ryanrossluvver

i know like noone is gonna read this but im moving to a new acc bc i hate!!! the user i picked for this even tho it was almost 2 years ago - so im now @fistvs_bottle errr ya thats it

two people have invited me out this weekend, which is two more invites than i usually have and even though i have waited...like forever for like a month for someone to invite me out, i dont think im gonna go anywhere. the first person that invited me out i think does actually like me and im fine meeting up with her because its not awkward or anything — but her best friend, who would also be there, im not as close with and its so awkward, last time i met up with both of them i ended up going home 3 hours early because i felt too awkward and was getting stressed "i had to" and when asked why, "its a long story". so i have no idea if i want to put myself through that again. the other person that invited me out is someone ive been friends with for years (if you dont count that year and a half we hated each other for) and recently ive been trying to get her to come out so often that im starting to annoy myself. she always says she has to revise, which does make sense, i know there are exams in like a month. but she invited me out on saturday to go to this big mall place — so that she can meet a boy. yeah...she wants me to come with her so she can meet this boy without her mum finding out. and i have a very strong feeling shes annoyed with me about something but i dont know what i did except constantly ask her to meet (and atleast i was asking because i actually like hanging out with my friends and not because i wanted to use her as an excuse to be able to go somewhere alone to meet a boy)

today i went to this little cafe with my mum, its a cute little place and its been in our town since i can remember. i used to go all the time with my dad but i havent been for like 5 years and really wanted to. i got a strawberry milkshake and a burger with chips — my mum also had a strawberry milkshake but didnt get any food since she already ate. i brought my digital camera since my mum says i never use it even though i do, i took a picture of her and then recreated a picture of adam lazzara from 2002. while i ate, we talked about when her next hospital appointments were and her next couple are on the same days i have camhs appointments, which is a weird coincidence. on the way home we talked about pigeons, she talked about how people see them as vermin. i didnt know what vermin meant so i asked her. she told me and then tried to use mice and rats as an example, but messed up and said rice and mats. we both laughed. after that, i didnt really do much today, i just wanted to tell someone about that. the only other thing ive done is call muir which was obviously good but isnt exactly any different from any other day — now im watching south park before bed, maybe ill do some writing in my notebook tonight. i think my only close irl friend doesnt really like me, she says she does and its not me its just because of the exams but i dont see it that way. maybe thats just how i am though.

im okay i think. well maybe im not actually. i think if someone else saw me how i was they would say i was definitely not okay, but i think i am. im grateful for what i have, even if that is just one person and just about nothing else — atleast i have something right? and the person i have is the most amazing person ever so atleast i have something going for me. there are so many things in my life that i wish were different, but i dont have any control over any of them. well, maybe i have control over a couple of them. the past couple weeks have been...interesting to say the least. a lot has happened but at the same time nothing has happened. nothing happens to me that is worth writing down (the best i can think of is when i burnt a hole in my favourite shirt the other day... and who cares about stupid stories like that) so maybe my life is just really boring. i havent played guitar in a while and i think i should since i actually know for sure now that i want to play in a band when im older (im a wishful thinker... with the worst intentions — sorry) but, realistically, i know that wont happen. i guess it helps to motivate you when your favourite guitarist ever tells you to keep up the work and tells you it was nice to meet you, because yeah, that happened. whenever i tell muir something weird/funny/crazy/cool/insertadjectivehere happened she always says the same thing, that this would only happen to me, and im starting to think she has a point. this would only happen to me. 

why would i ever think you couldve not known what you did or maybe even forgot it? i shouldve known when you denied it you were denying it out of fear i would have the one up because that was worse than anything i couldve ever done to you. you should think yourself lucky yet you always find a way to make yourself the victim and put me down. always.

my hands keep shaking from the cold and even if thats just how i am i want it to be something more - my head hurts just from thinking. why cant i be normal like other people my age. i just want something so different for myself that i will put myself through a living hell just to get it. but if i ever get there i know itll have been worth it. but i will always be a jealous, bitter person and i wish i didnt have to be

sometimes i wonder if god is real even though ive never really said i believe. i dont think i do, but sometimes i wonder if god really is real then why is the world like this, you think he would have realised by now that we dont learn from mistakes. why did he make me this way and why have i been allowed to live for this long. there is nothing special about me, and if anything, im a horrible person, and i dont get why god wouldnt have punished me by now, i dont deserve to still be alive, if i dont deserve it why am i still here?

what wouldve happened that night if i hadnt told anyone? maybe i shouldnt have told maybe it wouldve worked. i wish i could try again, ill find a way.

i dont know what to say. i wish someone would listen. i dont know what to tell anyone. the soonest they could do was november 17th. i dont know if i can hold on that long. and im terrified. i dont know what of but im terrified. i wish i could shut off my thoughts temporarily. but only temporarily. i dont know a lot of stuff do i.

something is wrong with the world. well a lot of things actually but theres something wrong. when you die do you think theres an afterlife? do you become a ghost? get reincarnated? or do you lie lifeless and never have a single thought ever again? its scary to think about. i dont want to stop thinking. i dont want to leave all this stuff behind. i wonder if anyone will remember me like in a good way or if itll just be good riddance. my life is being wasted away on you. i hope when i die i go back in time like rant by chuck palahniuk. that book messed with my head its so hard to understand whats going on. but i wasnt expecting that. i hope thats what happens in real life. or i just become a ghost or get reincarnated or something. i dont want to be a lifeless corpse who has no thoughts and never wakes up. but maybe thats what you want for me.