how biological female clock works, even being a female. But if I keep the same behaviour and attitude I have at my age some years ahead, no. Kids are 2 things: 1) you'll be punished by your attitudes watching them 2) annoying. As some important guy said once " Your father only loves you because he is socially oblied, he wouldn't love you if society and human social expectations didn't demand him to, he has the social expectation of loving his prole, if it wasn't for that, he wouldn't give a damm". I must say I agree, it's all about exchange, my kids love me and in return I get social aproval and they get a new present. Simple exchange.

5) Emotions are fragile at times. People criticise you for your thoughts, your ideals, your loves and your hates. The question is always asked, Why Bother? So, why do you bother?

Bother...maybe I bother, or maybe I just want attention. Maybe for a bagage from 7 years ago till now I beg for bothering, because it's the only safe thing I have; or just maybe because I was raised to be intense.
I was raised to dive deep in everything around me, including emotions, loves and hates. Everything is supposed to be deep and intense and tear your flesh and anything you consider important, that way you get hurted, crushed, squished as a bug, but you grow up much stronger.
And I bother till the limit of my love, if I hate, I don't bother, I ignore, and despise, scorn...is the worst face of hate a person can show.
Dispise me and you'll hurt me, human being beg for attention at several levels, take that from him and you'll have a whinning baby and an enemy under your feet.
I bother because I have blood in my veins and because this is how I always behaved, intensively( i hate spelling this word, I'm not someone to stay on the back stage waiting for the right time or the wrong move of the others, I'm not the girl that keeps quiet when someone say any bs I dislike just because I need to keep the standards.
If I don't fight, who will? I won't let anyone take my place on that, that's why I bother, and if ppl critize, it's their problem. They are losing a great experience in life, being intempestive.

Hmm lets see, what do I have to write about? Basically I'm on vacation, 3 weeks of nothing to do and that sucks! No, don't understand me wrong, not the 'nothing to do' part, but the only 3 weeks.
That is such a bulshit, I've been since my 17 with no good time of vacation, see here I finished the highschool and had to make a test of admission to get into the University, so till I was 19 I had to study like a bitch.
After the 2 days of celebration I had to move city, buy a bunch of stuff to a new place to live, find the damm place to live, and stay away from my computer, that broke my heart, and of course, keep studying like a bitch coz it's University after all.
Well, on this 2.5 years I'm at University we had an strike (and we are about to have another) which means no 3 months vacations as the usual, but instead of that classes on saturday afternoons, on holidays, sometimes even sundays...isn't it lovely?
Dispite of that, the other part of my life is pretty crappy, considering I lost a huge ammount of desire in rp'ing, it sucks, ppl suck and heck I better bite my tongue now...
Love...hmm let's jump that part also, I'm sure he's reading this soon. Besides that I'm pretty much waiting on another "No" from the big bosses part, they love me, what can I do? and oh yes I'm more sarcastic now, acid...don't piss me off.

Date:	2003-07-05 20:15
Subject:	I am sick
Security:	Public
Mood:	bitchy

I am sick, literally, sore throat, pain, I can't speak without having a fucking wierd voice.
And I'm sick of people, I'm sick of those STs on NB that are lazy assholes! Those that always come up with a good excuse to not make what you are in need since...31st of may, because they just don't like you.
What do I mean? I mean I nearly stoled -ic- someones mate, before they were even considering it and one day when I was very very pissed with an IC problem I left the room, leaving a person that just got in the room, alone.
Well guess what?! I'm screwed now! But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna screw with you baby, just watch me!
You think you are though just because of that blue? You are shit! You log your ass to play and only that, you log to prove you are a goddess in blue but that's BULLSHIT!
One is down dear, and you are gonna be the next, and no that's not a threat, is a warning that sooner or later you gonna fuck up so badly or your life is gonna become a living hell that you'll have to go and when that time comes, I'll be there watching you fall and laughing at your pathetic face.
The lack of authorized help (aka asst) is amusing and scaring. They say giving up Sophia is a display of my "disturbed and weak" personality,that I should keep going and prove ppl wrong. Well I won't need that because I proved myself several months ago, what they are still remembering, or what they bother to notice isn't what I improved or what I did on other chats as Asst and ST, no.
They care about a stupid problem that's over for more then a year, and oh...the rules say 6 months, isn't that...amusing? They don't care if you have books and know the system, no...they care if you are their friend and if you can have as much feelings as a furniture when online.
Well someone said once that NB isn't a democracy and you know what? It's not, but if I have a passionate personallity, if I have blood running in my veins, if I'm not a cold fish to be 'unbeatable by ooc details' then all I have to say is I will continue to be who I am and the passionated person I am, because that's what you need, fire! Strong personality that won't give up till understand things, that'll take things till the damm end and will bring to your chat an amusing feeling of pleasure.
If you are reading this and you are probably on NB as ST or player, and you feel offended or you want to tell your friends how this girl is nuts...go ahead!
Gossips are my favorite thing, go on, tell the STS i'm being a bad girl, tell whoever you want I said this and that, but no one will forbid me to be what I am, a incredible friend, a damm good player and a hell of a fight.
Concerning that problem I had a year ago? Was mixing IC loving with OOC love, well...throw the first rock who haven't felt in love by someone like that or thought you were...
I am in love with a person online and YES I don't care about what you gonna say! I'm planning my life with this guy for long enough to know that I don't need to give no one explanations of my 'previous' online relations.
If loving, if anger, if like and dislike is something forbiden on this chat, then my friend, who's reading me atm, it sucks, because what makes life be fun and worthy is when you can express yourself and your feelings.
No I'm not making an comparison and justifying acts of bad behaviour as cursing, as stalking, as many other things that are indeed bad, I'm defending my way to be, and if that's not good enough for them, then they don't deserve even a single thought of mine.
And I'm not gonna apologize for this post, I'm not gonna regret coz I've done this post, because this my dear, this is who I am. The person that say what she's feeling, and no one will say I cant be myself in order to get respect.

Have a nice day

Are you damned?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

You're coming back! And if you are a Hindu you are going to have very specific characteristics:

"The slayer of a woman and the destroyer of embryos becomes a savage full of diseases; who commits illicit intercourse, a eunuch; who goes with his teacher’s wife, disease-skinned. The eater of flesh becomes very red; the drinker of intoxicants, one with discolored teeth...." (Garuda Purana)

Date:	2003-06-25 12:22
Subject:	Heh
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

	

	

	

				
tundra_no_caps
				

		
91%
		

		

		

	
	
	


	

	

	

				
devolve_absolve
				

		
74%
		

		

		

	
	
	

How compatible with me are YOU?

Date:	2003-06-13 14:54
Subject:	After a long time....
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed

" You need to overcome your issues with everything being personal, too hard....And with your current problems with self image and your own personal value, I think you'd take it all far too personal, and it'd too much for you.
You have the knowlodge, but its really tough mentally, and I know how you've foun the recent events hard on you...you'd hate it. Tough mentally? Stressfull, traumatic, crying, etc..."

"I recomended yourself as I happen to think you are good....however they said they had reservations as your quality ...had decreased...Didn't meant it the way it came out, was without thinking or looking at what...was saying, ...thinks you are a pretty good, but worries and was saying as much in ....own way.
You'll need to take a step balc and start as you did when you got...spot, bakc then you wre great as.... you worked hard and did lots of good stuff to get that spot, so you are very capable of it, would be a shale to see you not becoming...because of a silly mistake."

So after all those one night stands
You've ended up with heart in hand
A child alone
On your own
Retreating
Regretful for the things you're not
And all the things you haven't got
Without a home
A heart of stone
Lies bleeding

And for all the roads you followed
And for all you did not find
And for all the dreams you had to leave behind

Your childhood eyes were so intense
While bartering your innocence
For bits of string
The grown-up wings
You needed

But when you had to add them up
You found that there were not enough
To get you in
Pay for sins repeated

And for all the years you borrowed
And for all the tears you hide
And for all the fears you had to keep inside

I never wanted to know
Never wanted to see
I wasted my time
Till time wasted me
I never wanted to go
I always wanted to stay
'Cause the persons I am
Are the parts that I play
So I plot and I plan
And I hope and I scheme
To the lure of a night
Filled with unfinished dreams
And I'm holding on tight
To a world gone astray
As they charge me for years
I can no longer pay


ps: I posted what I wanted of the song...the lines between "" are to remain lackfull like that and with no author.

Date:	2003-05-21 16:23
Subject:	*gives you a bear hug* Grooaaaar
Security:	Public
Mood:	giggly

What Is Your Animal Personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

Date:	2003-05-16 11:35
Subject:	Normal?! Me?! Bah!!!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	bouncy

Arial - You're pretty normal. That's certainly not
a bad thing, as a lot of people like you.


What Font Are You? (Standard Fonts)
brought to you by Quizilla

You Have the Power to Turn Things to Stone!


What's Your Magic Power?
brought to you by Quizilla

Water Goddess. You like peace and serenity and are
usually content with life.


What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

Date:	2003-05-11 16:52
Subject:	Welcome to hell!
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Date:	2003-05-09 12:12
Subject:	*grins*
Security:	Public
Mood:	crazy

Hopelessly Romantic Geezer Named Alfred


What's Your Personality Type?
brought to you by Quizilla

Date:	2003-05-05 09:24
Subject:	"Dark Waters that enchant me"
Security:	Public
Mood:	artistic

You come from Dark Water. You are solitary and
find peace in yourself, or maybe you're
turmoiled but pull off peace.


Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla

Date:	2003-04-30 21:50
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	apathetic

Sorrowdweller. You are not overcome by anger nor
happiness. Your emotions are pretty well
balanced, but you do tend to get somewhat
emotional at times leaning towards depression
and saddness. You have your own views of the
world and while you do not see the beauty of
life, you are not completely overwhelmed by
darkness. Live and let live just because.


How Emotional Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla